Sunday night

It's 11:18 p.m. I'm fast asleep, and my phone rings.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?"

Dr. Brain: "Hi, Ibee? It's me."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Dr. Brain: "I couldn't sleep, so I'm reading the new issue of 'Journal of Obscure Neurological Diseases of Burkina Faso.' Have you looked at this months?"
 
Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, it's 11:30 at night and I was..."

Dr. Brain: "They're COMPLETELY changing the diagnostic criteria for Fleaglehart's Syndrome! I disagree with the entire thing. I mean, now they're considering visual changes to be helpful, but not diagnostic, of the disorder. They're increasing the importance of mental status changes, and now there are more than the 2-3 standard MRI findings we're used to."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh..."

Dr. Brain: "This is RIDICULOUS! I mean, how many cases of Fleaglehart's Syndrome have you seen that would fit this new criteria?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Look. It's 11:30 at night, you woke me up, and honestly I've never seen a case of it."

Dr. Brain. "Really? Neither have I. Okay. Have a good night."

The visitor

I'm in my office looking through MRI reports.


Mary: "Hey doc, there's a drug rep up front, says he needs to talk to you. Says it's not a sales call."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, just send him back."

(drug rep comes in)

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Matt. What's up?"

Drug rep Matt: "Sorry to bother you, but I was told to come talk to you about a weird request my company got."

Dr. Grumpy: "About..."

Drug rep Matt: "A patient of yours called my company, and said you'd authorize her to get 4 replacement injector pens and we just had to contact your office. I thought I'd come by myself, since we hadn't heard anything about this from you guys."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you hear what happened to the pens?"

Drug rep Matt: "That's the weird part. She contacted 3 service reps, told one the pens were stolen, another that they were never delivered, and another that her boyfriend backed over them with his car."

Long pause

Dr. Grumpy: "Actually, she and some friends got drunk and then tried using them to pierce their ears."

Long pause 2 

Drug rep Matt: "Are you shittin' me?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Nope."

Drug rep Matt: "I'm going to assume your story is the correct one?"

Dr. Grumpy: "That's the one she called me with Saturday morning."

Drug rep Matt: "I'm pretty sure we don't have a program to replace pens lost through, um, misadventure."

Dr. Grumpy: "Believe me. I understand. We've been dealing with her all week."

Long pause 3.

Drug rep Matt: "Thanks. I'll let you go. Wow. This sounds like something you'd read on a med-blog."

Annie's desk

Ms. Myelin: "Hello?"

Annie: "Hi, this is Annie, at Dr. Grumpy's office."

Ms. Myelin: "Oh, good. Did you order my new MS pens?"

Annie: "No, I just got off the phone with your insurance, and they won't replace pens that are damaged that way."

Ms. Myelin: "That's what they told me, too!"

Annie: "You called them yourself?"

Ms. Myelin: "Yes, I figured you'd just ignore me. Do you have any idea how long they made me sit on hold?"

Annie: "Um, yeah."

Ms. Myelin: "This is ridiculous. I need this medication, and my insurance company won't give it to me, even though it's been authorized and I've paid all my premiums."

Annie: "Well, you get a limited number of pens a year, and that's what they've given you. You broke 4 of them using them for something they weren't designed for."

Ms. Myelin: "Like it's my fault they put such a cheapshit needle on that it broke."

 Annie: "I..."

Ms. Myelin: "Can't you tell them that they were defective? Or that I broke them defending myself from a burglar or something?"

Annie: "I need to point out here that you called them before me, and told them the real story."

Ms. Myelin: "I didn't think they'd be such uncaring assholes. Whatever happened to 'honesty is the best policy'? I'm pretty sure the insurance phone bitch was laughing at me."

Annie: "Well, at this point the only way you can get them replaced is to pay cash."

Ms. Myelin: "WHAT? Do you have any idea how much this costs? It's $1200 for each of their crappy pens."

Annie: "There's really nothing else I can do"

Ms. Myelin: "Can Dr. Grumpy pay for them? He's the one who prescribed it, after all. I just took his advice."

Annie: "No. Maybe you should ask Ashley and Amy for help?"

Ms. Myelin: "I'd never ask my friends to do that for me."

Saturday

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Ms. Myelin: "Hi, I see you for Multiple Sclerosis, and I'm on that drug you inject with a special pen?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Ms. Myelin: "I need to get 4 new pens ordered for the month. The ones I have are all broken, so I'm going to run out."

Dr. Grumpy: "A month's worth of injector pens were all broken?"

Ms. Myelin: "No. I mean yes. I mean, they are now."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did they get shipped to you broken?"

Ms. Myelin: "I don't think so."

Dr. Grumpy: "So how are they all broken?"

