Lost and found

Have you ever wondered what kind of things people leave at the Grumpy/Pissy Medical Emporium? Neither have I.

But a recent post about Mrs. Foote losing her shoe heel inspired me to dig through the office's "lost and found" drawer. It needed to be cleaned out, anyway.

Besides an unclaimed pair of sunglasses and a make-up case, I found these abandoned items:

This absolutely fascinating button: 

Yet another shoe heel:

Apparently, no one came back for this one.

A pocket knife:

Cigarette lighter:

 

I have no idea what this is:

For that matter, I don't know what this is, either:

Electrical tape:

 

And, somewhat ironically, this was in the drawer, too.

Classy

Dr. Grumpy: "How you doing? It's been the usual year since your last visit."

Ms. Zapper: "I'm fine, no problems. I've had a good year, health-wise."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good. By the way, do you have an internist you'd like me to send your visit notes to?"

Ms. Zapper: "No. Only other doc I see is my GYN. Hell, if you'd be willing to look in my pussy once a year I could ditch her, too."

News updates

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that impact your lives.


DATELINE: Windsor, England.

Legoland was discovered to have a surprisingly large and sophisticated marijuana operation on the amusement park's premises. The plants, some 3 feet high and surrounded by grow-lights and a watering system, were found in an unused storage shed.

The suspects are believed to have entered the park by crossing through land owned by the Queen. To date Her Majesty has had no comment.

It's unknown if the area will be worked into an attraction for the new Lego Batman movie, or perhaps an attraction called Lego Robin's Magic Garden.



DATELINE: Pittsburgh

Daniel Marchese was found in a stopped, but running, car in the middle of an intersection, going in & out of consciousness. When awake he would expose himself to passersby. He was dressed in pink lingerie. Officers who investigated also found he had an open bottle of whiskey and 2 handguns with him.

I swear to God I am not making any of that up.

Mr. Marchese threatened officers and was taken into custody. He's been charged with a remarkable assortment of things, including drunken driving, indecent exposure, fighting with officers, aggravated assault, and weapons offenses.

I can only assume he was going to a rally for cross-dressing supporters of both the 2nd & 21st amendments.



DATELINE: Florida

John Haskew attempted to conduct a fraudulent wire transfer, hoping no one would notice. The amount, however, was $7 billion (you read that correctly) which tends to get attention.

His excuse, upon being arrested, was that Jesus had told him to do it because he created wealth for everyone, and this was Mr. Haskew's share.

The accused told police that he was "self-taught on the banking industry."




DATELINE: France

A man who - I swear - used his wife's phone to set up Uber transportation so that he could have an affair - is suing the ride service for $45 million for causing him to get divorced.

A glitch in the app kept sending notifications to his wife about where he was going, even though he'd logged out of it. She got kind of suspicious.

Apparently his lady dumping him is now Uber's fault, and has nothing to do with him, say, cheating on her.

The moral here is this: if you're cheating on your spouse, don't use their phone to arrange it. Use something secure, like Ashley Madison.

"Here, the house is full of nitrogen and oxygen."

This is my daughter's birthday gift wish list:

This bud's for you

Dr. Grumpy: "You been doing okay since I last saw you?"

Ms. Cerevisiae: "Um, I had a really bad yeast infection, you know, in my girl parts."

Dr. Grumpy: "How have your migraines been?"

Ms. Cerevisiae: "It was REALLY bad. I mean, it climbed from down there all the way up though the connection into my stomach, then to my ears, too."

Long pause.

Dr. Grumpy: "I've, uh, never heard of that."

Ms. Cerevisiae: "That's what all the other doctors tell me, too. Anyway, my migraines are better."

Weight loss

Seen at the Asian grocery:

Rubber sole

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Foote: "Hi, I was there about an hour ago, and I think the heel of my shoe fell off."

Mary: "I..."

Mrs. Foote: "Can you please look for it? I want it back."

Mary: "I don't see it in the lobby... Hang on..."


