Swinging Lawyers, P.C.

In the mail today was a letter from one of my patient's lawyers.

The letterhead gave me the giggles.

While you quickly realize all the ways this would make perfect sense, the human mind always leaps to the worst.

It said:

Smuckers & Welch, P.C.

Adam Q. Smuckers
Phillip N. Welch
Susan R. Smuckers-Welch

Justifiable homicide

I was seeing a new patient, and as usual had a can of Diet Coke on my desk. Yesterday afternoon, for variety, it was the kind with lime.


Mr. Manners: "It hurts when I climb stairs, and... Hey, how is that lime-flavored Diet Coke? I've never tried it."

Dr. Grumpy: "I like it, I go back and forth between it, regular Diet Coke, and..."

Mr. Manners reaches over, picks up my Diet Coke, and freakin' DRINKS SOME!

Mr. Manners: "Hey! That is good! I'll have to buy some."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uhhh, you can keep that one."

Mr. Manners: "Really? Thanks, doc! Anyway, sometimes the foot goes numb and..."

Patient quote of the day

"I have an excellent sense of smell. I can especially smell vanilla. My husband and I once measured it, and found I can smell an open bottle of vanilla from 8 3/4 miles away."

'Tis the season

Yes, folks, Christmakuh, Kwanzaa, Festivus, and Solstice are fast approaching, and it's time for

(drumroll please...)

The Dr. Grumpy Guide to Holiday Shopping!

I'd like to thank the catalog companies who have inundated my home with their wares, and the readers who have sent in ideas, to help me guide you.

This tradition started last year because patients routinely call my office asking if we have any gift ideas (NO! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHY THEY CALL ME!!!), so I figure many of you are dying to do the same.

So I'm here to help you, my loyal readers, find some of the best gifts out there, and will present them over the next few weeks.

Last year's most (un)popular item, based on comments, was this tasteful set of mens' clothes. In all honesty, I'm not sure I'll be able to top them, but will try.

So, to kick off your holiday shopping, I'm starting with 2 exquisite items, both from the same site.

Artist Leah Piepgras (who I don't know at all) apparently felt the world needed a set of dishes displaying the human digestive tract. Each place setting features 5 dishes, with individual pictures of various organs "from mouth to anus". Her site lists them as an "exercise in mindfulness", though I personally see it as a way to encourage dieting.

This, for example, is the dinner plate featuring intestines.



To see the rest of these awesome plates, or even to order your own set, you can visit her site. Move your cursor over the plates to see the different anatomy pics.


Not into dinnerware? Well, Ms. Piepgras also has a lovely silver necklace available. Namely this:





Yes, I know you're wondering "What the heck is that?"

Well, according to her site, it's "an accurate representation of semen" (REALLY!) in case you enjoy looking like someone just ejaculated on your sternal notch. She has 2 different blob-o-semen shapes available. Both can be viewed here.

The donor is uncredited.

Saturday night, 10:54 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Tech: "Yeah, I'm calling from Local Lab about your patient, Hugh Neverheardofhim. His sodium is 114, and his potassium is..."

Dr. Grumpy: "This isn't my patient."

Mr. Tech: "Well, your phone number is on the order. Aren't you Dr. Grumpy, the nephrologist?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm a neurologist."

Mr. Tech: "Whatever. I'm just notifying you of your patient's abnormal labs."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's not my patient! You've got the wrong doctor!"

Mr. Tech: "Okay, who should I call now?"

Dr. Grumpy: "His kidney doctor!"

Mr. Tech: "Do you know his number?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No! I don't even know who it is."

Mr. Tech: "Can you look it up for me?"

Dear Family Fun magazine,

Earlier this week Mrs. Grumpy was reading your November issue for Thanksgiving ideas.

As she looked through the pages she came across your instructions for the "Tossing Turkey" game, and how to make the toy drumstick.

The reason she brought it to my attention was that the diagram in the upper right corner seemed, uh, somewhat X-rated.

