Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Bekins: "Hi, I need to make an appointment with the doctor."

Mary: "Okay, what's your insurance?"

Mrs. Bekins: "Um... Gee, I really don't know. I'm in the process of relocating to Grumpyville, and don't have a job yet."

Mary: "All right... Would you like to call back when you know more?"

Mrs. Bekins: "No, I still want to set something up."

Mary: "Okay, when are you moving here?"

Mrs. Bekins: "I don't know yet. Could be anywhere from 3 months to a year."

Pause.

Mary: "I think it would be better if you call back when you know when you'll be here."

Mrs. Bekins: "You're probably right. What part of town are you in?"

Mary: "Do you know the areas of Grumpyville?"

Mrs. Bekins: "No. Can you send me a map? And recommend a realtor?"

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Market share

In medicine there's a mysterious villain called "Big Pharma." This is a secret conglomeration of drug companies working to deprive you of both money and health as part of the New World Order. Depending on how far you buy into this bullshit, doctors are a part of this Medical-Pharma complex, along with (depending on your Haldol dose) any religion you hate, the United Nations, space aliens, homosexuals, and the Dead Milkmen.

Now, obviously, I don't believe this. The one grain of truth in the "Big Pharma" idea is that obviously companies that manufacture something want to sell it. This applies to medicines, car manufacturers, potato peelers, whatever.

Drug companies are required to do research to prove safety and efficacy of their stuff. But they also do smaller studies to try and prove they're at least better than a competitor. These studies, I must admit, tend to favor whoever sponsored them- but keep in mind they're trying to knock down competitors- NOT work with them.

A drug company sponsors a study that showed their drug worked. THE NERVE! Because, after all, no other industry would dare act like this...

So let's look at this article.

Basically (for those of you too lazy to click the link), it's a study that found "stone fruits" (those with large, singular, pits, like peaches) help with obesity and diabetes.

Some out there will claim this shows that Big Pharma is keeping "natural" secrets from them (because you'll otherwise NEVER hear that fruits & vegetables are better for you than a Big Mac). But let's read the disclaimer at the bottom of the article:

"The studies on the health benefits of stone fruit are funded by the California Tree Fruit Agreement, The California Plum Board, the California Grape and Tree Fruit League and the Texas Department of Agriculture."

Here's the bottom line: Everyone will pay for research to sell you their product. Whether it's Big Pharma or Big Farm.


Thank you, SMOD!

Monday, June 25, 2012

That's Amoré!

Mr. Fatherly: "It was really stressful 3 months ago, because my son and his fiancée moved in with me."

Dr. Grumpy: "How are things now?"

Mr. Fatherly: "Better, my son finally moved out last week."

Dr. Grumpy: "What about his fiancée?"

Mr. Fatherly: "I married her. That's why he moved out."

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Wanted: Students with partial amputations

Somehow I think this could have been worded better:


Thank you, Maridyth!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

OH, FOR HELL'S SAKE!!!


Thank you, WH!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Notes

Mrs. Flight: "I need a note, saying I'm too sick to travel to New York."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um... but you're not sick at all."

Mrs. Flight: "I know, but I'm trying to get out of this trip, and a note would help."

Dr. Grumpy: "I can't falsify a note for an airline."

Mrs. Flight: "No. It's for my sister. I don't want to go see her because she's a bitch."

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Airborn drug transference

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm going to start you on Coumadin."

Mr. Wisconsin: "But I'm already on it!"

Dr. Grumpy: "You are? I didn't see that in your chart..."

Mr. Wisconsin: "Well, I mean, I'm not on it myself, but my wife takes it. So wouldn't that cover me, too? Just from being near her a lot?"

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

WTF?

I've shown you guys some seriously strange drug company ads over the years.

After 15 years of reading journals I thought I'd seen every weird eye-catching trick an advertising agent can think up.

But, even I was taken aback by the sheer WTFness of a veterinary drug ad my esteemed colleague Webhill sent me yesterday:




 Thank you, Webhill!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Decimal fetish

Dr. Grumpy: "Any changes in your weight?"

Mr. Precise: "Yes." whips out iPhone "As of this morning, since January 1, 2012, I've gained 1.5873 pounds."

