Sunday, June 28, 2015

Holiday road

Taking a week off to visit relatives. Will be back next week, sometime.

Friday, June 26, 2015


Seen at Wal-Mart:

"Boy, that was a clumsy Mohel."

Thank you, Dave!

Sorry for the lack of inspired writing recently, kids are on Summer Vacation and I'm swamped with them.

Thursday, June 25, 2015


Mr. Rerun: "I had another migraine yesterday."

Dr.  Grumpy: "Did the medication help?"

Mr. Rerun: "I didn't take it. I don't think I need anything."

6 weeks later

Dr. Grumpy: "What brings you in today?"

Mr. Rerun: "I woke up last with a migraine. It was awful."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, next time it occurs, why don't you try taking..."

Mr. Rerun: "No, I don't want to take anything right now."

8 weeks later

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up? You asked Mary to work you in today?"

Mr. Rerun: "Yeah, thanks for seeing me. I was in ER yesterday for a terrible migraine."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry. Let's have you try..."

Mr. Rerun: "I don't want any medication, I just thought you should know about it."

3 weeks later

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Rerun: "Hi, sorry to wake you up, but I'm having a bad migraine. I thought I should tell you."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you want me to call anything in?"

Mr. Rerun: "No, I just wanted to give you an update."

5 weeks later

Dr. Grumpy: "How are things going?"

Mr. Rerun: "I had a migraine over the weekend. I spent the whole time in bed."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why don't you let me prescribe something?"

Mr. Rerun: "No, I don't want any medication, but since you're my doctor I thought you should know what's going on."

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Seen in a chart

Whatever that is...  I don't want it.


Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Reading material

Mrs. Complain, I'm sorry You don't like our lobby magazine selection. Maybe you should hang out at this doc's office instead:

Thank you, K!

Monday, June 22, 2015

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Angry: "Hi, I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, let me get my schedule up... What insurance do you have?"

Mr. Angry: "Health Security, Inc."

Mary: "Hmmm, hang on. I've never heard of that one, let me get my list out."


Mary: "I'm sorry, it's just not one I've gotten a lot of calls on. Let me just look through my list of companies we're contracted with and..."

Mr. Angry: "The hell with you people. I could drop dead while you're looking at your list."


Friday, June 19, 2015

Overheard at the store

"Did you see her? She looks at least 3-4 weeks pregnant."

Thursday, June 18, 2015


Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, these headaches you've recently had sound like migraines. I'm not convinced they're from a sports concussion 15 years ago."

Mr. Macho: "Of course they're related. It's post-concussion syndrome! You see it on the news everyday. I didn't have headaches before my concussion."

Dr. Grumpy: "But your concussion was 15 years ago, and your migraines started in the last 6 months."

Mr. Macho: "Stop saying they're migraines! I don't have migraines! Migraines are for women!"

Dr. Grumpy: "That's not true, sir. Guys get migraines, too. I have migraines."

Mr. Macho: "Then you're a pussy!"

(walks out of my office)

Wednesday, June 17, 2015


I get out of my car and walk down the driveway to the mailbox. As I'm glancing through the usual pile of bills & junk there, I hear the door open behind me and Frank comes out talking. It's his usual random word salad about video games until he sees me at the box.

Frank: "Those 2 video games I ordered from Amazon came in today's mail. I've been inside playing them."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's good... They were in today's mail?"

Frank: "Yeah, I checked when I get home. I've been waiting for them."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then why didn't you bring in the rest of the mail when you did that?"

Frank: "It wasn't addressed to me."

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Medieval whatever

Lady Ophelia: "The headaches keep getting worse. I think I need that scan, Magnetic Renaissance Imaging."

Doctor Grumpy: "It's actually Magnetic Resonance Imaging, or MRI."

Lady Ophelia: "Whatever."

Monday, June 15, 2015


In another doc's hospital note:

Honestly, if you're typing such horseshit as a standard part of every note, you're full of crap. Especially since I've been watching you round on this floor for the past hour. You're by yourself. And most of the time you're only putting 1 foot in a patient's room, anyway.

How much extra are you charging the insurance for writing that (or, more likely, cut & paste) in your note?

Friday, June 12, 2015

It's always an accident

Thank you, Tab!

Thursday, June 11, 2015


"Who's the U-Boat Commander?"

As part of a mid-life crisis a few years back, Dr. Pissy bought a Porsche. This is not an uncommon event in males. His wife wasn't exactly thrilled about it (also not uncommon).

About a year later, she went out of town for 2 weeks to visit family. Pissy stayed here.

