Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Convalescense

Yesterday, you may have noticed my posts ended early. This is because Dr. Grumpy was temporarily rendered into a barfing idiot by the evil pukingfeverachingholyfuckIfeellikeshit virus.

It started in mid-morning. I tried to stay at work, but just couldn't.

I had Mary reschedule the patients (which I HATE doing). I could barely think, or stay out of the bathroom (if you're part of the night staff that cleans my office, I'm really sorry I did that in my trash can). I had to get home.

Fortunately I live near my office. The kids were in school. So I thought I'd be able to rest and be sick alone for the day.

Fat chance.

I opened the door and...


Snowball: The people! The Master is home! He's home early! Ohboyohboyohboy!!!

Cooper: I am so happy! The Master! I must bring him something to welcome him! Here are Craig's underwear with skidmarks for you, Master! I found them in the laundry pile!

Blackdog: Stay away from him, you bozos. He smells bad.

Cooper: No! It's him! We must bounce in front of him to have him pet us! He loves it!

Snowball: Ohboyohboyohboy!


I grabbed a big tupperware bowl and collapsed onto my bed...


Blackdog: I'm going to stay in the hall. He doesn't look right.

Snowball: He's lying down! He's wants to play! He wants me to jump on the bed and bounce on his stomach!

Cooper: Play! Play! Play!

Snowball: Look! He's filling the plastic bowl up with semi-digested food!

Cooper: Wow! Just for us! I love the Master!

Blackdog: I wouldn't touch that. It smells like Diet Coke and Corn Flakes.


I doze off...


Cooper: The Master doesn't look happy.

Blackdog: No shit. Leave him alone.

Snowball: No! We need to cheer him up!

Cooper: I know! We must bring him gifts to make him happy! Come help me knock over the laundry basket full of wonderful-smelling sweaty clothes!

Snowball: Great idea!

Cooper: See! Look at them all over the floor! He will be so happy! Now let's bring all of them and put them next to the bed for him to see!

Snowball: Hey! A tennis ball! I'll bring that, too!

Cooper: Yes! I'll move the clothes and you bring more tennis balls!

Blackdog: Dipshits.


I woke up, desperately needing to barf. I got up to run to the bathroom...


Cooper: The Master is awake! He is jumping out of bed!

Snowball: Yes. He is running... and tripped over the big pile of smelly clothes!

Cooper: Look! He's lying on the floor now! He must want to play!

Blackdog: I don't think so.

Snowball: I'm going to jump on his back! Ohboyohboyohboy!

Cooper: He's running to the bathroom again! I'll jump in front of him to play!


Exhausted, I somehow made it back to the bed and fell asleep again...


Blackdog: Alert! There is a man at the mailbox! We must let the Master know!

Cooper: Yes! Make noise! Everyone! We must warn him!

Snowball: Yes! Now! Lots of loud noise! I'll jump up on the bed next to him to bark, to make sure he hears me!


I'm SO glad to feel better, so I can be back at the office today. It's comparatively relaxing.

50 comments:

Ashley said...

Am sorry you had that virus, Dr. Grumpy, but I have to say, you surpass the writers of 'Up" in your perfect interpretation of Dog Thought

NurseExec said...

I'm so sorry you had the nasty stomach bug, but I had to laugh reading this. It sounded just like my stable of pets when I was home recovering from my recent surgery. They just did NOT get it. It truly is all about them, isn't it?

Vivian said...

I love your dogs, they have adorable personalities. I have two dogs and can totally tell they have completely different personalities and thoughts, too.

It's always nice and refreshing to see you're the kind of person who sees the humour in such an awful situation. :) One more reason to love your blog.

Hope yesterday was the worst of it and now it's all about getting better.

Julie said...

lol

glad to hear you're well enough to be back in the office :)

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness! I'm sorry you were sick, but this is very very funny. I am smiling! I spend my day with 12-18 yr. olds trying to teach them to sing. This definetly was a great starter to my day. Have a great day!