Monday, June 18, 2012

Saturday night, 11:38 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Miss Hedayk: "Yeah, I see you for migraines, that I, uh, only get during sex..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Miss Hedayk: "Well, I'm over at the Meat Hook bar, and met this really hot guy, and I'm um, out of my migraine pills, and, uh, could you call some into the pharmacy, so I can pick them up on the way to his place?"

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Language

Dr. Grumpy: "It looks like you have high blood pressure?"

Mr. Semantics: "I wouldn't characterize it as such."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, but you're on 3 blood pressure medications."

Mr. Semantics: "My internist and I have a difference of opinion of both vital signs and common vernacular."

Friday, June 15, 2012

June 15, 1944


Officer Cynical asked to do a guest post today, in memory of those who gave all in one of the most vicious battles of World War II. Take it away, Officer!

On June 6, 1944 the largest amphibious invasion in history took place in Normandy. Lost in its shadow are equally important events that happened at the same time on the other side of the world.

Today, June 15, 2012, marks the 68th anniversary of the U.S. Marine assault on Saipan.

On June 5, 1944, the same day the allied invasion ships set off across the English Channel for Normandy, another amphibious force left Pearl Harbor to carry out a mission of equal importance in the Pacific. It's almost-forgotten today, but the effects were tremendous. As one Japanese admiral commented, ""Our war was lost with the loss of Saipan."
Saipan was an important objective, both to cut off Japanese supply lines and to provide an airbase from which bombers could reach the Japanese home islands.
At 8:00 a.m., 8,000 Marines came ashore against 31,000 Japanese defenders. Many Marines later stated it was the most savagely opposed amphibious landing of the Pacific war.
Japanese artillery (pre-aimed at the invasion beach), along with machine-gun and sniper fire, made the landing murderous. You can see in the photos below the desperation of the men who have just hit the beach.


Men & machinery coming ashore.



Crawling to duck snipers



The Marines at the center and far left have just been hit by enemy fire.
Many enemy artillary positions were neutralized by gunfire from American warships, which was guided by Navajo code-talkers who'd gone ashore with the troops.
The morning after the landing, the Marines awoke to find every support vessel except a hospital ship had left. The Japanese Imperial Navy had counterattacked the U.S. Task Force near Saipan in an attempt to reinforce and resupply the defenders. The result was the naval/air Battle of the Philippine Sea, and the decisive allied air victory called The Great Marianas Turkey Shoot.
Ultimately, the combined American forces of Marine and Army units numbered about 70,000 men. After three weeks, the Japanese staged a last-ditch banzai charge of about 4,000 soldiers, including their wounded and conscripted civilians. Some had no firearms, but carried sticks with knives tied to the ends and other crude weapons.


Shaking out a shoe, sitting on an unexploded shell from a battleship.
 In the end, 13,790 American (19%) were killed or wounded. 29,000 Japanese (94%) were killed; only 920 prisoners were taken. Some 20,000 of the 25,000 civilians living on Saipan also died, almost all by suicide, either by jumping from cliffs (after throwing their children off) or by blowing themselves up with grenades. They had been convinced by the Japanese military that suicide was preferable to capture by the Americans. 
The nightmare of Saipan shows on the face of this Marine:


The "thousand-yard-stare"

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Hospital rounds

Dr. Grumpy: "What color is my shirt?"

Ms. Haldol: "As black as your greedy, money-grubbing soul you bastard!"

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Turn in your man card, dude

Sheesh, wouldn't it be better to just lie?

Patient quote of the day

"I have a huge pituitary tumor. They told me it was pressing on my sciatic nerve."

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

What SHOULD she do?

Sermo is an online doctor community. Once or twice a week I skim the posts to see if there's anything of interest.

Anyway, one hazard of technology is that a lot of people post while typing on the fly. This, combined with autocorrect, can lead to some eye-catching items.

ADDENDUM: due to lawyers from Sermo sending me threatening email, I had to take the screenshot down (those of you up early saw it). Basically, what it said is:


"One of my colleagues recently had a tubal legation. Now her vagina is demanding an embassy. What should she do?"