(click to enlarge)

Dreams

So Mrs. Grumpy and I enjoyed our day off by (drumroll please)...

TAKING A NAP!

(I know, we're a wild and crazy pair)

During my nap, I dreamed I was looking through a catalog of childrens' clothes, and there was a line of "oversize" clothes by a company called "Because your kid is fat!"

I thought this was so incredibly tasteless, I tore out the page, and was going to scan it in so I could use it on the blog.

Then I woke up, and was incredibly disappointed to realize there was no such clothing line, and so no blog post.

That is so pathetic.

Friday morning

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Phone: "Hi, I had an appointment with you last month, and I need to come in again."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, my office is closed today. Can I have Mary call you on Monday?"

Mr. Phone: "No, I need to see you today."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, the office is closed, but you've got me on the phone. What can I do for you?"

Mr. Phone: "Yeah, but on the phone, how do I know it's you? I mean, you could be a phone operator or something. I really want to talk to the doctor."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, I promise it's Dr. Grumpy, and I have your chart in front of me. What's up?"

Mr. Phone: "I'm not comfortable with this. I think I'll just go to ER." (click)

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy, writing for Thanksgiving.

When I was 5, my family lived in Massachusetts. My dad was a graduate student at the time, my mother was raising 3 kids. Dad worked 2 jobs, AND was an amateur boxer, to support us.

That winter we ran out of money. I didn't have a coat for school, and my parents couldn't afford one. My mom would dress me in multiple layers of her shirts to send me to school.

Somehow, through our church, word got out that there was a little girl who needed a coat. A family out there bought me a brand new one in my size, and donated it through the church.

I still don't know who they are, or how they heard about me. But it was warm, and fit me perfectly, and was my favorite coat EVER. It was still in good shape when I gave it to another family in need. By that time we weren't living in Massachusetts anymore.

Whoever you are who bought me that coat so long ago, thank you. It made all the difference in the world to me. And still does.

Great drug rep moments

"Hi, Dr. Grumpy. It's good to see you. Thank you for signing for samples. I hope you've been doing okay. How are your kids? My son is getting divorced. But that's fine, because I never liked her. Is this going to be enough samples for you? I wish the company would give us more. We also have the new 50mg pills, I don't have any here, but will send you some info. Are you ready for the holidays? My company is doing layoffs. I have no idea if I'll have this job in a month. I'm bringing lunch next week. Do you like turkey? I thought about getting some, but I think that would be overkill. Don't you? My daughter hates turkey, but she has all kinds of food allergies. I bet she got them from my ex, because there isn't anything right about him. She's interested in going into medicine, too. Do you have any advice for her? I can bring sandwiches instead. I found a new place I like, but they toast the bread, and not everyone likes that. I'll ask if they can leave some plain. This drug, by the way, is now on first tier with all major insurance plans. Which plans do you take? A friend of mine should probably see you, I'll have to find out what insurance she's on. Thank you for your time, and I'll see you next week."

November 24, 1931

Ghost ships are the stuff of legends and Halloween stories. But some ghosts are real...




The S.S. Baychimo


The Baychimo was a small, sturdy, freighter owned by the Hudson Bay Company. Her job was to travel the coast of Victoria Island in the Canadian arctic, trading supplies with the local Inuit people for valuable fur pelts. She worked during the area's brief open water season (July to September) spending the rest of the year in Vancouver.

The winter of 1931 came early, and Baychimo was frozen in ice several times while returning home. By mid-October she was stuck fast near Point Barrow, Alaska. Most of her crew were evacuated by aircraft (the first time a long-range air rescue was accomplished).




The Baychimo trapped in ice, November, 1931.


A group of hardy souls decided to stay with her until the spring thaw, as they'd collected a particularly valuable fur cargo that year. They built a shelter ashore, and settled in for several months of night.

