Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Monday afternoon

I had a nice elderly couple in. She had mild-moderate dementia, and I was looking over her previous test results.


Dr. Grumpy: "It looks like your internist did a pretty decent work-up. Unfortunately, I have to agree with him that she has Alzheimer's disease."

Mr. Amyloid: "Yeah, that's what her daughter and I both figured. What about..."

Lady Amyloid: "We just got married!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Really?"

Mr. Amyloid: "Yep. We've been together for 10 years, but got married last week."

Dr. Grumpy: "Congratulations!"

Mr. Amyloid: "We weren't ever planning on it, but after Dr. Intern told us the news I decided we should while she still knew how much I love her."


After 15 years in this job, it takes a lot to get to me. That did.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Think

For those of you who haven't seen it, this excellent piece was on KevinMD today.

For those of you who don't believe this is what American medicine has come to... you should. I've felt the same things other docs have more times than I can count.

For those of you looking to a career in medicine... I repeat what I said last Thursday: GET OUT NOW.

Weekend on call

This past Saturday morning I was dragged in kicking and screaming consulted at the hospital to see an elderly gentleman. He'd fainted while playing bingo at the Mishwauketomee casino the previous night.


Dr. Grumpy: "What happened, sir?"

Mr. Bingo: "I just wanted to get out and do something. Ever since my wife died all I've done is stay at home endlessly and stare at the walls. I just couldn't take it anymore, and wanted to get out. So I went over to the casino."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry sir. How long ago did your wife die?"

Mr. Bingo: "Yesterday morning."

Friday, April 18, 2014

Sigh

Mrs. Diopter: "My husband sees things now."

Dr. Grumpy: "When did he start hallucinating?"

Mrs. Diopter: "Oh, not that. He just got new glasses."

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Holy shit! I'm rich!

Last week, for those of you who are keeping score, the government released its list of how much Medicare pays doctors. The total for 2012 was...

(drumroll)

$77 billlion dollars.

If you like zeroes, that's $77,000,000,000.


"Are you sure? That's a lot of zeroes."

Now, there are roughly 850,000 docs out there who take Medicare. Which means (on average) each of us is getting $90,588.24 from Uncle Sam (this is ONLY Medicare, not other insurance companies).

Of course, that isn't even close to the truth. The released data also shows that 2% of the doctors out there are getting 25% of the take. So for those 2%, they're each getting $4,529,411.76.

As I'd expect, none of those guys are neurologists. And the last number (as big as it is) is peanuts compared to what your average insurance company or hospital CEO got as a Christmas bonus alone.



"My kid found these. We didn't know what else to do with them."


So which docs are getting the big Medicare money here?

1. Hematology/Oncology

2. Radiation Oncology

3. Ophthalmology

4. Rheumatology.

WOW! Those guys must be rich!

Nope, that's not it either.

Figures are misleading. While I believe in transparency, the raw numbers can be manipulated easily to make them show pretty much what anyone (usually a politician) wants.

That giant government payout is, in large part, what they're getting for supplies. These specialties have a few things in common:

1. They're primarily office based.

2. They have high overhead costs.

3. The first three are at high risk of being sued.

4. The first 2 are dealing with horribly sick patients, which cost more money to take care of.

I'm sure you're saying "why isn't neurosurgery on the list?" The office-based cost is the main reason. Most of their good work is in a hospital, and the facility supplies the medical equipment, drugs, staff, and operating room. The surgeon, like me*, shows up and brings her expertise (and the charges for it) with her, but the rest of the costs (and billing for them) get paid to someone else. 

*That noise you hear is the horrified inhalation of neurosurgeons because I just mentioned them in the same sentence as neurologists.






So, okay, the oncologists must be rich.

Of course they are! They're part of the secret government-medical conspiracy that's making you smoke tobacco and eat horribly unhealthy food against your will, causing you to get cancer and need their services.

Get real. Yes, they're getting reimbursed a decent chunk of change. But that's gross, not net. Most oncology practices have an office infusion suite to do chemotherapy. This is done there because it's more convenient for the patient, and a helluva lot cheaper for the insurance, to do it in an office than a hospital. But cheaper is a relative term.

Let's look at drugs. One commonly used for breast cancer is Herceptin. This is given once a week, and the list price is $3344 per vial. Another one, Neupogen, is $310 a pop. There's a lot of them like that.

