Thursday, July 2, 2009

Tips for Patients

When asked "What brings you to see me?" the following answers are NOT acceptable, helpful, or desired:

1: "A car" (or bike, bus, or other method of transportation).

2: "My PCP said I should see you."

3: "My daughter drove me."

4. "The hospital sent me."

5. "My medical problems"

6. "The guy at the grocery store told me I should see a neurologist"

7. "Your name is on the referral".

8. "What kind of doctor are you?"

9: "I need a refill on the white pills with numbers on them"

10. "You were on my insurance plan."


ndenunz said...

Or, from the males, "My wife/daughter told me I need to see a doctor."

Anonymous said...

My fav?

'I dunno.'

scarlett said...

i like the car answer. Walmart has diet cokes for 3.98 a 24 pack. I just bought way too many and thought you should know.

knitalot3 said...

The nurse already wrote it all down....


Anonymous said...

"my prostate is getting too big"

How many patients make neurologist appointments when the doctor they really want to see has no "ne..." in the word?

Grumpy, M.D. said...

I get that too.

The misguided urology patients do come in, but their's an endocrinologist in my town, also named Dr. Grumpy, and I get A LOT of his calls, reports, refills, etc. And I suspect he gets mine, too.

Amanda said...

#10 while not helpful - is an expression of frustration and nerves. Insurance companies are a blessing and curse. We live on the Kenai Peninsula in Alaska, and all companies use air miles to determine how close a doctor is to my house. Regardless of the fact that it takes us 2 1/2 hours to drive to Anchorage it's still 60 air miles.

Filet-o-bitch RPh said...

Or, "do you subscribe Vicodins and percocets? How about seconal?"

ha ha

Anonymous said...

When my mom used to see her neurosurgeon, she'd pull this one,

"I don't know, my idiot daughters brought me here."

That was right after the doctor had put a Harrington Rod in her neck, and she was in a Halo Brace.

Insert the the sound of me banging my head against the exam room sink.

And no, she didn't have dementia, mom just wanted to be a PITA

LD/50 Rat

Aura said...

Well, they are taking you literally which is obviously a sign of many of the disorders that bring patients to you. So, by their answer, they are actually giving you a lot of information!

But you knew that so I'll let you get on with the vent now... *creeps away*

Filet-o-bitch RPh said...

This is what I've endured for 2 days now:

Bitchfest Thurs b/c everyone thought we were closing for 3 days for the holiday...I wish.

Everyone and their momma wanted an emergency supply of their maintenance meds, hemorrhoid cream and birth control since we might "close" on the 4th. Was the world supposed to end on the 4th? I guess I did not get the memo.

Panic b/c some MD's offices were closed and "who will OK my vicodin refill? I mean-it is the HOLIDAY". No, it is 2 days before the holiday you hillbilly.

WTF is playing on the intercom system? 45 versions of the star spangled banner? One on in Spanish?


Shalom said...

Re: "What brought you here?"

There was a doctor back in the 50s who helped pay his way through medical school with a comedy LP about medical school. Non-medical people probably wouldn't get most of the humor, but he did include one song called "Hospitality Blues", about a hick's visit to the hospital for back pain, which even laymen can understand, esp. if they've ever been to a hospital (although the term "lumbago" is deprecated nowadays). It included the line: "He asked what brought you here, I said my '35 Ford."

I used this line all the time. I went to pharmacy school in Buffalo, NY, and when someone would say "So what brought you to our fine city?" or words to that effect, my stock answer was "Would you believe a '79 Cadillac?" (n.b. this was 1993 and the said Caddy had 200,000+ miles on it, I couldn't have afforded a new one...)

The LP's worth tracking down, if you can find it, and have a working turntable. "Laugh a spell with Doug Harrell" was the title.

Anonymous said...

oh, just look in the computer. all my records are there.

WarmSocks said...

I can see where some of those would be aggravating. OTOH, that works both ways. When my doctor has written the reason I'm being sent to you on the referral slip, I've completed a multi-page questionnaire for your office, I give you a copy of the EMG/NCV results from the electrodiagnostician, and you also have a copy of my recent lab work, I think you should already have a clue as to why I'm there.

Unknown said...

Or, one of my personal favorites:

"I came from Dr. X, didn't (s)he write it in the letter (sometimes there is no letter at all, when there is, it's just a very short version of why they're sending the patient), do I really have to tell it all over AGAIN??"

Unfortunately, yes, sometimes I wish there was an exam in psychiatry as well.

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