On November 24 an exceptionally violent blizzard struck, surprising even the arctic veterans with its ferocity. In the morning, mountains of ice 70 feet high were piled where the ship had been. The Baychimo was gone, crushed under tons of ice and snow and sent to the bottom.

Or so they thought...

The men radioed for rescue, but it would take a few days. As they waited a passing Inupiat told them the ship was adrift several miles down the coast. They set out on foot, finding her again trapped in ice. They took as many pelts as they could before returning to the shelter. Another violent storm was coming, and they assumed it would sink her.

The Baychimo had other ideas.

The second storm pushed her out of the ice and into the open sea, free to wander the icy north alone.

Over the next several years she was infrequently seen, and rarely boarded. Some of the valuable furs were even removed. But no one was able to bring her in. Attempts to restart her engines failed, and storms (which some claimed the ship had summoned) always drove would-be salvagers away. In one harrowing case a group of Inupiat boarded her, only to have a sudden storm trap them on the derelict for 10 days.

She was seen every few years, and each time the assumption was made that it would be the last. Only to have her show up again. Scientists, hunters, and fishermen. Inupiat tribe members. Russian, American, & Canadian ships and planes. All reported her at one time or another as she wandered the Arctic waters.

She was last seen in the Beaufort Sea in 1969, having survived 38 years afloat and alone in one of the world's harshest environments.

Today it's assumed she's at the bottom, and I suspect they're right. But who knows? Alaska has begun trying to catalog the estimated 4000 wrecks along the state's shores, and maybe she'll be found.

Or maybe not.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again

So many people these days give up too easily. They try something once, it doesn't work, and so they don't bother to do it again.

It was therefore refreshing to read this news story, about an enterprising gentleman who was willing to try something a second time, after the first hadn't worked out.

Here's the link.

Thank you, Jennifer!

Order! Order in the court!

Mr. Old: "I can't run as fast. I play tennis 5 days a week, and my serve isn't as strong as it was years ago."

Dr. Grumpy: "Dave, you're 85. You can't expect to be the same person you were years ago. None of us can. The fact that you're as healthy and active as you are at 85 is remarkable in itself."

Lady Old: "Dave, listen to the doctor. We're both getting old. We need to accept that, and be glad for what we have."

Mr. Old: "OH! Like you're one to talk!"

Lady Old: "What do you mean by that?"

Mr. Old: "You're the one getting your boobs fixed, or some other procedure, every other month!"

Lady Old: "That's different! It's for my self esteem! So I don't feel old!"

Mr. Old: "It isn't any different! And your boob jobs and stuff are a hell of a lot more expensive than a round of tennis!"

Lady Old "Leave my breasts out of this! This is your appointment!"

Mr. Old "It's not like you ever let me go to yours!"

Nutritional supplements

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you on any medications?"

Mr. Farmdee: "No. I only take supplements that I get from my other doctor."

Dr. Grumpy: "What supplements?"

Mr. Farmdee: "Um... I think they're called Coumadin, Cardizem, and Zoloft."

Monday morning incontinence

Over the weekend they were doing a CPR class in my office building. I saw them bringing the resuscitation dummies in on Friday afternoon.





This morning I got to the building, parked, and sleepily walked to the elevator.

The door opened, revealing a head and torso - separated from each other - lying in it.

After my pulse returned to normal, I called the hospital to let them know they'd left one of the dummies in the building, and where to find it.

Sunday reruns

I'm busy with all kinds of junk today, so thought I'd re-post this one. It was from the days when I was my only reader.


First, let me say that I'm an experienced hiker. When I was in residency I'd hike all over, regardless of time of year. I've hiked pretty much all terrain short of tundra. I've hiked to mountaintops in temperatures of 110 degress. I'm well aware of what precautions have to be taken, supplies carried, amount of water, and other emergency precautions.

So I recently took Craig on a Boy Scout hike. I'm not a member of the den or any of that stuff. I'm just a parent who went on the hike with my kid. They told us to bring water, so I grabbed 2 of my old hiking bottles and we each took one, and some other junk, and took off.