Monday, June 11, 2012

Great office moments

Mr. Ataxic: "I've been having a lot of balance problems. My walking is off, and I'm clumsy."

Dr. Grumpy: "Let's go out in the hallway, and let me watch you walk."

Mr. Ataxic goes out in the hallway, and I follow him. Stepping out from behind my desk, I discover (too late) that my shoelace is caught in one of the chair's rollers. As I walk the chair comes with me. I lose my balance and fall, just barely missing Ed. Then the whole chair crashes down on top of me. As the chair flies up it pulls my shoe off and sends it flying under the desk.

Mr. Ataxic: "Yeah, doc, kind of like that, but not as spectacular. Holy shit, are you okay?"

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Weekend reruns

Okay, Grumpyites. My friendly neighborhood Lidoderm (a skin patch for pain after shingles) drug rep left me this.

Drug reps aren't allowed to take us to ball games anymore (I'm okay with that). In fact, this year they've actually been banned from bringing us even cheap pens and post-it notes.

BUT they are still allowed to bring us oddball stuff which falls under "patient education". Like this thing:




What is it? An art deco cactus garden? A model of Bikini Bottom (the home of Spongebob Squarepants)?


Nope. It's a model of the nerve endings of your skin, showing how painful post-shingles pain can be. When you turn it on, notice how the nerves glow red (it's pain, get it)?





And HERE! When you push down on the Lidoderm patch (get it? you're applying it to the skin?) they now glow soothingly blue (ah, that feels better). Thank you, Craig, for the hand cameo.



Isn't this useful! Isn't this revolutionary! Isn't this a great use of your medication money!

The kids and I have now taken out the batteries, and this weekend will study the feasibility of turning it into a new home for Ed, my office fish.

Friday, June 8, 2012

America. Land of really strange crimes.

Some days you think you've seen it all. And then you find out you're wrong.

Thank you, Mark!

Patient quote of the day

"I was on extreme doses of extremely powerful pain medications, because my symptoms were, you know, extreme. My doctor was extremely worried that I'd get extreme side effects, but apparently I have extremely high tolerance. They told me my liver is extremely strong."

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Wednesday afternoon whatever

Mr. Webster: "My mother died of coronary trombones."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean thrombosis?"

Mr. Webster: "Whatever."

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

A-Z

GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Fifa: "I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy right away! When I exercise I get these horrible headaches! They just started last week, and I can't do anything!"

Mary: "Okay, we can see you Thursday afternoon..."

Ms. Fifa: "Oh, I can't come in then. That's when I play soccer."

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I have a bad feeling about this

Dr. Grumpy: "What medications are you on?"

Mr. Scattered: "I don't know. Whatever my girlfriend puts in my pill cup."

Dr. Grumpy (to girlfriend): "What pills does he get?"

Ms. Girlfriend: "I don't know the names. Whatever his mother tells me to give him."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where can I reach your mom?"

Mr. Scattered: "She's in jail."

Monday, June 4, 2012

My dog tries for the Darwin Award

Due to the weather warming up, I decided to shut down the hot tub for the summer. It's a big round thing, so I drained it and stood it on its side to dry.

Mello saw it standing there, and, to my astonishment, decided it was a giant hamster wheel. So she immediately jumped in it and began running.

This was a disaster in the making.

She actually got it about 20 feet across the yard before the whole thing fell over upside down, trapping her under it.

It was pretty hard not to laugh at the muffled "woof" of astonishment as I went over to free her.

Moron dog.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Hmmm. Christopher Lee just turned 90...

While doing an online survey about Parkinson's Disease treatments yesterday, I encountered this question about 2/3 of the way through. I can only assume it's to see if I was paying attention:


Saturday, June 2, 2012

Rimshot















Dr. Grumpy: "Where is the pain?"

Mr. Youngman: "In my left buttock."

Dr. Grumpy: "When did it start?"

Mr. Youngman: "When I married Mrs. Youngman."

Friday, June 1, 2012

Annie's desk

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mr. Ivac: "Yeah, I need the phone number for the infusion center."

Annie: "We don't have an infusion center at our office."

