November 10, 1975

 

Mantelpiece

Like every pet owner, I've been through the horrible experience of putting your best friend down. It sucks. I've done it 6 times so far, and it never gets better.

They always offer you the choice of communal cremation (which I do) or getting their ashes back. I know some people do that, and that's fine. Some do paw prints, or snip off a few hairs to remember them by. All understandable.

And if you want to do something more, that's your business. It's not my thing, but we all have our own ways of handling loss.

Recently, though, I was taken aback.

I received an email from a cousin, who knows I write this blog, and thought this was something I'd want to post about (boy, does she know me).

She recently put her dog Fluffy down. Two days later she got an email from the crematorium. To paraphrase it:

"Hi! Just letting you know, if you want to change your mind you have 48 hours to contact us so you can memorialize Fluffy with one of the following tasteful options. If we don't hear from you, no worries, We'll proceed with the respectful communal cremation you already chose."

It then offered these decorative choices:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you, Allison!

 

 

 

Seven Degrees

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mr. Caller: "Hi, I've been referred to an allergist, and they can't see me for 6 weeks. I was hoping Dr. Grumpy might be able to help me get in sooner if he calls over there."

Annie: "Did Dr. Grumpy refer you to the allergist?"

Mr. Caller: "No, I..."

Annie: "Wait... I'm not finding you in our system. Are you a patient of Dr. Grumpy's?"

Mr. Caller: "Um, not really, no."

Annie: "Then why are you calling us? Call the doctor who referred you to the allergist."

Ms. Caller: "Actually, I referred myself to them because my internist didn't think I needed to see an allergist. A few years ago I was visiting a friend who was in the hospital, and Dr. Grumpy was covering for the neurologist who was seeing him that weekend, so I thought he'd be a good place to start with this."

Crime and Punishment 2

So, as you guys remember, a few weeks ago I had to go to the Grumpyville misdemeanor court & entertainment venue for a speeding ticket that wasn't even mine.

This was the other notable case of the day:

 
Judge Judy: “Okay, next case is Tom Collins, warrant for missing a court appearance for DUI.”

Clerk: “This one is a dial in, your Honor. I’ll put on speakerphone.”

Mr. Collins: “Uh, hello, this is Tom Collins.”

Judge Judy: “Hi, Mr. Collins. Okay, you are charged with having missed a court appearance last week for a DUI charge. How do you plead to the charge of not being in court?”

Mr. Collins: “Uh, I was in jail, your honor.”

Judge raises her eyebrows, looks at her clerk.

Clerk (frantically typing on computer): “Um… yeah, it shows he was incarcerated effective 2 weeks ago.”

Judge Judy: “So…. are you still in prison?”

Mr. Collins: “Yes, your honor, do you need to verify with the guard here?”

Judge looks at a paper the clerk hands her.

Judge Judy: “No… so it says you’re in prison now for 3 other DUI’s?”

Mr. Collins: “Yes, that’s why I couldn’t be at the court appearance for the 4th.”

Judge: “Okay. So, what I’ll do is I’m going to drop the warrant, and dismiss the charge of missing the court appearance. The fine for the DUI is $7500. How long are you in jail for?”

Mr. Collins: "Until May 18, 2034, your honor.”

Judge Judy: “All right... I’ll suspend the payment for $7500 until June, 2034. So after you’re released from custody, within 2 weeks you’ll need to call the court here to check in and set-up a payment plan.”

Mr. Collins: “Thank you, your honor.”

Judge Judy hung up, looked at the clerk. Clerk shrugged her shoulders. 

Judge Judy: "NEXT!"

Security

Hi, it's Marie.

I'm still working part-time at the front desk of the Grumpyville Playhouse.

Recently we were hosting some sort of event. I really don't pay attention, no matter what it is I still just answer the phones and tell people the restrooms are down the hall on the right.

Anyway, after a round of drinks and hors d'oeuvres the crowd staggered inside to listen to a speaker. Since it was then quiet I got my phone and returned to playing scrabble with my bozo brother Craig and his hair.

I didn't even notice when a lady came over.

Lady: "Excuse, me miss."

Marie: "They're down the hall, on the right."

Lady: "There's an unattended package over there."

Marie: "Huh?"

Lady: "Over there, near the coffee station, next to the trash can. It looks like a backpack."

Sure enough, there was a backpack on the floor. Granted, it was probably nothing, but I'm supposed to call security. Fortunately, Big Phil was just outside, having a smoke and admiring his forearm tattoos. I didn't even need to call him because the busybody ran over herself. 

Lady: "Sir, there's an unattended backpack over by the coffee station."

Big Phil sighed, looked at me, crushed out his cigarette, and went over.

Big Phil: "Yeah, okay. Marie, did you see who left that here?" 

Marie: "No."

Big Phil: "Can you see a name tag sticking out or anything?"

Marie: "Let me see."

Lady: "OH! I'm sorry. It's, uh, mine."

Big Phil and I looked at her, then at each other, then back to her.

Lady: "I really thought mine was under my seat in the theater. This is really embarrassing. I, um, need to, uh leave now."

She picked up the backpack and ran out to the parking lot.

Long pause.

Big Phil: "She could at least have offered me a cigarette."

Crime and Punishment 1

So recently I let an irresponsible adult  treasured child of mine borrow my car, and they got a speeding ticket.