Ms. Myelin: "Well, for Cinco de Mayo me and my girlfriends were at the Smashed Iguana. They were having tequila shot specials, and they do that thing where they pour margaritas right in your mouth? Anyway, we came back to my place to crash, and while we were sitting around Ashley said she'd been meaning to get her ears pierced in new places. Amy volunteered, cause she once did her own when she was in high school and said she'd been meaning to do the same. But I didn't have anything that would really work, then remembered I had my MS drug injector pens and they have pretty sharp needles, so we..."

Dr. Grumpy: "You used MS injector pens to pierce your ears?"

Ms. Myelin: "Well, yes. I mean, on a Friday night at 11:30 it's not like the place at the mall was open."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'll talk to Annie and get back to you on Monday."

Friday reruns

Dr. Grumpy: "So at what point did you call 911?"

Mr. Young: "When I realized she was having a seizure."

Dr. Grumpy: "How long after the seizure started was that?"

Mr. Young: (looks at Mrs. Young, both blush, look at floor) "Well, I didn't call right away, because we were, um, having sex at the time, and when she started shaking I just thought she..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Got it. So how long did the seizure last?"

Losses

Mary: "Let me give you these forms... Here's a pen... can I get a copy of your insurance card?"

Mrs. Card: "No."

Mary: "Do you have it with you?"

Mrs. Card: "Yes, but I don't know Dr. Grumpy yet. Can I give it to you after the visit, if I think he deserves to get paid?"

Rug

Dr. Grumpy: "At your last visit we started Flingase, how's that been going?"

Mrs. Scalp: "It's helped my migraines, but causing a lot of hair loss! I feel like I'm going bald!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, like we'd talked about, that can be a side effect."

Mrs. Scalp: "The trade-off just isn't worth it. I want to try something else."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's fine. Let me..."

Mrs. Scalp: "Here's this."

(puts a Ziploc bag on my desk)

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh... what's that?"

Mrs. Scalp: "It's all the hair that's fallen out. I've been saving it for today."

Dr. Grumpy: "I, um, see."

Mrs. Scalp: "Since you were familiar with the drug I figured you'd know a way to put it back on. Isn't there a Flingase antidote?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, but it'll grow back with stopping the drug."

Mrs. Scalp: "Will it all be back by this weekend? I have a wedding to go to."

Dr. Grumpy: "No..."

Mrs. Scalp: "Well, this is a lot of hair." (picks up bag) "Do you have glue or something?"

Honesty

Seen in a chart:

Parking

My office parking is okay. Not great, not horrible. Generally anyone can find a space, but they may have to park farther than they like (we do have plenty of handicapped spots).

I have one patient, Mr. Thuesen-Hale, who perennially complains about it. It's almost Seinfeldian, were it not for him being so enraged. Mary even gave him a list of neurologists who might have a better office lot than I do, to no avail.

So at his appointment last week, he showed up with a bunch of papers. They looked like forms for work.


Dr. Grumpy: "Any other questions?"

Mr. Thuesen-Hale: "Yes, I have this for you."

Dr. Grumpy: "Is it for your job?"

Mr. Thuesen-Hale: "No, it's a parking ticket."

Dr. Grumpy: "A parking ticket?"

Mr. Thuesen-Hale: "Yes. Because of your crappy parking here I got a ticket last time for being on the street. So it's your responsibility to pay it." (shoves papers at me)

Dr. Grumpy: (not reaching for them) "I'm sorry you got a ticket, but I'm not going to pay it."

Mr. Thuesen-Hale: "That's unacceptable. You chose to rent in this building, so it's your problem. PAY IT!"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm not going to do that."

Mr. Thuesen-Hale: "Look, if you don't pay it I'm not coming back!"


It's funny how some people think that's a threat.

Random pictures

Okay, time to hit the mail bag for stuff you guys have sent in:

First we have this doctor's office:

"How's the weather down there?"

From the "but don't do it right now" department of driving safety:

"Gee, this sounds like a great place to live"

"I guess the gardens are by the rear entrance."

From the music store (for those of you who remember what one was).

"Better not look in the other bin" department:

People who can't spell are watching you:

And, lastly, a reminder of those good old days of pharmacy:

Modern medicine

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Thirst: "Yes, I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, our next available is on Thursday, at..."

Ms. Thirst: "Wait, first of all, do you offer a beverage service in your lobby?"

Mary: "Uh, no. There's a water fountain down the hall, by the... Hello? Hello?"

Wednesday reruns

Mrs. Powder: "Sorry I'm a few minutes late, I had to drop my husband off at the ER."

Dr. Grumpy: "Is he okay?"

