Friday, February 10, 2017

News updates

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that impact your lives.

DATELINE: Windsor, England.

Legoland was discovered to have a surprisingly large and sophisticated marijuana operation on the amusement park's premises. The plants, some 3 feet high and surrounded by grow-lights and a watering system, were found in an unused storage shed.

The suspects are believed to have entered the park by crossing through land owned by the Queen. To date Her Majesty has had no comment.

It's unknown if the area will be worked into an attraction for the new Lego Batman movie, or perhaps an attraction called Lego Robin's Magic Garden.

DATELINE: Pittsburgh

Daniel Marchese was found in a stopped, but running, car in the middle of an intersection, going in & out of consciousness. When awake he would expose himself to passersby. He was dressed in pink lingerie. Officers who investigated also found he had an open bottle of whiskey and 2 handguns with him.

I swear to God I am not making any of that up.

Mr. Marchese threatened officers and was taken into custody. He's been charged with a remarkable assortment of things, including drunken driving, indecent exposure, fighting with officers, aggravated assault, and weapons offenses.

I can only assume he was going to a rally for cross-dressing supporters of both the 2nd & 21st amendments.


John Haskew attempted to conduct a fraudulent wire transfer, hoping no one would notice. The amount, however, was $7 billion (you read that correctly) which tends to get attention.

His excuse, upon being arrested, was that Jesus had told him to do it because he created wealth for everyone, and this was Mr. Haskew's share.

The accused told police that he was "self-taught on the banking industry."


A man who - I swear - used his wife's phone to set up Uber transportation so that he could have an affair - is suing the ride service for $45 million for causing him to get divorced.

A glitch in the app kept sending notifications to his wife about where he was going, even though he'd logged out of it. She got kind of suspicious.

Apparently his lady dumping him is now Uber's fault, and has nothing to do with him, say, cheating on her.

The moral here is this: if you're cheating on your spouse, don't use their phone to arrange it. Use something secure, like Ashley Madison.


fiberman said...

Only one Florida man in the whole batch?

Packer said...

Is it the weekend yet ?

Anonymous said...

I can't believe a French wife divorcing a husband for infidelity. Must rather be for his stupidity in using her phone. (Or is that too cynical?)

Anonymous said...

Now we know why those wives of Windsor were so merry.

Anonymous said...

What, you've never heard of a "Pittsburgh left?"

Tarquin "R.J." Toffeebridge V said...

It's not that he was having an affair. It's that his wife found out that he was going to restaurants with tourist menus posted outside. At that point, she really had no choice.

Anonymous said...

Actually, it sounds like, for someone who's self-taught in the banking industry, John Haskew has it pretty well down. He's just 8 years late.

Anonymous said...

Maybe she's divorcing him for using Uber?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, and what do you think they're growing in those greenhouses in the "Living with the Land" ride at Epcot? You think it's just a coincidence that the other rides nearby have names like "Soarin'" and "Mission: Space?"

Anonymous said...

"I figured that she'd see the notifications on her own phone and then she'd think that she was the one having the affair."

Anonymous said...

The French guy's real problem started when he got Daniel Marchese as his Uber driver.

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