Mary knocks on my door


Mary: "Hey, sorry to interrupt you and Mr. Lumbar, but Mrs. Foote thinks she lost part of her shoe back here."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh..."

Mr. Lumbar: (looks under his chair) "I think she did. Here."


(hands Mary a rubber shoe heel, Mary leaves)


Mary: "Hello, Mrs. Foote? I found your heel. Are you really coming back for this?"

Mrs. Foote: "Of course. How else am I supposed to walk home? Hey, do you have any super glue?"


I may have to start carrying super glue at the office. This was the second time a patient requested it.

Diet options

Recently I had to go to a research meeting.

While setting it up, they emailed me the following list of diets to choose from:

I wanted to do a mix & match, just to see what they brought me.

Huh?

I faxed in a script for Depakote 500mg yesterday, and a few minutes later received this back:

The strength seems to be stated pretty clearly. Can anyone in pharmacy explain this to me?

Memories...

What was your worst date?

I'm sure you remember it. If you don't, you haven't had it... yet.

We all have one. Where the person who seemed promising turned out to be a nightmare. Or a series of bizarrely improbable circumstances arose to make it a miserable time. Or some other chain of unpleasant events.

Somewhere out there is a woman for whom I was her worst date ever. I'm sure that even today, 25+ years later, she remembers it and tells others about the horrible time she had with me.

During my first year of residency I asked a nurse out, and we decided to go hiking. I chose a scenic trail outside town that went in and out of a forested area.

I picked her up in the early afternoon of a clear day, and off we went. It was nice drive to the trail head.

We'd hiked about 30-45 minutes when we came to a fork, and took the one to head back to the parking lot. Which led to another fork, and we again picked the one that should have taken us back to the car.

After another 30 minutes we realized we'd gotten completely lost, and had NFC where to go (back then, kids, people didn't have GPS phones).

Then it began raining. Heavily. Of course, the umbrella was back in the car.

We turned back, hoping to reach the parking lot at some point. Noticing the forest road about a 1/4 mile away, we walked through mud to get to it, figuring it was more likely to lead us in the right direction.

It wasn't. And it was still raining.

After a while we hitched a ride with the first passing car, which fortunately turned out to be a state parks ranger. He was on his way to close the parking lot we were in, since the rain was flooding the trails.

It was a long, quiet, dripping-wet ride back to her place. I tried to make conversation, but she just stared out the window. She didn't return my calls, either, when I tried to apologize.

And, realistically, I don't blame her.

But whenever someone tells me a story of their worst date ever, I remember that for a lady out there... I am that story.

The other end

Seen in charts:

 

- Thank you, T!

 

- Thank you, M!

Random weekend pictures

Okay, time to put up some pics you guys have sent in.



Here's a food stand in Israel, whose owner is trying to figure out why English speakers aren't lining up for his product:

Here we have a school district that's apparently given up on being excellent, or even pretty good:

Then there's this store. I'm not sure what an "aromas artisan" is, but after lunch at Taco Bell, Craig probably qualifies... and not in a good way.

This is about as use-specific as a soap can get:

This is an armored military vehicle developed by Venezuela in the 1930's, during border tensions with Columbia. Regrettably, Star Wars was still 40 years in the future, so no one recognized the Darth Vader chic.

Rules

Clerk: "Emergency room, this is Kim."

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Clerk: "Please hold for Dr. Stat."

(15 seconds of ONJ's 1980 hit "Let's Get Physical")

Dr. Stat: "Dr. Grumpy? Hi, this is Suzy Stat over at Local ER. I'm a new doc here. Anyway, I have a guy who needs to establish with a neurologist, and I have you down as on call."

Dr. Grumpy: "I am, what's up?"

Dr. Stat: "Nothing big, he moved here and has a history of seizures. He hasn't had a chance to find a doc yet, and so came in here looking for a refill and referral name before he ran out."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's fine. Give him my info and a few days of meds and I'll get him in this week."

Dr. Stat: "Great. Where's your office? Isn't it south of here?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm in downtown Grumpyville."

