Monday, April 24, 2023

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Monday, April 17, 2023


Following our first year of medical school, my roommate Enzyme and I returned to our home states for the summer. He (of course) found a girlfriend.

Enzyme saw it as just a summer fling, but failed to properly communicate this to her before returning to school (he claimed he had, and that she was crazy). Regardless, she had our apartment's phone number when he returned to school, though fortunately was over 1,000 miles away (back in those days, kids, you actually had to CALL people. Not e-mail or text. And you didn't each have your own phone, either).

So, in the time-honored tradition of single males sharing a cave, it somehow fell to the roommate (me) to answer the phone so he could hide. As many people of both sexes before him, he was hoping that if he ignored the calls, she'd stop calling. And we all know that never works.

I couldn't just ignore the phone, it might be for me.

So one day, as the phone started ringing, I said, "Enzyme, this isn't working. She's still calling." He agreed, and told me to try something else to get rid of her. Of course, he didn't offer any suggestions, either.

I answered the phone...

Medical Student Grumpy: “Um, hello?”

Summer Girl: “Hi! Is Enzyme around?” mind went completely blank. I couldn't think of a single thing to tell her that might make sense, like "Enzyme has broken up with you."

Medical Student Grumpy: "Um, he, um, I mean..."

I had a complete mental block. Not one idea jumped to mind.

Summer Girl: "Hello? Are you still there? Can I talk to Enzyme?”

Medical Student Grumpy: "Enzyme, um, he, uh... Enzyme is dead."

Enzyme (whispering): "Holy CRAP! Don't tell her I'm dead! She might call my mom's house!"

Summer Girl: "Excuse me, did you just say Enzyme is dead?"

Medical Student Grumpy: "No, I mean, he's, um, he's... gay."

Enzyme (whispering): "WHAT THE FUCK?!!!"

Long pause.

Summer Girl: "So. Is he dead or gay?"

Medical Student Grumpy: (dazed and stammering) "Um, he's either dead, or gay, I don't remember which..."

Enzyme took the phone out of my hand and hung it up.

Although it wasn't planned that way, it worked. He never heard from her again.

Monday, April 10, 2023

Modern technology

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, so did the medication make a difference?"

Mrs. Timex: "Sort of, it..."

phone beeps, patient looks at watch

Mrs. Timex: "OH MY GOD! CALL 911!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What? What's wrong?"


Dr. Grumpy: "I don't think that's accurate..."

Mrs. Timex: "Of course it's accurate! I just got it last week! Call 911!"

Dr. Grumpy: "I can assure you that your heart hasn't stopped."

Mrs. Timex: "HOW DO YOU KNOW? You haven't even made a move to check my pulse! Or call 911!"

Dr. Grumpy: (picks up blood pressure cuff) "Let me..."

Mrs. Timex: "This is ridiculous! My heart has stopped, and you're not doing anything! I'm driving to ER!"

she ran out

Monday, April 3, 2023

Mary's Desk

Phone rings

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Brush: "Hi, this... Brush... appointment... won't be able... there."

Mary: "Hello? Mrs. Brush? I can barely hear you. There's a lot of noise."

Mrs. Brush: "I... appointment."

Mary: "You have an appointment in 10 minutes. Is something wrong? It sounds like you're in a big storm."

Mrs. Brush: "Won't be there... stuck."

Mary: "Hello? That wind and rain are pretty loud. I can't hear you."

Mrs. Brush "I..."



few minutes pass

phone rings


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Brush: "Hi, this is Mr. Brush, my wife just texted and asked me to call you. She has an appointment soon and won't be able to be there, she'll call later to reschedule."

Mary: "Is she okay? It sounded like she was driving through a bad storm. Did she have to leave town?"

Mr. Brush: "She's fine. She stopped to get a car wash on the way there and it broke and now her car is jammed in it and they can't turn it off to get her out for another 15 minutes."

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