This alone wouldn't have been a big deal, but the police officer mistakenly entered the car's registration info on the citation form. So the citation was in my name, not the (allegedly) adult person who was driving it.

To get it dismissed, I had to go to Grumpyville City minor offenses court with proof that I was in my office at the time, dragging (reluctantly on their part) the person who'd been behind the wheel.

Misdemeanor court, at least in Grumpyville, is one of the best, yet unheard of, sources of entertainment. The cases are in front of the judge, each lasting 2-3 minutes. For the price of the parking garage it's like watching a bunch of movie shorts in rapid fire, one after the other, separated by the judge saying "NEXT!"

Two cases really stood out. Here's one:

Judge Judy: "Okay, there are 4 charges against you. I'll read them off, and you'll plead either guilty or not guilty after each. If you plead guilty your case will be moved on for sentencing at a later date, if you plead not guilty it will be referred to the city attorney's office to schedule a hearing on the charges. Do you understand me?"

Ms. Klepto: "Yes."

Judge Judy: "Charge one: July 21, 2026, shoplifting from the Grumpyville Grand Resort Gift Shop." 

Ms. Klepto: "Not guilty."

Judge Judy: "Charge two: July 22, 2026, shoplifting from the Grumpyville Grand Resort Gift Shop." 

Ms. Klepto: "Not guilty."

Judge Judy: "Charge three: July 23, 2026, shoplifting from the Grumpyville Grand Resort Gift Shop." 

Ms. Klepto: "Not guilty."

Judge Judy: "Charge four: July 24, 2026, trespassing at the Grumpyville Grand Resort after being banned from the premises for shoplifting."

Ms. Klepto: "Not guilty."

 

 

 

Driving in circles

Mr. Epazil: "Hello?" 

Mary: "Hi, Don. This is Mary, at Dr. Grumpy's office. I'm just calling to confirm your appointment for 8:30 tomorrow morning." 

Mr. Epazil: "Actually I'm glad you called. I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "You have an appointment for tomorrow morning. Will that work for you?"

Mr. Epazil: "It should... Actually, I may need to reschedule. It looks like I already have an appointment for 8:30 tomorrow, with my neurologist."

Mary: "That's Dr. Grumpy, so you're good."

Mr. Epazil: "Where are you calling from, anyway?"

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office."

Mr. Epazil: "What kind of doctor is he?"

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy is a neurologist."

Mr. Epazil: "Okay... That sounds like a good idea. Can I make an appointment to see him?  

 

My readers write

Time to hit the mailbag for stuff you guys have sent in.

Gary says he was looking for something to help keep his dog cool in summer, and saw this gadget that circulates ice water. I can only assume it's for dogs who have survived a horrific injury.

 

"Answers to 'Lucky.'"

Reader Nan says she was recently on a cruise, when this topic came up.

"I'll take 'things I don't know jackshit about,' Alex."

 

 

Then we have this bumper sticker (which I kind of like).

 

From the "it's at a barbecue joint" files:

 

"First 10 people to arrive get a free urn!"

 

And, lastly, this truck:

 

 

Helpful

 Seen in a chart:

 

  Thank you, S! 

Suspension of Disbelief

For those of you who don't know, or don't care, or don't know AND don't care:

One of the current offerings on television is "Memory of a Killer."

The plot line concerns (I swear) a hitman with Alzheimer's disease. Really. I am not making this up.

It's done as a serious crime drama. I suppose it could also be done as a comedy, albeit with only one joke ("Sheesh, you killed the wrong guy AGAIN!").

But I have to say that the most ridiculous, implausible, absolutely impossible part of the show is that a neurologist would have an office this tidy:

 

 

I can only assume that Patrick Dempsey, the producers, set designer, and pretty much EVERYONE involved in the show have never actually seen a neurologist. Our offices are a disorganized mess of paper stacks, writing implements, plastic brain models, Star Wars & superhero action figures, Post-It notes reminding us to pick up tomatoes on the way home, journals we've been meaning to read since the Clinton administration, reflex hammers, dust bunnies because the cleaning crew gave up years ago, and empty Diet Coke cans.

No, I have no idea what the bowl of colored ping-pong balls is for.

If you know a neurologist whose office really is that neat and organized, please encourage them to seek professional help.

Statistically Significant Benefit

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, at your mom's visit 2 months ago, for her Alzheimer's disease, she started Smegapazil. How's she been doing since then?"

Mr. Son: "I'd say she's better. She still goes out for nightly walks, and, you know, we used to get called by neighbors or the police at least 4-5 times a week because she'd gotten lost and they'd found her here or there and we had to go pick her up, but since starting the pills I think that's only happened maybe 3 times, tops."

At the local hardware store

These are, I swear, supposed to be dog toys.

 

Yeah, the tag really does say "Jiggle Me."

Seen in a chart

 

Informed

In these difficult times, I find one of the best way to relax is to read the news every night.

Of course, I don't read the modern news - it's too depressing and stressful. Instead, I subscribe to the British Newspaper Archive and every night I read an edition from that.

In these difficult times, I cannot overemphasize the importance of keeping up on the latest news, gossip, and social announcements of Victorian England. You snooze, you lose, as they say, and I certainly don't want to miss out on anything of importance.

For example, who among us wouldn't want to be in the know about this item?

 

 

  I'm pretty sure these guys will be there:

P.S. Miss you Malcolm and Bon.