Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Mrs. Grumpy is going to kill me

English is an odd language. Being a native speaker, it seems pretty easy to me. But I'm generally lousy at other languages. I took 2 years of Spanish in high school and 4 in college, and I still can't speak it worth crap.

As you guys know, I moonlight doing medical market research interviews. Some are over the internet, some are in person, and some are by phone.

Some of the phone meetings have been outsourced overseas, so occasionally I find myself chatting with someone who speaks English, but with a non-American accent. Occasionally it's someone to whom English is a second language, though usually they're still quite good at it. And that's the situation I found myself in yesterday morning.

The study was on my interactions with drug reps, given by a lady with a mild, nonspecific, accent, but her English was still quite good and understandable. Unfortunately, it was also very old-style, and oddly formal, with phrases and words that aren't used much among modern English speakers. Understandable words, just a little odd.

Most of them were minor, but one was an issue. She used the old word for personal interaction.

Which is "intercourse".

Yes, I know it can mean ANY kind of personal interaction, and the technical phrase for sex is "sexual intercourse". But it's been shortened over time, to where now intercourse just means you're doing the wild thing.

And I'm a veteran of crazy patients, and having to keep a straight face. And I freaking lost it here, (thank heavens for the phone mute button) and at one point had to run to the john to keep from peeing myself (I told her I was going for a Diet Coke).

Here are some of the questions:



"How many times a day do you have intercourse with drug reps?"

My inner voice: It's variable, depending on the time left after I have intercourse with patients.



"If a drug rep provides lunch for your office, are you more likely to have intercourse with them?"

My inner voice: My standards aren't that high. If she's hot, I don't care if she brings prime rib or Taco Bell.



"Do any of your staff members also have intercourse with drug reps?"

My inner voice: Oh yeah, we have a non-stop orgy here. Nowadays I just wear a silk robe to work.



"During intercourse, did the rep provide you with insurance formulary information?"

My inner voice: If she did, I was too preoccupied to notice.



"Following intercourse, did the rep provide you with medication samples?"

My inner voice: No, but we shared a cigarette.



Wait until Mary and Annie find out I had intercourse with a marketing person yesterday. Of course, then I'll be having intercourse with them, too.

43 comments:

Old MD Girl said...

This is the funniest post I have read in AGES.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Old MD Girl- Sheesh! What are my other posts?

For REALLY funny you should read some of the other comments on that hideous pair of pants from yesterday.

The Good Cook said...

I would have lost it too. And I don't have a mute button. This reminds me of a friend of mine whose mother immigrated here after World War II from Ireland. When she first arrived here she told me she had to rely on the kindness of stranglers.

Old MD Girl said...

That's a testament to the funniness of this post, not the lack of funniness of your other ones!

(shakes head)

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Old MD Girl- Thank you. I feel better now.

I'll stop crying and trying to drown myself in the vat of chocolate covered pretzels that got dropped off yesterday (both white AND milk chocolate, too!)

Anonymous said...

Don't tell me about chocolate covered pretzels unless you are going to share!!!!!

nRT said...

That is too flipping funny. You made my day. Thanks

Grumpy, M.D. said...

You're welcome. It's always a pleasure having cyber-intercourse with my readers.

Falconer said...

I made this mistake in high school, during a Future Problem Solving team meet. English is my native language, but my vocab is sometimes archaic; I forget what exactly I said, only I used the word "intercourse" and made the primmest girl in school giggle -- quite unintentionally, of course.

Anonymous said...

uh oh...I don't have to tell my boyfriend about this, do I? Seriously, we just had unprotected intercourse.

Lilorfnannie said...

Oh my goodness, that was FUNNY!!!! hahahahaha- Hey now I can say I had intercourse today ;-)

Jacqueline said...

We need a Grumpy shirt that says "I have cyber intercourse with Dr. Grumpy"

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Jacqueline- Good idea. I'll have to work on that this weekend.

Chrysalis Angel said...

You kill me. There should be a warning on this site, not to have any beverages while reading.

I'm picturing you walking around now at the office, not in a white coat (not that you do), but a white robe saying, "Next!" ;)

Julie said...

so did you, at the end of the interview, suggest that she uses an alternative word to other unsuspecting drs? or are you going to let them suffer too?

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Julie- I didn't say anything. Who am I to keep another doc from having intercourse with her?

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Julie- Shouldn't you be in bed young lady, instead of having cyber-intercourse with me?

It's the middle of the freaking night there!

Christy said...

Too damn funny!! Who sees (or hears) these questions and answers???

KateAllison said...

