Thursday, November 29, 2018

2018 Holiday gift guide

How many times have you gotten home from a long day at work, opened a cold beer, and thought, "Boy, I'm tired. I'd love to relax by putting my head in someone's ass crack."

Me neither.

Butt, if you have any friends who think this way, now there's the perfect pillow to give them!

Yes, you can relax by lying down with your head on a simulated keister. If people are always telling you that you have your head up your ass, you can now respond, "no, that's my pillow."

The website says they're "squeezable, slappable and face buriable" for those who consider these to be desirable features in tuchus-shaped bed accessories. It also notes "you can dress up your Buttress with undies and PJ's," provided you're into that sort of thing.

I understand that Mr. Arthur Frampton is coming out with a deluxe version.

Monday, November 26, 2018

2018 Holiday gift guide

Yes, as the Earth rolls around its G-type main-sequence star, we again come to the Christmakuh season. Which means it's time for DR. GRUMPY'S ANNUAL GIFT GUIDE!

This year, I'd like to start off with something for that distant acquaintance, co-worker, or friend who feels they have to hold the first party of the season, even if that means having it in July just to say they did.

What's more perfect for your friend's next party than this adorable snowman beverage dispenser?

They'll marvel when you give them this cheerful fellow to dispense refreshments from a, um, conveniently located valve. See him smile as you pull down, squeeze, and release.

Serving suggestions include spiked lemonade or Mountain Dew, though if you're a urologist you could also consider something with cranberry juice or grenadine syrup added for just the right tint.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Thanksgiving memory re-runs

One Thanksgiving in the early-90's I was the intern on call at a local VA hospital (a veterans hospital for my non-U.S. readers, with consequently a primarily cantankerous elderly male population).

A peculiar thing about VA hospitals (at least back then, I haven't worked at one for > 25 years) is that patients could sign out at the nurse's desk to leave, then come back later to resume medical care (don't even try to understand this). So the sheet was always full of notations that patients had signed out to go to McDonald's, or buy cigarettes, or smoke, or visit friends at the homeless shelter, or hold up a liquor store, or whatever.

Some bright businessman had opened a strip club across the street from the hospital, I think it was called The Jaguar Room. So on Thanksgiving the VA ward I was covering was empty, as most of the patients had signed out to walk, wheel, or crawl over to The Jaguar Room for some female comfort and booze.

I was asleep in the intern's room when the calls began coming in, all from the bartender at The Jaguar Room. Was it safe for my patients to be smoking through their tracheostomy tubes? Were the cardiac telemetry packs still transmitting from across the street? Was there a place at the VA where patients could get more $1 bills, because they'd used them all up on the strippers?

And my favorite:

Bartender: "Can I give Mr. Veteran another beer?"

Intern Grumpy: "Um, what's the problem?"

Bartender: "He has one of those foley bags things, with the tube going up his dick. The bag is, like, REALLY full, and I'm afraid if I give him another beer it'll pop and send piss everywhere."

Intern Grumpy: "Send him back to the hospital."

Bartender: "That's bad for business."

Intern Grumpy: "So is showering your clientele with piss."

Mr. Veteran was wheeled back over to the VA immediately, by a topless stripper no less, who waited while his bag was emptied and then pushed him back to the bar.

Monday, November 19, 2018

Ebay has everything

During her appointment I was helping Mrs. Old find a better price on her pain medicine, which (of course), activated the ad-tracker software.

So a few minutes later I noticed this on a site:

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

Dr. Grumpy: "At your last visit... let me look at the note... okay, you said you wanted to see if a massage helped your back pain, and were going to try a place near your apartment. So how'd that work?"

Ms. Lumbago: "It, um, didn't happen."

Dr. Grumpy: "Too expensive?"

Ms. Lumbago: "No... I went in there one day, and said I needed a massage, and the girl at the counter gave me a blank look. Then I realized all the girls there were in skimpy bikinis, and they had candles and soft music and a bottle of champagne out, and the counter girl said, um, 'we only take men customers' and I realized that, um... anyway I left and haven't had time to look for another place."

Monday, November 12, 2018

Seen in a chart

Knowns and unknowns, both unknown and known.

- Thank you, C!

Thursday, November 8, 2018


It's 10:55. Mrs. 11:30 walks into the waiting room, where Mr. 11:00 is reading a magazine.

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mrs. 11:30: "Yes, I have a routine appointment with Dr. Grumpy at 11:30, but my husband has a work-in with his cardiologist downstairs at 11:45, which he just made. Can I be seen early, so I can run down there?"

Mary: "I'm sorry, he's with someone now, and has an 11:00 appointment ahead of you. Otherwise I would."

Mrs: 11:30: "Can you..."

Mr. 11:00: "Hi, I don't mind waiting. I have the 11:00 appointment, so why don't you just switch us out? I don't have to be anywhere right away."

Mrs. 11:30: "Oh, thank you so much."

Mary: "Okay, that works for me. I'll let the doc know you're switching."

I finish with Mr. 10:30 and bring him up to check-out. Mary quickly explains the schedule change, so I bring Mrs. 11:30 back to my office. I address her issues, and we conclude the visit at around 11:25.

Dr. Grumpy: "All right, let me know how the medication change works out... I hope everything is okay with your husband."

Mrs. 11:30: "My husband? Why?"

Dr. Grumpy: "You said he had an urgent work-in with his cardiologist?"

Mrs. 11:30: "Oh, I just told the front people that. He's fine. I just needed to leave early because my cat sitter can't stay past 11:45."

She walked out front and left.

Monday, November 5, 2018

Texting with Frank

Also, stop calling me "Bro."

Thursday, November 1, 2018

Seen in a chart

For my non-medical readers, the last word is supposed to be "hematuria."
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