The hike in total was a 2 mile round trip in a well maintained, ranger-patrolled, trail area.

We got to the meeting place, and I was AMAZED at what people were carrying for this pissy little hike on a surprisingly nice day. Water by the truckload. Cases of granola. Two people had backpacks with tents in them (no, rain was NOT forecast, or even suspected). Another guy was carrying a little coleman stove with a gas container (but no food to cook on it). There was a lady dragging a cooler with wheels on it, loaded with water (even though everyone had their own water bottle). Another bozo was even packing a BB gun, assumedly in case we ran into some dangerous, aggressive fauna, like a rabbit.

The leader was a guy in his late 50's with a beer belly, wearing a boy scout uniform. I have to say that nothing could possibly look more dorky on an adult male (not to mention a paunchy one). They say women love a man in uniform, but I don't think that's the uniform they mean.

So the leader introduces himself, and says he'll take the front of the line, and his grandson, who had been an Eagle scout, will be the back of the line. At that point he gestured to his grandson, who was a sullen, glaring, teenager with multiple piercings, a few tatoos, and a pack of cigarettes in his pocket. He was mumbling into a cell phone and exuded a sense that he would rather be having his nuts chopped off than following his dorky looking grandfather around on a hike.

And off we went. 40 people and enough supplies to survive a nuclear war, for a 2 mile hike (NOT a "3 hour tour"). It was scenic and fun, and took about an hour. The only unexpected happening was when we wandered out of the grandson's cell phone range and he began screaming bloody murder. The lady with the cooler offered him a bottle of water to cheer him up.

I was walking ahead of 2 dentists, who spent the time discussing different drilling techniques, the most pus they've ever seen in a dental abscess, and other interesting topics.

And so, at the end of this, we had to fill out a form for my son to get his hiking badge. As I've learned in the last year, the Boy Scouts award badges for the most mediocre of accomplishments, such as a 2 mile hike, attending a rodeo, or breathing. I think the badges would be more meaningful if they were for more challenging things, such as swimming the Amazon, kayaking over waterfalls, and hand-to-hand grizzly combat.

Instructions

Dear Mrs. Tremor,

I apologize for the misunderstanding concerning your medication.

When I wrote: "Take 1 each morning after you wake up", I meant to take it when you wake up, first thing in the morning, and are getting up for the day.

I DID NOT mean for you to take it when you get up to pee at 3:00 a.m., and are going back to bed. Or when you nod off after breakfast for 5 minutes, then wake up again. Or if you lie down for a nap after lunch and then wake up at 2:00 p.m. (which isn't in the morning anyway).

Thank you.

Urgent matters

Dr. Grumpy: "I'd like to start you on this medication because..."

I looked up. Mary is in the doorway. She never interrupts me when I'm with a patient unless it's urgent.

Mary: "Dr. Unka, from down the hall, is on the phone. Says he needs to talk to you right now."

Dr. Grumpy: "Thanks, Mary. Sorry, ma'am, let me just take this call." (picks up phone) "Hello?"

Dr. Unka: "Ibee, I've been meaning to tell you that your office door slams too loudly."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, I..."

Dr. Unka: "It's really distracting. Can you please call the building people to do something about it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure..."

Dr. Unka: "Thank you." (hangs up).

Can't argue with that

Last night I was reading EEGs at the hospital. They always have a patient form attached, to give you some background on why they're having the test.

So last night I found this.

(click to enlarge)

Trust me. I'm a doctor.

Just read this. Keep reading. It's worth it.

Thank you, Kim!

Specifics

Mrs. Senior: "I can remember exactly when my migraines started."

Dr. Grumpy: "And when was that?"

Mrs. Senior: "I guess when I was younger."

Why my staff hates me

Annie: "Sandy Hormone just called. She said you found a tiny aneurysm on her MRA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, it's too small to do anything about, so I'm just going to repeat the study in 6 months to see if it's changed."