Mrs. Powder: "Oh he's fine. He was cleaning his gun and shot himself, again."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh my..."

Mrs. Powder: "You'd think he'd get over being such a baby about it. I made him wait in the car until I'd finished the laundry. Anyway, at the last visit you had me try Nomig for headaches, and I like it. Do you have any more samples?"

Mystery

Last week I got a letter from an insurance company about a patient's medication. No biggie. Happens a lot.

The letter said my patient's prescription authorization was expiring next month, and that I needed to fill out and resubmit the forms to get it covered for another year. Okay, I do that a lot, too.

But this letter, in the interest of protecting patient privacy, didn't give me their name. Or the medication. Or their diagnosis. Not even an ID number or birthday. Zilch. Zip. Nada.

In fact, across the top of the letter it said:

And I must admit they were right. The only name on the letter was my own.

So what am I supposed to do? I want to help the patient, but a quick look at my computer says I currently have 1,043 active patients. At least 278 of them are on a medication that requires me to re-authorize once a year. I can't start calling all of them, either. Ones who are coming due in the next 2 months? 44 per my machine. That's still too many for a random guess.

No easy answer here.

Sadly, the way these things usually play out is I'll only know who it is because they go for a refill and are told the medication is no longer covered because uncaring Dr. Grumpy never bothered to do the authorization. So they call and yell at me because they're not going to get their medication "AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" (my kids love that line, too).

I'm a big believer in patient privacy. I work hard to protect it. But when information about a patient, and a potentially life-saving medication for them, is kept secret from the very doctor who's prescribing it... We've reached a new level of insanity.

Franz Kafka (not my patient)

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Seen in a chart:

Of course, there's only one medicine that treats it all.

Memories...

One night, just after starting my internship, I got called to pronounce a patient dead.

How hard can that be?

They paged me just after midnight. As I took the elevator to that floor I realized that... I had no idea how to pronounce someone dead.
 
OH, SHIT!

My medical school had covered all kinds of stuff about diagnosis and treatment of the living, and, in retrospect, zilch about how to tell if someone is dead.

My stomach sank as I realized I'd be learning on the fly. I buttoned my brand-new white coat and made sure I had my stethoscope.

I got to the room. Mercifully, the family had gone home for the night and there were just 2 nurses straightening things up.

The ex-patient's eyes were wide open. He stared straight ahead, pining for the fjords.

Trying to look like I knew what I was doing, I strode confidently over to the bed... then stopped as I realized I had no idea where to start.

Finally, I waved my hand in front of his eyes.

He didn't blink.

The nurses began laughing. I began sweating.

Realizing I was hopelessly lost, and blanking, one took pity on me and suggested checking his pulse and perhaps use my stethoscope. At that point I began remembering things like vital signs (or the absence thereof) and other basic proof/disproof of life.

 

"He's dead, um, what's your name?"

I lay in my call room the rest of the night, waiting for a page from the morgue that the guy had woken up and was wondering what kind of idiot had pronounced him dead.

Sunday morning, 12:37 a.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Phone: "Yeah, I see Dr. Nerve for my headaches, and when I had one last month he called in some Migroblast, and it was really effective. Do you know if he'll call it in next time I have a headache?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you having a headache, sir?"

Mr. Phone: "No, I'm fine, I haven't had one since then. I only get a few each year. But if I have one, will he call in the Migroblast again?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Why don't you call his office on Monday and ask?"

Mr. Phone: "Oh, I guess I can do that. Hey, have a good night!"

Genetics

Mrs. Worry: "I'm concerned about Alzheimer's Disease, because I have a family history of it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Who had it?"

Mrs. Worry: "My ex-husband."

Mary's desk

Mr. Stand: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, this is Mary at..."

Mr. Stand: "Um, are you the girl I met last Saturday at Pick-Up Charlie's? Hey, the reason I haven't called yet is because..."

Mary: "Uh, no, I work at Dr. Grumpy's."

Mr. Stand: "I don't remember a bar called Dr. Grumpy's. Where is it? I must have been blitzed. Anyway, I'm glad you called because..."

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy is a neurologist. You have an appointment here at 10:00 tomorrow morning. I'm calling to remind you of that."

Mr. Stand: "Wait, you work at my neurologist's AND you came home with me from Pick-Up Charlie's last weekend?"

Mary: "No. I work here. I'm married. I've never been to Pick-Up Charlie's."

Mr. Stand: "Oh... This is awkward... I guess I'll see you tomorrow at 10:00, then."

100 years to the day

This picture was taken 100 years ago today, off New York City. It's the U.S.S. Arizona, shortly after completing engine repairs and only 6 months after she was commissioned into the navy. 3 days after this picture was taken the United States entered World War I.

