Day at the races

This past weekend, for those of you who were fortunate enough to miss it, was (at least in my area) the Boy Scouts Pinewood Derby.

This annual event was actually once rated as one of the 100 greatest things about America (Reader's Digest magazine, 2006). I can only assume that the author had never been involved in one, or that in 2006 the country had absolutely gone to hell.

The point of this "friendly competition" is to build little cars and race them down a slanted track. Each 8-11 year old is given a standardized block of wood and 4 wheels, and can do what they want with them. Since the stakes are so high (winner gets a plastic trophy from Big Lots), the cars are carefully examined, weighed, and locked away 3 days before the race. This is to make sure that illegal modifications, like adding a jet engine, aren't carried out.

The whole part about this being a competition among the boys is absolute BS. It's between their testosterone charged fathers, living vicariously through the kids. Dads build the cars, and (occasionally) let junior make a few finishing touches (like putting a Pokemon decal on).

Of course, no one actually admits to this. So at each derby one of the finest moments is when the person in charge brings in the cars from the nuclear-bomb proof hiding location, and boys go ask dad which car is theirs. "Oh! That's mine? Cool job, Dad!"

(In our family, it's actually Mrs. Grumpy who does all this. I'm just a shill).

You can always tell the ones that the boys actually made themselves because they have uneven paint jobs, strange angles, and an odd number of wheels. Of course, they never win a race, because they're no match for the ones that some dad, who by day designs jet fighters for Lockheed, built (and claimed his kid did, using a wind tunnel testing facility that's coincidentally in the basement).

They ask you to arrive at 6:00 p.m. SHARP, which is a joke. The races never start on time.

So we arrived at the Wingnut Elementary School cafeteria at exactly 6:00, to find they'd just started setting up. To lend atmosphere (and help us forget that we were in a school cafeteria) some guys were hanging racing posters and pennants everywhere. A bunch of moms were off in one corner setting up a bake sale. And, most importantly, several dads were putting up the racing track, grading it with a computerized angle & level measuring device, as if it were made of gold.

While this is going on, to get you in a cheerful mood, they show fun racing moments on a large screen: cars and drivers in gory high-speed wrecks, flaming rocket boats hurtling out-of-control into screaming crowds, Indy cars exploding as they fuel up, and other humorous stuff.

Finally the races begin. This is kicked off by them blasting early 90's dance music. So if you've had a burning desire to hear C & C Music Factory, M.C. Hammer, and (not early 90's) ENDLESS replays of "The History of Rock & Roll, part 2"*, this is the place to be.

Each race features 4 cars, and they run them 3-4 times each, changing lanes each time. The race itself takes 5-10 seconds. Then they hand-carry the cars back to the starting point. Each is then reinspected (to make sure their owner didn't, say, use a blowgun to secretly attach a V8 engine while they were going down the track), carefully returned to the starting gate, and we begin again. And in the background 2 guys are still busy putting up racing poster decorations.

The race results are presented on a constantly-changing computerized time sheet, projected on the wall. This, I swear, measures finishing times TO SIX DECIMAL PLACES (i.e. 5.756381 seconds). Because, you know, that kind of space-travel level of precision is absolutely necessary when small wooden blocks are rolling down a track. And the dads obsessively stare at this like it's a topless dancer, while the kids play their Nintendo DS.

At some point your kids come to you asking for money. Why? Because they're selling pizza and various other junk food. They even asked you to bring something, because it's "for a good cause" (they never tell you what the good cause is. For all I know it's Botox for the counter lady). So you stop at Costco, pick up a HUGE box of Oreos, and give them to her. The Oreos are then marked up to 50 cents each, and the box is now worth more than an equivalent amount of plutonium. We discovered it was best to feed the kids before leaving our house, and making sure we have nothing but credit cards when we get there. "They only take cash? Sorry, kids."

This insanity goes on for 3-4 freakin' hours. Most people start to leave as soon as their kid is disqualified from the finals, but some parents (due to, say, their wives secretly signing them up to be involved in taking apart the damn track and not telling you about it until you ask if you can leave yet, for example) are stuck there until the bitter end. So you tap your feet and watch 2 guys continue to heroically put up racing posters.

