Friday, October 28, 2016

Sheeee's back!

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Sequel: "This is Mrs. Sequel, I need to make a follow-up appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay... Wait... it looks like you sent us a release 3 months ago, saying you'd decided to see a different neurologist because Dr. Grumpy didn't help you at all."

Mrs. Sequel: "Well, the other neurologist didn't help me, either. So I thought I'd give Dr. Grumpy another try."

Mary: "I'm sorry, once someone leaves the practice we don't let them come back. That's just office policy."

Mrs. Sequel: "Well, I never said I was leaving the practice, I just wanted to change doctors."

Mary: "You'll have to stay with that doctor, or find another. You can't come back here."

Mrs. Sequel: "I never saw another doctor. After I sent the release I changed my mind."

Mary: "But you just said the other doctor hadn't helped you!"

Mrs. Sequel: "I never said any such thing. You're imaging that."

Mary: "I'm sorry, but you'll have to seek care elsewhere."

Mrs. Sequel "Why, you have some nerve!"


Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Weekday update

During election season it's easy to forget that their are other major news stories going on. So, as a public service, I'm taking a break from medical blogging to update you on what's going on in the world.


Police in Portland were called to investigate a traffic disturbance, namely one caused by a man dressed as a tree standing in the middle of the road.


Mr. Tree (my colleague Officer Cynical identified him as a Dendriticus idioticus) was asked to stop obstructing traffic. When he refused to do so he was placed under arrest.

An unidentified friend of his told officers the green fellow was "studying traffic patterns." I suppose it's possible he was trying not to be seen.

I highly recommend the original story here. It features a video of Mr. Tree being arrested while officers try to figure out which branches to put the cuffs on.


A 28-year old man was leaving the Dancer's Royale strip club. Friends noticed he was intoxicated and asked him not to drive home, but he refused.

He got into his truck and was heading out of the lot when he somehow fell out of the driver's seat onto the road, and was run over by his own vehicle. He then fled the scene but his identity was quickly discovered as he'd left his driver's license behind.

The truck continued on its way down the road before crashing into a nearby home.

WFTV9, Florida

An occupant of the home suffered non-life-threatening injuries.

Original story here.


Christina Ferguson, 32, was upset by a meeting of Donald Trump supporters that she passed and decided to, in the spirit of having a blood alcohol level of 0.218, vandalize their cars.

Unbeknownst to her, the meeting had nothing to do with Mr. Trump, but rather was a meeting of the local non-profit Tomorrow River Valley Conservation Club.

Armed with a family-size jar of low-sodium, creamy-style Jif peanut butter, Ms. Ferguson proceeded to smear the innocent TRVC club's cars with peanut butter, writing obscenities and drawing penises on them.

Ms. Ferguson initially denied involvement, but investigating officers noted she was holding a jar of peanut butter and "licking her fingers repeatedly" when they confronted her.

Chief deputy Dan Kontos told reporters, “Fortunately it wasn’t chunky peanut butter, so vehicles didn’t get scratched."

Story here.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Artisanal overload

Time to hit the mailbag for more bullshit "artisanal" crap you guys have sent in.

Here's an offer for an artisanal vacation to Portland, Oregon. I have no idea how an entire trip can be artisanal. Is the plane rustic? (that doesn't sound safe, does it?). Is the rental car handcrafted? (yes, by giant sheet-steel-bending robots). You also get to "blend your own tea." Hell, I can do that with a large mug and a Keurig - at home.

Sara Lee, the McD's of grocery store bread, now has:

Not to be outdone, a mass-produced frozen pizza crust is now, what else,

But why stop at grocery store pizza crust? If you make over 10 million tortillas a year around the globe, doesn't that qualify them as artisanal? And what's "artisan style" anyway? What a person would make if they were made of metal and could manufacture 3000 tortillas an hour?

Then there's this. Although the word "artisanal" isn't in here, it's like they were using a thesaurus to find any other cheesy phrase in its place. And over what? FISH. How do you "handcraft" a fish?

After a hard day handcrafting fish, you're probably going to want to blow off steam at the gym. And where better to go than...

Regardless of what they're making, even artisans need to invest money for retirement. And where better to do that than in an artisanal mutual fund?

Friday, October 21, 2016


Seen in a hospital chart:

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Drug rep

Rikki Foneysmile: "So, Dr. Grumpy, please remember Locraft for all your patients with Phingluie-Maglawnaf Syndrome."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. Where do I sign for samples?"