Mr. Ivac: "I KNOW THAT! I'm talking about the infusion center by Farfaraway Hospital. I need to check on my appointment."

Annie: "Did we refer you there?"

Mr. Ivac: "Hell no! I'm not even your patient! I see Dr. Darth."

Annie: "So why are you calling our office?"

Mr. Ivac: "Because I need the phone number for the infusion suite! Can't you look it up for me?"

Annie: "Okay, but..."

Mr. Ivac: "You people are wasting my time. I'm glad you're not my neurologist." (click)

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Negotiations

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Shakes: "Yeah, you saw me in the hospital last week, and said I had a seizure. So now I can't drive for a month."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes..."

Mr. Shakes "Well, I want to drive. You didn't see me have a seizure. So how do you know I had one?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Your wife and friends saw the episode, and described it as a seizure. You even had a second one in front of the paramedics. The description they all gave me was pretty consistent with one."

Mr. Shakes: "Look. I'm saying that I didn't have one. You need to go back and change the chart to say I had something else."

Dr. Grumpy: "I can't do that, sir."

Mr. Shakes: "Okay, what do you want? $100? $500? Name your price and I'll pay it. Just change the chart."

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Dear Groupon,


1. You need to retake biology. Either that or you've been watching too much daytime TV.

2. Generally emails selling a "meat package" get filtered out as spam. At least on my computer.

(click to enlarge)


 


Thank you, Brittany, for sending this in!

Lions and peacocks and needles OH MY!

My reader Jaime sent me some amazing pictures last week. She says they were in a brochure mailed to her pharmacy, from a vaccine company.

First we have this happy-looking lion, with hypodermic needles poking from his mane:
 

 




















Next we have this equally chipper peacock, with more syringes sticking out:























I personally find these kind of strange. I mean, they look like something from a children's book written by heroin junkies. Or ads for a REALLY off-Broadway "Lion King" production:


Scar: "Hey Simba, you want to share needles?"

Simba: "No, Uncle! The future king of Pride Rock knows better! Kids, remember to never share needles!"


I have NO CLUE what the artist was trying to say:

"Order our vaccines: They'll be delivered by friendly animals with uncapped needles pointing in random directions!"

"Our vaccines are super-hygienic. At least, as hygienic as they can be after being glued to wild animals."

"We take your health seriously. Our advertising, not-so-much."

"This was failed 1969 album cover artwork, and we bought the rights."

"Our ads make more sense after you've self-injected the syringe."

"Cute animals! Sharp objects! Bring the whole family!"

Thank you, Jamie!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

FORE!



This weekend was the annual Wirfliss Pharmaceutical Company golf tournament. And it resulted in me making an ER run.

The event consists of drug reps and sundry other marketing people from all over the area in a 1-day golf challenge. This usually involves (as do many golf activities) large amounts of alcohol.

So I got called to ER to see 2 guys who'd suffered head injuries.

They were reps from competing territories, who were assigned to the same foursome.

After several drinks and holes, they began arguing about who had the better sales figures. Which led to a confrontation. Between 2 inebriated, hypercompetitive guys. Both armed with golf clubs.

I'll warn Mary to stock up on Wirfliss samples. May be a while before our rep is back.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day reruns

The lawyer from South Dakota

On memorial day, veterans graves across the country are honored with wreaths and flags. But some veterans have no graves to honor, and can only be remembered.


Lieutenant Commander John C. Waldron, U.S.N.

He & his men changed the course of World War II in the Pacific, and didn't live to know it.

He was a lawyer, born in Fort Pierre, South Dakota. His father was descended from English settlers, his mother was a Sioux Indian.

He was married, with 2 daughters.

He was admitted to the state bar in South Dakota, but rather then going into practice decided to join the U.S. Navy. He was chosen to be a pilot, in the new field of naval aviation.

He trained to fly torpedo planes (no longer in use). Their goal was to fly close enough to an enemy ship to drop a torpedo into the water, then get away as fast as possible. This was a difficult job. It required the planes to fly in a low, straight line as they approached the enemy, making them easy targets for enemy fighters and anti-aircraft.

Waldron was a good pilot. He was chosen to teach at Annapolis, and later Pensacola. He flew planes off 1 battleship and 3 carriers.