Dr. Stat: "Oh... He lives on the south side and doesn't have a car. He needs a doc he can walk to."

Dr. Grumpy: "I..."

Dr. Stat: "Could you, like, rent an office on the south side to see him? He likely only needs to come in once a year or so."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, no. He can take a bus, or Lyft, or Uber, or whatever."

Dr. Stat: "But as the ER on-call doc you're obligated to see him."

Dr. Grumpy: "Correct, and I'm happy to do so this week. But I only have one office, and that's where he'll find me."

Dr. Stat: "Is that allowed?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Dr. Stat: "They never teach you these things in training."

Music

Cleaning out a drawer, I found a late 80's list of songs my medical school roommate (Enzyme) and I wrote down for a year-end party. They summarized our thoughts at the time on med school.

So today I'm sharing them with you:


"Up All Night" - The Boomtown Rats

"Land of Confusion" - Genesis

"Come Monday" (There's a pathology test) - Jimmy Buffet

"Pressure" - Billy Joel

"Life is Shit" - The Dead Milkmen

"Why We Pray" - M.C. Hammer 

"Hell Hole" - Spinal Tap

"I Wanna be Sedated" - The Ramones

"Wipeout" - The Surfaris

"19th Nervous Breakdown" - The Rolling Stones

"One of These Days" (dedicated to a specific pathology professor) - Pink Floyd

"Help!" - The Beatles

Hot diggity dog

 

Last night I took the kids to a Grumpyville Puck-Offs hockey game. At some point Craig declared he was hungry, so we went to the snack bar.

We were almost up to the counter, and the guy in front of us ordered a chili-dog. He paid the counter lady, and a minute later she set it in front of him.

The guy didn't leave the counter. He picked up the entire chili-dog with both hands, and in one continuous movement shoved the entire thing into his mouth.

Then he pushed the empty paper plate back across the counter, mumbled "thank you," and left.

Craig suddenly wasn't that hungry.

Breaking news!

Keeping you up to date on the stories that shape your world, Dr. Grumpy's crack reporters bring you these news flashes:


DATELINE: CALIFORNIA

Alvin Neal attempted to rob a San Diego bank by handing the teller note saying it was a robbery, and to fork over some cash.

Unfortunately, Mr. Neal also attempted to keep other bank patrons from noticing what he was doing by acting like it was normal transaction. Which, apparently, included swiping his ATM card in the slot at the teller's window, immediately putting his name, address, and phone number on her screen.

He got out of the bank with $565 in cash, but didn't get very far.

Police who tracked him down using the data also noted he's a registered sex offender.



DATELINE: NEW YORK

Joseph Talbot was pulled over and arrested for driving while intoxicated.

He was quite upset that the news story and his mugshot in the local paper would ruin his reputation, so he refused to allow them to take his picture. This got him additional charges, and they took his picture anyway. He was released on bond.

Not wanting anyone to see his picture in the paper, Mr. Talbot came up with a novel solution: He followed the newspaper's delivery trucks all over town, buying up as many copies of the paper as he could find. One stand recognized him (from his picture in the paper, no less) and called the main office. Who sent out more papers, and also noted that the story was on their news website, too, making it damn near impossible for Mr. Talbot to purchase every single one.

And, as a result of his actions, got far more attention than he'd have gotten for a DWI in the first place.



DATELINE: FLORIDA

A man attempted to burglarize a store that specializes in selling (I swear!) surveillance cameras and other anti-theft gear.

His attempts to get into the Spy-Spot Investigations store was unsuccessful, and some nice shots of his face were taken.

The store's manager commented, “I don’t know why you would try to rob a spy store. The guy’s probably not the smartest criminal.”



DATELINE: PENNSYLVANIA

The federal government has filed suit against Lone Star Western Beef, Inc. for a lack of concern for its employees.

When a worker at their processing plant accidentally severed his thumb while preparing beef jerky, another employee immediately ran over to help staunch the bleeding and called 911 on her phone.

