Sunday, March 15, 2026

Public Service Announcement

So, recently, the internet has been peppered with all kinds of clickbait about Alzheimer's disease (and dementia in general), most of which (shocker) are less-than-accurate.

Having been a practicing neurologist (AKA "brain doctor") for 30 years, and having personally owned a brain for even longer, I feel like I'm a unique position to address these.

Let's look at some:

 


Okay, people, there is absolutely NOT a word that, when you can't say it, means you have the beginning of Alzheimer's disease. It's horse hockey. Even if the idea had some truth (which it doesn't) consider this: the ad is in English. Alzheimer's is a universal human condition, so for this to be true would also mean that the mystery word (I'm not going to play clickbait just to find out what it claims it is) is the same across all languages. Let's also keep in mind that the original patient diagnosis Auguste Deter, didn't even speak English. She was a German seamstress.

_____

On the opposite side is this:


Just like there isn't something you can't say meaning you have Alzheimer's disease, there also isn't anything you can say that means you do. No, I didn't click to see what they were, either. I'm not giving them the clickbait money. For all I know it's "avadeh kedavra."

Also, one of them definitely isn't going to be "I think I have Alzheimer's." Most patients who come in and say that usually are more worried-well than anything else.

_____

All of these, inevitably, tie into them trying to sell you certain foods or supplements or whatever that they claim will cure or prevent Alzheimer's disease. Of course, they make it sound it like there's something easy to avoid:

 
Since it's click bait they won't tell you what the "common ingredients" are (they want the click money), but, speaking as a neurologist, I can tell you that I've never "pleaded" with anyone to stop using anything - especially the pictured Diet Coke (it's pretty hard to tell people not to drink it when my desk is littered with empty cans). As a doctor I may recommend doing something, but whether you do - or do not - your call it is.

___

Let's have a look at this lady:

 

I'm pretty sure there's no "Sweet Poison" - or anything else- you put in your coffee that turns it into "liquid dementia" and if it is, I'm probably screwed, too.

Let's take a look at the picture. There is nothing I (or most people) put in my morning coffee that I also drink straight from a bottle like grandma there. The bottle she's holding doesn't even look like one coffee, sweetener, or creamer comes in. In fact, it looks more like Jack Daniels (or his cousin, Jim Beam).

Face it: if you're putting either JD or JB in your coffee every morning, you have a problem, and if you're chugging it straight from the bottle, like Grandma America here, you definitely are at risk of alcoholic dementia. But you probably didn't need me, or a clickbait ad, to tell you that.

_____

Then there's this fellow, who somehow ended up in two clickbait pics. For some reason a lot of these bits (including the one at the top above) show elderly folks in military uniforms. They also like to show them with their mouths open, as if they have really bad nasal congestion.



Gotta love that phrase "Bottled Alzheimer's." Regardless of what these things claim, there is no such thing. While I'm sure there is some neurologist, somewhere, who they paid to say that, none of the many neurologists I know here in Grumpyville call anything that, or have even heard the phrase outside of these ads.

Although "Bottled Alzheimer's" would make a great band name. Maybe "Sweet Poison," too.

_____

Then there's the ones that show specific foods, just to scare you:

 




Not sure why the headline about one picture showing foods neurologists want you to avoid shows Diet Coke and the other shows a steak, waffle fries, and blueberries, but there you are.

"Brain Plaque on A Spoon" probably wouldn't make a good band name, unless it was shortened to "BPS Brainwagon" or something like that.

For the record blueberries, nuts, and salmon, which are pictured, do have some evidence behind them for health in general. They certainly aren't miracle cures for anything, but are still good for you. That said, if I'm going out for a steak, I'm still going to have it smothered with mushrooms, not blueberries.

Honey has some health benefits as well, but IS NOT A CURE for Alzheimer's disease, regardless of what the internet says. If you've been suckered into watching videos showing Dr. Sanjay Gupta claiming it is, and interviewing celebrities endorsing it... none of it is real. They're deep fake videos made using digital likenesses. Don't believe me, look it up yourself if you want.

Here are the facts, people:

1. There is no food that causes, or cures, Alzheimer's disease. It would be nice if it were that simple. It's not.

2. There is nothing you can buy over the internet, or at the drugstore, that will cure it, either.

3. There are a handful of prescription medications that can slow it down for several months. That's the best we can do right now. Do I like saying that? No. But it's the truth, regardless of what the glitzy TV ads claim. This isn't a bad thing - it's better than when I started practice - but it's not a miracle.

4. Every treatment for every disease we have today came from somewhere. So I encourage interested people to consider clinical trials for neurological (or any) disorder. I hear all the worries - What if it doesn't work? What if I get the placebo? What if it's dangerous? - and I understand.

