Saturday, April 24, 2010

On call- tips from the trenches

The following is a public service announcement.

I'm not personally into hookers and cheap motels. If you are, I don't care. It's just not my thing.

It is important, however, to keep in mind that those rooms are generally NOT used by people who have any need to look in the rooms' closets. After all, they're only renting them for 20-30 minutes.

So as a result, sometimes a homeless alcoholic can (hypothetically speaking of course) live in the closet of one of those rooms, undetected, for weeks.

Like all people, they might get sick. There's always a lot of crud going around.

So, if their timing is off, they might wander out of the closet, and vomit all over a hypothetical couple using the bed to conduct a business transaction.

Since nothing kills the mood of cheap sex faster than being covered in barf, Mr. John and his girlfriend-for-hire might hypothetically grab their clothes and run out of the room, followed by Mr. Drunk, who passes out in the parking lot.

He eventually might be found and brought to Local Hospital, where he (hypothetically of course) could have an alcoholic seizure, and so a neurologist was consulted (I mean, uh, might be consulted, since this is, a um, hypothetical case).

So, guys: if this is your sort of thing, please check the closet first. Your date won't mind, I swear.

If you find someone living in it, just ask for another room. It may save me a trip to the hospital.


Loki said...

So, just another normal day on call?

Me said...

Once again, you prove that real life is stranger than fiction.

Don said...

As someone who likes living in cheap motels while on the road consulting, I have yet to see one of these places that HAVE a closet. What I usually do to save space is to wrap my office clothes in a cheap tarp and put it under the bed. But I always check for monsters/corpses/cash first.

Unknown said...

Please. Regardless of which character you might be in this melodrama, under no circumstances call the police. We're busy and we don't want to know about it. Really. Please. Thanks.

Li'l Azathoth said...

This is only going to get worse once johns start paying in chickens.

Medical Mojave said...

Oh this is too funny. Is there a Chicken Soup for the Doctor's Soul book? They need to do one and this post should be in it.


Anonymous said...

dr g- it actually costs extra to have the puke monkey in the closet. remember, the customer is always right.

Anonymous said...

So who do you want to play you in the movie about your (everyday run of the mill doctors)life??!
Please tell us!

The Rotating Intern said...

Oh, my God.

Too bad it wasn't Tom Cruise. Then R. Kelly could have showed up and start singing about being in the closet and pulling out his gun.

gabbiana said...

Oh. God.

Nectarine said...

As though the possibility of contracting an STI wasn't enough of a health risk already!

ERP said...

Jeeze, I hope they got a refund!

Ginger said...

That did it. You have just convinced me to quit my SAHM gig and return to the ED, STAT. I'm missing ALL the fun!

I once had a prostitute (pt) who smashed her fist into the face of a drunk homeless guy (also a pt) who puked on her as she was... um... conducting business right by his box condo. John ran off before she had collected, thus the ensuing nose and metacarpal fx.

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