Sunday, February 18, 2024

Sunday afternoon

My current hospital consult is apparently unable to finish any sentence without putting the word "diarrhea" into it somewhere.

Friday, February 9, 2024

Quote of the day

 "I have insomnia, but it's only a problem when I'm trying to sleep."

Monday, February 5, 2024

Seen in charts

Here's some things you guys have sent in that somehow made it into medical records. Just remember folks, somewhere out there your doctor may be the culprit.

First, from the "wait, what?" department is this unusual treatment for anxiety:


"I guess it depends on what's making you anxious, nudge nudge wink wink"

From the "I'd like to buy a vowel" category cums comes this gem:

"I guess that's nudge nudge wink wink again"

From the case files of Captain Obvious, M.D. we have these notes:




And, lastly is this note from the "How lazy can you get?" department:


This brings back memories from when I worked at the VA 30 years ago. A patient would come to the floor, and the admitting note said "Past history: see old chart." The old chart was inevitably at least 5 volumes, each one 3-4 inches thick.

Monday, January 22, 2024

Random pictures

 Okay, time to hit the mailbag for stuff you guys have sent in.

First off, we have this label from a home sander:

Next is this, from the insanely long line for Radiator Springs Racers at Disneyland:

"That's tongue in cheek... I didn't mean it that way."

In a tribute to capitalism, I have to respect the location of this cookie store:

Love these stupid ads. Here's a tip: don't try to sleep in the surf. Was this Harold Holt's idea?

Lastly, since we're on the subject of things to help you sleep, Netflix wants to play "one of these things is not like the others."

Monday, January 15, 2024

Modern technology

After having one for a few months, I highly recommend the Amazon Ring to anyone who's ever wanted to see regular pictures of themselves, in pajamas and a robe, carrying out the trash.

Friday, January 12, 2024

Kill me

Currently trapped in line at a pharmacy behind a woman demanding generic Emgality and refusing to leave until she gets it. So I guess I'll be here until 2034.

Monday, January 8, 2024


Dr. Hurricane was an attending where I trained.

He was one of these people who lived at warp speed. While he was a good teacher, and had an excellent fund of general neurology knowledge, it was all limited by his frenetic manic speaking style of rattling off facts, statistics, and teaching points at an insanely high speed on rounds. In fact, he reminded us of John Moschitta, the star of FedEx commercials in the 1980's.

Yeah, and that was what Dr. Hurricane sounded like on a slow day.

I carried a clipboard and notebook with me on rounds, and would frantically, if unsuccessfully, try to keep up with his teaching points. This only resulted in severe hand cramps and my notebook bursting into flames.

Another resident, Karl, made the immortal comment that "Dr. Hurricane doesn't talk. He has lip fasciculations."

In clinic, patients were terrified of him. Not for him actually being threatening, but for his ability to rapidly give them the entire diagnosis and treatment plan in about 10 seconds, at a speaking frequency far beyond the ability of others to discriminate individual words. Dr. Hurricane blew into the room, Dr. Hurricane blew out of the room, leaving a prescription behind, fluttering gently in the breeze.

And, of course, I (the resident) was left standing there as the patients asked "what did he just say?"

Damned if I knew. Their guess was as good as mine.


Sunday, December 17, 2023

Taking a break for a few weeks

 See you next year!

Monday, December 11, 2023

Up front

Several months ago Mary and her family got a new puppy. He's still a puppy, but these days he's a 70 pound puppy.

He has a lot of energy.

She and her husband both work, and the kids are in school, so for a few hours each day Monster puppy and his den mates have free run of the kitchen and family room, with a doggie door when they want to venture out. The other dogs are older and sedate. Monster is anything but, and began randomly destroying things he found (toys, clothes, furniture, wall hangings, light fixtures, Amazon drivers, etc.).

So, since Mary spends her office day staring at a screen scheduling my victims patients, she hooked up some cameras and a speaker in the dog area at home. So now she sits at work and keeps an eye on Monster, occasionally telling him to get off the couch or stop mangling the postman. The other 2 dogs don't care, but the effect on Monster is hysterical. He looks up and around in terror, like people in old movies when God speaks to them.

Anyway, one afternoon last week Mary was doing her usual thing. She'd just checked in a new patient, who'd picked up a copy of "Good Housekeeping" and sat down in the lobby. She was then rescheduling another patient when she happened to glance up at the corner of her screen and saw Monster in the process of destroying one of her kid's toys.

Without thinking she grabbed her microphone and yelled "YOU DROP THAT RIGHT NOW AND GO OUTSIDE!!!"

The elderly woman in the lobby startled, dropped the magazine on the floor, and ran out of the office in terror.

She hasn't come back.

Sunday, December 3, 2023


 "What should we name our stroke study? Something positive, scientific sounding, helpful..."

Monday, November 27, 2023

Up front

Mary: "Okay, on Tuesday Dr. Grumpy can see you at 11:00, or on Thursday we can do 4:15, or on..."

Mary took a sip of too-hot coffee and began coughing.

Ms. Miasma: "I'm hanging up. Can someone else call me back? I don't want to catch whatever you have over the phone."

Wednesday, November 22, 2023

Be prepared

Body armor? Check.

Taser? Check.

Pepper spray? Check.

Marie riding shotgun on the cart with a baseball bat and tranquilizer gun? Check.

Heading to Costco for pies.

Saturday, November 18, 2023


Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses run in your family?"

Ms. Daughter: "My dad had cancer. That's about it."

Ms. Mother: "I have high blood pressure."

Ms. Daughter: "No you don't."

Ms. Mother: "Yes, I do. I take Petrolololololol for it."

Ms. Daughter: "You have high blood pressure, and you take medication for it? How come I never knew this?"

Ms. Mother: "It's not a big deal. Most people my age are being treated for high blood pressure."

Ms. Daughter: "It's like my whole fucking life I'm living a lie."

Saturday, November 11, 2023


Dr. Grumpy: "Are you allergic to any medications?"

Ms. Sesame: "I'm allergic to all medications that have a letter 'D' in them, regardless of whether it's the brand or generic name, or both."

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