But if we're going to find a cure, that's where it's going to come from. Not some miracle revelation that mixing Bisquick, Crisco, celery, and Jack Daniels is going to cure you and can be ordered, already bottled, for only $99.95.







 






Monday, February 23, 2026

Attitude

Dr. Grumpy: "Let me update your med list... Are you still taking Diazastatin 40mg a day?"

Mr: Hatt: "I'm taking Diazastatin 0.0014 ounces per day."

Dr. Grumpy: "It comes in milligrams. Do you happen to have the bottle?"

Mr. Hatt: "Nope, it's at home. You do the math if you want to know."

Dr Grumpy: "Okay... Are you still taking Smegosartan?"

Mr. Hatt: "Yes, do you want to know the ounces?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I..."

Mr. Hatt: "I'm sick of you people trying to cram the metric system down my throat. This is America."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, medicine, with a few rare exceptions, has always used milligrams for dosing. This isn't a political statement."

Mr. Hatt: "Well, now it's time for We The People to take our country back from your kind's bullshit. I'm doing my medications in ounces or not at all."

Friday, February 13, 2026

When the moon is in the seventh house

Dr. Grumpy: "So, the brain MRI looked okay. How have you been doing since the last visit?"

Ms. Dixon: "Did it confirm that I'm an Aquarius?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Excuse me?"

Ms. Dixon: "The brain MRI. Did it confirm that I'm an Aquarius?"

Dr. Grumpy: "That's not part of the MRI, or my field. I think it's based on your birthday. How have you..."

Ms. Dixon: "Nonsense. The MRI must be able to confirm things of that importance. Otherwise, what's the point of doing the study at all?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh..."

Ms. Dixon: "Besides, Madam Irene told me the MRI can do that sort of thing. She should know. She went to a special school to learn about such things. She has a diploma."

Dr. Grumpy: "To get back to my question, how have your symptoms been doing?"

Ms. Dixon: "I'm not happy that you aren't answering MY question. Can you print up the MRI report? I'd rather just take it to Madam Irene and talk to her."

Saturday, January 24, 2026

Mary's Desk

Tuesday afternoon

 

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Loid: "This is Amy Loid, and I want to cancel all my future appointments with Dr. Grumpy!"

Mary: "Okay, I can do that, let me..."

Ms. Loid: "He told me and my family that I have Alzheimer's disease, and now they won't let me drive! I'm going to get a second opinion from someone competent!"

 

click

 

Thursday morning

 

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Loid: "This is Amy Loid. I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy, I need to find a new neurologist."

Mary: "Uh... I...  okay, let me check with the doctor about this, we're, um, busy with the new year and all."

Ms. Loid: "I hope he'll take my case. I really need a second opinion. The last neurologist I saw was a bozo who said I had Alzheimer's and shouldn't be driving."

Thursday, December 25, 2025

Happy Birthday!

Sir Isaac Newton
 

Monday, December 1, 2025

Seen in a chart

 Great moments in radiology reports:



Thank you, Tom!

Saturday, November 15, 2025

Night at the Opera

Hi, this is Marie.

Besides my regular job, I've been working part-time at Local Playhouse. I handle ticket sales, field calls about showtimes, and tell people the restrooms are down the hall on the right.

 

(phone rings)

Marie: "Local Playhouse box office, can I help you?"

Ms. Cranky: "Hi, I need to get a refund on some tickets."

Marie: "Okay, when is the show? Are you able to bring them down here?"

Ms. Cranky: "Yes, I can bring them over tomorrow, am I able to get a full refund?"

Marie: "That depends on the show, and when it is."

Ms. Cranky: "It's 'A Shoggoth on the Roof.'"

Marie: "Hmmm... I don't see that on our schedule. Did you call the right theater? This is Local Playhouse."

Ms. Cranky: "Yes, I've got the tickets right here. They were for July 23, 2017."

Marie: "Um, we don't give refunds on tickets from past productions. We can't resell them."

Ms. Cranky: "That's ridiculous. They've never been used. They're in good condition. I must have forgotten about them and never gone to the show. I found them today when I was cleaning out a drawer."

Marie: "I'm sorry, but we can't give you a refund on them."

Ms. Cranky: "Now what am I supposed to do? I've already called every scalper in town and they won't take them either! People like you are why theater is dying!"

(click)

Sunday, October 19, 2025

Weekend on call

One of my consults this weekend was an unfortunate fellow in ICU who'd recently had heart surgery. For whatever reason they'd decided to leave his chest cavity open for a few days, in case they had to go back in urgently.

So I went in the room. As expected, the guy was sedated and intubated. I checked his pupils and reflexes, the usual neurology stuff.

Being curious, I couldn't help looking into his partially open chest cavity, where, under surgical-sterile plastic sheeting, I could see his heart beating.

A nurse in the room came over and offered me a Junior Mint.