And did something his wife would never have allowed: entered himself in a local Porsche club's monthly race at the Grumpyville Speedway. He'd always wanted to do that, and he figured that, like a wild teenager, this was the best weekend to do it.

He had a lot of fun until the 4th lap of the 3rd race... when he blew up the engine to the tune of several thousand dollars. The car was towed off to DeutschenSprockets repair shop.

Then the fun began. Like Joel Goodson, Pissy had to have the Porsche working again before the authorities returned home. So each office day involved him calling the repair place - several times - to frantically check on how things were going. He paid extra to have the work expedited over other owners. At one point, when a certain part would take 3 days to have shipped, he called the distributor himself to arrange (and pay more for) overnight delivery.

He got the car back a few hours before her flight landed, and even took it to pick her up from the airport. On the way home they ordered take-out, and he went into the restaurant to get their order.

She looked for her sunglasses in the glove compartment, and found the repair bill.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015


Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Amyloid: "Hi, I just saw a TV commercial for Noforget, and want to take it."

Annie: "Okay, let me look at your chart... you are taking it."

Mrs. Amyloid: "I am? I didn't know I take any pills."

Annie (sighs): "Yes, your husband gives them to you each day. He reviewed them with Dr. Grumpy at your appointment last week."

Mrs. Amyloid: "My husband sees Dr. Grumpy? Should I make an appointment, too?"

Annie: "No, you're okay. Your husband is handling it all, so you don't need to."

Mrs. Amyloid: "What's Noforget used for, anyway?"

Annie: "Memory problems."

Mrs. Amyloid: "Do I have those?"

Annie: "Yes."

Mrs. Amyloid: "Nobody told me that. Why did you call me, anyway?"

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Willows and poppies

So, last night I was doing a market research survey on stroke treatments.

Sandwiched between a question on the efficacy of anti-platelet agents and another on their safety profiles was this:

I'm not sure if this falls under the "IT guy screwed up" or "let's see if you're paying attention" categories.

Monday, June 8, 2015


Later this week, Marie is leaving for Camp Wannahockaloogie to further enhance her skills at pick-pocketing, breaking & entering, and car theft.

Over the weekend I received this email from the camp:

Friday, June 5, 2015

Random pictures

Okay, time to hit the mailbag for some shots you guys have sent in.

First is this bizarre placement for a Hall's cough drop ad:

"Endorsed by Linda Lovelace."

Next is a bit of jealousy. While drug reps haven't been able to give really cool pens to us human-specializing doctors since 2009, my colleagues in veterinary medicine still get them. Like this:

Then there's this supreme plaque seen at the Toledo Zoo:

"Courts have scales, fish have scales.. Is that it?"

Here's the last word in 1-stop shopping (okay, 2nd-to-last-word. The last word would be booze).

And then there's this screen pic, which really gives you confidence in the IT guy.

Years after it was run, it's still hard not to love this awesome ad for an antipsychotic drug.

"I think the tie is scarier than the cane."

And, lastly, from the "check out our website" department.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

"Are you allergic to 10W40?"

Dr. Grumpy: "What medications do you take?"

Mr. Ford: "I have a list here, hang on..."

(takes a folded piece of paper out of his wallet and hands it to me)

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

One out of three

Mrs. One: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, this is Mary, from Dr. Grumpy's office. I'm just calling to remind you of your appointment tomorrow at 8:45."

Mrs. One: "It's on my calendar. I'm quite aware of it. I'm an adult, you know, and you don't need to bother me with such condescending behavior. Reminder calls are demeaning."

Mary: "Sorry."


Ms. Two: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, this is Mary, from Dr. Grumpy's office. I'm just calling to remind you of your appointment tomorrow at 2:30."

Ms. Two: "Great! I'll be there! Thank you!"

Mary: "See you then."


Mr. Three: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, this is Mary, from Dr. Grumpy's office. I'm just calling to remind you of your appointment tomorrow at 4:15."

Mr. Three: "It's about time."

Mary: "Excuse me?"

Mr. Three: "It's about time you called. I was wondering if you people were going to have the simple courtesy to do a reminder call."

Mary: "Okay, this is your reminder, and so we'll see you at..."

Mr. Three: "Customer service in medicine is obviously dead, or you would have called earlier."

Monday, June 1, 2015

One way, or another

Him: "Good morning, thanks for calling Local Grocery."

Me: "What time does the post office in the store open?"

Him: "I don't know their hours. You'll have to call back around 9, when they open."
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