Monday, February 19, 2018

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape your world.

DATELINE: PENNSYLVANIA

Pastor George Gregory, of the Waterfront Community Christian Church, claimed that he was "counseling" a man found naked and tied up with rope in a parked car with him.

When police arrived the naked & bound man was in the front seat and Pastor Gregory was in the back "adjusting his clothes."

The good pastor states that he "did nothing" and was helping the man work through a drug problem. He also added that they “were just playing” and would “meet up from time to time to play with each other.”



DATELINE: GERMANY

Police were summoned to an apartment where cries for help were reported.

Upon breaking in, officers found 2 men "hopelessly locked together" with a mannequin dressed in a knight's costume and a remote-control toy car.

Both men were too drunk to explain exactly how this had happened, though, after being freed, one of them was charged with insulting the officers.

Inquiring minds want to know, but mercifully no pictures were taken.




DATELINE: MEDICAL NEWS

A study found that epilepsy patients who developed impaired consciousness while driving were more likely to have car accidents than epilepsy patients who retained normal consciousness behind the wheel. (Neurology Reviews, January, 2017, page 8).

Friday, February 16, 2018

"Make mine a double."

This CME course title can be interpreted in more than one way...




Thank you Dr. A!

Thursday, February 15, 2018

The answer

Thank you all for a great selection of serious, hysterical, and entertaining answers.

The correct one (as several guessed) is...

A guinea pig, viewed from above, with the owner drawing in areas where hair had fallen out (alopecia).

Congratulations to the winners! You've just won a brand new Chrysler Cordoba and you can pick it up at Morty's office!

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Drawing

Webhill, over at Veterinarians Behaving Badly, submitted this picture. It was drawn for her by a pet's owner.





Let's have your guesses. Answer will be listed tomorrow.

Hint: It is not a turd.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Lists

I now present Mary’s list of issues that always seem to plague the last patient seen each day (especially on a Friday).


The last patient of the day:

1. Shows up late, and wants to tell you the 10 minute story of why they're late.

2. Wants to read the HIPAA privacy form word-for-word and ask questions, even though it's identical to the one every other doctor and hospital in the country use.

3. Has a new insurance card and left it at home.

4. Forgot to bring the insurance authorization for the visit, and the doctor who issued it closed early that day.

5. Left their MRI reports/lab reports/small child in the car, has to go back to get them, and has no idea where they parked.

6. Refuses to start the appointment until their spouse/child/parent arrives, and has no idea where they are.

7. Has a new address, needs to fill out the forms for it, and has to call someone to verify what it is.

8. Needs a bunch of prescriptions written, with both 30-day and 90-day scripts written for every one.

9. Shows up late, checks in, then leaves to find a bathroom and is gone another 15 minutes.

10. Somehow manages to lose their phone/sunglasses/corgi in the lobby or exam room and needs you to help them look for it.

Friday, February 9, 2018

Local insanity

Due to some unanticipated craziness here I didn't have time to write last night, so am just going to share one of my favorite TV bits:


Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape your world.


DATELINE: MINNESOTA

From the "hold my beer and watch this" department.

An unidentified man was injured attempting to jump a rocket-powered bike off his roof.

According to police, he'd taken a bicycle and attached skis to it, then added a motorcycle tail pipe modified into a rocket. The rocket fuel he was using in his heroic endeavor to confirm Darwinism was Heet, an antifreeze product for fuel lines.

He apparently flew off the roof, then fell 13 feet down and plowed into a fence.

When paramedics arrived he was lying on his back on a sled, pushing himself around the driveway and cursing loudly about how much pain he was in.



DATELINE: MARYLAND

Robert Meilhammer and friends were out hunting birds, and, when a flock of Canadian geese went by, one of them raised his rifle and brought a fowl down.

The dying goose, however, decided to take some primates with him, and on the way down hit Mr. Meilhammer on the head, conking him out cold, causing "head and facial injuries," and knocking out 2 teeth.

With his goose nearly cooked, paramedics took Mr. Meilhammer to an airport, where he was airlifted to a trauma center. Upon waking, he reportedly didn't remember much of the incident.

One of the goose's family members told our reporter that he hopes Mr. Meilhammer gets a large bill.



DATELINE: MINNESOTA (again)


In a sporting scandal to rival Riyadh's camel-Botoxgate, the Brainerd, Minnesota Jaycees are investigating claims of cheating at an ice-fishing tournament.

In the cut-throat, ultra-competitive, anything-goes world of ice-fishing contests, the prizes which are currently being held pending investigation are a pick-up truck, $1,000 cash, and a certificate for a free ice auger.

With over 12,000 entrants packed onto the lake like sardines, officials said screening them for fair play is enough to give anyone a haddock. Methods of cheating listed include (I swear) sneaking a live fish in with your gear or digging a shallow hole in the ice the night before, putting a live fish in it, and hoping it's still there and alive the next day.

Apparently some contestants take this quite seriously, though most were participating just for the halibut and had a whale of a time.

Thank you, Kip Addotta.




Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Feelings. Nothing more than...

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Visit: "Hi, I have an appointment at 2:00 today, and was wondering if I could come in at 1:30 instead."

Mary: "Sure. The slot opened up this morning, so it's all yours."



1 hour later



Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Visit: "Hi, this is Mrs. Visit. I changed my appointment from 2:00 to 1:30, but have run into trouble. Can I still come in at 2:00?"

Mary: "Sure. It's still open. We'll see you then!"



2:15 p.m.



Mrs. Visit: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, this is Mary at Dr. Grumpy's office. We were expecting you at 2:00, but it's 2:15. Is everything okay?"

Mrs. Visit: "Yeah, but I have to work all day. They told me this morning that I wouldn't be able to leave at all, I guess I knew that all along. Sorry."

Mary: "Then why didn't you just cancel earlier? We can reschedule you."

Mrs. Visit: "I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

Friday, February 2, 2018

2:54 a.m.

Voice: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Voice: "Hi, this is Candy Furuncle, I see you for epilepsy? I'm on Fluximoo, I think 400mg each night?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Voice: "Anyway, I've got this huge boil on my left butt cheek. What am I supposed to do about it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Call your internist. This isn't my field."

Voice: "Can you give me a hint? Like dig it out with a nail clippers or something?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. Call your internist."

Voice: "What if he's sleeping?"
 
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