Yeah, but the doctor must charge, like, 2 or 3 times that amount, right? That's why they're rich!

Keep dreaming. You can charge whatever the fuck you want. Medicare will only pay you 106% of the MSRP. Which means, for that $3344 vial of Herceptin, you'll get roughly $3544 back.

So? The doctor is still getting a $200 profit on each vial! That's a lot, you greedy bastards!

Stuff it. Consider the following:

Infusion nurse: $40/hour + benefits.

Infusion chairs: $1500 each.

Mayo stand (a metal table, has nothing to do with condiments): $110 each.

Code cart fully loaded (because disasters happen): $1800 (and it's $1400 to reload it each time it gets used).

Cardiac defibillator (same reason): $1200

IV poles: $70 each

TV set and cable subscription (the patients need something to watch for a few hours)

Wheeled medical stool: $50 each

Then you get into bags of saline, IV tubing, needles, phlebotomy equipment, band-aids, gauze, other medications (Zofran, Benedryl, Phenergan)... you get the idea.

And all of that comes out of the Medicare payments. Of course, the raw number doesn't mention that key point at all.


"And another thing..."

Another point: like many docs these days, the oncologist may have an NP or PA seeing patients. Of course, that person is likely working under the doctor's billing ID (called an NPI). So if both of them get, say, $100,000 back from Medicare, it's listed as money that ONLY went to the doc. And what you're seeing doesn't take into account the salary, benefits, and malpractice coverage for the NP, not to mention all the office supplies and support staff.

Wait, so you mean the money meant for 2 or more people can show up in the Medicare data as being all paid to one doc? Exactly. Doesn't give you a clear picture, does it?

The other fields are similar. Radiation oncology? A radiation machine will easily set you back a few million bucks. Not quite the same as say, a sofa from Penny's. But it's necessary in this line of work, because you can't practice without it (trying to irradiate tumors with the stuff you scraped off your kids glow-in-the-dark Halloween costume isn't helpful).

Then you need trained techs to operate it. Federal licenses and certifications to handle radioactive equipment. And a company that supplies/disposes of used isotopes (selling them to Al-Qaeda is frowned upon).





Ophthalmology? Have you ever been to one's office? They don't have something as simple as my Queens Square reflex hammer ($14 on Amazon). The gadgets they use are big, and to fully outfit a decent ophthalmology office will run you $100,000 to $200,000  - before you can even start seeing patients. Having your cataracts done? Each lens costs the doctor from $1000 to $3000 depending on what you need, not including all the other supplies needed for surgery. So a lot of the money is going to cover those expenses, too.

Rheumatology, like oncology, deals with some pricey drugs. Remicade, for example, is $915 a vial from the company.

Then, for ALL doctors, you have to figure in the other office expenses: computers, printers, chart system, staff, office furniture, office machines, paper, pens, coffee maker....

Yeah, but you guys get most of your office supplies free from drug reps! Sorry, Charlie. That practice was banned in 2008. Now the only thing reps can give us is samples, patient education brochures (which I throw away), and a hurried lunch of tuna sandwiches.

Office space alone can eat you alive. Between Pissy and I we have 2100 square feet. And we're paying $5100 a month for that. That's likely more than your mortgage payment for a house of similar size. And our office doesn't have a pool or wet bar.

Malpractice insurance? For non-surgical fields it's anywhere from $30,000 to $100,000 per year (or more). Surgeons? $100,000 to $300,000 (and up) per year depending on the field. That comes out of your share of the $77 billion, too.

Then, when you finally collect your money, a billing company will get 5% to 10% of it.

So, this is not exactly a high-profit-margin field (medical students: GET OUT NOW). A pretty big chunk of the Medicare money goes to cover just the overhead. Running a medical practice is not something you want to do by cutting corners. When things go wrong, they can go VERY wrong.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just trying to make the point that numbers like this are misleading, and can be twisted to mean whatever anyone wants them to. But when you see how much your doctor is getting for taking care of you, that's not all going in his/her personal pocketbook.

Far from it.

But that doesn't stop me, and most of us, from doing our best to care for you, every single day.



Wednesday, April 16, 2014

"Ommmmmmmm..."

Seen in an ER doc's note:



Tuesday, April 15, 2014

This is a good thing

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Miss Poppy: "Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, we can see you..."

Miss Poppy: "Wait, first, I need to know if you guys are connected to that big database where you can see which of your patients are getting narcotics from other doctors and when and how many and all that stuff."