Gen said...

Ugh! I feel so bad for you. I hate being sick like that. In fact, I'd sooner endure the unmedicated births of my children back to back, than experience a bout of stomach flu.

Glasd you're feeling better!

slackergirl said...

That is why I advocate crating dogs when you're not home (or sick). I'm a vet.

The Good Cook said...

Now that's a funny post!

One word: Crate.

The RPh said...

Yeah, I might have had to lock the dogs in the guest bathroom, or laundry room, etc. I had that same virus a few weeks ago and was DONE! I couldn't even pick up my 18 mon old! Glad you're feeling better!

Chris said...

That's the worst, coming home from work, sick as a dog (pun fully intended), and your dogs are at the door, so excited to see you. We have 2 dogs - a basset hound, who will generally leave you alone so she can sleep on the couch all day, and a 160 lb English mastiff - who, as soon as you lie down on the bed, will heave herself up there with you and throw herself partially ON you, thereby pinning you to the bed. Once she's down, there is NO moving her, so you had better have everything you need right there with you. Oh, the basset? Will get up to come in the bathroom with you - she must see exacty WHAT you are doing in there. Swell.

Capt. Schmoe said...

So, was that the large tupperware bowl Mrs. Grumpy uses to make potato salad in?

Not that it matters to me personally, but I'll bet some of your relatives would like to know.

Hope your recovery continues.

Karen W said...

Sorry you were sick, but thanks for the laugh!

The Mother said...

Giggles.

Crates. I highly recommend crates.

Molly said...

I could have sworn you have bearded collies based on this post - sounds just like my herd!!!

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Molly- Blackdog is a collie-mix.

Cooper is a Shih-Tzu.

Snowball is a Lhasa-Poo.

Moose said...

Poor Dr Grumpy. Glad you're feeling better, and that you were too sick to have the energy to murder the overenthusiastic pups :-).

ERP said...

That is f'ing hilarious. My dog acts similarly when I am trying to nap after an overnight shift.
Glad you are better today.

Old MD Girl said...

That's so funny and so true. Glad you're feeling better now.

Layne said...

I heart Blackdog.

Anonymous said...

Exactly why I don't like dogs. Even when I'm not sick. (Sorry, everyone)

Anonymous said...

This is why I have cats. They're too dignified to display anything remotely like what you described.

Glad you are feeling better and thank you so much for the belly laughs. You made my day!

Amanda said...

It is a testament to your amazing blogging skill that you can creatively write about barf.

I laugh loudly every time I read your blog.

Also, I'm glad you're feeling better. :)

Jennifer George said...

Squirrel!

Flavius said...

Hahaha, so I think I have Cooper and Snowball, now I just need Blackdog to complete the trifecta. The worst is the incessant barking when they think someone is walking down the street.

It's so worth it though when they finally calm down and snuggle up next to you, you're just surrounded by all that love and tranquility. Makes the jumping and barking trivial :)

-Flavius
PS: Please do get better, but until then, please keep having more funny encounters ^.^

Albinoblackbear said...

Hope you're back in the saddle today Grump!

I hate having one of my procrastinaton enablers down for the count.

:P

Anonymous said...

Wishing you a speedy recovery!

barbara said...

You should write children stories

Anonymous said...

A cat will either ignore you or show you sympathy

Queen of Crafts, Current Events, and Such. said...

Black Dog...obviously the sensible one of the bunch...seems thoughtful. The other 2 not so much.

Life in vet school said...

This was probably the only funny GI-virus story I have ever read. That was the hardest I've laughed in days!

When I was a teenager, we had a shepherd mix who used to bark at the mailman. But he would park his truck in view of our house, and spend the next hour or two making the rounds, and she would bark THE ENTIRE TIME. It was maddening.

Glad you're feeling better!