Toward the end you start looking for something to do. Like helping the school janitor put away the folding chairs (he wants to go home, too). So if anyone stands up, you grab their chair and toss it in the closet, hoping they weren't planning on sitting down again. I figured if anyone fell and hurt themselves, I could hand out business cards.

Finally, it's over. If your kid didn't win, you don't care who did. As you're leaving, you notice the 2 guys are finally finishing putting up the last racing poster.


*Kind of ironic considering how Gary Glitter ended up, eh?

We all scream for ice cream

My kids (okay, me too) like ice cream. Who doesn't?

And whenever a new, cool-sounding flavor shows up at Local Ice Cream Shoppe, I'll usually try a taste spoon, and maybe order it.

This one, however, I'll have to think about... Even if it is artisanal.

Thank you, Wellillbe!

Early Sunday morning rounds

I got dragged into the hospital to do a consult, and discovered this line in another doctor's dictation:

"I warned the patient that potential problems could include death, serious complications of death, and severe death."

What a deal

Webhill sent in this non-artisanal restaurant sign that she passed on the street recently.





Personally, I don't want to pay $21.99 to get crabs. Even if the lady in the picture is the one giving them to me. That special shampoo is expensive.

But I do like the camera angle, which appears to have been used so you can personally verify whether or not she does, indeed, have crabs.

After winning Jeopardy! Watson goes to work at a pharmacy

And totally screws things up.





And yes I ALWAYS write refills in whole numbers.

A Day in the Life

Mr. Voice: "Hello, Megalithic Suxshit Insurance Company, can I help you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Dr. Ibee Grumpy. In the past 2 days I've faxed you the same form on a patient 3 times and..."

Mr. Voice: "We haven't received a form from you at all, Mr. Grumpy."

Dr. Grumpy: "...and each time I do you guys call a few hours later to say you haven't received it yet."

Mr. Voice: "What number are you faxing it to Mr. Grumpy?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It's Dr. Grumpy. I faxed it to 1-800-FAX-HERE, the number printed at the top of the form."

Mr. Voice: "Mr. Grumpy, that's the wrong number. You should be faxing it to 1-800-SUX-SHIT. Where did you get that other number?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It's the only fax number on the form! It's at the top of the page, right next to a sentence that says 'Please fax this form to the following number.' "

Mr. Voice: "Just because it says that on the form doesn't mean you were supposed to fax it there."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, but if the number to fax it to ISN'T the one on your form, how do I find out what the number is that I'm supposed to use?"

Mr. Voice: "You need to request that number by sending us a fax."

Hazards of the job

Mrs. Ancient didn't show up for an appointment last week. Mary had left a reminder message on her machine the day before, but she didn't come in. It happens, and so I moved on to my next patient and forgot about it.

Last evening we were having the usual home night. Doing homework, asking kids to brush their teeth for the 18th time, etc, when my cell phone rang.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Mr. Policeman: "Hi, this is Officer Badge of the Grumpyville Police. Is Mrs. Ancient a patient of yours?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, yeah, what's up?"

Mr. Policeman: "Well, we were notified today about uncollected mail. We entered her home tonight, and found her lying dead in her bed. It looks like she's been there a few weeks. There's a message on her answering machine from your office..."


Poor Mrs. Ancient.


This morning I told Mary about it.

Mary: "OMG! So you mean the whole time I was talking into her answering machine she was really lying there..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh-huh."

(sigh)

Dr. Grumpy: "When did the dizziness start?"

Mrs. Batty: "Well, I saw you for it last year! Don't you remember?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hmmm. I don't see dizziness mentioned anywhere in your chart..."

Mrs. Batty: "It's the same thing, but a year ago I called it a headache. Except it's really not a headache at all. It's never been a headache. And I want to know why you didn't tell me it wasn't a headache in the first place. You're a doctor, and should know better."

New policy, Marie

This year the Girl Scouts are requiring background checks on people looking to buy cookies, to prevent unfortunate incidents of this type from happening.

Dear Uloric,

Thank you for inviting me to watch "leading physicians" discuss your product.

Honestly, however, all I see in this picture are 2 gents who appear to be desperately in need of a men's room.





