For Christmas day I'm repeating this column from last year. It detailed my December 24th run to the grocery store.
Oh, 2 tomatoes, and some paper plates? No problem. Let me get my car keys.
Crap, Local Grocery is mobbed. Hey, bitch! Don't flip me off! I wasn't even looking at that parking space. Chill.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Salvation Army dude. My only cash is $3, but I'll gladly put it in your kettle.
What a fucking mob scene. Hey! Don't push me! I didn't even want the last shopping cart! I'm just here for some damn tomatoes, lady. Merry Christmas.
Hi, it's me. I have the tomatoes. What brand of paper plates do you want? No, it looks like they're out of those. Okay, I'll get Chinet. Says they're made from recycled paper. Hope it's not toilet paper.
No, Mr. Salvation Army. I gave you my last $3 on the way in. Remember? Merry Christmas.
Hello? No, just leaving. Lettuce? Yeah, hang on. I can go back. Looks like some guy in a Santa hat is yelling at the Salvation Army guy for blocking the door, but security is leading Santa away now. Shit, somebody took my parking space as soon as I pulled out. Let me find another one.
Sorry, Mr. McDonald's manager. I didn't realize this space was for McD's customers only. It's not marked that way. I'll move my car, don't worry. Merry Christmas.
Mr. Salvation Army, it's me again. I had to come back. You have my $3 already.
Lettuce... hey, stockperson, whatever sex you are, where's the lettuce? You only have 3 heads left? Wow. I had no idea there'd be such a rush on iceberg for Christmas. Well, this one looks like it's been dropped the least.
It's a self-checkout. Look, I don't recognize you as one of my Alzheimer's patients, but you obviously are not grasping how to work this thing. So go over to the cashier and check-out the old fashioned way. I think she's one of my dementia patients, so I'm sure you'll have a lot to talk about while you hold up that line.
What the fuck! It's not taking my credit card! All I want is one fucking head of bruised iceberg lettuce!
How long will that take?
NO! I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING CASH! I GAVE MY LAST 3 DOLLARS TO THE FUCKING SALVATION ARMY GUY! IF I HAD ANY CASH DO YOU THINK I'D BE WASTING MY TIME TRYING TO PUT A SINGLE $1.29 HEAD OF LETTUCE ON A FUCKING CREDIT CARD?!!
Well, fine. I'll go over to the ATM across the parking lot. Look at that line and NO, YOU BELL-RINGING ASSHOLE! YOU ALREADY HAVE MY $3! IF I HADN'T PUT IT IN YOUR FUCKING KETTLE I'D HAVE BEEN HOME BY NOW!
This is the line for the ATM? There are 5 freaking ATM's here? Oh, great, the other 4 are all out of cash due to the Christmas rush. Fine, I'll wait.
Hello? No, I'm in line at an ATM. I need to get cash to buy lettuce and... Because I gave it to the Salvation Army guy, that's why! Look, it's taking longer than I thought!
NO, MR. SALVATION ARMY! I just got this $20 out of the ATM after waiting for 15 minutes, because I gave you my last $3 and now the credit card machine is broken, and if you approach me again I'm going to shove that fucking bell up your ass.
YOU SOLD MY FUCKING BRUISED HEAD OF LETTUCE TO SOMEBODY ELSE? ARE THERE ANY LEFT? NO? CALL THE FUCKING MANAGER!!!
Fine I'll take this bag of salad instead, but it better be for the original $1.29. Merry Christmas.
Don't even think about it, Mr. Bell Ringing Salvation Army Guy.
When I got home Mrs. Grumpy told me she'd just found an extra head of lettuce in the refrigerator. She'd forgotten she'd bought one yesterday and put it in the produce drawer.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.