At the time she was the biggest, newest, and most advanced battleship in the world. And home to 2,290 young men.

This is the same ship today, after the beginning of another war. 1,177 young men are still aboard her.

Check, please

This weekend Craig is hosting a murder-mystery party for his friends, with crimes he's writing himself.

Last night we stopped for a bite on the way home from band practice. He had a notebook, and was frantically writing down ideas for the party mysteries.

At one point he said "One more to go. I JUST NEED INSPIRATION FOR ONE MORE MURDER!!!"

Saying that loudly gets you some interesting looks in a crowded diner.

Publishing

Dear Cureus,

Thank you for your recent email.

I must say, I'm delighted that you enjoyed my article "," which was published in , . I spent years working on it, as a much-anticipated follow-up study to "?" and ".", which you may have seen in / and ;, respectively.

I'm impressed that your "new and unique" article rating system felt "," was so important. I'd been concerned, as several colleagues were less flattering, comparing it to something one might see produced by a :

Please keep an eye out for my "!" which will be featured in next month's issue of " as the centerfold.

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.






- Thank you, SMOD!

Osteichthyes

Mrs. Gourami: "What's your fish's name?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Ed."

Mrs. Gourami: "And he just stays over there?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yep."

Mrs. Gourami: "That really bothers me. I mean, for him to be in there all the time. You'd think he'd want you to take him out of the water for a walk or something."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh..."

Mrs. Gourami: "It just doesn't seem fair to me, like animal cruelty."

On the road again

Taking a week off for the kids Spring Break. See you next week!

"Don't eat or drink out of it, either."

Seen in a hospital bathroom:

Thank you, Rachel!

Parenting

Last night was the twins' indoor marching band show, combined with a school dance recital.

We took my Grumpymobile (a used 2007 Toyota Highlander, recently bought to replace the 1999 Nissan Maxima which had died). Frank also went, since he does lighting for the auditorium.

After the show there were 3 girls and 2 boys chatting with the twins. I let them talk for a few minutes, but after a while I wanted to go home, and went over to break it up.

Apparently, they’d been waiting on ME. Without bothering to check with, say, ME OR MRS. GRUMPY, Craig had previously promised these kids rides home. Since their parents had been told they didn’t need to come get them, they’d made other plans. And it was too late, dark, and cold to walk.

So we were 10 people in a car that holds 5, max.

It ended up as 3 in front (one on my wife's lap), 4 crammed in the back seat, and 3 shoved in the hatchback cargo area in back. It was snowing. The windows were fogged from 10 sets of respirations. Off we went, with my phone giving us directions to their homes.

Marie is taking driving lessons, and has memorized the entire book of state driving laws. So she points out any traffic violations she sees, loudly.

When someone made a turn in front of us without using their signal, she rolled down her window (with snow coming in) and shouted “HEY! That’s against the law!”

Craig's yelled from the cargo area: “So is driving around with 3 kids in your trunk!”

Then Frank farted, LOUDLY, and the whole car smelled like a sewer. On top of the body odor of a bunch of teenagers who have just finished marching and dancing for 2 hours under hot stage lights.

I drove the rest of the way with the windows down, and didn’t care if they froze.

At least I know these kids will never ask for a ride with the Grumpys again.

Guessing games

This referral came over the fax machine last week:

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Osseous: "I have a skin tag on my forehead, and need to have it removed."

Mary: "I'm sorry, Dr. Grumpy doesn't do that sort of thing."

Mrs. Osseous: "But it's on my forehead? That's near my brain, isn't it? And he's a brain doctor!"

Mary: "Yes, but he doesn't do procedures like this. Why don't you ask your internist for..."

Mrs. Osseous: "I did. She told me to see a plastic surgeon, but when I called none of them take insurance, and only wanted to talk about fixing my boobs."

Mary: "Have you tried a dermatologist?"

Mrs. Osseous: "They're booked out for a month, and I'm tired of looking at this thing in the mirror after 10 years. I want it off NOW! Can you ask Dr. Grumpy to make an exception?"

Mary: "This just isn't what he does, or can help you with."

Mrs. Osseous: "Even if it's near my brain, just on the other side of my skull?"

Mary: "That's not his field."

Mrs. Osseous: "You people are worthless."

Marketing

My reader Tom writes that a friend of his recently had a vasectomy at a place called, I swear, Dr. Snip.

What really makes the whole thing noteworthy, beside a few bags of frozen peas, is the awesome parting gift they present you with after the procedure:

Now THAT's branding!

 

Thank you, Tom!

Seen in a chart

My readers write

From Dr. Max Alt...

In the late 1990's I worked for Ginormous Neurology, Inc.