He and his wife held parties for other pilots at their Norfolk home. He was very proud of his little girls. Some pilots remembered being taken to his daughters' darkened bedroom and asked "Did you guys ever see such pretty little girls?"

With war looming in the Summer of 1941, Waldron and his men were assigned to the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Hornet, in the Pacific theater.

He was determined. He once told his pilots that "if we run out of gas, we'll piss in the tanks." He wasn't looking for glory, or to become a martyr, or a hero. He was just doing his job.

On the morning of June 4, the Hornet was somewhere off Midway island, placed there to defend against the massive Japanese force sent to capture the Pacific base.

Waldron likely had few illusions about his chances. Although his men were well-trained, their "Devastator" torpedo bombers were already obsolete. The new "Avenger" planes were much better, but only beginning to roll out of the factories. And with the enemy coming, they had to make do with what they had. Before the battle he called his men together and said "If there is only one plane left to make a final run in, I want that man to go in and get a hit."

The Japanese "Zero" fighter was a lethal weapon. Though poorly protected, it was quicker and more maneuverable than its American counterparts. And it was flown by some of the best pilots in the world.

On the morning of June 4, 1942, Waldron led Torpedo Squadron 8 off the Hornet. He had orders to search for the Japanese in a specific area, but had a hunch (he called it his "Sioux intuition") that the heading he'd been told to follow was wrong. He disobeyed orders, and it turned out his intuition was correct.

Waldron led his 15 planes straight to the enemy fleet. Forced to fly straight & low to aim their torpedoes, they were sitting ducks as the Zeros swooped down and destroyed them one by one. Out of 30 men, there was only one survivor, Lt. George Gay. He saw Waldron stand up in his plane as it burst into flames, just before his own plane was shot out from under him. They didn't get a single hit.


The 15 pilots of Torpedo Squadron 8, photographed in May, 1942. Waldron is standing, 3rd from left. Lt. George Gay, (circled, 1st row) is the only man in the picture who survived.

In a few minutes all the planes of Torpedo Squadron 8 had vanished beneath the Pacific, leaving only Lieutenant Gay hiding from the Zeros under his flotation device. It was a disaster for the Americans.

But unbeknownst to all but Lt. Gay, they changed the course of the Pacific war.

The deadly Zeros were now at sea level, on the prowl for more torpedo planes. But the next American wave, this time of dive bombers, was high above. They might have been easy targets, too. But as they came down the Zeros were no longer in a position to defend their fleet, and couldn't gain altitude in time to stop the bombers. Between 10:20 and 10:25 a.m that morning the Japanese lost 3 of their 4 aircraft carriers to the bombers. The last carrier followed them a few hours later.

The loss of the four carriers, with their planes, pilots, and crews, was a blow the Japanese navy never recovered from. The war went on for 3 more years, but the tide was turned by the sacrifice of a group of men, led by a 41-year old lawyer from South Dakota.

A
ll my readers, no matter what country they're in, owe their freedom to soldiers in all military branches. So remember them today.


The fallen from Torpedo Squadron 8. Their only grave marker is the blue Pacific water.


Lt. Commander John C. Waldron
Lt. Raymond A. Moore
Lt. James C. Owens, Jr.
Lt.(jg) George M. Campbell
Lt.(jg) John P. Gray
Lt.(jg) Jeff D. Woodson
Ens.William W. Abercrombie
Ens. William W. Creamer
Ens. Harold J. Ellison
Ens. William R. Evans
Ens. Henry R. Kenyun
Ens. Ulvert M. Moore
Ens. Grant W. Teats
Robert B. Miles, Aviation Pilot 1c
Horace F. Dobbs, Chief Radioman
Amelio Maffei, Radioman 1
Tom H. Pettry, Radioman 1
Otway D. Creasy, Jr. Radioman 2
Ross H. Bibb, Jr., Radioman 2
Darwin L. Clark, Radioman 2
Ronald J. Fisher, Radioman 2
Hollis Martin, Radioman 2
Bernerd P. Phelps Radioman 2
Aswell L. Picou, Seaman 2
Francis S. Polston, Seaman 2
Max A. Calkins, Radioman 3
George A. Field, Radioman 3
Robert K. Huntington Radioman 3
William F. Sawhill, Radioman 3

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Random Sunday pictures

I'm used to people trying to get a better parking space by pretending to be a doctor, but it must be a lot trickier to impersonate a museum.