Mary: "You mean the state monitoring program? Yes, we are."

Miss Poppy: "Never mind."

click

Monday, April 14, 2014

How ya doin'?

"It's been a busy year. I had to have all kind of treatments from the eye doctor. A few months ago I had this weird feeling in my eye, and had my friend Jan look at it. She's a librarian at the kids school, so I figured she reads all kinds of stuff. She thought maybe I had a fungus in my eye, and I'd once heard of a guy that happened to on the news, so it seemed like I should treat it. My oldest boy is on the high school football team - they were in the state playoffs last year if you remember - and is always having jock itch with burning and red stuff in his crotch. He has these tubes of fungus cream for it in his bathroom, so I rubbed it in my eye for a few days, but that only made things worse. So I went to the eye doctor and he said the cream wasn't supposed to go in my eye because it damaged something and I had to have all kinds of treatments for it. It really ticked me off because you'd think Jan should know better."

Friday, April 11, 2014

1 in 206

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have any other medical issues?"

Mr. Methuselah: "They said I had arthritis on a bone somewhere. Do you know which one it would have been?"

Thursday, April 10, 2014

That's some pen

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mr. Waterman: "I need your help. The pharmacy is refusing to give me my seizure medicine! They claim you didn't order it. I know that's a lie, because I saw the doctor do it."

Annie: "Okay, let me look in your chart."

Mr. Waterman: "I'm all out, too."

Annie: "It looks like he wrote a prescription at your visit. Did you give it to them?"

Mr. Waterman: "Did I give what to them?"

Annie: "The prescription he wrote."

Mr. Waterman: "He didn't give me one! He sent it to them."

Annie: "But... In your chart it shows he gave you a handwritten script. What did you do with it?"

Mr. Waterman: "My copy? I tossed it. I didn't think I needed it."

Annie: "That was the prescription! Why did you throw it away?"

Mr. Waterman: "I figured it was sent from his pen as he was writing it."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Dr. Grumpy: dementia magnet

The day is over. Mary left. I wander out in the hallway and am waiting for the elevator.

An older gentlemen in a tweed cap comes up to me:

Tweed Cap: "Excuse me, where is the cardiology suite?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, there's a cardiologist on the 4th floor, and another on the 8th. Do you know the doctor's name?"

Tweed Cap: "No, my sister had a heart attack earlier, and they told me she was here, in room 745."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, you're looking for the hospital. That's across the street."

Tweed Cap: "This isn't the hospital?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, it's an office building."

Tweed Cap: "It looks like the hospital."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, you have to go outside, head east, and cross the street. There's a foot bridge over traffic."

The elevator opens and I get in it. So does Tweed Cap. I go down to the parking garage under the building and get out. So does Tweed Cap.

Tweed Cap: "So now we are in the hospital?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, no, this is a parking garage."

Tweed Cap: "But it connects to the hospital, doesn't it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. See that staircase over there? Take it up 1 flight, and you'll see the hospital right in front of you. There's a bridge across the street there, and you can take it right over."

Tweed Cap: "Thank you."

He got back in the elevator and the doors closed.


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Great headlines

"Quick, Phil, get a headline ready that we can edit to use regardless of who wins."




p.s. The picture is also from the wrong game.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Seen in a hospital chart:




So, based on this detailed exam, we can assume which of the following:

The patient...

A. Is dead, and the doctor is in the morgue by mistake.

B. Has escaped, and left a mannequin in the bed.

C. Is a parrot.

D. Wait, how the hell is that part of a mental status exam?

E. The doctor billed this as a level 5 visit.


Friday, April 4, 2014

Quote of the day

"I take a blood pressure pill, or maybe it's for my cholesterol. Actually it might be a blood thinner. Anyway, it's one of those."

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Pathology

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. 12A: "No."

Lady 12A: "Your mom had diabetes."

Mr. 12A: "Is that major?"

Lady 12A: "I think it's major."

Mr. 12A: "I don't."

Lady 12A: "What do you consider major?"

Mr. 12A: "Where did you go to medical school?"

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Poke into others as you'd have poked into you?

Ya know, I heard the Golden Rule a lot in childhood, but don't remember this part of it...


Gives a new meaning to "the Midas touch," eh?

Thank you, BW!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Why I do what I do

It's been 4 years since I last ran this piece, and I think it's worth putting up again.


It ain't much to look at.