John Woolman said...

i thought health care professionals were supposed to avoid patient contact for 48 hours after symptoms resolved... And I would probably ignore that advice too. Perhaps the guys who sent you the questionaire asking if you always wash your hands after every patient contact were prescient. Alcohol gel hand rub was made for this.

Loki said...

I haven't laughed this hard in months.

Fuckin a' man. At least your suffering has provided some literary genius.!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad we have cats,not dogs.SO GLAD.(can be sick
in peace)

kathleen said...

maybe if you hadn't named him snowball?

Texas Pharmacy Chica said...

I'm happy you are better.

If I didn't have 3 kids terrorizing my home, I'd volunteer to adopt Black Dog.

@Rph - been there - and thrown up in the pharmacy twice. I rather effectively de-HIPAA-rized those documents......

Miss Kismet said...

Yeah, the most my cat does is snore and barf on the floor.

When I was a kid, we had a dog that I SWEAR was retarded...mentally challenged for the PC folks. He chased cars even after we put a shock collar on him, he rolled in anything dead he could find, and ate everything not bolted down. He ate a huge coffee can of crayons once....the rainbow-speckled shit in our yard was amusing :). He was sweet aside from his obvious mental issues, and lived until he was 10 or so when he ate the dead thing he rolled in. Even though he was a sweetheart, he ruined the dog experience for me and I haven't had a dog since. This just reinforced my decision :)

RehabNurse said...

Grumpy:

Oh, my, the gods of barfitis must have been loosed from the bowels of Hades yesterday...pardon the pun.

My own darling Bubba was beset with barfiness immediately after school and the poor dear was sick all night, including right after he went to sleep.

He woke up fit as a fiddle today and was quite happy to stay with Dad all day, playing outside in the sunshine and shooting soccer balls.

A weird, but wonderful (at least for some of us) 24 hours.

Bored Mum said...

Cooper and Blackdog sound very much like my 2 dogs.

I hope you don't mind, but I am going to link this post onto my dog blog.

Anonymous said...

cats

A Doc 2 Be said...

I'm so sorry I missed this - oh God, when you retire from neuro, do stand up!

Anonymous said...

Snowball reminds me of that dog from Up!

A Doc 2 Be said...

Priceless!!!

Flo Nightengale said...

I think Blackdog is soooo much smarter than the other two.

Kat's Meow said...

I was laughing so hard reading this! I can kind of feel your pain, Tuesday when I got home I wasn't feeling well and apparently neither was my big dog Keno. My German Shepard Boxer mix left me a present in his kennell, ok no big deal he is feeling sick too...however with me feeling sick I could barely deal with it but I cleaned it up and called it a night. Yesterday, I got home early, still being sick and my poodles were so excited to see me, jumping the same way, I got up into bed to lay down and here comes my big dog, with projectile water (whatever else he ate that morning that was not necissarily edible)vomit, then he came back for another good luck projectile vomit. By the time I was done, I wanted to throw up, but decided to fall asleep! You made my afternoon!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you were sick, but i dont think i've laughed that hard at a blog.. ever!! glad you are well master.

Aura said...

My dog uses even more exclamation marks than your dogs. He's a blue heeler if that explains it.

He has those tan colour circle eyebrows and omg they are so expressive. They make him look worried sometimes when he moves them independently (one eyebrow up, the other one down and then swaps....then repeat a few times.)

Taryn said...

Just found your blog! This was hilarious, although I am sorry you were so sick. I look forward to reading more......

Fiz said...

I lost you when I changed ISP providers! You just made me laugh until I was nearly sick! You know they love you really!

SBG23 said...

Notice that the dog that weighs more than 30lbs is the smartest....

Val said...

I'm glad you got better quickly. I'm laughing so much, I wouldn't want to linger on too many posts like this. As it is, I've been glued to your blog for quite. a. long. time. (Or quite-a-long-time, in case you didn't like the previous format).

Your blog is now in my feed reader which means I shall visit often. Sorry about that.
*grins*

 
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