In fact, they look sort of like I do on weekend call (though better dressed), loaded with Diet Coke, having no time to pee, smiling blandly as the ER pages me again, and wondering how much it would hurt to put a catheter in until Monday morning to save time.

Help wanted: New medical secretary

Dr. Grumpy: "Hey, where are the Peanut Butter M&M's?"

Mary: "Oh, we put all the M&M's in the tupperware container over there."

Dr. Grumpy: "But there were 2 bags, the PB's and the dark chocolate..."

Mary: "Yeah, we just put them all in it. It's over there."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mixed PB's with dark chocolate? That's sacrilege!"

Mary: "You're a doctor. The PB's are bigger. I'm sure you can tell the difference and pick them out."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's not the point! You shouldn't mix them! The crappy dark chocolate ones will contaminate the PB's just by being in contact with them."

Mary: "Tough. From looking at your butt I don't think you need either."

Yes, those count

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?

Mr. Needle: "Nope. Everybody is healthy. I mean, unless you count diabetes. Or cancer. Or heart stuff."

I guess it's a pop-up ad, huh?

I'm reading the news online this morning, and this ad was on the web page.

I can't help it. I'm immature and juvenile.

Sunday afternoon, 1:28 p.m.

Mrs. Grumpy and I are taking a nap. My home phone rings, waking me up.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?."

Mr. Pissmeoff: "Hi, um, Dr. Grumpy. You don't know me, but my kids also go to Wingnut Elementary, and I got your phone number out of the school directory."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh-huh..."

Mr. Pissmeoff: "My wife has MS, and is in Local Hospital. She sees Dr. Darth, across the street from you."

Dr. Grumpy: "I don't cover for Dr. Darth, sir. You'll have to call his office."

Mr. Pissmeoff: "I know you don't. But she wants to go home, and he hasn't been in to see her yet today. Can you please come in and discharge her instead?"

Fire safety

I was on my way to Costco yesterday.

I passed an old Ford pickup. It had been modified so the ENTIRE BACK OF THE TRUCK was gone. They'd shortened the axle, and had the rear wheels under the cab.

They had the gas tank welded to the roof of the cab, with fuel lines running down over the windshield to the engine. There was no hood.

The windows were open. The driver was smoking.

More crap

All right, ever since I became side-tracked on what I consider to be the major threat currently facing humanity - the sickening overuse of the word "artisan" and its derivatives - everyone else has been noticing it too. Recently it's even been prominently featured in a nationwide TV ad to describe mass-produced ravioli, of all freakin' things.

Anyway, since it's too late for me to go back and pretend I never started this, here are some of the more irritating examples of the problem that have been sent in:


From Shannon, who says this was at Starbucks (assumedly not made by kosher artisans). This one gets bonus irritation points for also having the word "handcrafted" in it:






Kathy saw this at the grocery store:






And Jaime, also from the grocer's:

Patients say the darndest things

Dr. Grumpy: "Any side effects on the medication?"

Mr. Stiffy: "Well, I uh, I mean, um... you know, I, uh, when I'm about to, um, fall off the cliff, so I start rubbing it faster, but I don't fall off that cliff, no matter how fast and hard I rub. You know what I mean, doc?"

Ma'am, that isn't normal

Get 15% off hospital scrubs with code "white_onsale"

Mrs. Stick: "My blood sugars are always good. I check them 4 times every day."

Dr. Grumpy: "I didn't know you were a diabetic?"

Mrs. Stick: "I'm not, but my husband is. I use his lancets."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why on Earth do you do that?"

Mrs. Stick: "Just for fun."

Drug 'R Us

Pharmaceuticals are amazing stuff. You can bitch and moan about their costs, side effects, or the number of them you're taking, but what they've done to extend life and improve its quality is truly remarkable.

And for all the bad raps they get, I salute the pharmaceutical industry, and those who work anonymously in labs around the world, to bring us these miracles.

But drug companies also do absolutely weird crap. One thing that's recently driven me nuts is the trend away from drugs of real value toward what I call "drugs of convenience" (DoC).