GNI was a group of 30-40 neurologists carefully selected for significant personality pathology. In neurology this isn't hard to find* but the breadth and scale of it at GNI was truly awe-inspiring. I don't think I was as bad as most of them, but hey, they offered me a job and I needed one.

Anyway.

GNI spent a large amount of money to put together a computerized chart system. By the standards of the era it was reasonably good, and fairly quick. Come to think of it, it was better than most of the  crap out there today.

One Monday the system was really SLOW. Granted, these sorts of things happen, and so we all ignored it at first. But it continued the rest of the day, and the next, and the next... The IT guys found something was running in the background, but weren't sure what it was.

Checking the logs on the servers and individual machines, they eventually discovered that one of the partners, Dr. Kent, had spent several hours over the weekend logged into the system, working on most of the office desktops, one at a time.

Eventually it came out that Dr. Kent had secretly installed software on all the computers... to search for extra-terrestrial life.

"He did WHAT?"

I am not making this up. He'd quietly installed programming from SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) to allow them to use the GNI network to search through data picked up by radio telescopes in hopes of locating life out there.

Now, I have nothing against SETI. Or extra-terrestrials. Or science. But when they interfere with my ability to do my day job... that's another matter.

To Dr. Kent's indignation and horror (he thought this would get him a Nobel Prize) the IT guys spent the next weekend removing his software from the servers and roughly 150 computers scattered through the GNI network.

To this day, those of us who knew Dr. Kent think he was hoping to reconnect with his family.

Thank you, Dr. Max Alt!


*I'll vouch for him on that - Dr. Grumpy.
 

Breaking news

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy brings you the stories that impact your lives.


DATELINE: New Brunswick.

Two men were arrested for going through a McDonald's drive-thru on a moving sofa at 3:19 a.m.

The home furnishing, also called a couch, was being towed by a 3rd man riding an ATV, also called a deathtrap. The passengers went over to order some McEdibles.

Apparently going into a drive-thru on a towed couch is illegal there (I had no idea this was such a common crime that a specific law was needed) so a police officer pulled in behind them and turned on his lights. This resulted in the ATV guy and couch driving off (down a frozen river, no less) leaving his partners behind.

The two men, not surprisingly, were intoxicated.

Cpl. Lorri McEachern, of the New Brunswick police, commented that, in spite of riding drunk on a towed sofa in winter in the middle on the night, both men were wearing helmets "so obviously safety was somewhat important."



DATELINE: Arizona AND Florida

Robert Bare, tired of life in Bullhead City, Arizona, decided to take a vacation in Key West, Florida. As part of his relaxation he wanted to "party" (his word, not mine) and mailed a box of crystal meth from his home to the hotel he'd booked.

Regrettably, Mr. Bare forgot to address the box to himself, simply writing the name of the hotel on it. So the staff opened it and were surprised to find some Walter White confectionary wrapped in dirty socks. Mr. Bare had, however, been kind enough to put his name and home as the return address on the package.

Following his arrival, Mr. Bare was arrested by an undercover detective when he tried to reclaim his package "after a brief struggle in the lobby."



DATELINE: California

A fellow stole a van from a mortuary in Riverside. After a short distance, however, he discovered there was a dead body in the back.

Apparently not wanting the passenger, he drove back to the mortuary, politely parked the van and its occupant where he'd found them, THEN took another van next to it (I assume he checked the back first), nearly running over a mortuary employee in the process.

While stealing van #2 he somehow failed to notice a police officer standing there, investigating the theft of the first van. The intrepid officer apprehended him after a chase.



DATELINE: Mississippi

From the "somehow I think there's more to this story" department.

Shane Treadaway was found hanging upside down and buck naked from a tree in the forest.

Mr. Treadaway, who was rescued by the local fire department, said he'd climbed the tree to look for a dog, and fell. Apparently all of his clothes came off in the process.

His girlfriend, who happened to be at the scene, ran to a nearby house to get help.

Attention span

I do online marketing surveys for $ here and there. Most docs do.

These people obviously want to make sure you're paying attention, so have stealth questions in there to trip-up someone who's randomly clicking boxes or typing numbers. Here are some samples you guys have sent in:



Sometimes it's just a simple command:

Math questions are popular, I assume because you have to think a bit:

Another technique is what I call "left turn." They set the premise you're going to work on, then take a sudden left turn off subject to see if you're following them:

But THIS one is my favorite. A seeming innocuous question about drugs used for Parkinson's Disease:

For those of you who didn't follow the sci-fi show Firefly, Byphodine was a fictional drug that reduced metabolic function to fake death.

Memories...

One of the other residents I trained with (a long time ago, in a hospital far, far, away) was Dr. Tree. He was argumentative and irritating (in short, a pretty typical neurologist). He didn't usually speak to the rest of us, which was a good thing.