Two, maybe three pounds of grayish-white goop. It's not even solid in a living person. More like Jello that floats around in it's vault.

But it's amazing. From that sloppy goop has come remarkable stuff. It's sent a robot to land on a moon of Saturn. It's explored the bottom of our deepest oceans. Built the Taj Mahal. The Great Wall of China. Painted the Mona Lisa.

Go listen to the remarkable Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D minor". Not just the famous opening 30 seconds or so, but the whole 9-10 minute thing. That all came from the goop, long before it was heard or played on an instrument, it was just a series of electric signals jumping from nerve to nerve. The piece is over 300 years old. The mind that created it has been dead for over 250 years. And humans will likely be listening to it long after my great-great-great-grandchildren are dust.

The soul is there. The heart is amazing, but for all our romantic beliefs about it, who we really are is floating around in the goop. It's where hate, love, and everything in between comes from.

It's capable of terrible evil, such as the Holocaust, and remarkable good. Look at the outpouring of altruism that follows disasters. I love my dogs, but if something bad happens to a dog on the next street, they're not going to care. Yet the goop wants to help people who we've never met and have no direct impact on our own lives

My regular readers know I'm interested in maritime history. Why? I have no idea. It's just been a subject I've loved as long as I can remember. I've never been in the navy. The family military history consists of grandparents who served in the army, but never were sent overseas. I can only assume there is some particular molecular structure in my goop that makes me interested in it. Or that made me want to treat other people's goop for a living.

Twin and biological studies have shown that most of who we are is how we came here. Yes, life experiences and background count for something, but the goop is most of it. People with conservative beliefs raise kids who turn out to be liberals, and vice versa, no matter how hard they may try to pass on their beliefs.

Coke vs. Pepsi. Dogs vs. Cats. Mac vs. Windows. I suspect whatever makes us fall on one side or the other of these great philosophical issues is 95% or more in the goop, and we just come that way.

Everything you are, have been, and will be. Have desired, dreamed of, and done. Have felt. It all comes from a few pounds of goop.

And this fascinates me. Because, let's face it, we're just another part of the planet. A collection of complex molecules, electrical impulses, and chemical reactions. That's all people. Anatomically, all humans are pretty much the same. And we're not that different from other mammals. The difference in our genetic sequence vs. that of a mouse ain't much.

And yet that small amount of difference has led to amazing results. The ability to think beyond our own biological needs and to see the world around us for the beauty it contains. To watch a sunset and be in awe, even though we understand the science behind it. And to look up at the night sky, and wonder.

And that never bores me.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Urgent: "I need to see your doctor right away! My doctor told me to call you guys!"

Mary: "Well, he's out of town this week, but next week we can see you on..."

Ms. Urgent: "Well, how far away is he? I mean, like where he could drive back tomorrow to work me in?"

Mary: "No, he's gone until next week. Now..."

Ms. Urgent: "But I need to see him! Doesn't he have a partner or something?"

Mary: "No, we're a solo practice."

Ms. Urgent: "What about you? Can I see you? You work there."

Mary: "I'm a secretary, ma'am."

Ms. Urgent: "But still, you must have learned enough just from working there!"

Mary: "No. Anyway, next week we have..."

Ms. Urgent: "I could be dead by next week! And don't tell me to go to ER, either! I'm tired of going to ER's. Why isn't the doctor there, anyway?"

Mary: "He took his kids to go visit family. Now, we can..."

Ms. Urgent: "You mean he goes on vacations? What the hell? Doctors shouldn't be allowed to do that! They trade that in to care for people!"

(hangs up)


Monday, March 24, 2014

Spring break

Due to my kids having this week off, we're going to visit family in warmer weather. I will return on March 31, 2014.



Friday, March 21, 2014

Quote of the day

"Since my back injury I've had trouble going down. On stairs, I mean."

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Foot, meet mouth

My 2:00 patient yesterday was obviously blind. She had the long white cane, and a guide dog. Mary filled out forms for her. She held onto my arm as I led her back to my office.


Dr. Grumpy: "So what can I do for you?"

Mrs. Two: "I was at the emergency room this weekend. I had a seizure on Sunday, and bit my tongue."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good heavens. Have you ever had a seizure before?"

Mrs. Two: "No. They told me I had another one in the ER after I got there."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where did the first one happen?"

Mrs. Two: "I was in the car."

Dr. Grumpy: "Were you driving?"