What is a DoC? Let's take Fukitol. Fukitol is dosed twice-a-day. Taking a pill twice-a-day is something most of us can remember to do. Fukitol costs, say, $2 a pill. So a month of Fukitol is $120 (these numbers are just for example, obviously).

But, like all drugs, Fukitol's patent is going to expire. Then it will become a cheap generic (fukazolamide), and the price will drop to $0.20 per pill. So a month will now cost $12.

About 3 months before the generic comes out, the Fukitol rep shows up at my door. He now carries once-daily Fukitol-ER! Yes, now you only need to take Fukitol-ER once-a-day! And they trumpet this like it's a major freakin' medical breakthrough.

And they no longer carry plain old Fukitol samples. So if I want to start someone on Fukitol, I need to use Fukitol-ER, and when it goes generic in a few months, the patient ain't gonna want twice-daily fukazolamide.

Fukitol-ER is priced at $4 a pill, so a month is, again, $120.

When the generic comes out, the patient's insurance has a choice: pay $12/month for twice-daily fukazolamide, or $120/month for Fukitol-ER. That $108 difference becomes pretty significant if there are, say, 1 million people on the drug.

Now we get into numbers. The patient's insurance co-pay is $5/month for fukazolamide OR $40/month for Fukitol-ER. The insurance company is hoping that by putting more financial burden on Mr. Fukdeprived, he'll decide to go with the cheap generic.

But the drug companies have a counter to this- They've introduced coupons, also called "co-pay cards" or "patient loyalty cards" that give the patient $40 a month off the copay. So by using these things Mr. Fukdeprived gets Fukitol-ER free, while the insurance company is still getting dinged for the rest of the cost.

Now, given my never-ending battles with insurance companies, I don't often sympathize with them. But here I do: the patient is getting the gold mine, and the insurance is getting the shaft. And, of course, this situation increases health care costs for ALL of us, because the insurance has to raise my premiums to pay for the fact that somebody just can't bear the thought of having to take their pill twice-a-day instead of once.

My friends who are pharmacists also hate having to deal with the reimbursement issues on the co-pay cards, but that's another story. If they want to comment on it, they're welcome to.

But the fun doesn't end there. Let's take a real drug: Flexeril (generic name cyclobenzaprine). This muscle relaxant came to market quite a while back, and consequently has been available as a generic for many years. It's taken as a 10mg pill 3 times a day, and the generic is dirt cheap. Like a few pennies per pill.

So roughly 10 years ago, LONG after generic 10mg cyclobenzaprine was commonly available, some enterprising drug company actually was able to patent it AGAIN as a 5mg pill. They claimed it was less sedating at the lower dose, and therefore constituted a whole new drug.

And so it went to market as expensive Flexeril 5mg, because heaven forbid you should actually suggest a patient buy cheap generic 10mg cyclobenzaprine and break them in half!

Eventually the patent wore off on Flexeril 5mg, too, and it went generic, along with the 10mg. So what happened next? Another drug company actually re-patented it at a 7.5mg dose and renamed it Fexmid. I am not making this up.

Still another company has developed a once daily form of it called Amrix. So from 1 drug we now have 4 freakin' patents.

Here's another one: Doxepin is an ancient (by drug standards) antidepressant. It's been around since the 1960's. So it's dirt cheap, and comes in pills of 10mg and up. BUT some pharmaceutical company, after 40 years on the market, has re-patented it as a 3mg or 6mg sleep aid called Silenor. So you can buy 30 days worth of 10mg pills at Target for $4 OR you can pay the same amount per pill for Silenor in a smaller size. Step right up and buy this bridge!

But the fun goes on! One that REALLY chaps me is the bizarre trend of combining 2 old, cheap generics (some of which are even available over-the counter) to create a new, overpriced drug.

Other companies combine an existing generic with a soon-to-be generic as a desperate way of getting a few last bucks out of it. Because heaven knows it's SUCH a serious burden to have to take 2 pills at the same time instead of 1. This list includes Treximet (Imitrex + Naprosyn), Vimovo (Naprosyn + Nexium), Caduet (Norvasc + Lipitor), Vytorin (Zocor + Zetia), Symbyax (Prozax + Zyprexa), and many more.