Annie: "She wants to know if it's okay for her to have sex with the aneurysm?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Only if it pays for dinner."

My current patient and her husband...

Have just started arguing over which of them sneezes more loudly.

Where do I find these people?

CanUSA, land of idiot crooks

Yes, once again proving that stupidity and crime don't mix, we have this bozo from Ottawa.

While robbing a convenience store at knifepoint, he tripped and fell ON HIS OWN KNIFE, and is currently in critical condition.

Here's the story.

Thank you, Alison!

Mary's Desk, November 16, 2010

(guy walks in, stands at counter)

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mr. Gregorian: "I have an appointment today with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Sure... Wait. Sir, your appointment was last Monday. You missed it."

Mr. Gregorian: "No, it would be this Monday, because we went on daylight savings time this month."

Anatomy 101

Maybe I'm just a dumb old neurologist, and I sure don't know much about candy, but this here picture ain't lookin' right to me.





From Fail Blog.

Dear Dr. Imed,

Thank you for your referral of Mrs. Panik,

I'm writing and faxing you this expedited letter, and also left a message with your secretary, as I want to explain what happened yesterday. I'm sure you'll be hearing Mrs. Panik's side of the story soon enough.

My secretary, Mary, has a daughter who is a few years younger then mine. As a result, we give Mary our hand-me-downs when our kids outgrow them. This has been a satisfactory arrangement on all sides for several years (my kids get their hand-me-downs from my sister's kids).

So yesterday I brought in some things for Mary, but due to a busy day forgot to give them to her.

During my appointment with Mrs. Panik I went to get a blood pressure cuff. In doing so I accidentally knocked over the bag of clothes, spilling little girl Disney Princess undies all over the floor.

As I picked them up, Mrs. Panik suddenly stood up and accused me of being a pedophile. She wouldn't listen to my explanation, and said she didn't want to continue the appointment.

So far we haven't received any calls from the local police, but I wanted to alert you of this misunderstanding in case Mrs. Panik calls you.

Yours truly,

Ibee "Not a pedophile, I swear" Grumpy, M.D.

More great crooks

Okay, here's another tip for you budding criminals out there:

If you're planning on robbing a pharmacy (or pretty much anything) you should generally pick a getaway car that DOES NOT have your name on the license plate.

Unlike this bozo.

Thank you, Rebecca, for sending this in.

Weekend calls

Look, Mr. Ohseedee, the prescription I wrote you on Friday is for "Tylenol #3, 20 pills".

It DOES NOT say "Tylenol, 320 pills". I'm looking at my copy right now.

I'm well aware that Tylenol doesn't need a prescription. You don't need to tell me that. I swear, I would NOT have written you a prescription for regular Tylenol.

So there was no need to call me all freaking weekend to argue about it.

Just take it to the pharmacy if you won't take my word for it. They'll tell you the same thing.

Trust me. I'm a doctor.

You're almost out of time. Play with this.

While doing Christmakuh shopping last night, I saw this in the store.

Does anyone else think it needs a better name?

Is it hot down here? Or is it just me?

I'd like to thank PJ for bringing this important research to my attention.

In an effort to settle the question of whether or not laptop computers contribute to infertility, a research group attached temperature sensors to volunteers' scrotums and recorded how they changed when using a laptop. They did this with & without lap pads, and in various sitting positions.

How come these articles never say how much they paid the volunteers?

Here's the link.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Mr. Teevee: "I also want an ultrasound."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why do you want an ultrasound?"

Mr. Teevee: "I once saw it featured on the news for something."

Full service neurology

Dr. Grumpy: "When did the leg begin hurting?"

Mr. Sprint: "I'd just climbed down the ladder when..." (cell phone rings) "Sorry, Doc, hang on."

(answers phone) "Yeah? Oh, hi Pete. Uh-huh. I have no idea. I mean, I've got $4,000 in that account and need to transfer it. Yeah. Hold on, Pete, let me get some advice. Hey, Doc, for retirement what are you recommending right now? Roth IRA's? And what mutual funds are you telling people to invest in right now?"