The owner of the plant quickly ran over and made her end the call, and subsequently fired her. The deeply concerned employer then picked up the thumb and had another worker drive Mr. Thumbless to an Urgent Care center instead of an ER. The Urgent Care center, not having anywhere near the surgical capabilities of a hospital-associated ER, was unable to re-attach the thumb.


DATELINE: STOKE-ON-TRENT, ENGLAND

Residents of an apartment building for senior citizens have been forbidden from drinking alcohol and singing karaoke in common areas following the combination leading to several incidences of "unacceptable behavior."

This comes on the heels of an altercation there last month between two retired women over a Christmas decoration.

One resident told reporters, "People in Alcatraz are treated better."

Hospital rounds

Dr. Grumpy: "When did this start?"

Mr. Son: "Around 2:30. She suddenly slumped over to her right, and couldn't talk."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's when you called 911?"

Mr. Son: "No, my wife and I helped her to a bench outside the store."

Dr. Grumpy: "When did you call paramedics?"

Mr. Son: "After I finished returning all the shitty Christmas gifts. You wouldn't believe how long the line was."

Holiday update!

We interrupt this vacation to welcome 2 new characters to the pages of Dr. Grumpy:

Garlic and Onion!

 

 

 

These are a pair of 7 year-old brother-sister litter mates who have never been separated. Their previous owner was unable to keep them and took them to a rescue, and now they've joined us. We only went to look at one, but taking them both was part of the deal, and how could we resist?

We have no real idea what they are, besides totally awesome dogs.

Mello is doing fine with them.

Remember, if you're looking for a great family friend this holiday, contact a rescue or humane society near you.

Holiday treats

Craig decided to make cookies this weekend. They were a little, um, difficult, to get off the baking sheet:

Does anyone else think the broken spatula is giving me the finger?


And that's a wrap for 2016, gang. I'm shutting down for the holidays, and will be back in 3 weeks. See you on January 9th!

Thank you all for sticking with me, making comments, and keeping this fun for the last 8 years. Looking forward to 2017!

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

With the end of the year coming, we all know what that means: hanging out with friends, eating enormous amounts of food, and watching football. Those bowl games are right around the corner.

Of course, these are your friends coming over, so you want the best for game day: Beer, chips, and uh, I guess more beer.

But are your friends the discerning type who insist on high quality? The kind of connoisseurs who prefer Keystone beer to Budweiser? The epicurean master foodies who, after 4-5 cans of shitty reasonably priced brews will know the difference between Tostitos, Doritos, and the generic store-brand?

If so, then you need to serve them something truly special!

For only $56 you can get a delectable box of St. Erik's chips, made by the Swedish brewery.

Yeah, I said $56 bucks.

Featuring ingredients like truffle seaweed, Ammarnäs potatoes, Matsutake mushrooms, crown dill, and Leksand onions, these are the chips that are guaranteed to turn your beer-swilling gathering of buddies into an Edwardian soirée that will be talked about for years.

In case I didn't mention it, what you see above is exactly what you get: each $56 box contains only 5 chips, one in each flavor.

Yep. You read that correctly.

So this works out to $11.20 per chip. Plan accordingly as to how many boxes you'll need.

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Home decor is such a personal issue. Taste is variable, and what one person likes may be hideous to another.

Fortunately, some things are universal. We all want a comfortable home, a nice hot shower, a decent meal, and, of course, a wall portrait of an older woman using an asthma inhaler:

What's that? Your friend's abode is sadly lacking in this respect? Well, now you know what to get them. For only $28 this lovely accent can be ordered from Amazon, and their life will be complete.

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Did a loved one pass this year, leaving you with an urn above the fireplace? That seems so trite. There has to be something better to aspire to for all eternity.

How about reincarnating them as a coffee mug?

"Auntie Em? Is that you?"

For only a few hundred bucks this place will convert the dearly departed into a serving bowl, or candle holder, or jewelry, or dinnerware... The possibilities are endless!

Think of the looks you'll get when you reach into a cabinet and say "I'm taking grandma out for coffee" (and laugh maniacally) or ask a guest "can you pass Aunt Zelda's mashed potatoes?"

