Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunday night. 11:35 p.m.
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"I know the waiters there spit in my food, because they don't like people who just eat salads. I told the waiter that I had special powder I'd sprinkle in my salad to show traces of saliva, so he better not try it. But now I'm afraid to go anywhere else, because the food servers throughout the country are conspiring against me. They've hired a chemist to find ways to make it so that their spit doesn't show up with my special powder, and my powder doesn't work now. I know they're still secretly spitting in all my food, so I need to hire someone to make me a new powder that will detect their invisible saliva. Does Dr. Grumpy do this sort of thing? Please call me back in the morning."
A Blog detailing the insanity of my medical practice and the stupidity of everyday life.
Welcome to my whining!
This blog is entirely for entertainment purposes. All posts about patients, or my everyday life, or anything else may be fictional, or be my experience, or were submitted by a reader, or any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate. I could be making all this up. I may not even be a doctor. The only true statement on here is that I probably drink more Diet Coke than you do. A lot more.
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Twitter fans- you can follow me @docgrumpy
Cast of Characters:
Annie: My Phenomenal MA
Mary: My Awesome Secretary
Ed: The office fish
Dr. Pissy: The guy I share an office with
Mrs. Grumpy: My Boss (also the world's greatest school nurse)
Frank, Craig, and Marie: The Grumpy Tribe
Garlic and Riley: The Grumpy Dogs
Questions? Comments? Biting sarcasm? Write to: pagingdrgrumpy [at] gmail [dot] com
Note: I do not answer medical questions. If you are having a medical issue, see your own doctor. For all you know I'm really a Mongolian yak herder and have no medical training at all except in issues regarding the care and feeding of Mongolian yaks.
Cast of Characters:
Annie: My Phenomenal MA
Mary: My Awesome Secretary
Ed: The office fish
Dr. Pissy: The guy I share an office with
Mrs. Grumpy: My Boss (also the world's greatest school nurse)
Frank, Craig, and Marie: The Grumpy Tribe
Garlic and Riley: The Grumpy Dogs
Questions? Comments? Biting sarcasm? Write to: pagingdrgrumpy [at] gmail [dot] com
Note: I do not answer medical questions. If you are having a medical issue, see your own doctor. For all you know I'm really a Mongolian yak herder and have no medical training at all except in issues regarding the care and feeding of Mongolian yaks.
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July
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- Sunday night. 11:35 p.m.
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- Ways you don't want your body found
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July
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32 comments:
if said patron would tip 25% or 30% for just eating a salad, the special powder will work again!
Awww. Poor delusional person.
Can't make you a powder, but can give you a special red pill to make the need for the powder go away...
Time to start making your own salads!
Gotta love paranoia
No Dr. Grumpy doesn't do these things, but let me recommend someone--and don't be put off.
At which point you give the name of the Dr. who called about your screaming paitent a couple of weeks ago.
Hehehe.... Revenge is a dish best served cold, not unlike a salad.
i've got a powder for this guy
I was going to suggest relabeling a jar of bacon bits from the grocery store and dispensing them to her at a healthy markup. But Packer's idea is golden. Have to tell her that his front office people will deny knowledge of it and try to keep the magic powder for themselves,, so she should say she has migraines when making the appt
Please call him back so he doesn't call me. Thanks.
Poor guy. He sounds like one of my clients, a schizophrenic who occasionally stops taking his meds and goes off the rails.
That's what happens when you use too much special powder.
I'm with Packer...
Someone forgot to take her haldol this morning.
well, according to this post, Mary has terrible powers too.
"Also, I think they spit in my food because I never tip. But why should I tip if I know they're going to spit in my food?"
Is reality is a delusion caused by olanzapine deficiency?
Is the powder artisanal?
Hold on a sec...waiterspit is already artisanal.
Problem solved in a holistic, sustainable way!
Wouldn't it be simpler just to go to a self-service salad bar?
"But don't call me back on the lamp, because it's bugged. Call me on the vacuum cleaner."
"It's gotten a lot harder to detect since restaurant workers in Grumpytown were banned from chewing or dipping on the job."
"Oh, and can you make the powder ranch-flavored?"
powdered haldol. put it on the salad, and he'll no longer feel like the waiters are spitting on it.
I think that's my ex. Please save yourself and don't call him back.
Dear Paranoid Person:
Dine somewhere that has a salad bar.
Geez... is it so hard to MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN SALAD?
take some confectioner's sugar.
place in generic plastic container readily available.
give to pt.
report that the container will kill the "powers" if they tell.
laugh maniacally.
Alternatively, refer to the annoying doc like packer said, and to say the password "i have migraines". tell them that if they still won't share the powder, that maybe they are the ones paying the waiters to spit on the food, and also the docs that engineered the powder proof spit.
Aren't you glad you weren't awake to take this in real-time?
I feel sorry about this patient. It's not going to get better without a crisis or someone starts taking the prescribed olanzapine, or quetiapine, or clozapine, or aripiprazole, or whatever. And, it may've been a choice between insatiable hunger and gaining 75 lbs, or sleeping 20 hours of the day, or torticollis, or drug-induced parkinsonianisms... .
I mean, if a person had high blood pressure, it would be a bit of inconvenience to have to take a regular BP, or have edema show up after a meal of chips and dips, or the constant cough, cough or falling down if getting up too fast out of bed, but these are a bunch of rather benign alternatives.
People STARE when you start catching flies like a frog!!
I don't know which is worse, that this person is sick or that others find it hilarious.
I don't find it hilarious. I find it very sad. Maybe they could find someone to dine with, who could order their salad for them?
It isn't funny. It's a miserable way for that woman to live. But her family, friends, and caregivers have to laugh at the absurdity to keep themselves sane. I'm positive Grumpy and Mary would be the epitomy of professional, compassionate care with this woman. But dang, they're human too!
My code word is lo-sal- think the waiters are talking to me in code?
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
No where does this say that we must understand every single nut in the bunch.
P
Offer invisible powder to show the invisible saliva.
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