Veteran's Day, 2010

This is my Grandfather. His name was Martin. He died in 2001, and I was fortunate to know him.




He was born in Poland, but his family was living in Austria when Hitler came to power. As Jews, the family knew they had to leave, and pooled their money to send the smartest child (his name was Irving) to America, with instructions to find a way to make a living in America, FAST, and then bring them all over one by one. Irving was 19 years old at the time, and only knew 1 distant cousin in the U.S.

Somehow he did it. That's a story in itself.

World War II was only a few month away when it was Marty's turn. He remembered being on an immigrant ship when it was stopped and searched by a Danish warship, and the passenger's fear that it might be a German ship coming to turn them back if war had broken out.

Many family members didn't get out, and vanished from history. Lost anonymously in a death camp, with millions of others.

Marty joined the family in Chicago. To gain citizenship quickly he volunteered for the Army, and served through the war. Because of his German background he wasn't allowed at the front, as there was concern about loyalty. He was stationed at Camp Pendleton, in California, guarding against a Japanese invasion that never came.

After the military he went through the struggles of returning to normalcy, at different times working as a fur salesman, a door-to-door vacuum salesman, and finally finding his career at a clock factory. He had 2 children, one of which is my mother (Hi, Mom!).

Thank you, veterans everywhere.

Boy, am I thirsty

I NEVER drink water from the toilet.

Blackdog doesn't seem to mind doing so, but I personally don't think it sounds healthy.

A scientific poll of the office staff, and a few drug reps and patients, found that 100% of people I saw today agreed that toilets should not, except under extreme circumstances, be considered a source of drinking refreshment.

Apparently, though, this isn't as common a belief as I'd like to think it is.

The city of Chandler, Arizona, has unveiled their new city hall building, which (I SWEAR!) includes signs in the bathrooms specifically telling people NOT TO DRINK FROM THE TOILET!!!

Here's the story. And thank you, Lee, for sending this in.

Mary's Desk, November 10, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Poll: "Yeah, I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Certainly. We can see you on Friday, or..."

Mr. Poll: "Hang on. Did he vote Republican or Democrat in last week's election?"

Mary: "I don't know. That's his business."

Mr. Poll: "I refuse to make an appointment until I know which side he's on."

Mary: "That's his private business."

Mr. Poll: "Goodbye, then." (hangs up).

"I got better"

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you allergic to any medications?"

Mr. Tia: "Plavix. I almost died when I took it."

Dr. Grumpy: "What are you taking now?"

Mr. Tia: "Plavix."

Dr. Grumpy: "You just said you almost died from it?!!!"

Mr. Tia: "I got used to it."

"Uh, I'm not buying the melons, just the tomatoes."

Thank you, Sarah, for sending this in.

A grocery store owed a lady a refund after she was overcharged for vegetables.

Why was she overcharged for vegetables? Because there was too much weight on the produce scale.

What was putting the extra weight on the produce scale?

The clerk was resting her breasts on it.

Really. Here's the story.

Mary, come shoot me. Now.

Dr. Grumpy: "... so that's the plan. Any questions about the back problem at this point?"

Mrs. Cerumen: "No, but my sister and I have been comparing notes, and I think she makes more earwax than I do. Is this normal?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, uh, I..."

Mrs. Cerumen (whips out cell phone): "Here's a picture of all the wax she dug out of her ears last week. Can you look in my ears and compare them to that?"

Reliable medical sources

Get 15% off Baby Phat Scrubs with code "phat_savings"

Mr. Gray: "I didn't bring my test results. My grandson said they were fine."

Dr. Grumpy: "Is he a doctor?"

Mr. Gray: "No, he's in high school. But he volunteers at the hospital."

Moron!

All right. Let's say you want to commit an armed robbery.

Before mugging someone would you consider it a good idea to fill out a detailed job application at the crime scene?

