Police in Portland were called to investigate a traffic disturbance, namely one caused by a man dressed as a tree standing in the middle of the road.
Mr. Tree (my colleague Officer Cynical identified him as a Dendriticus idioticus) was asked to stop obstructing traffic. When he refused to do so he was placed under arrest.
An unidentified friend of his told officers the green fellow was "studying traffic patterns." I suppose it's possible he was trying not to be seen.
I highly recommend the original story here. It features a video of Mr. Tree being arrested while officers try to figure out which branches to put the cuffs on.
A 28-year old man was leaving the Dancer's Royale strip club. Friends noticed he was intoxicated and asked him not to drive home, but he refused.
He got into his truck and was heading out of the lot when he somehow fell out of the driver's seat onto the road, and was run over by his own vehicle. He then fled the scene but his identity was quickly discovered as he'd left his driver's license behind.
The truck continued on its way down the road before crashing into a nearby home.
An occupant of the home suffered non-life-threatening injuries.
Original story here.
Christina Ferguson, 32, was upset by a meeting of Donald Trump supporters that she passed and decided to, in the spirit of having a blood alcohol level of 0.218, vandalize their cars.
Unbeknownst to her, the meeting had nothing to do with Mr. Trump, but rather was a meeting of the local non-profit Tomorrow River Valley Conservation Club.
Armed with a family-size jar of low-sodium, creamy-style Jif peanut butter, Ms. Ferguson proceeded to smear the innocent TRVC club's cars with peanut butter, writing obscenities and drawing penises on them.
Ms. Ferguson initially denied involvement, but investigating officers noted she was holding a jar of peanut butter and "licking her fingers repeatedly" when they confronted her.
Chief deputy Dan Kontos told reporters, “Fortunately it wasn’t chunky peanut butter, so vehicles didn’t get scratched."