Monday, June 6, 2011

Dr. Cortex is out of town...

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Tuningfork: "Hi! I see Dr. Cortex! And my face feels like it's vibrating!"

Dr. Grumpy: "How long has your face been vibrating?"

Mr. Tuningfork: "25 years!"

Dr. Grumpy: "So why are you calling now?"

Mr. Tuningfork: "Because it's REALLY bad today! I'm afraid it may fall off!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, I assure you that your face won't fall off."

Mr. Tuningfork: (angry) "How do you know?!!! Has your face ever vibrated?!!!"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, but..."

Mr. Tuningfork: "Look! I didn't call to argue with you! I just want to know what to do if my face does fall off? Should I get help? Or tape it back on? Or what?"

Long pause

Dr. Grumpy: "If it falls off, put it in an ice chest and go to the nearest ER immediately."

Mr. Tuningfork: "Okay! Cool! Thanks doc! I'll get one ready, just in case!"

(hangs up)

23 comments:

skidmark said...

Doctors are always telling us to call if there are "side effects" we are not sure could be bad (or worse). How was Mr. Tuningfork supposed to know what to do when his chronic symptom suddenly became worse? I know! Let's call the doctor and ask!

How would you react to a patient whose (for instance) migraine aura has always been seeing a few bright spots, but today suddenly it resembles the finale at the 4th of July fireworks display, not calling to check in with you about the change? Just how long would your lecture last?

Sorry to yank your chain so hard, but you blew this one.

stay safe.

Anonymous said...

Patient called and asked for advice.
Appropriate advice (no, it wont fall off) is given.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. The fact that the patient then decides to argue with the advice is where the entertainment comes in...

Anonymous said...

thanks,I just spewed coffee all over my keyboard.My feet constantly feel like they're vibrating,my Dr just says it's neuropathy but he never told me what to do if they fall off,
duct tape? or ice chest?LOL

Packer said...

That ice chest advice works most everytime, but you forgot the most important part. Take your beer out of the ice chest before putting your face in it.

PA Honeybee said...

I think a reasonable person would truly think about the logic (or lack thereof) of a person's face falling off unless cut off. I mean, do they think it would be painless? What about the dermis, hypodermis, nerves, and blood vessels, would they be exposed or woudl all the layers come off together? Perhaps I think more reasonably-or maybe I'm in the medical/pharmacy field!

Old MD Girl said...

Grump, every time you write about Dr. Cortex, I read Dr. Kotex. It makes me do a double take every time.

bobbie said...

For real??? Wowser!

ERP said...

I like the taping back on idea.

PA Honeybee said...

I forgot to ask, what did you do after you hung up? Laugh? Tell Mrs. Grumpy then proceed to laugh together? Shake your head dumbfounded?

I did the latter after I picked my jaw up off the floor and unscrunched my forehead-which due to the sheer force of my reaction, now requires Botox. LOL

Word verification: minteeat-sounds like mint flavored dessert!

Anonymous said...

Ask him to wear some sort of mask while making his way to the ER with his face in the ice box too...

A Doc 2 Be said...

Dr. Ducttape FTW!

Haven said...

^Dr. Ducttape ... that's amazing.


::laughs:: Was this guy really serious? Was Dr. Cortex a Pdoc by chance? haha

Moose said...

I am constantly amazed at the medically impossible things that people are absolutely sure can happen. I've been running a mailing list for diabetics for 20 yrs and at least once a year someone posts about how if they get air in their insulin syringe it will make a bubble that will get in their heart and they will DIE!!!

('cause, you know, if it happens on tv or in the movies, it's medical FACT!)

The Mother said...

NO!

When someone's face falls off, you have to glue it back on immediately with superglue. Surely they taught you that in neurology school????

ThorMD said...

I think I saw this guy in the ED yesterday. He said that he was concerned that his face might vibrate so hard that it would fall off. I asked him if he called his doctor and he said that "Dr Grumpy told him that if it got worse, he should come to the ED".

Thanks for the dump Dr. Grumpy :-)

Outre said...

Hahah Moose,

I don’t even think insulin syringes are capable of holding enough air to actually cause air embolism even when used to inject into vein. I forgot the minimum mL of air that will cause air embolism.

I think the min. may be in the double digits.

I’d be tempted to respond back in a way that’d scare people more while delivering facts.

Anonymous said...

Actually Moose, an air embolus can stop the heart but it requires an intravenous air embolus of at least 20 mL to do it.
One of the things I learnt in pathology lectures that I never forgot, even though I didn't write it down.

terri c said...

Mr Tuningfork is now an Empowered Patient. He asked for the information he wanted and is complying with physician recommendations. Further, he is NOT asking for IV Dilaudid. Nor did he tell you your advice was wrong based on Google. He sounds like the perfect patient even if he IS crayzee. I wish I could see Dr Cortex's face when Mr Tuningfork shares this conversation.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @ 8:35: Staplegun.

Hopalong Ginsberg

Tracy said...

What confounds me most is that Mr. Tuningfork is already seeing a neurologist and believes face fall-off is a possibility. The vibrating, okay - a lot of people with small and fast fasciculations describe them as making them feel like they are vibrating - but presumably this man knows what he has and the nature of his vibrations? Though I suppose if he never thought to ask if his face would fall off, Dr. Cortex never thought to answer.

This might be the most entertaining blog I read.

Anonymous said...

You're too kind, Dr Grumpy. I would have said something like "Have you got a staple gun?"

C said...

I hope I do not get this...

Anonymous said...

Very late, but: isn't that a question that should have been answered by a surgeon? Should've given the number of one of your "favorites".

 
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