Pause.

Dr. Grumpy: "That was a really stupid question, wasn't it?"


She cracked up. It was a few minutes before we could start again.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Thump

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Phleb: "It's been 2 weeks, and I want to know what my labs showed. Nobody called me."

Annie: "Hmmm... I don't see any results in the system."

Mrs. Phleb: "Well, I took the order in. I don't know why they didn't send them to you."

Annie: "What lab did you go to?"

Mrs. Phleb: "The one in your building. I did exactly what Dr. Grumpy told me to do!"

Annie: "That's strange. Usually they're pretty reliable. Did you have the blood drawn right after your appointment?"

Mrs. Phleb: "What blood draw?"

Annie: "They didn't draw your blood? What exactly did you do?"

Mrs. Phleb: "What Dr. Grumpy told me! He handed me the order, and said to take it to the lab downstairs. I did that, and gave it to the girl at the counter. She set it aside to answer a phone call, and was talking to some lady about scheduling. So I left and went to lunch with Ed."

Annie: "You were supposed to wait for them to draw your blood. The lab order is just an order."

Mrs. Phleb: "Well, he should have explained that!"

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Overheard in ER this weekend

Dr. Urgent: "What do you take for your asthma?"

Mr. Wheezy: "Methadone."

Monday, March 17, 2014

Sunday night call check-out

Dr. Grumpy: "Next is a lady in room 835 who I saw for diabetic neuropathy. I started her on Qualex, and..."

Dr. Brain: "Any exam findings?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No reflexes in the legs, and impaired pin & proprioception in the feet. I ordered some labs..."

Dr. Brain: "Proprioception? Don't you mean 'passive joint position sense'?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. In room 753 is a guy who came in with an acute stroke..."

Dr. Brain: "Wait, this is important. You aren't answering my question. 'Passive joint position sense' is a much more relevant term, and you really should use it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Whatever. Anyway, the guy in 753 is weak on the right. I started him on Aspirin, and an MRI is pending. You'll need to..."

Dr. Brain: "So why do you say 'proprioception' ? The correct term should be 'passive joint position sense."

Dr. Grumpy: "Because it's shorter. In room 734 is a lady with seizures who..."

Friday, March 14, 2014

Thursday night phone message

"Hi, this is Austin, and I'm in the twin's class at Wingnut school. My Dad says he'll get me a new XBox game if I take a girl to the junior high dance, so can you please have Marie call me? Thank you."

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Statistics

Rikki Phoneysmile, my least favorite drug rep, came by. I went up to sign for samples.


Rikki: "Now... just tap next to the pill strength you'd like, and sign here..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay." (signs off, hands iPad back).

Rikki: "Thank you, doctor. I'd like to leave you with this booklet about Dioxnyl to review..."

Dr. Grumpy: "You've left it with me before. You've been handing it out for over a year."

Rikki: "No, it's a new one. We recently discovered an error in that booklet, and it's now been corrected."

Dr. Grumpy: "What was wrong?"

Rikki: "On the efficacy graph we had the drug vs. placebo curves switched. So it made it look like the placebo was more effective than the drug."

Pause

Dr. Grumpy: (giggling) "Your company has been using a booklet erroneously showing your drug was worthless for over a year and no one realized it until now?"

Rikki: "Um, yes. Have a nice day." (drops booklet on desk, leaves)

Mary: "Did you ever notice that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hell no. But it's nice to know nobody else reads them, either."

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Texting by voice

Marie's Wingnut School girls basketball team had their first win of the season yesterday, and Mrs. Grumpy sent me the results. So I was trying to get Siri to text "Yay!" back.


Monday, March 10, 2014

Yes, we are

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Chart: "Hi, I have an appointment next week, and I need you guys to get my records before then."

Mary: "Okay, but we can't get your records from other places. You need to contact them, and fax a release."

Mrs. Chart: "I've seen 3 other neurologists, and been admitted to 2 hospitals for my problems. I'd think you'd want to have their notes."

Mary: "Yes, the doctor would, but again, you'll need to contact them and have them send records. We can't get them without a release. You can come in here and sign one, or I can fax one to you."

Mrs. Chart: "I don't have time for that. I'm busy. You need to just call them yourself. You can tell them I told you to."

Mary: "Ma'am, it doesn't work that way. There are privacy laws and..."

Mrs. Chart: "Oh, you're one of those practices. Never mind."