Anyway, one day a few of us (both boys and girls) were hanging around in the neurology residents office, bullshitting about random stuff while we waited for rounds to start. Dr. Tree was at his desk, reading some neuro textbook and ignoring us.

At some point we began joking about porn. I have no idea what led to that. This went on for a few minutes, when suddenly Dr. Tree slammed his book closed, came over, and yelled the following diatribe at us:

"You think it's funny! It's NOT funny! The problem with porn is that it gets so out of control! You start with a dirty magazine, then you move into books and movies. You keep needing more and more, and the tame stuff isn't good enough anymore, so you need filthier and filthier, harder-core stuff! It's like a snowball rolling downhill, and YOU CAN'T DO A FUCKING THING TO STOP IT!"

Dr. Tree abruptly stopped and turned red. The rest of us, somewhat taken aback and unsure what to say, looked at him silently.

After a pause he mumbled "Um, at least that's what I've heard."

He picked up his book and ran out of the room.

Lost and found

Have you ever wondered what kind of things people leave at the Grumpy/Pissy Medical Emporium? Neither have I.

But a recent post about Mrs. Foote losing her shoe heel inspired me to dig through the office's "lost and found" drawer. It needed to be cleaned out, anyway.

Besides an unclaimed pair of sunglasses and a make-up case, I found these abandoned items:

This absolutely fascinating button: 

Yet another shoe heel:

Apparently, no one came back for this one.

A pocket knife:

Cigarette lighter:

 

I have no idea what this is:

For that matter, I don't know what this is, either:

Electrical tape:

 

And, somewhat ironically, this was in the drawer, too.

Classy

Dr. Grumpy: "How you doing? It's been the usual year since your last visit."

Ms. Zapper: "I'm fine, no problems. I've had a good year, health-wise."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good. By the way, do you have an internist you'd like me to send your visit notes to?"

Ms. Zapper: "No. Only other doc I see is my GYN. Hell, if you'd be willing to look in my pussy once a year I could ditch her, too."

News updates

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that impact your lives.


DATELINE: Windsor, England.

Legoland was discovered to have a surprisingly large and sophisticated marijuana operation on the amusement park's premises. The plants, some 3 feet high and surrounded by grow-lights and a watering system, were found in an unused storage shed.

The suspects are believed to have entered the park by crossing through land owned by the Queen. To date Her Majesty has had no comment.

It's unknown if the area will be worked into an attraction for the new Lego Batman movie, or perhaps an attraction called Lego Robin's Magic Garden.



DATELINE: Pittsburgh

Daniel Marchese was found in a stopped, but running, car in the middle of an intersection, going in & out of consciousness. When awake he would expose himself to passersby. He was dressed in pink lingerie. Officers who investigated also found he had an open bottle of whiskey and 2 handguns with him.

I swear to God I am not making any of that up.

Mr. Marchese threatened officers and was taken into custody. He's been charged with a remarkable assortment of things, including drunken driving, indecent exposure, fighting with officers, aggravated assault, and weapons offenses.

I can only assume he was going to a rally for cross-dressing supporters of both the 2nd & 21st amendments.



DATELINE: Florida

John Haskew attempted to conduct a fraudulent wire transfer, hoping no one would notice. The amount, however, was $7 billion (you read that correctly) which tends to get attention.

His excuse, upon being arrested, was that Jesus had told him to do it because he created wealth for everyone, and this was Mr. Haskew's share.

The accused told police that he was "self-taught on the banking industry."




DATELINE: France

A man who - I swear - used his wife's phone to set up Uber transportation so that he could have an affair - is suing the ride service for $45 million for causing him to get divorced.

A glitch in the app kept sending notifications to his wife about where he was going, even though he'd logged out of it. She got kind of suspicious.

Apparently his lady dumping him is now Uber's fault, and has nothing to do with him, say, cheating on her.

The moral here is this: if you're cheating on your spouse, don't use their phone to arrange it. Use something secure, like Ashley Madison.

"Here, the house is full of nitrogen and oxygen."

This is my daughter's birthday gift wish list:

This bud's for you

Dr. Grumpy: "You been doing okay since I last saw you?"

Ms. Cerevisiae: "Um, I had a really bad yeast infection, you know, in my girl parts."

Dr. Grumpy: "How have your migraines been?"

Ms. Cerevisiae: "It was REALLY bad. I mean, it climbed from down there all the way up though the connection into my stomach, then to my ears, too."

Long pause.

Dr. Grumpy: "I've, uh, never heard of that."

Ms. Cerevisiae: "That's what all the other doctors tell me, too. Anyway, my migraines are better."