No matter how much pharmaceutical companies try to portray these drugs as major medical breakthroughs, THEY AREN'T!

I just can't help but think that the money spent on creating them would be better spent on more novel drugs with greater long-term potential (and profit, since I admit that's the key) to help people.

Dog owner tip

Okay, marijuana fans, lets remember this:

Dogs have different uses for socks than you do.

So, if you are hiding your stash in a sock, your dog may have a different idea of what to do with it.

Like this guy's did.

Annie's desk, February 15, 2011

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mr. Alpo: "Yeah, Dr. Grumpy sees my wife for Parkinson's disease."

Annie: "Uh-huh..."

Mr. Alpo: "I need a refill on her medication, and also, does Dr. Grumpy have a dog?"

Annie: "Yeah... Why?"

Mr. Alpo: "Can you ask him what kind of dog food he recommends?"

Annie: "Let's stick with the medication refill. Dog food isn't his field."

Mr. Alpo: "Yeah, but he's a doctor. Doesn't he know about that stuff?"

Annie: "He's not that kind of doctor. Why don't you ask your vet?"

Mr. Alpo: "Why? Does she know Dr. Grumpy?"

I'm SO freakin' touched

Today a drug rep dropped off this box of chocolates at the office.

Patient quote of the day

"It’s not like things are worse, I mean they are, but it’s not like that, or maybe it is. That isn’t really the whole problem, because it’s only the whole problem when it’s worse, which it isn’t. At least not most days. The whole thing is just there, especially when it isn’t worse, which it is, if you know what I mean."


And no, folks, this person is not being seen for a cognitive problem.

This ain't Fail Blog, but...

Since 3 of you decided to send me some things you'd noticed, here they are:


Reader Donal sent this from Ireland. He says it was a sign in the auto repair shop he was at:







Hillary was at Starbucks, and saw this menu item:






And Laura sent this Spirit Airlines vacation ad, offering great discounts on trips to warmer regions.




Because, after all, who wouldn't want to go south for VD, when it's only $9 each way?

Insanity

At 9:38 this morning the following message was left on Mary's voice mail:

"Hi, this is Mrs. Fried, and I need to make an appointment. Please call me back at 867-5309."

So Mary wrote down the number, and called the lady. No one answered, so she set it aside to try again later.

At 11:45, a little over 2 hours later, they called back. "Hi, this is Mrs. Fried again. My schedule is busy, so I don't think I'll be able to come in at all. Can you cancel the appointment that I haven't made?"

Early Monday morning in the ER

Dr. Grumpy: "You've been taking Nostroke since I saw you last month, correct?"

Mr. Lacunar: "No, I decided not to start it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why did you do that?"

Mr. Lacunar: "I wanted to see if I'd have another stroke."

Dr. Grumpy: "You did."

It just sucks

While I'm not planning on making this the "I hate the words artisan/artisanal blog", it sure as hell has been that way recently.

Here's one from my reader Lindsey. She says it was at Walmart.

To make matters worse, I just ordered flowers for Mrs. Grumpy for tomorrow, and received a confirmation email reassuring me that they'll be arranged "by an artisanal florist".

Sigh.

My readers write

From the wonderful world of law enforcement, my reader Officer Cynical sent in this story yesterday:

"This morning I arrested a woman for DUI, after she drove off the street and hit a tree at 7:30 a.m. She was quite drunk, and thought it was 11:00 at night and that she was going to her overnight shift at Walmart.

Anyway, once in the little ER exam room for blood draws and jail clearance, my partner said to her: "Doris, this may take a while. Why don't you have a seat?"

She said "I can't sit down. I have a turd in my pants."

Oh, for hell's sake

Even the menu at Local Theater's Friday Night Kids Show isn't safe.

(click to enlarge)




Although personally I think charging $13 for a freakin' turkey sandwich and bag of Doritos is a bigger atrocity than overuse of the word.

Thursday evening, 7:10 p.m.

We have a clock by the front sign-in sheet. It's part of a kitschy ceramic black & white statue made to look like some type of cartoonish farm animal. I have no idea who bought it originally. I've never paid it much attention.