No word on the site if they make dental implants or toilets, but it never hurts to ask.

Gift guide

Life is full of tough decisions, especially when you have $85 to blow. What should you spend it on?

Like most people, you're probably thinking "if only there was a decent rock in a leather half-pouch I can get for only $85, but I can't find one."

Fortunately, Nordstrom has heard your cries, and is now selling exactly that: a solid rock, found somewhere in the Los Angeles area, and lovingly sewn into a leather case.

 

"You're shitting me, right?"

Order it here. The possibilities are endless! You (or the lucky recipient) can use this $85-rock-in-a-half-leather-case as a paperweight, doorstop, or artistic commentary on sado-masochism's relationship to classical philosophy's effects on the fabric of human relationships.

And, best of all, when someone asks "What did you get for Christmakuh?" You can say...

Breaking news

Keeping you up to date on the world around you, we at the Grumpy Neurological Emporium news division strive to bring you the most important stories.



Dateline: Florida.

A car with 4 days of parking tickets all over the windshield was found to have a dead body inside, slumped over the steering wheel. The unfortunate man had apparently died of natural causes shortly after getting into his vehicle.

The city of Fort Lauderdale has kindly agreed to dismiss the accumulated parking fines due to "extenuating circumstances."



Dateline: Oregon


Craig Buckner, after being arrested on drug charges (he'd fallen asleep while waiting outside a courtroom on other charges and was drug tested - I swear)  was worried about his pet parrot's well-being. This is understandable, as the bird (imaginatively named "Bird") had been left outside the building in a tree.

Mr. Buckner was allowed to retrieve Bird the bird, but then Bird refused to be separated from him when they took the mugshot. After a few attempts officers decided to wing it, and snapped the picture anyway:

(Photo: Multnomah County Sheriff's Office via AP)

 
Dateline: Florida (again)

Unidentified burglars climbed over a backyard fence at night, hoping to break into a house. Due to them failing to scope out the area in advance, they landed on top of the owner's beehive, knocking it over.

The occupants were buzzing mad about beeing woken up, and chased away the evildoers.

Local hospitals have been asked to bee on the lookout for anyone coming in with an unusual number of stings.

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

This time of year festive is everything. We all want to look festive, act festive, and be so sickeningly festive that total strangers will give us money to go away.

Of course, all this festivity comes to naught if your anus doesn't smell equally festive, too.

Fortunately, Tesco (the same company that brought you horsemeat burgers and bolognese sauce) is, for a limited time only, selling...

Mulled spice scented toilet paper!

Yes, now you can smell holiday-fresh EVERYWHERE (and I mean everywhere). But you better hurry, because this cosmetic necessity is only available until December 23.


BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! If having an invigoratingly holiday-smelling rectum isn't enough for you, you can now get mulled spice scented toilet bleach! Just in case Santa needs to use the john and puts his head below the rim to make sure you're on his nice list.

And (I SWEAR!) this toilet bleach is not only scented, but the site says it's safe for use by vegetarians and vegans.

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Nikolaos of Myra was born in 270 A.D. in the area now called Turkey.

And today I suspect a lot of seismic activity in the middle east is caused by him spinning rapidly in his grave. Because this is the man who, over roughly 1500 years, became Santa Claus in Western culture, appearing in shopping malls, used car lots, TV specials, Viagra commercials, movies, condom ads, and heaven knows what else.

I think Nikolaos would be pretty horrified by the whole spectacle of what he's become.

Even more horrifying, at least to me, are the Santa-themed business suits that are promoted as things you can wear to important meetings this time of year. I suppose this is a measure of job security. The only men likely to wear these outfits are the ones who know they can't be fired and those who want to be.

What am I talking about? Not the generic St. Nick suit that abounds on fat bearded guys working in department stores this time of year, but these hideous ensembles of jacket, slacks, and a tie:

"Hey, ladies, want to check out my sack?"

"The sneakers are for running, since this outfit is a chick magnet."

