As you may remember, Dr. Pissy's dog and I had a conflict earlier this week. So today I put this letter on his desk...
Craven, Cretin, & Klutz, P.C.
Attorneys at Law
November 5, 2010
I. M. Pissy, M.D.
7291 N. Headache St.
Grumpyville, CX 34611
RE: Legal Action of Grumpy vs. Pissy
Dear Dr. Pissy,
Our firm has been retained by Dr. Grumpy in a legal action against you pursuant to the events of November 1, 2010.
On that date a canine possession of yours ("Fancy") pooped in Dr. Grumpy's exam room. This is in violation of federal regulations #1, #7, and #3,748,425-A, and caused Dr. Grumpy severe emotional denoberation, mental discombobulation, oderiferous substance exposure, fulminant social embarrassment, and a bunch of other polysyllabic words.
After careful consideration of legal options, including a $10 billion lawsuit for emotional damages, we've decided on the following out-of-court settlement:
"Blackdog", a 65 lbs. canine possession of Dr. Grumpy's of undetermined genetic nature (i.e. a "mutt"), shall be allowed into YOUR exam room to poop on the floor following lunch on November 10, 2010. Laxatives will be used to ensure the settlement is equitable.
If this settlement is acceptable to you, please have your attorney call their attorney who will then call our attorney who will then notify us, and we will make the necessary arrangements to transport Blackdog.
We hope this resolves the issue. Please contact us for any questions.
Your's truly,
Oksana "Oksi" Kontin
Legal Assistant to Mr. Klutz.
We have a couple of vomiting cats we'd be happy to send along in case your attorneys need to up the ante.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, we're suing you for laundry costs incurred by repeatedly washing underpants after reading your blog.
Mom and Kid
Ah, revenge via legal means. I hate to tell you this but in my line of work (and future work) finding feces in exam rooms is an everyday occurence. Thankfully they are from our patients and not their owners. That would be, well, ew. I bet it has happened though...
ReplyDeleteAnyway. You gave me a good laugh this morning. :)
Don't forget to add the fed x fees to transfer paperwork from his office to yours, that will be another $12 billion.
ReplyDeleteHopefully this will make Pissy laugh just as hard as I did.
ReplyDeleteIf he doesn't, get him to ortho - his funny bone is broken! ;)
I'm guessing the 65# dog's poop is bigger than any dog named "Fancy"...
ReplyDeleteI think little yap yap dogs should be illegal....
LOL... Does Dr. Pissy read this blog?
ReplyDeleteHell no. He lives it with me. Every day.
ReplyDeleteDr G, you just *have* to let us know what his response was!
ReplyDelete(Enquiring minds want to know and all that)
wv: ferhkkas - what you said when you spied the poop... hehe
I am afraid Cooper and Snowball will be jealous if you just pick Blackdog to do this important task for you.
ReplyDeleteBlackdog is bigger than both of them combined.
ReplyDeleteIf Blackdog doesn't adequately fulfill your litigious expectations, consider sending the GrumpyKids into his office, pre-primed with a bucket of halloween candy, 12 pack of diet Coke, a new box of markers, a 48 pound bucket of Playdoh and the instruction to "have fun"
ReplyDeleteI love the polysyllabic words. So legalese.
ReplyDeleteHaha, excellent! Now to make a list of things Blackdog should not miss to eat before the, err, settlement...
ReplyDeleteDid you really give him this letter? or did you just share it with us?
ReplyDeleteI gave it to him. He just hung it up in the break room.
ReplyDeleteThere is an online company that you an order lifelike poop to be delivered. It is something I have considered, mostly in my most irrationally pissed moments (driving).
ReplyDeleteDr. Pissy rocks.
Gee, I didn't know Oksi worked for you....I thought she only worked for the pain doc.
ReplyDeleteMay Blackdog have a prolific day...or perhaps you should gift wrap a selection of his/her favorite
"returns" for the holidays. '-P
Our horse is named Fancy. Would you like to borrow her for your lawsuit? Fancy poop for fancy poop.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who works at the zoo - I understand some of the quadruped mammals there produce poopiles of truly staggering proportions. I can make my interns do the packaging and shipping if you're interested in contributions. The thought of Dr Pissy's expression when he finds a pile of freeze-dried elephant dung in the center of his desk ...
ReplyDeleteOh, and human poo is the worst to deal with. As I'm sure others in the med field can verify, especially that caused by C. diff.
Hmmm...wv is "zitives." Is this some hellish combination of zits and hives?
I say put Blackdog on a massive dose of NSAIDs and force a melanotic stool. That will get Dr. Pissy's attention.
ReplyDeleteDr. Grumpy - you crack me up :-)
ReplyDeleteLMFAO @ Oksi Kontin!
ReplyDeletePissy is gonna submit your letter to PassiveAggressiveNotes.com and the world will come full circle.
ReplyDeleteOr you could unleash the GrumpyKids with two buckets of gouache paint each XD. Make sure to have a hose handy for the kids after.
ReplyDeleteYou should have used my attorneys--Dewey, Cheetham and Howe. You would have gotten a better settlement. :)
ReplyDeleteLMAO!!!
ReplyDeleteLOL - Way to stick it to him... ;-)
ReplyDeletewhat do you want him to say? "I'm really really sorry, I apologise unreservedly." to get that, you have to dangle him out the window.
ReplyDeleteI just snorted coffee through my nose and scalded my nostrils because of your letter to Dr. Pissy. I think I'll get in touch with your law firm, Doc, and see what they can do for me.
ReplyDeleteLOLOLOLOLOL
I really enjoy the fact that he hung it in the break room. That has so much win.
ReplyDeletei had to go out of town for a wedding and left computer home for two weeks ... finally reading my fave
ReplyDeleteya'll are so funny
my mom told me her senior class gave a cow exlax and took it up 3 flights of stairs at her high school in washington state (in the early 50's). needless to say school was cancelled because of the smell for a few days.
i would have enjoyed seeing someone lead a cow upstairs.
Well, I got the Jenny/867-5309 song out of my head way quicker than expected when I started singing-
ReplyDelete"Oksi Kontin, you are a friend of mine
I like to take you with a little Fentanyl and wine..."
Ibee, I actually swing the other way and I know you're already married, but would you marry me? This incredible amount of comic brilliance may never be topped.