(drumroll please...)
The Dr. Grumpy Guide to Holiday Shopping!
I'd like to thank the catalog companies who have inundated my home with their wares, and the readers who have sent in ideas, to help me guide you.
This tradition started last year because patients routinely call my office asking if we have any gift ideas (NO! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHY THEY CALL ME!!!), so I figure many of you are dying to do the same.
So I'm here to help you, my loyal readers, find some of the best gifts out there, and will present them over the next few weeks.
Last year's most (un)popular item, based on comments, was this tasteful set of mens' clothes. In all honesty, I'm not sure I'll be able to top them, but will try.
So, to kick off your holiday shopping, I'm starting with 2 exquisite items, both from the same site.
Artist Leah Piepgras (who I don't know at all) apparently felt the world needed a set of dishes displaying the human digestive tract. Each place setting features 5 dishes, with individual pictures of various organs "from mouth to anus". Her site lists them as an "exercise in mindfulness", though I personally see it as a way to encourage dieting.
This, for example, is the dinner plate featuring intestines.
To see the rest of these awesome plates, or even to order your own set, you can visit her site. Move your cursor over the plates to see the different anatomy pics.
Not into dinnerware? Well, Ms. Piepgras also has a lovely silver necklace available. Namely this:
Yes, I know you're wondering "What the heck is that?"
Well, according to her site, it's "an accurate representation of semen" (REALLY!) in case you enjoy looking like someone just ejaculated on your sternal notch. She has 2 different blob-o-semen shapes available. Both can be viewed here.
The donor is uncredited.
You know, I can sort of understand some people (NOT me, and I feel the need to make that perfectly clear) wanting to have an accurate representation of their significant others genetic material hanging around their neck, but I don't think that having some random stranger's (for want of a better word) spooge is really apropos in ANY social circle.
ReplyDeletespeechless ... totally speechless - and why would anyone want that 5th plate ...
ReplyDeleteI'm planning on ordering some plastinated body parts stuck on neck chains. Yummy!
ReplyDeleteYep-still funny!
ReplyDeleteI'm all for sex, love, and rock-n-roll, why would someone want a "physical reminder of [someone else's] fleeting moment of pleasure" on display for all to see?!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I do have to admit I wonder how one would make a cast of semen.
A friend had a fire in his repair shop several years ago, i have a keepsake blob of aluminum that looks like the sperm sample. Used to be a Porsche Carrera Twin turbo, now it's a key fob.
ReplyDeletesic semper transit...
That's awesome. If ZZ Top's "Pearl Necklace" is a favorite song of someone you hold dear, you can now give them one for the world to see.
ReplyDeleteOf you could hold out for the feces belt buckle. Of the scab earrings. How about a "stream of urine" scarf?
Puts a whole new light on "getting a pearl necklace" for Christmas !
ReplyDeleteOMG, truly the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. My dogs do some really gross things too, perhaps she wants to put those on a plate?
ReplyDeleteWelp, I know what my X-Mas gift to the GF will be.
ReplyDelete..It's the plates; get your minds out of the gutter :P
The plates could generally be better appreciated by all, not just the people who'd be struck dumb by the last bite of chocolate mousse revealing quite clearly a rectum, if they were printed a little more hazily. The colors are sort of pretty. I mean, staring at linoleum patterns from the 60's we used to be able to make out a complete map of the western hemisphere, or a woman hanging out the wash on a clothesline, or old man Beaner getting ready for the annual moose hunt.
ReplyDeleteAs for the pearlized necklace, I'd be more inclined to think of it as a serous blob from a knee joint, or sample of some other viscous clear fluid. I wonder what the less expensive knock-offs are calling it.
Like the other response, one would rather the item be personalized if it related to a specific bodily function like that, not some random sample. Maybe, a personal jewelry service that handles goldleafed gallstone, or brass-covered tophus for a pinki ring, or rose quartz broach representing
the shape of my husband's extracted toenail.
Blech!
I dunno ~ I think the first 4 plates are kinda cool!
ReplyDeleteLove the plates. The necklace, no.
ReplyDeleteAhaha, how awful and fascinating!
ReplyDeleteOMG. That is all.
ReplyDeleteHow does she come up with that kind of stuff? Additionally--why would she think someone would actually want to buy something like that?
ReplyDeleteGood Lord, I can't wait to see what you have on the docket for tomorrow's Guide.
LoL @ goldleaf gallstone
ReplyDelete"the donor is uncredited" HA!
ReplyDeleteand the price! $750 for 5 plates... wow. And that's all I have to say about that.
ReplyDelete$750 for a five place setting - no money left for food - but it's worth it.
ReplyDeleteHa! my captcha is xemin! I am destined to buy the necklace too!
I thought the plates would be cool, but not for $750 FOR THE FIVE PLATE SET!!
ReplyDeletewv: reddam
The semen thingy probably does not even come from a human, err, model.
ReplyDeleteMongolian Yak, maybe?
Perhaps a herder might be able to provide some insight?
I am definitely on a diet after seeing those plates....blehh!
ver: humpla (!)
Do I even need to make a comment?
Thought not.
These would make pretty good "White Elephant" gifts if not for the price!
ReplyDeleteOn this general subject can I please refer you to the song "The Captain's Wife's Lament", being the last song of the album "Do you like Star Wars" that you can listen to here for free: http://www.paulandstorm.com/songs/
ReplyDeleteI have some other tasteful jewellery and gentlemen's clothing ideas based on this same concept. Not-quite matching earrings, maybe? A tasteful hairgrip? A nose piercing, perhaps?
For the gentlemen, a specially shaped tie pin, perhaps?
I sent the link to this entry to a friend of mine.
ReplyDeleteHer response?
"Oddly, I knew exactly what it was supposed to be even before I read the caption."
I must say I am impressed.
That necklace.... woah.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that this truly IS a great country.
nik
Reminds me of the patient who insisted showing his wife his x-ray that was just done..."what's that white stuff?"
ReplyDelete"Just gas", the doc replied.
And his film looked a whole lot like that plate.
Be careful what you wish for!
Well, that would make for quite the awkward dinner-table conversation, wouldn't it, when Cousin James demands to know why he got the Asshole Plate.
ReplyDeleteDamn, wish I would have found this during my peds clerkship! I would have given the plate showing the rectum to the moron residant I had to work with! On the back I would write "this is what you are, an ass!!"
ReplyDeleteDoes she have a wedding registery?
ReplyDelete