Friday, March 7, 2014

Thursday afternoon

Dr. Grumpy: "How long have you been taking Fukitol?"

Mr. Vague: "Um, since I started it."

Thursday, March 6, 2014

50 Shades of Neurology

Seen in a hospital chart:



Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

We deliver

I needed to mail a chart to another office, which, for whatever reason, doesn't have a working fax this week. So on the way home yesterday I stopped at the post office.


Postal clerk: "That will be $5.21... Thank you. Where are you mailing this to, sir?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Lakeside Grumpyville, about 5 miles north of here, near Main & 28th street."

Postal clerk: "Under security precautions a package of this size cannot be put on a plane, so it will have to go by ground delivery with consequent delay. Will that be ok?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, yeah."

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Memories...

The university where I went to medical school had a large indoor gym. All students were allowed to use it, but you had to show a student ID to get in. This is pretty standard.

What wasn't standard was Weather Guy.

To this day I don't know what his name was. He never wore a name tag. He was a pleasant, elderly fellow whose sole job was to sit there and check ID's before letting you into the gym.

I have no idea where the school found Weather Guy. For all I know he'd lived on the land when the school was started in 1868, and they built the gym around him and gave him a job. He was never NOT there. Weekends, nights, early mornings, holidays - I don't remember ever seeing anyone but Weather Guy working the gate. Neither did my roommate. Or professors who'd graduated from the school before I was born (the gym building, I believe, predated exercise). For all I know he lived at the entrance desk, and had a cot behind it.

But his most enduring feature was the one that gave him his name: a remarkable inability to discuss topics other than the weather. Nuclear war in progress? Let's talk about the weather. Super Bowl upset? Let's talk about the weather. Flaming car wreck outside the gym? Let's talk about the weather.

Now granted, a LOT of people ramble pointlessly about the weather. This is nothing new. What set Weather Guy apart was his lack of awareness for such.

In retrospect, I'd say he was fairly demented. It didn't take much effort to look at a plastic card and say "go on through." In fact, it would explain why he passed pretty much anyone with a plastic card, whether it was a student ID, credit card, drivers license, or Local Grocery rewards card.

So as you'd go through the line, he'd always say something like "It must be cold out there" or "it's a scorcher today." He'd say this regardless of season, so it was equally likely to be the dead of winter or blazing summer heat, and he'd have a 1-in-4 chance of being in the ballpark.

Of course, this sort of thing couldn't go ignored by college students.

There was a summer day when it was the typical hot & humid, with mosquitoes the size of dinner plates. I was in line behind a guy, and as he walked up Weather Guy guessed right and said "Gonna be a hot one."

This fellow, instead of saying the usual "uh-huh" and moving on, said "Actually a snowstorm just started. It's freezing!" And then went into the gym.

Weather Guy didn't bat an eyelash. As I came up to the counter and took out my ID, he said "It must be cold outside. I hear it's snowing."

Monday, March 3, 2014

On call, Sunday morning



 Overheard at the nurses station at 7:53 a.m.:

"So far we've had 2 try to escape, 3 wander out buck naked, a lady in DT's screaming about spiders, 4 calls to security, the lady in 17 smoking weed in the bathroom, the guy in 24 masturbating in the hallway, and it's not even fucking 8:00 yet."

Friday, February 28, 2014

Genetics

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Flat: "My Dad was killed by a steamroller."

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Wednesday afternoon

I'm at the nurses' station, writing a note. A cardiologist puts a chart next to me and sits down.


Dr. Snow: "Hi, Ibee."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, hi, Mike."

Dr. Snow: "You seeing the new guy with the stroke?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah. Hey, how'd your family ski trip go?"

Dr. Snow: "We had to cut it short. My oldest son broke his leg on the second day."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry, is he okay?"

Dr. Snow: "Yeah, but he needed surgery. It was a compound fracture" (whips out iPhone) "See? There's the tibia sticking out below the knee, and this next one..."

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Neurological nightmares

I have a pleasantly demented patient, Mrs. Tangle. She's very nice, but quite confused, and getting slowly worse. She's at an assisted living apartment.

Her husband died 2 years ago. They had a few old boxes in a closet that no one ever got around to unpacking. The family figured they were clothes, or pictures, or whatever. They were buried under blankets and photo albums and other stuff.