If you said "yes", then congratulations. You made Dr. Grumpy's blog.

Here's the article. And thank you, Shannon, for sending this in.

Phone message, Sunday night, 9:55 p.m.

"Hi, this is Myra Noshow. I'm reviewing my calenders, and found I missed an appointment with Dr. Grumpy on July 25, 2007, at 1:30. I just called to say I'm sorry. Thank you."

More amazing research

Yes, folks, in a study that's going to shock you, the Journal of Psychological Science is reporting that psychopaths have:

(drumroll, please)

Difficulty with social behaviors!

Really. They did a study to learn this.

Here's the article.

Thank you, Doris, for sending this in!

Grumpy, reversed

Obviously, I can only tell the story from the office side of patient interactions. But weirdness goes both ways, as my reader Webhill recently wrote me:


I was at home last week, when my phone rang.

Webhill: "Hello?"

Miss Hyper: "Hi! I'm calling from Dr. Nutstaff's office to remind you of your appointment tomorrow."

Webhill: "Huh? I don't have an appointment with Dr. Nutstaff tomorrow. It's on Thursday.".

Miss Hyper: "Oh, yeah. Whenever it is. I'm calling about it."

Webhill: "Okay, what about it?"

Miss Hyper: "I'm calling to remind you about it."

Me: "Okay... Anything else?"

Miss Hyper: "Nope! See you tomorrow!"

Webhill: "I don't have an appointment tomorrow!"

Miss Hyper: "I was just saying that. You know what I mean. When did you say you're appointment is?"

Webhill: "Thursday at 11:30."

Miss Hyper: "Yes, whenever it is. I just wanted to call and remind you."

Webhill: "Thank you for reminding me."

Miss Hyper: "You're welcome. Have a nice day."

Great pharmacy moments

I stopped by the pharmacy last night to pick up my Sarcasma prescription, and was waiting in line.


Mrs. Scope: "I have a few questions about this."

Cash register girl: "Sure. Why don't you step over to the counseling window for privacy, and the pharmacist will be right with you?"

Mrs. Scope: "Oh, for crying out loud. You just handed me a humungous plastic Golytely container. Unless everyone else in line is blind, they've figured out what I'm having next week."

Now THIS is news

With all the hoopla over the election results this week, people are losing track of what constitutes REAL news stories.

Thank you to Stargirl65 for sending this in, as it reminds us of the stories that are really important when keeping track of the world around us.

I'm just putting up the link. Because I can't think of anything I could say about this that would make it any more amazing. Be sure to read the whole story, and not just the synopsis.

Click here.

Taking legal action

As you may remember, Dr. Pissy's dog and I had a conflict earlier this week. So today I put this letter on his desk...


Craven, Cretin, & Klutz, P.C.
Attorneys at Law

November 5, 2010

I. M. Pissy, M.D.
7291 N. Headache St.
Grumpyville, CX 34611

RE: Legal Action of Grumpy vs. Pissy

Dear Dr. Pissy,

Our firm has been retained by Dr. Grumpy in a legal action against you pursuant to the events of November 1, 2010.

On that date a canine possession of yours ("Fancy") pooped in Dr. Grumpy's exam room. This is in violation of federal regulations #1, #7, and #3,748,425-A, and caused Dr. Grumpy severe emotional denoberation, mental discombobulation, oderiferous substance exposure, fulminant social embarrassment, and a bunch of other polysyllabic words.

After careful consideration of legal options, including a $10 billion lawsuit for emotional damages, we've decided on the following out-of-court settlement:

"Blackdog", a 65 lbs. canine possession of Dr. Grumpy's of undetermined genetic nature (i.e. a "mutt"), shall be allowed into YOUR exam room to poop on the floor following lunch on November 10, 2010. Laxatives will be used to ensure the settlement is equitable.

If this settlement is acceptable to you, please have your attorney call their attorney who will then call our attorney who will then notify us, and we will make the necessary arrangements to transport Blackdog.

