Sunday, May 24, 2020


For all of its pros and cons, this, to me, is the best part of the internet.

It brings me stuff it had never occurred to me was out there, and that I'd never have heard otherwise.

Thank you, SMOD!

Thursday, May 21, 2020

My readers write

My colleague, Dr. O, writes:

"I’m in the breakfast line at the hospital cafeteria, because today is the one day of the week they offer the decent ham and cheese scramble. But the line is being held up by this person who is leaning over the sneeze guard, mask open, near the pre-made croissants (which thankfully are wrapped). He’s complaining to the staff.

What COULD be the problem? Did he find a hair in something? Was something raw? Was he concerned that his sausage came from a Tyson plant??

Fuck no. This guy was complaining that there was a typo on the menu. And spent ten minutes pointing this out. Being a psychiatrist I was terrified this was going to be a consult before I could have my morning Coke."

Monday, May 18, 2020

Seen in charts

Thursday, May 14, 2020

Side hustle

Annie: “Dr. Grumpy’s office, this is Annie.”

Mrs. Grave: “Hi, how much does Dr. Grumpy charge to do public speaking?”

Annie: “Um, I’d have to check with him, I’m not sure he does that. Is this for support group? He does those on occasion, but doesn’t charge.”

Mrs. Grave: “No, it’s for a funeral.”

Annie: “Excuse me?”

Mrs. Grave: “It’s for my grandfather’s graveside memorial service. My mom asked me to find someone to conduct it, and since grandpa died of a neurological disease I thought maybe a neurologist would be the person to call.”

Annie: “Was he a patient of Dr. Grumpy’s?”

Mrs. Grave: “No. I already called his neurologist, but they told me I should try a member of the clergy, but I like my idea better so am going through the phone book.”

Annie: “Hang on...”

Annie puts her on hold, walks down to my office, pulls me out from a patient visit to make sure I haven’t started some new business sideline she didn’t know about, tries to keep me from breaking into hysterics, walks back to her office.

Annie: “No, he doesn’t do this sort of thing.”

Mrs. Grave: “Do you have any suggestions? I mean, you’d think doctors should be the ones doing this sort of thing, wouldn’t you? I thought they teach this stuff in medical school.”

Monday, May 11, 2020

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the news that shapes your world.


A tanker truck carrying several thousand gallons of red wine was going down the freeway when another driver signaled the truck's operator to pull over. The truck driver did so, concerned there was a mechanical problem with his vehicle.

When he stopped, the other driver climbed out of his car. This fellow, clad only in underwear and a face mask, ran over to try and get into the truck's passenger cab.

The truck driver started to pull away, but underwear man ran alongside the truck and jumped on.

As the truck sped down the freeway, underwear man climbed under its frame until he reached the tank's main valve. Hanging there, in a position the CHP described as "like making a snow angel," he unscrewed the covering. Red wine began pouring out. He stuck his head into the stream and began chugging the vino in a "drinking from the fire hose" moment.

The driver, alerted by a gauge showing him the tank was losing fluid, pulled over and called 911.

Roughly 1000 gallons, enough to fill 5000 bottles, of red wine was lost. How much ended up on the freeway and how much was in underwear man is unclear.

The almost-naked suspect attempted to flee on foot, but was caught by police.

A highway patrol spokesman said "I've listened to thousands and thousands of calls. This one's up there in the top 10."


Mr. Jason Daddario was thrown out of a McDonald's for refusing to wear a face mask. Upon leaving he threw a rock at the building, breaking a window.

He then went to a nearby Walmart and stole several pairs of womens underwear.

He surrendered when he encountered a police dog.

It's unclear if he was planning to use the underwear as a mask to obtain a Big Mac, or if he was simply going to eat them instead.


Police in Walker, Louisiana, are on the lookout for "an aggressive chicken" that's been terrorizing people trying to use a bank's ATM and drive-thru.

Per the report, the culprit has attacked & chased customers, tried to enter cars, and "failed to engage in proper social distancing.”

The suspect is described as being reddish-tan in color, roughly 18 inches tall, and weighing between 6 and 8 pounds. It's wanted on charges of “assault, attempted battery, attempted burglary, terrorizing, and ignoring an order of the Governor."