Next we have this lawyer, who has an interesting moonlighting job (sort of like Hannah Montana, I guess):
















And then this fortune, which could mean, uh, a lot of things...




And, lastly, a reader from Sydney, Australia took this picture in a local grocery store to show how widespread the artisanal bullshit is. I'm unclear as to whether it's the bag, or the bread, or both that are artisanal. For that matter, the idea of "armored bread" is pretty strange.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

Memories...

His name was Feldman. He belonged to our temple when I was growing up.

Feldman was the most boring guy in the world. Anonymous desk job. Anonymous life. One of these guys who was always on some boring temple committee (I still don't understand people who live to be on committees- temple, church, hospital, whatever).

Like these people do, he eventually became temple president one year. As such he was the guy who traditionally makes a few announcements during the high holiday service on Yom Kippur.

Sadly, taking the podium that day, with an insanely bored reform congregation full of 1-day-a-year-Jews, was the highlight of Feldman's life. He wasn't going to let it go. And we'd all been sitting there for 3 hours (there's a reason we were reform - make the services REALLY short, so we can go out for bacon cheeseburgers afterwards).

He was supposed to make a few generic announcements: "The children's service starts at 9:00 tomorrow morning. Thank you to Irma Goldblat for stacking the prayer books. Remember to put your yarmulkes in the bin on the right as you leave."

But that wasn't good enough for Feldman. This was his lifetime ambition 5 minutes in the spotlight, and he'd prepared a fucking speech. Not even a good speech. Just a boring-as-hell speech in which he thanked EVERY FUCKING PERSON on EVERY FUCKING COMMITTEE by name. And the lady who did payroll in the office. And the guy who set up the chairs. And the guy who was going to put away the chairs. And the people bringing food to the children's service. And the lady who made the lovely cake for the Silverman Bat Mitzvah. And it went ON AND ON AND ON.

As he passed the 30 minute mark of this insanity, my mother's friend Corkie, seated toward the back of the auditorium, said LOUDLY, "You have to wonder what he's like in bed!"

Feldman stopped. Then walked off as the congregation fell into hysterics.

The Rabbi needed another 10 minutes before he could coherently say the closing prayer.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Eloquence

Mrs. Downer: "I feel so bad. I'm just bad. I know how bad off I am. Am I really that bad?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No."

Mrs. Downer: "Oh, that's good."

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Some things just go great together





















Thank you, Sheila!

The bag lady



Mrs. Gift is a sweet lady who always brings a small present for my staff and I. It's usually a little paper bag filled with something like a few dipped strawberries, or some chocolates, or other candies. I generally turn it over to Mary to put in the break room.

Yesterday she started the appointment off as usual by handing me a little paper bag. I thanked her, and we had our visit.

Afterwards I gave it to Mary. She took it to the back, and opened it.

It contained a PBJ sandwich, a banana, and a bag of chips.

Mrs. Gift came back an hour later, looking for her lunch in exchange for a bag of lollipops.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Huh?

Dr. Grumpy: "How are things at home? Didn't you get married last year?"

Mrs. Taylor: "Okay. This one is an okay marriage. I've had several that were happier, but certainly quite a few that were worse, too."

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Zoo. To go.

"No officer, the parrot was driving. Talk to him."

Thank you, Grant!

Monday with Mary's voice mail

"Hi, I'm looking for a neurologist who treats symptoms caused by electromagnetic force fields, such as those given off by cell phones, WiFi transmitters, hearing aids, and computers. These things are prevalent in our society, and are making me and my friends all sick. We need someone who can treat us for brain and nerve damage from their radiation, and who could also help us file a mass lawsuit against all cell phone, computer, and hearing aid users. Thank you."

Monday, May 21, 2012

We're talking serious Haldol. And 4-point leathers

Gee, why do I suspect drugs were involved?

Thank you, Tanya!