These are not, I must stress, pajamas. For PJ's they might be sort of cute. But no, someone designed and is selling them as standard business attire for this time of year.

So here's a perfect gift for the guy who... (let me get back to you on that). 

Longevity

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mrs. Time: "No, actually a lot of longevity. My mother would have lived to 100, I mean, if she'd made it another 24 years."

Here we go!

As we near the end of another trip around the sun, it's again time for the annual...

Dr. Grumpy's Gift Guide!


I'm going to kick off this year with something truly meaningful. After all, in cultures around the world, motherhood is revered.

So what would be an ideal gift for your growing child to always remember mom by? Something meaningful, lasting, powerful...

I know! What could be more appropriate than jewelry made from your very own breast milk?

Featuring an array of bracelets, rings, and pendants, you can now remind your child, or yourself, or the guy who knocked you up, of all the sacrifices you made for them during your "nursing journey" (that's what the site calls breastfeeding, I swear).

Cookies not included.

Heading out for the holiday

Back on Monday!

Have a good one, and try not to get killed in a Walmart Friday morning at 2:45 a.m. in a fight over the last "Fondle Me Elmo" doll.

Weekend reading

Trapped by the dropping temperatures and unexpected snow this weekend, I got caught up on some medical reading. I thought I'd share some of it with you:


The driving abilities of patients with Alzheimer's Disease worsen as the disease progresses. In addition, people with Alzheimer's Disease were more likely to have trouble with driving and other complex tasks than age-matched controls without cognitive problems (Journal of Alzheimer's Disease, May 11, 2016).


Patients who suffered a massive stroke requiring neurosurgical decompression, and survived the whole thing, were more likely to be dependent on others for long-term care than those who didn't make it (New England Journal of Medicine, September 7, 2016).

Beware of the Dragon

Seen in a chart:

Special

Tracy: "Hello?"

Annie: "Hi, this is Annie at Dr. Grumpy's office. I was trying to set up the MRI for you..."

Tracee: "What time should I be there?"

Annie: "Well, we were looking for old studies to do a comparison. They had a few past MRI's for someone with the same last name and birthday, but the first names were all slightly different."

Tracey: "Oh, they're all me."

Annie: "All you?"

Traysee: "Yeah, I like to spell it different whenever I feel like it."

Annie: "Okay..."

Tracie: "That way it's special."

Annie: "Indeed it is."

Roads

I was a neurology resident, doing a rotation at a large county hospital. Like most county hospitals, it served a predominantly indigent population.

I was in my 2nd year of residency, 3 years out from medical school and in my late 20's.

She was the same age. I'd been consulted because she couldn't afford her epilepsy medication and had a seizure. She was also pregnant with her 4th child. So she was in the OB ward of the county hospital.

I had a job, an apartment a few miles away, a 4-year-old car in the parking lot, and a girlfriend (now Mrs. Grumpy).

She was homeless. None of her kids had the same fathers. She bounced between different shelters and whichever guy would take her and her kids in for a few days.

I'd showered that morning. She and her kids smelled awful, and obviously hadn't bathed recently.

I was in a generic shirt, tie, and pants from Target, with the required white coat. She and her kids were in tattered clothes from a donation center.

As I talked to her, scribbling her history down on my note pad, I suddenly realized I knew her.

10 years earlier we'd been in the same year in high school. We took PE, economics, typing, social studies, and chemistry together. We weren't close friends, but knew each other and said "hi" in the halls and local stores when we crossed paths. I suddenly had a vivid memory of her running to third base when I hit a single in a softball game.

I didn't mention it, and if she recognized me she didn't say so. I don't think she did. Her chart was huge, and I was just another in an endless stream of residents she dealt with on her frequent admissions. I restarted her seizure med and folic acid and she was discharged later that day. I went to another rotation the next week and never saw her again.

To this day I think of her. We came from the same upper-middle class backgrounds. We went to high school in American suburbia. Her parents were as successful in their area as were mine. Not wealthy, but comfortable, with expectations for their kids of college and a job and self-sufficiency.