We hope this resolves the issue. Please contact us for any questions.

Your's truly,

Oksana "Oksi" Kontin
Legal Assistant to Mr. Klutz.

Land shark

The medical world is unpredictable. Patients (and doctors) sometimes get angry for no good reason.

Veterinarians deal with crazy humans, but also run the risk of being attacked by pets. Most 4-legged things bite.

But when you hear about staff at a vet's office being bitten, you DON'T expect another homo sapiens to be involved.

Until now.

Yes, folks, a lady in Florida brought her Shih-Tzus to the vet for grooming. And when they weren't ready as fast as she wanted them to be, she went canine on the staff, biting them repeatedly.

I'm not making this up. Here's the story.

It doesn't say if she's up-to-date on her shots, but I suspect she'll be quarantined for a while.

Thank you, Jackie, for sending this in.

Great office moments

Dr. Grumpy: "What kind of work did you used to do?"

Mr. Tympanic "What?"

Dr. Grumpy: "What Kind Of Work Did You Used To Do?"

Mr. Tympanic (looks at wife) "What did he say?"

Lady Tympanic: "HE ASKED YOU WHAT KIND OF WORK YOU USED TO DO!!!"

Mr. Tympanic: "Oh, I tested explosives."

Medical miracles

Wow! A new study done by Belch drug company found that their epilepsy drug is most effective when combined with their OTHER epilepsy drug (but not when combined with their competitors' drugs).

Who could have seen that coming?

Great parents

Mrs. Tude: "I think you know my daughter, Cindy. She works at the hospital."

Dr. Grumpy: "Maybe... What does she look like?"

Mrs. Tude: "A lot like me, except she's fatter and uglier."

I'm SO flattered

This was on a new patient form yesterday afternoon.

Puttin' on the ritz

Dr. Pissy's wife has a little black mop of a dog named Fancy. Mrs. Pissy is never without her.

Yesterday one of Dr. Pissy's staff was out, so Mrs. Pissy came in to help. And, of course, she brought Fancy.

Fancy spent most of the time trapped in the break room, but during lunch was allowed to roam the office since there weren't any patients.

After she was cooped up again I brought my 1:00 back, and gave him directions. "Go on back, 2nd room on the right, have a seat and I'll be with you in a sec" (I wanted to get a Diet Coke).

So after I had a can, I headed back to my office. The patient was standing in the hallway.

"Uh, doc, do you know there's a pile of dog shit in your office?"

Mary's Desk, November 1, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Mary."

Ms. Nitpick: "Yes, I'd like to make a follow-up with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, we have a 4:30 tomorrow afternoon."

Ms. Nitpick: "That won't work. It's too early. How about 5:00?"

Mary: "No, I'm sorry, but the doctor leaves at 5:00 each day to do hospital work."

Ms. Nitpick: "What about 4:45?"

Mary: "Our last follow-up slot is at 4:30."

Ms. Nitpick: "What about 4:35?"

Early morning hospital rounds

Phil is an old patient of mine. He's demented, and on the occasions where he lands in the hospital he becomes confused and hallucinates.

So whenever he's in I drop by to make things aren't getting out of hand.

Last night, while out trick-or-treating, I got called from ER. He was coming in for breathing problems, and they wanted me to do my usual visit in case he flakes out.

So on my way into the office this morning I swung by the hospital.


Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Phil. How ya doin'?"

Phil: "Dr. Grumpy! Thank God you're here!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Phil: "I've been having TERRIBLE problems with your staff."

Dr. Grumpy: "Really? What happened?"

Phil: "Mary and Annie came to visit me last night!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh-huh..." (this is already a bad sign. Neither of them lives anywhere near the hospital).

Phil: "Mary held me down! And then Annie beat me up! And then they poisoned my coffee! You need to do something about this!"


I can't wait till Mary and Annie come in today and I can ask what they did for Halloween. I'd naively assumed they were out with their kids, too.