Rikki Foneysmile: "Right here, in the box on the lower left... Great! Here's 5 boxes, and some co-pay coupons..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Thank you. Have a great weekend."

Rikki Foneysmile; "You, too. By the way, I know what you're doing."

Dr. Grumpy: "Huh?"

Rikki Foneysmile: "I know what's really going on."

Dr. Grumpy: "With what?"

Rikki Foneysmile: "You're using my samples to start people on Locraft, then switching them to the generic form."

Dr. Grumpy: "I..."

Rikki Foneysmile: "I just want you to know that I know what you're doing."

She turned around and left.

Monday, October 17, 2016


Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Pill: "I need a refill on my Plortchzap."

Annie: "Sure... Actually it looks like you should have 3 refills left on it."

Mrs. Pill: "That's what the bottle says, but I wasn't sure what 'three refills' meant."

Friday, October 14, 2016

Air time

Recently I went to a research meeting in another city.

The guy next to me was watching a movie on his iPad.

About halfway through the flight, he dug into his backpack and pulled out a bunch of yellow Splenda packets.

And proceeded to tear them open and pour the contents in his mouth, one by one.

"Thanks, but I brought my own lunch."

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Never tried that

"It hurts like, um, doc, you know what it feels like when you're out hiking barefoot and you accidentally step on some rusty barbed wire somebody left lying around? You've done that?"

Monday, October 10, 2016

Pruf reeding

My reader Liz was doing some continuing education in ethics, when she saw this example of how a typo can change things:

Thank you, Liz!

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Personalized medicine


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Dr. Cowboy: "Hi, this is Dr. Cowboy down the street. I have a guy, a really great guy here. I'd like to set him up to see Dr. Grumpy. He has good insurance."

Mary: "Okay, how do you spell his name?"

Dr. Cowboy: "Shit, I have no idea. Let me call you back when I have the chart."


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Dr. Cowboy: "Hi, this is Dr. Cowboy again. I have a great guy here, I talked to you about him the other day. Anyway, I've got his name here, so I can set that up now. He has good insurance."

Mary: "Okay. What insurance is it? I just want to make sure it's one we take."

Dr. Cowboy: "Sure, I agree, it's... Shit, I don't have that here, just his name. It's one of the big companies, let me call you back when I have that in front of me."


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Dr. Cowboy: "Hi, this is Dr. Cowboy. I talked to you about this guy. He's a great guy, and his insurance, which is good insurance, is Major Illness, Inc."

Mary: "Great! We take that. And what day would he like to come in? We have openings on..."

Dr. Cowboy: "Shit, I'm not sure. I better ask him first. I'll call him later today and get back to you, or have him call you, and we'll get something set-up."

Monday (again):

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Dr. Cowboy: "Hey, it's Dr. Cowboy. Okay, I spoke to him late of Friday, and he says he can come in on Tuesday or Wednesday, preferably in the..." (mumbling in background) "Really?"


Mary: "Hello?"

Dr. Cowboy: "Shit, never mind. My nurse just said he died over the weekend. He was a good guy, too. Had great insurance."

Monday, October 3, 2016

Weekend on call

Seen in a chart:

Friday, September 30, 2016


Dr. Grumpy: "How are you doing? That was a pretty bad concussion."

Mr. Cantu: "I'm not myself at all."

Dr. Grumpy: "What do you mean?"

Mr. Cantu: "I have to ask my wife for help with everything."

Mrs. Cantu: "If that's the main issue, then you've had a concussion since we got married."

Let's hear it!

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Turing test

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Voice: "Hello, I'm calling from Major Illness Insurance to verify your office information."

Mary: "Okay."

Voice: "Is this Dr. Grumpy's office?"

Mary: "Yes."

Voice: "And is this the correct phone number to call Dr. Grumpy at?"

Mary: "Yes."

Voice: "What is the correct number for your office?"

Mary: "Uh, this one. You just called me on it."

Voice: "Please verify."

Mary: "867-5309"

Voice: "Correct, thank you. Do the doctor and staff speak English?"

Mary: "Yes."

Voice: " Any other languages?"

Mary: "No."

Voice: "Does Dr. Grumpy see patients?"

Mary: "Of course."

Voice: "Is that yes or no?"

Mary: "Yes."

Voice: "What kind of doctor is Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "He's a neurologist."

Voice: "Does he specialize in neurology?"

Mary: "Yes."

Voice: "Does he see neurology patients?"

This went on for another 10 minutes.

Monday, September 26, 2016


Seen in a chart:

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