Last night, just after 7:00, I got called that a patient needed to talk to me.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Miss Tangent: "Hi! I was there earlier today, for my arm pain. I brought my sister to the appointment. Do you remember?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes. What can I do for you?"

Miss Tangent: "I need your help. My sister and I have been arguing since the appointment, and we need to know if that clock statue thing on your front desk is supposed to be a horse or a cow?"

Pop quiz

Okay, folks, today we're going to look at some pictures (not those kinds of pictures, get your minds out of the gutter). Take out your #2 pencils. After we're done pass your paper to the person behind you for grading.

If you need a better look, click on the pictures to enlarge them.


1. This picture is from:




(A). A promotional piece for Extreme Cage Fighting, 2011

(B). A "don't litter, or else" public service announcement.

(C). A notice not to pick up hitchhikers.

(D). The Halloween costume your kid wanted last year.

(E). An advertisement for a narcotic pain killer.



2. This is:




(A). A polar bear. What kind of stupid question is that?

(B). A commercial for the new show on Animal Planet.

(C). What are those red lines... Wait a minute! Do polar bears really have a tail covering their butt? I better google that.

(D). An ad for a new treatment for shingles pain.

(E). A and D.




3. This is:




(A). An ad for a rustic fishing supplies shop.

(B). The symbol for the new "Jesus loves you and your aquarium" campaign.

(C). From a fish conservation group.

(D). The new logo for Osteichthyes Bank & Trust.

(E). In an ad for a muscle relaxant.




4. This makes me think of:





(A). A promo for "Beauty and the Beast"

(B). Do Halloween and Valentines fall on the same day this year?

(C). OMG! Simba killed a florist!

(D). Aslan is "in the mood."

(E). Yet another ad for an expensive painkiller.




5. This next picture is:





(A). That guy you owe money to.

(B). An ad for World Championship Wrestling

(C). Wow. Bobby Knight sure looks different these days.

(D). The neighborhood chiropractor.

(E). An ad for the same narcotic as picture #1.


In case you didn't guess, (E) is the answer to all of them. And no, I'm not in marketing. I have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER where they came up these pictures. But I want to hire the guy in #6 to work as my office bouncer. And yes, polar bears really do have small tails.

Healthy Lifestyle

Miss Tuber: "I try to stay active and keep in shape."

Dr. Grumpy: "How do you do that?"

Miss Tuber: "I watch reality shows on TV."

Okay, that's a good excuse

My 9:15 yesterday, Mrs. Plum, didn't show up for her appointment. This surprised me, as she hasn't missed an appointment in the 5 years I've been caring for her. Mary had even confirmed her on Monday.

This was unexpected enough that I kept bugging Mary, asking her if Mrs. Plum had come in yet. Finally she just said "No! She's not here! I'd tell you if she's here! Maybe she's in a coma!"

I felt bad about irritating Mary, so apologized and went on to my next group of patients.

About an hour later Mary came back to tell me the ER was on the phone, so I picked up.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. ER: "Yeah, I have a patient of yours here, Frieda Plum. Her husband couldn't wake her up this morning, and it looks like she's in a coma..."

I need to be REALLY nice to Mary. She has terrible powers.

Half-assed surgery

We at Grumpy Neurology, Inc., think your butt looks fine as it is.

But if you insist on having a new rump installed, we recommend that you seek a trained medical professional.

While a Hampton Inn is a perfectly nice place, with free WiFi and a continental breakfast, they are generally NOT known for their in-room surgical capabilities.

Like this lady found out.

Thank you, Erin!

Aaaaaauuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Grumpy: "Any other questions?"

Mr. Oldguy: "Yeah." (reaches into coat, pulls out plastic bag with a bunch of white powdery stuff in it) "What do you think of this?"

Dr. Grumpy: (thinking: cocaine? talcum? dandruff?) "Uh, it looks some sort of white powder..."

Mr. Oldguy: "I scrapped it off the bottom of my foot this morning."

Great drug rep moments

"Doctor, our company is actively involved in Alzheimer's research. In fact, one of our internal studies recently found that patients and their families are concerned the disease may cause memory loss. They worry about being forgetful, too."