Monday, September 22, 2025

Nice Arrangement

Dr. Grumpy: "All right, I sent the script into your pharmacy. Here's an order to have the labs done."

Mr. Stedenko: "Can I get these done at Orlok labs? There's one in the medical building right across from one of my stores, the one I'm usually at."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure. What kind of store do you own?"

Mr. Stedenko: "I'm a tobacconist. Have you heard of Pedro & Man? It's a smoke shop with locations across Grumpy county."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, I have. Okay, I'll call you when the results come in, and I'll make sure a copy goes to your internist."

Mr. Stedenko: "Thank you. Can you also send a copy of the lab results to my brother?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure. Is he..."

Mr. Stedenko: "He's also in the building across from my store, he's a pulmonologist."

Sunday, September 7, 2025

Modern life

In the last hour I’ve logged into my IRS account, my bank account, Intuit payroll, my E-prescribing account, the state narcotic database, my retirement account, the hospital Epic system, and my spam filter account, and I’m sitting here wishing there was one authenticator app they’d all use.

And then I began thinking “One authenticator app to rule them all, one authenticator app to find them, one app to log in to all, and on my monitor bind them.”

 

 


 

Monday, September 1, 2025

Front desk

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mr. Kard: "I have an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, let me hand you this clipboard and forms, there's some pens over there... can I get your insurance card?"

Mr. Kard: "Um, I don't have it."

Mary: "Is it on your phone?"

Mr. Kard: "No, but my mother has been here, too, and it's the same insurance. Can you look up her card?"

Mary: "Okay, what's her name?"

Mr. Kard: "Irene Kard."

Mary: "Okay, hang on... Um, your mom hasn't been here in over 15 years... and her insurance card was with a plan that doesn't exist anymore."

Mr. Kard: "So you can't use that one?"

Mary: "No. We need a new copy, can you have your mom text you a picture of it? I just need the numbers on the front."

Mr. Kard: "She died ten years ago."


Friday, August 15, 2025

Conferences

Let's talk about Genital and Urological (GU) cancers.

1. I don't treat them. I'm a neurologist. Not my end of the body. So how I got on a mailing list for them is beyond me.

2. If you were, say, a marketing person trying to get people to think of genital & urological cancers, what kind of image would you choose? Some sort of artistically non-smutty cartoon of a person's nether regions? A generic pic of a doctor looking at an MRI film? If the conference were in San Diego perhaps an image of a sunset on a beach?

Or maybe you'd just do this:

 


 

I don't know about you guys, but pretty much nothing makes me think of genital & urological cancer more than a big bowl of guacamole. At least, that's the image that will be stuck in my mind for a while, and Mrs. Grumpy will wonder why I'm suddenly avoiding our favorite Mexican restaurant, La Casa DeMentia.

Personally, I think they should try to coordinate the meeting so it occurs at the same place and time as the Sarcoma Academy Lectures in Surgical Advances, along with a gathering of the California HIghway Patrol.

 


 

 

Sunday, July 27, 2025

Thank you

I just want to post that I am glad I got to grow up and live in a world that had the brilliant Tom Lehrer in it. 

I remember one night in the 70's when my Dad came home with two albums he'd picked up at a carport sale. He'd never heard of Lehrer before, either, but they'd caught his eye.

The first one he put on was "An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer." As the first song "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" crackled over the speakers I remember laughing hysterically until I was crying. This continued, as we went from that record to "That Was The Year That Was." I completely lost it over "Pollution."

I've never stopped listening to him. Probably the only mathematics professor I can say that about.

His entire output was surprisingly small, all of it created over a few years in the 1950's - 1960's (with a few for the kids' show "The Electric Company" in the 70's) before he decided he'd had enough.

Although there have been many good ones, to me American satire songwriters are, at the highest level, limited to a trinity of Tom Lehrer, Weird Al Yankovic, and Allan Sherman.

Those of you who have no idea who I'm talking about, just Google him. Listen to his songs (and the preceding live introductions). Some of it is dated, most not, but all of it is excellent.

Thank you for the music, Tom.

IG


Tuesday, July 22, 2025

Discerning

Mary returned from lunch to find an older fellow sitting in the lobby, quietly reading. We didn't have any patients scheduled for that time.


Mary: "Hi, can I help you, sir?"

Mr. Natgeo: (turns a page, doesn't look up) "Thank you, I have an appointment with Dr. Intouch."

Mary: "Her office is right across the hall, this is Drs. Grumpy & Pissy's office."

Mr. Natgeo: "I know, I told them I'm in here, they said they'll come get me when they're ready to take me back."

Mary: "Oh, okay. Her lobby must be packed today."

Mr. Natgeo: "No, it's just that you guys have much better magazines."

 
Locations of visitors to this page