To date, in spite of patrols, the chicken has not been caught after repeatedly fleeing on foot. Police warned that “given the chicken’s history of aggressive behavior, the public is urged to avoid confronting the fowl and to instead, contact Walker Police if seen.”

Thursday, May 7, 2020

Seen in a chart

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Modern life

Dr. Grumpy: "What have you been up to?"

Mr. Home: "I took my blood pressure this morning. Then I took my pills and had a BM. These days that's keeping busy."

Sunday, April 26, 2020

Phone calls

I'm with a patient when Mary knocks to say there's an ER doctor on hold for me.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Doctor Er: "Oh, crap, I didn't think you'd pick up so fast. Hey I need to talk to you about one of your seizure patients."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure. What's up?"

Doctor Er: "It's a guy, I think in his 40's, he's on one of those newer seizure meds? He says he hasn't seen you for about a year?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have a name?"

Doctor Er: "I, uh, don't have the chart in front of me. He takes an epilepsy medication? Does that sound familiar?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It could be quite a few patients. Do you have a date of birth?"

Doctor Er: "Honestly, I figured I'd be on hold for a few minutes, so I'm not at the computer. Actually, I'm sitting on the can right now. How about I call you back in a few minutes when I'm done?"

Dr. Grumpy: "That's fine."

Doctor Er: "Thanks."


Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Quarantine day whatever - seen in our fridge

Saturday, April 18, 2020

Stand-up COVID comedy

Today Marie and I went out for a walk.

After several blocks we came to a police crew cleaning up an intersection from an accident. The damaged cars were already gone, but there were a few guys sweeping up car debris and measuring distances.

One officer was filling out paperwork and Marie asked him what happened.

Without looking up he said "someone coughed on the road, that's all."

Monday, April 13, 2020

"Uh, no thanks, I don't want that either"

Yet another not-so-thought-out healthcare worker appreciation idea:

Thank you, M!

Saturday, April 11, 2020

Strange substitutions

No idea how the store's shopping software thought these were equivalent, but here ya go:

Thank you, H!

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Guest post

Hi, it's Frank writing today. Dad is talking to a patient on his computer, which involves him putting on a nice shirt for 10 minutes.

After my school closed the dorms and I came home, I got a job at local grocery as a courtesy clerk.

For those of you who don't know, we're the people who bag your groceries, carry them out to your car if needed, collect carts from the parking lot (and spray them with bleach these days), tell you where  applesauce is, clean up the latte you dropped and your kid's mess after he puked in the cereal aisle, sweep the floors, clean and restock the bathrooms, put back the detergent you left by the bread because you changed your mind, and occasionally stock shelves if that team is overwhelmed.

Obviously, this ain't a fun job, but it's a job. When I signed up I was just looking for some extra money and didn't expect to be on the front line of the toilet paper wars, but that's life.

My shift is usually with Stephanie, Mike, and Pete. Pete has Down's Syndrome, but does as good a job as anyone else and is a hard worker.

Anyway, at the end of the checkout row is an area with extra bags for us, the straps we use to bring in a train of carts, paper towels, and a bottle of hand sanitizer (chained down nowadays).

Yesterday Mrs. Bagg came in. She wanders in about twice a week and is always yelling that we bagged her groceries wrong and accuses every cashier of shorting her a penny or two.

This time she was angry that she couldn't find hand sanitizer (like ANYONE has it right now, unless you go one of those websites charging $35 for 8 ounces). Of course, she called over the supervisor to complain about it. Then she got angry that she couldn't have the bottle that's chained down for us and the cashiers to use.

While she was yelling about us not being able to provide her with a bottle, Pete walked in from collecting carts and spraying them off. He went over and spritzed some of the hand sanitizer on, then headed for the break room to get a drink.


Mr. Lettuce (he's the head of produce) immediately came over and told her to leave the store and that she wouldn't be allowed back. Stephanie, who was on her way out to get carts, began applauding (Mrs. Bagg accuses her of scratching her car almost every month). I went into the break room to make sure Pete was okay (he was). My manager gave Mrs. Bagg's cart to Mike and told him to go put her stuff back, since she wasn't allowed to buy it anymore and would have to go elsewhere.

As my Dad would say, "Fuck you, Mrs. Bagg." No one deserves to be treated like that, no matter what else is going on.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Seen in a chart

"Is that a back problem or are you happy to see me?"

- Thank you, K!
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