More hairs leap off

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Mike, it's Ibee."

Dr. Brilliant: "Yes, what can I do for you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I sent Mr. Jones to you - you saw him earlier today - for a second opinion on his weird muscle disease. What did you think?"

Dr. Brilliant: "I'd like to know what his EMG showed."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well..."

Dr. Brilliant: "You know, I don't mind doing second opinions. But it's not helpful when you don't send all the information with the patient."

Dr. Grumpy: "Because..."

Dr. Brilliant: "I cannot help the patient without the test results. Could you have your staff send the EMG to me?

Dr. Grumpy: "YOU DID THE EMG YOURSELF! 2 weeks ago! I sent him to you for the test!" 

(long pause)

Dr. Brilliant: "Let me get back to you."

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Irony

Yesterday at a birthday party I was sitting on a park bench near 2 young mothers at a picnic table. Both were covered with tattoos. And I overheard this:

Mom 1: "Did you hear Jessica got breast implants?"

Mom 2: "No! That's just wrong. Why would anyone do something like that to change their body?"

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Saturday

Due to a bunch of kid activities today, I'm just posting this for your entertainment.

 

Friday, May 18, 2012

Mary's Desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Sleaze: "Yes, I need to speak to Dr. Grumpy immediately."

Mary: "Who is this?"

Ms. Sleaze: "You have some nerve to ask me that! This is Ima Sleaze, and I'm calling him on a personal matter about him being a homeowner."

Mary: "Okay, I can give him a message, but he's with a patient. If this is a sales call I can tell you he won't return it."

Ms. Sleaze: "THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MATTER FOR ALL HOMEOWNERS! You can tell him that Suzy Patient referred me to him. I know he'll get on the phone right now."

Mary: "I'm not going to interrupt him with a patient. If you want to leave me your phone number, I'll give him the message."

Ms. Sleaze: "He'll fire you for not putting me through, and you'll have only yourself to blame."

(click)

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Thursday evening rambling

Sitting here, listening to Donna Summer on iTunes.

Disco was, for the most part, not one of music's greatest genres.

But Donna Summer was something special. I was 12 years old (what's called a "tween" today) when she hit the big time.

She had an incredible voice, and used it with style. Songs that no one else could carry she could. She put energy into the music. Cover versions just don't do them justice the way her pipes did. Even while "MacArthur Park" (which she didn't write- she did a cover of an older song) had some, uh, unusual lyrics, she still made them come alive in a way that blew the original away.

"Hot Stuff" was the first 45 rpm single I remember buying. I took it home and listened to it repeatedly. Certainly not philosophical stuff, but at an age when you were first trying to figure out girls, the music was PERFECT to just get up and boogie at the 7th & 8th grade dance (6:30 to 9:30, 1st Friday of each month, in the school cafeteria). It gave you courage to ask a girl to dance, and hope she didn't notice your braces.

On a side note, the first time I ever danced with a girl was when SHE asked me. Her name was Amy, and I was sitting on a table, trying to figure the whole thing out. She came out of nowhere, grabbed my hands, and pulled me out on the floor. I guess she didn't ask me at all, just said "Come on!" and pulled my arms out of their sockets.

The only disco on my iTunes has always been Donna Summer's greatest hits. Last year, when my wife gave me an LP/cassette-to-digital converter, I dug out the ancient "Hot Stuff" single and digitalized it.

Yeah, the CD music version is clearer, but hearing my original vinyl 45 again, with the scratchy needle sound, means more to me. It's the version that's still embedded deep in my brain, taking me back to the school dance.

Thank you, Donna.






Wednesday night, 11:23 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mrs. Dword: "Yeah, I saw you a year or so ago for my pain issues, and they're pretty bad now. I'm in Farfaraway Hospital ER."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, I'll let the doctor there handle it. I don't have privileges there."

Mrs. Dword: "I want you to tell them to give me another ER doctor. This one isn't giving me any of the good pain medicines I keep asking for."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good night."

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Speeding. Drunk Driving. Racing through a construction zone.

But hey, it's for a good cause!


Thank you, Lee!

Of course, morons are everywhere.

 
 
Locations of visitors to this page