I wondered how she got there. In 10 years we'd landed in very different lives. Had she made bad choices? Drugs? Alcohol? Had she just encountered terrible shit luck that all of us dread happening to us? A marriage gone bad? Domestic violence? A financial catastrophe beyond her control? I remembered seeing her and her parents posing for a picture at graduation. Did they know where she'd landed?

Sometimes, while trying to sleep, I think of her sitting there. I wonder if she's still on the streets. If she got her shit together and was able to move out of poverty. If she's even still alive. I'll probably never know.

Maybe she did something stupid, the kind of thing where all of us living in comfort can say "that would never happen to me, I'd never do something like that." Or maybe the circumstances were entirely beyond her control, the kind of financial clusterfuck nightmare that all of us dread destroying everything we have and work for.

I'll never know the answer. But the encounter always reminds me how much of life can be terrifying random chance, no matter how much we'd like to believe otherwise.

Appreciation

Seen in a chart:

Saturday, 12:23 p.m.

 

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Sativa: "Hi, um, you saw me for headaches last year, and referred me to a headache specialist, and I kind of have an emergency, and I can't reach him."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay... What's up?"

Mr. Sativa: "Well, that doctor suggested marijuana, and it works fine, but this morning my dog Mojo ate it all, and now he's really sleepy. I mean, he's breathing, but I can't wake him up. What should I do?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'd call your vet. I don't treat dogs."

Mr. Sativa: "Oh, I hadn't thought of that."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, good luck and..."

Mr. Sativa: "With a stoned dog, um, should I play music or something?"

(pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "I'd go with Dark Side of the Moon."

Mr. Sativa: "Cool! Thanks, doc. I'll call the vet now."

Helpful

Trying to figure out why a lady was coming to see me, I called the other doctor's office and asked them to fax over the most recent chart note.

This is all I got:

Memories...

"What should I call you for?"


This is a common question I get from nurses before I leave their station. They understandably want to know what things are important to me in a given patient's care. Exam changes, abnormal test results, medication problems, etc. I'm fine with answering them, too. It's part of treating someone.

In the early 90's I was an intern, covering the cardiology and general medicine floors. One evening I was meeting with the other interns at a nurses station, getting the nightly check-out. This consisted of them each handing me a crumpled sheet of paper listing patient summaries for me to refer to if called. The lists were folded into a big wad and crammed into my white coat pocket. As I stood up to go see someone in ER, a nurse came over and asked what I wanted to be called on. I absently mumbled "any concerning changes" and stepped into an elevator.

The night ticked on. Several admissions, some calls to discuss labs and medications, the usual smorgasbord of pages. Somewhere after midnight there was a break in the action, and I went to the call room to try and sleep.

I dozed for maybe an hour before the nurse I'd spoken to earlier paged me.


Intern Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Nurse Smokey: "Hi, I'm calling you about Mr. Gomer, in room 564. Are you familiar with him?"

Intern Grumpy: "Hang on..." I switched on the light, grabbed the wad of papers out of my pocket (I still had my coat on) and began flipping through them for room 564.

Nurse Smokey: "No worries, I'll wait."

Intern Grumpy: "Okay, I have him. It says he was admitted for a heart attack 2 days ago, and is scheduled for an angiogram tomorrow."

Nurse Smokey: "Yes, but he has other issues. He also has a history of lung cancer, for which he had surgery and radiation 2 years ago. It recently recurred, and he's now on chemotherapy. There's also him having COPD from being a smoker, and last month he was here for a pulmonary embolism and is on heparin. He needs a left knee replacement, but that's on hold for now due to his other medical issues. Do you need a list of his medications and allergies?"

Intern Grumpy: "No, I have that here... What's going on with him that you're calling?"

Nurse Smokey: "He's on fire."

Intern Grumpy: "WHAT?!!!"

Nurse Smokey: "He's on fire. He's on oxygen, and apparently his wife snuck in some cigarettes and matches and..."