Weight loss

Seen at the Asian grocery:

Rubber sole

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Foote: "Hi, I was there about an hour ago, and I think the heel of my shoe fell off."

Mary: "I..."

Mrs. Foote: "Can you please look for it? I want it back."

Mary: "I don't see it in the lobby... Hang on..."


Mary knocks on my door


Mary: "Hey, sorry to interrupt you and Mr. Lumbar, but Mrs. Foote thinks she lost part of her shoe back here."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh..."

Mr. Lumbar: (looks under his chair) "I think she did. Here."


(hands Mary a rubber shoe heel, Mary leaves)


Mary: "Hello, Mrs. Foote? I found your heel. Are you really coming back for this?"

Mrs. Foote: "Of course. How else am I supposed to walk home? Hey, do you have any super glue?"


I may have to start carrying super glue at the office. This was the second time a patient requested it.

Diet options

Recently I had to go to a research meeting.

While setting it up, they emailed me the following list of diets to choose from:

I wanted to do a mix & match, just to see what they brought me.

Huh?

I faxed in a script for Depakote 500mg yesterday, and a few minutes later received this back:

The strength seems to be stated pretty clearly. Can anyone in pharmacy explain this to me?

Memories...

What was your worst date?

I'm sure you remember it. If you don't, you haven't had it... yet.

We all have one. Where the person who seemed promising turned out to be a nightmare. Or a series of bizarrely improbable circumstances arose to make it a miserable time. Or some other chain of unpleasant events.

Somewhere out there is a woman for whom I was her worst date ever. I'm sure that even today, 25+ years later, she remembers it and tells others about the horrible time she had with me.

During my first year of residency I asked a nurse out, and we decided to go hiking. I chose a scenic trail outside town that went in and out of a forested area.

I picked her up in the early afternoon of a clear day, and off we went. It was nice drive to the trail head.

We'd hiked about 30-45 minutes when we came to a fork, and took the one to head back to the parking lot. Which led to another fork, and we again picked the one that should have taken us back to the car.

After another 30 minutes we realized we'd gotten completely lost, and had NFC where to go (back then, kids, people didn't have GPS phones).

Then it began raining. Heavily. Of course, the umbrella was back in the car.

We turned back, hoping to reach the parking lot at some point. Noticing the forest road about a 1/4 mile away, we walked through mud to get to it, figuring it was more likely to lead us in the right direction.

It wasn't. And it was still raining.

After a while we hitched a ride with the first passing car, which fortunately turned out to be a state parks ranger. He was on his way to close the parking lot we were in, since the rain was flooding the trails.

It was a long, quiet, dripping-wet ride back to her place. I tried to make conversation, but she just stared out the window. She didn't return my calls, either, when I tried to apologize.

And, realistically, I don't blame her.

But whenever someone tells me a story of their worst date ever, I remember that for a lady out there... I am that story.

The other end

Seen in charts:

 

- Thank you, T!

 

- Thank you, M!

Random weekend pictures

Okay, time to put up some pics you guys have sent in.



Here's a food stand in Israel, whose owner is trying to figure out why English speakers aren't lining up for his product:

Here we have a school district that's apparently given up on being excellent, or even pretty good:

Then there's this store. I'm not sure what an "aromas artisan" is, but after lunch at Taco Bell, Craig probably qualifies... and not in a good way.

This is about as use-specific as a soap can get:

This is an armored military vehicle developed by Venezuela in the 1930's, during border tensions with Columbia. Regrettably, Star Wars was still 40 years in the future, so no one recognized the Darth Vader chic.

Rules

Clerk: "Emergency room, this is Kim."

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Clerk: "Please hold for Dr. Stat."

(15 seconds of ONJ's 1980 hit "Let's Get Physical")

Dr. Stat: "Dr. Grumpy? Hi, this is Suzy Stat over at Local ER. I'm a new doc here. Anyway, I have a guy who needs to establish with a neurologist, and I have you down as on call."

Dr. Grumpy: "I am, what's up?"

Dr. Stat: "Nothing big, he moved here and has a history of seizures. He hasn't had a chance to find a doc yet, and so came in here looking for a refill and referral name before he ran out."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's fine. Give him my info and a few days of meds and I'll get him in this week."

Dr. Stat: "Great. Where's your office? Isn't it south of here?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm in downtown Grumpyville."

Dr. Stat: "Oh... He lives on the south side and doesn't have a car. He needs a doc he can walk to."

Dr. Grumpy: "I..."

Dr. Stat: "Could you, like, rent an office on the south side to see him? He likely only needs to come in once a year or so."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, no. He can take a bus, or Lyft, or Uber, or whatever."

Dr. Stat: "But as the ER on-call doc you're obligated to see him."