This reminds me of something funny. The original definition of ejaculate was "spontaneous prayers" to god. Ironic in so many ways. Words change meanings over time, and in some cases very short time. How many people are there named Dick? Anyone under the age of 50?

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Christy- I have no idea. They always say the interview is being recorded. I assume someone out there is peeing their pants listening to it right now.

Flavius said...

So.. if you get paid for these 'intercourses' does that make you a prostitute? Hmm...

Very funny post, made me laugh which is what I needed before my pharmaceutics test. Thank you, Dr. Grumpy!

-Flavius

Barb said...

OMG, that is a really funny post. And I'm glad you take your intercourse with patients seriously. Unfortunately, my next "medical intercourse" scheduled is a mammogram. Not the most fun type of intercourse.

Ed Adams said...

Doctors ALWAYS get all the good action.

Well, doctors and Tiger Woods.

D. said...

Your Inner Voice is a Bad Man.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

D.- I know. Fortunately for me, we evolved frontal lobes to help keep him quiet.

HeatherLynn said...

that's quite a lot of "intercourse" you're having over there....

I had "intercourse" with two ups men, one divorce client, three attorneys, one office girl and the guy in the drive-thru line at wendy's....

it's been a busy day thus far, but I'm highly looking forward to the rest of my afternoon, so many people...so little time.

How on earth did you manage to not just ASK this woman, "are you asking me if I have sex with drug reps?" I wouldn't of been able to do it, I'd of never made it through the whole interview....

my favorite:
Following intercourse, did the rep provide you with medication samples?"

My inner voice: No, but we shared a cigarette.

great post Dr. G.

~hl~
{www.hoscorners.blogspot.com}

Cheryl said...

Yep, she's gonna kill you!

Helen said...

I'm late catching up with your blog today.

This is awesome.

Mary K said...

Dr. G I think that is one of the funniest posts of yours that I have ever read. Don't get me wrong, they are all funny but this one is at the top the list! I have to stop reading your blog while drinking my coffee in the moring, I always end up choking or making a mess on my computer screen!

Thank you so much for this blog, it is truly a bright spot in my day!

lisaj said...

You definitely need a "Spew Alert" on posts like this! Too funny!

Carmella said...

Long time reader, first time commenter: I love reading your blog. This was the funniest post yet.

Frank, CPhT said...

Suddenly I am picturing doctors walking around my hospital dressed in Hugh Heffner-esque robes, heading off to have intercourse with their patients. And my sick mind keeps saying "The economy has fallen apart so bad, that doctors have resorted to intercourse for payment."

ER's Mom said...

My frontal lobe's not working so well, so I'm impressed that you were able to keep the snark to a minimum.

Mr. Knucklehead said...

You really should have told her what the deal is with that word. Then again, why deprive the next doctor of a few laughs?

Janna said...

"Nowadays I just wear a silk robe to work."

That's way better than those flimsy hospital gowns that only open in the back.
Unless...

:)

Phi Delta Chi's finest said...

I have been reading your posts for quite a while and I've NEVER been compelled to comment -- until now.

This is the funniest thing a human has every written -- right up there with the now-defunct firejoemorgan(dot)(com).

Unreal, Doc. Unreal.

Alan said...

Very, very funny. Especially the Hugh Hefner/silk robe reference:

"Do any of your staff members also have intercourse with drug reps?"

My inner voice: Oh yeah, we have a non-stop orgy here. Nowadays I just wear a silk robe to work.

Too funny.

Thank you for the laugh.

Phi Delta Chi's finest said...

@ KateAllison:

A couple of years ago, our independent pharmacy absorbed the files and employees of a small chain down the street that closed abruptly. One of their more prominent customers was an 80-ish gentleman named "Dick." And he only will deal with the pharmacist and tech (both female) that used to work at the chain. So, when he calls, he says "tell Barb that her Dick is on the phone" or "tell Colleen that her Dick needs her" without ANY idea of what it sounds like he's really saying.

I wish we had caller ID so I could make sure I don't have a mouthful of Sour Patch Kids when he calls...

student dr. blaze said...

You're the best, Dr. Grumpy! ;-)

Lipstick said...

This is your latest classic Dr Grumpy. I read this on my Crackberry at lunch and I couldn't stop laughing. I just read it out loud to Mr. Lipstick and it is even funnier out loud!

Maha said...

I was literally laughing out loud while reading this post! Not the nice, lady like laughter but a huge belly laugh and now I'm giggling profusely! Hilarious!

Steph Rx said...

HAD to be an off-shore call center. I'm going with India.

ERP said...

OK, maybe no intercourse, but perhaps "relations"?

 
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