The phone fell to the floor. I ran out of the call room into the stairwell and dropped down 2 flights to the 5th floor. As I flew past the station, Nurse Smokey was still on the phone with my empty call room, calmly saying "Hello? Dr. Grumpy? Can you hear me?"

In room 564 I found Mr. Gomer, miraculously uninjured except for some minor burns and missing eyebrows. He was almost completely covered in ashes and fire extinguisher foam (which a terrified student nurse was still randomly spraying at anything that moved, including me). Another nurse was pulling off the charred oxygen mask and melted tubing, while a respiratory tech made sure all the oxygen valves to the room were closed.

This was a good reason to call the doctor, if not the fire department. Skipping his past medical history, under the circumstances, might have been a good idea, too.

Shantih. Shantih. Shantih.

Craig had to make a quiz for the younger Boy Scouts, and tested it out on his sister.

Since they aren't in the same literature classes, he didn't think her answer was funny.

But I did.

Sheeee's back!

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Sequel: "This is Mrs. Sequel, I need to make a follow-up appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay... Wait... it looks like you sent us a release 3 months ago, saying you'd decided to see a different neurologist because Dr. Grumpy didn't help you at all."

Mrs. Sequel: "Well, the other neurologist didn't help me, either. So I thought I'd give Dr. Grumpy another try."

Mary: "I'm sorry, once someone leaves the practice we don't let them come back. That's just office policy."

Mrs. Sequel: "Well, I never said I was leaving the practice, I just wanted to change doctors."

Mary: "You'll have to stay with that doctor, or find another. You can't come back here."

Mrs. Sequel: "I never saw another doctor. After I sent the release I changed my mind."

Mary: "But you just said the other doctor hadn't helped you!"

Mrs. Sequel: "I never said any such thing. You're imaging that."

Mary: "I'm sorry, but you'll have to seek care elsewhere."

Mrs. Sequel "Why, you have some nerve!"

click

Weekday update

During election season it's easy to forget that their are other major news stories going on. So, as a public service, I'm taking a break from medical blogging to update you on what's going on in the world.


DATELINE: MAINE

Police in Portland were called to investigate a traffic disturbance, namely one caused by a man dressed as a tree standing in the middle of the road.

CBS WGME

Mr. Tree (my colleague Officer Cynical identified him as a Dendriticus idioticus) was asked to stop obstructing traffic. When he refused to do so he was placed under arrest.

An unidentified friend of his told officers the green fellow was "studying traffic patterns." I suppose it's possible he was trying not to be seen.

I highly recommend the original story here. It features a video of Mr. Tree being arrested while officers try to figure out which branches to put the cuffs on.


DATELINE: FLORIDA

A 28-year old man was leaving the Dancer's Royale strip club. Friends noticed he was intoxicated and asked him not to drive home, but he refused.

He got into his truck and was heading out of the lot when he somehow fell out of the driver's seat onto the road, and was run over by his own vehicle. He then fled the scene but his identity was quickly discovered as he'd left his driver's license behind.

The truck continued on its way down the road before crashing into a nearby home.

WFTV9, Florida

An occupant of the home suffered non-life-threatening injuries.

Original story here.



DATELINE: WISCONSIN

Christina Ferguson, 32, was upset by a meeting of Donald Trump supporters that she passed and decided to, in the spirit of having a blood alcohol level of 0.218, vandalize their cars.

Unbeknownst to her, the meeting had nothing to do with Mr. Trump, but rather was a meeting of the local non-profit Tomorrow River Valley Conservation Club.

Armed with a family-size jar of low-sodium, creamy-style Jif peanut butter, Ms. Ferguson proceeded to smear the innocent TRVC club's cars with peanut butter, writing obscenities and drawing penises on them.

Ms. Ferguson initially denied involvement, but investigating officers noted she was holding a jar of peanut butter and "licking her fingers repeatedly" when they confronted her.

Chief deputy Dan Kontos told reporters, “Fortunately it wasn’t chunky peanut butter, so vehicles didn’t get scratched."

Story here.