Friday, December 18, 2009

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

Attention little school twits:

If you're going to fake illness/trauma/death to get out early on the last day before Winter Break, here are some tips for next year (since today's attempts failed).

1. Know where your freaking appendix is. Pointing to the left hip is not going to score points. Moving your finger around and trying to get me to say "warmer" or "colder" will not work. I am not stupid.

2. If you come in weekly claiming to have appendicitis, don't even bother to do it today.

3. After I send you back to class, calling your mother (or, better yet, 911) from your cell phone to complain that you're being mistreated and ignored by the school nurse does not help your cause. There is a reason my office is right across from the Principal's, and my door is always open. Everyone can witness what is going on in here. In fact, you aren't supposed to be using your phone during school hours. Now that you did (and for a bullshit reason) it will be confiscated if you bring it back in January. And I don't care whose greatest hits you have on it.

4. If you don't want me showing your Mom my list of all the times you bring your lazy butt in here for a stomach ache (which I write next to what classes and tests you had at those times) then don't tell her to come talk to me about how I'm not caring for you properly.

5. The "fibulia bone" is NOT in your arm (in fact, it doesn't exist, but I assume you can't spell either). So don't tell me you broke it, and hold your arm. Coming in claiming that your left arm is hurting, and favoring your right arm, doesn't help. Neither does limping when you come in for arm pain.

See you in 2 weeks.


Chris said...

You rock, Mrs. Grumpy. You should have NOT called home, but kept them in the office for precautionary measures just so they'll miss the holiday celebrations.

mommy-medic said...

ROFLMAO! I picked up a high school kid from her first day of summer school. She had been stung by a bee for the first time in her life and was faking unconsciousness (poorly I might add). Yeah, cause an allergic reaction doesn't require that sensitizing dose, right? and anaphylaxis presents with you laying there watching through cracked eyes even though you're pretending to be out cold? *eye roll*. A little "normalsaline (pronounced nor-MAL-suh-leeen)" fixed her right up. Glad we didn't have to reach for the NaCL (nackle- rhymes with tackle) :D

How is it they think they're being original???

Rachael said...

I love your guest posts, mrs. grumpy. keep them coming.

Our school district doesn't have school nurses, and didn't when I was in school either.

it's nice to know the position is still around

TiredRPh said...

geez...and all we knew how. to do was rub the thermometer on our pants when the nurse wasn't looking. Of course, with digital thermometers, that wouldn't work anymore. Guess, they had to get more "creative."

Doctor D said...

What is in the water in your neck of the woods? This kiddo is gonna fit in nicely with Dr. Grumpy's patient population.

Have a nice Christmas break you little malingerers!

Anonymous said...

Looks as if frequent flyers learn their skills early in life.

GingerJar said...

That is freaking halarious!!!!! I wanna be a school nurse...for maybe 1 hour, I don't think I could stand it longer than that! Good job.

Rach said...

Mrs. Grumpy - i think you should have a blog of your own!

(Grumpy, i'll still read yours!)

Amanda said...

Heh. God bless you Mrs. Grumpy.

I'm the mom who's asking the school nurse "Were there witnesses?" when she calls to tell me my six-year-old says he threw up.

I love my kids, but they're innovative little shi... erm, darlings.


MomNurseWife said...

Mrs Grumpy....could you come and be my kids school nurse? My son was sent home last week b/c his nose was runny. No fever. Just a runny nose and his complaint of not feeling well....during Spanish.

Anonymous said...

So glad to hear from you again, Mrs. Grumpy! I think the kids like you, so they fake illness in order to visit.

Word verificaton: loopi
....Like the loopy patients the both of you tend to have!

Anonymous said...

at work one of my young staff has a couple of times phoned in sick putting the whole 'i'm ill, i cant come in [insert obligatory cough]' with a lovely whimpering sicky voice. once for a broken toe, the other for an eye infection. Fine, if your ill your ill, but dont pretend to be on deaths door when you clearly arent.

Don said...

I admit, I was a hypochondriac in grade school.

I was being bullied by other kids and wouldn't tell the teachers about it. Nothing physical, just enough that I was miserable and hated it there.

Took me a long time to figure out the connectio.

Anonymous said...

HAHA! My son just started Kindergarten at the elementary school where my mom was the School Nurse for twenty plus years. When we started talking to him about the coming change, we sold it based on the fact that it was "Gram's school"!

That was a mistake...he was in the nurse's office more often than an addict claims to have dropped his Percocet down the toilet (I'm a Pharmacist). I have a feeling a much better experience for an elementary school Nurse than what sounds like middle or high school, but still...

My sincerest apologies to the school nurse!

Unknown said...

Heh our school nurse was in front of the rector's office as well. The only way out of that place was in an ambulance ( which I managed in a lunch break one year).

They even sent me back to class with an ice pack on my face after a wasp attack :(

My word: madist

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