Thanks for whatever

Yesterday we sat the twins down, duct-taped them to chairs at Taserpoint and politely asked them to complete their birthday thank you notes.

Here are some excerpts:

"Thank you for Wii Music. It's musical."

"Thanks for the presents. Now I have something to do."

Sunday reruns

From February, 2009:


My first consult at the hospital this morning was an elderly gentleman who passed out while watching the Super Bowl yesterday. I quote directly from the note of the admitting internist:

"He was in his usual state of good health when he awoke this morning at around 10. He normally has eggs and toast for breakfast, but this morning decided to skip it and went straight to cocktails. He had 7-8 Manhattans over the course of the day while waiting for the game to start."

Oh, for freak's sake!

See? It's every-damn-where!




Thank you, Shannon!

Today's criminal tips

Okay, since learning from experience is good, here are today's suggestions for you budding criminals out there:

1. When burglarizing a home, it is NOT a good idea to stop to charge your cell phone. You might accidentally leave it there.

2. If you take up growing marijuana as a hobby, do not call 911 with questions about it.

Dear American Academy of Dermatology,

I, the great Dr. Grumpy, Neurologist-at-large, have absolutely NO FREAKING IDEA how I ended up on your email list. I don't even go to my own specialty's meetings (my idea of hell is a room with more than 1 neurologist).

Nevertheless, thanks for the invite today. If I find myself in New Orleans this weekend, and have absolutely nothing to do, and the French Quarter is closed, and Mrs. Grumpy has let me off my leash, and Ignatius J. Reilly is unavailable for dinner, and I have a few hundred bucks in conference registration fees burning a hole in my pocket, then I will most certainly attend.




Because, as an elite neurologist, I find the latest news on skin, hair, and nails to be absolutely fascinating.

Hoping you've found a way to stop my remaining hairs from falling out,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Friday morning, 12:03 a.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Awake: "Yeah, I see you for headaches, and I called your office on Wednesday. You called in Imitrex for me, and it helped a lot."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, so why are you calling me now?"

Mr. Awake: "Um, because Annie told me to call back on Friday and let you know how I'm doing, and it's Friday now."

Heart? Appendix? Wurlitzer?

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Helpful: "My dad is missing an organ. I don't know what it's called."

Dear Local Medical Career College,

Thank you for dropping off pamphlets about your new medical assistant training program yesterday.

In all honesty, they don't inspire a lot of confidence.

Annie's desk, February 1, 2011

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Copay: "Hi, I need Dr. Grumpy to call in some medication for my back. I also need him to order physical therapy and an MRI."

Annie: "Hang on, let me look up your chart... it looks like we haven't seen you since 2008..."

Mrs. Copay: "That's correct."

Annie: "... and at that time you were here for a completely different issue. It looks like Dr. Grumpy has never seen you for back problems."

Mrs. Copay. "Whatever. Let me give you the number for my pharmacy..."

Annie: "Look, he can't give you medications or order anything for a condition he hasn't seen you for before. Especially when it's been 3 years since you were last here at all. You'll need to make an appointment."

Mrs. Copay: "Well, my insurance copay is now $35, and I don't want to spend that just to come see him."

Annie: "We can't do anything without seeing you."

Mrs. Copay: "Why doesn't anyone care about patients anymore? All you people want is my money." (hangs up).

Being thorough

Dr. Grumpy: "Besides your gallbladder, any other surgeries?"

Mr. Eightyseven: "Yup. When I was a baby they clipped my pecker."

I'm feeling the love

This letter came in yesterday's mail.


"Dear Dr. Grumpy,

"You don't know me, but I'm a patient of Dr. Pissy's.

"I had an appointment last week, and noticed you standing in the hallway.

"Based on my observations, I'd like to offer you my services as a professional shopper and fashion expert. For a nominal fee I'd take your measurements, then carefully select clothes that are both fashionable and flattering to you.

"I want to reassure you that I understand your appearance is not your fault. I'm sure a man in your position doesn't have time to shop for himself, and your wife may be too hurried to select nice clothes for you. In addition, many men, in my experience, are color blind.

"I've enclosed my business card, and look forward to working with you.

Yours truly,

Cindy Polyester."