Dr. Grumpy: "Correct, and I'm happy to do so this week. But I only have one office, and that's where he'll find me."

Dr. Stat: "Is that allowed?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Dr. Stat: "They never teach you these things in training."

Music

Cleaning out a drawer, I found a late 80's list of songs my medical school roommate (Enzyme) and I wrote down for a year-end party. They summarized our thoughts at the time on med school.

So today I'm sharing them with you:


"Up All Night" - The Boomtown Rats

"Land of Confusion" - Genesis

"Come Monday" (There's a pathology test) - Jimmy Buffet

"Pressure" - Billy Joel

"Life is Shit" - The Dead Milkmen

"Why We Pray" - M.C. Hammer 

"Hell Hole" - Spinal Tap

"I Wanna be Sedated" - The Ramones

"Wipeout" - The Surfaris

"19th Nervous Breakdown" - The Rolling Stones

"One of These Days" (dedicated to a specific pathology professor) - Pink Floyd

"Help!" - The Beatles

Hot diggity dog

 

Last night I took the kids to a Grumpyville Puck-Offs hockey game. At some point Craig declared he was hungry, so we went to the snack bar.

We were almost up to the counter, and the guy in front of us ordered a chili-dog. He paid the counter lady, and a minute later she set it in front of him.

The guy didn't leave the counter. He picked up the entire chili-dog with both hands, and in one continuous movement shoved the entire thing into his mouth.

Then he pushed the empty paper plate back across the counter, mumbled "thank you," and left.

Craig suddenly wasn't that hungry.

Breaking news!

Keeping you up to date on the stories that shape your world, Dr. Grumpy's crack reporters bring you these news flashes:


DATELINE: CALIFORNIA

Alvin Neal attempted to rob a San Diego bank by handing the teller note saying it was a robbery, and to fork over some cash.

Unfortunately, Mr. Neal also attempted to keep other bank patrons from noticing what he was doing by acting like it was normal transaction. Which, apparently, included swiping his ATM card in the slot at the teller's window, immediately putting his name, address, and phone number on her screen.

He got out of the bank with $565 in cash, but didn't get very far.

Police who tracked him down using the data also noted he's a registered sex offender.



DATELINE: NEW YORK

Joseph Talbot was pulled over and arrested for driving while intoxicated.

He was quite upset that the news story and his mugshot in the local paper would ruin his reputation, so he refused to allow them to take his picture. This got him additional charges, and they took his picture anyway. He was released on bond.

Not wanting anyone to see his picture in the paper, Mr. Talbot came up with a novel solution: He followed the newspaper's delivery trucks all over town, buying up as many copies of the paper as he could find. One stand recognized him (from his picture in the paper, no less) and called the main office. Who sent out more papers, and also noted that the story was on their news website, too, making it damn near impossible for Mr. Talbot to purchase every single one.

And, as a result of his actions, got far more attention than he'd have gotten for a DWI in the first place.



DATELINE: FLORIDA

A man attempted to burglarize a store that specializes in selling (I swear!) surveillance cameras and other anti-theft gear.

His attempts to get into the Spy-Spot Investigations store was unsuccessful, and some nice shots of his face were taken.

The store's manager commented, “I don’t know why you would try to rob a spy store. The guy’s probably not the smartest criminal.”



DATELINE: PENNSYLVANIA

The federal government has filed suit against Lone Star Western Beef, Inc. for a lack of concern for its employees.

When a worker at their processing plant accidentally severed his thumb while preparing beef jerky, another employee immediately ran over to help staunch the bleeding and called 911 on her phone.

The owner of the plant quickly ran over and made her end the call, and subsequently fired her. The deeply concerned employer then picked up the thumb and had another worker drive Mr. Thumbless to an Urgent Care center instead of an ER. The Urgent Care center, not having anywhere near the surgical capabilities of a hospital-associated ER, was unable to re-attach the thumb.


DATELINE: STOKE-ON-TRENT, ENGLAND

Residents of an apartment building for senior citizens have been forbidden from drinking alcohol and singing karaoke in common areas following the combination leading to several incidences of "unacceptable behavior."

This comes on the heels of an altercation there last month between two retired women over a Christmas decoration.

One resident told reporters, "People in Alcatraz are treated better."

Hospital rounds

Dr. Grumpy: "When did this start?"

Mr. Son: "Around 2:30. She suddenly slumped over to her right, and couldn't talk."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's when you called 911?"

Mr. Son: "No, my wife and I helped her to a bench outside the store."

Dr. Grumpy: "When did you call paramedics?"

Mr. Son: "After I finished returning all the shitty Christmas gifts. You wouldn't believe how long the line was."