Breaking news!

Keeping you up to date on the stories that shape your world, Dr. Grumpy's crack reporters bring you these news flashes:


DATELINE: CALIFORNIA

Alvin Neal attempted to rob a San Diego bank by handing the teller note saying it was a robbery, and to fork over some cash.

Unfortunately, Mr. Neal also attempted to keep other bank patrons from noticing what he was doing by acting like it was normal transaction. Which, apparently, included swiping his ATM card in the slot at the teller's window, immediately putting his name, address, and phone number on her screen.

He got out of the bank with $565 in cash, but didn't get very far.

Police who tracked him down using the data also noted he's a registered sex offender.



DATELINE: NEW YORK

Joseph Talbot was pulled over and arrested for driving while intoxicated.

He was quite upset that the news story and his mugshot in the local paper would ruin his reputation, so he refused to allow them to take his picture. This got him additional charges, and they took his picture anyway. He was released on bond.

Not wanting anyone to see his picture in the paper, Mr. Talbot came up with a novel solution: He followed the newspaper's delivery trucks all over town, buying up as many copies of the paper as he could find. One stand recognized him (from his picture in the paper, no less) and called the main office. Who sent out more papers, and also noted that the story was on their news website, too, making it damn near impossible for Mr. Talbot to purchase every single one.

And, as a result of his actions, got far more attention than he'd have gotten for a DWI in the first place.



DATELINE: FLORIDA

A man attempted to burglarize a store that specializes in selling (I swear!) surveillance cameras and other anti-theft gear.

His attempts to get into the Spy-Spot Investigations store was unsuccessful, and some nice shots of his face were taken.

The store's manager commented, “I don’t know why you would try to rob a spy store. The guy’s probably not the smartest criminal.”



DATELINE: PENNSYLVANIA

The federal government has filed suit against Lone Star Western Beef, Inc. for a lack of concern for its employees.

When a worker at their processing plant accidentally severed his thumb while preparing beef jerky, another employee immediately ran over to help staunch the bleeding and called 911 on her phone.

The owner of the plant quickly ran over and made her end the call, and subsequently fired her. The deeply concerned employer then picked up the thumb and had another worker drive Mr. Thumbless to an Urgent Care center instead of an ER. The Urgent Care center, not having anywhere near the surgical capabilities of a hospital-associated ER, was unable to re-attach the thumb.


DATELINE: STOKE-ON-TRENT, ENGLAND

Residents of an apartment building for senior citizens have been forbidden from drinking alcohol and singing karaoke in common areas following the combination leading to several incidences of "unacceptable behavior."

This comes on the heels of an altercation there last month between two retired women over a Christmas decoration.

One resident told reporters, "People in Alcatraz are treated better."