Wednesday, November 29, 2017

My readers write

Clover, M.D. writes in:

I had this interaction with a patient recently:

Me: "How's your pain been?"

Her: "Better, I'm controlling it with those amphetamines I buy at the store."

Me: "Um, you're buying amphetamines at the store?"

Her: "Yeah, the store-brand Tylenol stuff."

Me: "You mean acetaminophen."

Her: "Whatever."

Thank you, Clover!

Monday, November 27, 2017

Random pictures

Okay, time to hit the mail bag for stuff you guys have sent in.

First is the poorly thought out name of this veterinary product:

"Keep away from children."

This one makes you wonder who named the business

Like any proud business owner, they have a custom license plate:

A reader notes this sign "doesn't exactly inspire confidence."

Then there's this, apparently marketing to axe murderers:

This past weekend the twins and I stopped at Starbucks for a snack. They had this sign up on the door:

Craig commented that "it looks like a dancing squid going to a Halloween party dressed as the Pope."

One reader saw this at a furniture store. Since she's a nurse she said her first thought was "Do Not Intubate." Admittedly, that was mine, too, even though it's obviously a couch.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Wednesday reruns

Last run in 2011, an oldie but goodie.

People often ask me "How do I find a good doctor?"
That's a tough question, and it can be tricky. So here are a few tips to warn you that your doctor may not be real. Any one of these (not to mention ALL of them, FFS) should alert you to look for another doctor.

1. A reputable physician's sole listing will likely NOT be in a Bulgarian language newspaper in Skokie, Illinois.

2. A reputable physician generally will NOT be seeing office patients at 6:30 on a Saturday night.

3. A reputable physician will NOT wait for you, alone, in a dark, locked, building with a "CLOSED" sign in the window.

4. A reputable physician will NOT let you knock for a while before letting you in himself.

5. A reputable physician will NOT stick toothpicks in your chest.

6. A reputable physician will NOT give you a bottle of pills labeled "Prosperous Farmer" that expired in 2002 (or anything called that, no matter when it expired!)

7. A reputable physician will ALWAYS have some sort of office paperwork.

8. A reputable physician will NOT jump into his car and try to drive away when you return for a follow-up visit.

If your physician does this, and you paid $150 cash for it, then you must have been seeing this guy.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Negative risks

Patient I saw for a stroke recently. The hospitalist's note used this nonsensical template. I understand what he's saying, but it sure looks stupid.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Lost and found

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Lenz: "Yeah, I think I left my sunglasses there last week. Did you find them?"

Annie: "No, we haven't seen any."

Mrs. Lenz: "I think I left them in the bathroom there."

Annie: "The bathroom in our office?"

Mrs. Lenz: "No, the one in the first floor lobby, across from the elevators and water fountain."

Annie: "Oh, that's not part of our suite. I have no idea."

Mrs. Lenz: "Can you connect me to the phone in there, so I can ask someone?"

Annie: "There isn't a phone in the bathroom."

Mrs. Lenz: "Then how am I supposed to get my glasses back?"

Annie: "Let me give you the number for the building management company."

Mrs. Lenz: "That seems excessive. I don't know why you can't just call whoever is using the bathroom right now and see if they have my sunglasses."

Annie: "There isn't a phone in there. And if you left them last week it's pretty unlikely they're still there. They clean them twice a day."

Mrs. Lenz: "You aren't being very helpful."

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Marketing surveys

From the "let's see if you're paying attention" department.

Monday, November 13, 2017


Guy: "Local pharmacy. Can I help you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Dr. Grumpy, returning a call about Mrs. Cranium's migraine medication."

Guy: "Yeah, you wrote a quantity of 12 pills on it, and her insurance says she's not allowed to have that many."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did that just change? She's been getting 12 every month for as long as I've been writing it."

Guy: "Well, they don't allow 12 pills in a day now, can you change it to another drug?"

Dr. Grumpy: "IN A DAY? No, she's not supposed to do that at all. That would probably kill you."

Guy: "Wait, you meant that to be 12 pills per month all along?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Absolutely. I'm looking at the script now. It doesn't say anything about 'per day'."

Guy: "That makes a lot more sense. I'll get this filled."

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Are you shitting me?

The other night, around 1:00, I took a call from the emergency room. One of Dr. Brain's patients was being admitted for a seizure and I was covering for the evening. I discussed the case with the ER physician and went back to bed.

The next day I'm seeing a patient in the office, when Mary interrupts me for a hospital call. So I pick up the phone.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Newgrad: "Hi! This is Dave Newgrad, the hospitalist seeing Rosanna Shakin. I have her ready to go, but you haven't been by to see her."

Dr. Grumpy: "I thought she was Dr. Brain's patient."

Dr. Newgrad: "She is, and he's been by and seen her and cleared her to go home. But I need you to come by."

Dr. Grumpy: "If Dr. Brain already did that, then you don't need anything from me."

Dr. Newgrad: "But the chart says the ER doctor spoke to you."

Dr. Grumpy: "She did, but I was covering for Dr. Brain."

Dr. Newgrad: "I thought that if you're the one who talks to the ER, you're legally obligated to come see the patient."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where the hell did you hear that? That's completely wrong."


Dr. Newgrad: "Nobody teaches you these things in training."

Monday, November 6, 2017

Breaking news!

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that impact your lives.

DATELINE: Pennsylvania, USA

Mr. Steven Rago, who was out on bail for simple assault, went to court to pay his fees.

While there he noticed another person, also waiting in line to pay charges, had set his wallet on the counter. Mr. Rago quickly pocketed it. A few minutes later he used the stolen money to pay his own fees.

The entire episode was caught on camera, and Mr. Rago's bail was rescinded due to the new charges.

DATELINE: Osnabrueck, Germany

A man in a movie theater had difficulty opening the bottle of beer he'd purchased for the show. Rather than leaving the flick to use the church key at the concessions counter, he innovatively tried to pop it open with something in his pocket.

In this case, a pepper-spray canister.

The pepper cartridge exploded, flooding the theater with the noxious stuff and causing the evacuation of 200 tearing moviegoers. The cinema's manager called the police, and was able to get the theater's air cleared after about 30 minutes.

No word as to whether he got the beer open.

DATELINE: Bretten, Germany.

An 81 year old man working around his house called the police bomb squad when he discovered what appeared to be an unexploded WW2 bomb in his garden.

Responding officers identified the explosive as actually being a "particularly large" zucchini.

The zucchini was 16" (40cm) land and weighed 11 lbs (5kg).

One police officer noted it "really did look very like a bomb.”

The offending squash's fate wasn't given.

Locations of visitors to this page