So a few days ago I got a call from the patient's son. He urgently needed to talk to me, and Annie told me that I needed to deal with this one personally. I trust her judgment when she says that. So I took the phone. At about the same time I picked him up, Mary said the police had just called wanting to talk to me about Mrs. Tangle, and were on another line.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Mr. Son: "I need to talk to you about Mom! She unpacked some old boxes in her closet!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. What's the problem?"

Mr. Son: "We didn't know what was in them! We thought it was clothes or something!"

Dr. Grumpy: "And..?"

Mr. Son: "One had Dad's old gun, from when he was a policeman!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What! Is it loaded?"

Mr. Son: "I have no idea. The nursing home just called me! She's wandering around with it. She's not threatening anyone, but she's walking all over there waving a gun!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Has anyone tried to get it away from her?"

Mr. Son: "Um, I was hoping you would go over and do it."


I told him no, and grabbed the other line. It was the Grumpyville police, wanting to know just how mentally intact she was before they tried to reason with her.

Fortunately, the situation ended without incident. But when dealing with the aged, don't just assume that old box has harmless stuff in it. This isn't the first time I've had families tell me they've found previously unknown firearms hidden in a demented person's place. This was just the most potentially dangerous the situation got. I can only imagine what could have happened if instead of being pleasantly demented, Mrs. Tangle was paranoid/angry demented.

And yes, it was loaded.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Priorities

Brent writes in with this bit of drama from his practice:


Mr. Husband: "Can you make a house call for my wife? Her asthma is really bad, and she's having a tough time breathing. She won't go to ER, either."

Dr. Brent: "Just bring her to my office. I'll squeeze her in this afternoon."

Mr. Husband: Well, she's been coughing a lot. And, you know, she has that problem that when she coughs, she leaks urine. I can't have that in my truck."

Dr. Brent: "So bring her in her car."

Mr. Husband: "THE NEW BMW?!!! ARE YOU CRAZY???"

Monday, February 24, 2014

EHR: Making you look like an idiot


Friday, February 21, 2014

Okay...

Dr. Grumpy: "Let me order an MRI... Are you claustrophobic?"

Mrs. Orlok: "No. I lie in coffins routinely, and don't have a problem."

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Dear Dr. Laser Surgery Scam,

Sorry I talked my patient out of letting you touch him. I understand you have to make a living, too. I know I hung up on you when you called to yell and threaten me yesterday, but, quite frankly, I don't give a shit.

My patient has pain in the right hand, which my EMG/NCV last week showed was simply carpal tunnel syndrome. I've scheduled him to see a hand surgeon in a few days.

I understand the MRI of his neck had a few disk bulges and all, which might cause hand pain. But, as is documented in the report and your own note, all those abnormalities are on the left. His symptoms are all on the right.

When he told me that you were insisting he have left-sided "laser neck surgery" for the right hand pain, I figured he'd simply misunderstood what you said, or maybe you'd read the MRI wrong. I do that myself here and there, and have to double check. Hell, I think everyone does.

But when he brought in your printed instructions, with some sort of bogus "referred dermatomal crossing" bullshit about how a pinched nerve on the left can cause "sympathetic allodynic crossover pain" and affect only the right... I told him to run away from you.

I also liked how your note specifically advised him against seeing me to discuss this, and instead recommended a neurologist you have "an affiliation" with. How much of the cut is he getting for being your partner in fraud? I can only assume you've been burned before by other outside docs (like me) telling patients the truth. The part of your note suggesting he not have an EMG/NCV "because it will only delay your pain relief" is a real piece of work. Heaven forbid someone should make the correct diagnosis and rob you of a case.

Your threat about not referring patients to me isn't particularly intimidating. You never have. Now I know why. I have nothing against surgeons. I refer patients to them (when needed) routinely. But I don't take that decision lightly, and keep a short list of surgeons I trust.

So, I don't feel particularly bad that I deprived you of a case. In fact, I hope I have the opportunity to do so again.

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Why I love Mary

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Tinfoil: "Hi, I need to see the doctor."

Mary: "Okay, we have an opening next Tuesday at..."

Ms. Tinfoil: "Does your office have WiFi?"

Mary: "No, we're a small practice and..."

Ms. Tinfoil: "That's good. My last neurologist was using WiFi to read my thoughts. He fired me when I told him I was reporting him to the police."

Mary: "Okay... What are you coming in for?"

Ms. Tinfoil: "I want someone to look at my MRI films. All the doctors say they're normal, but I know they work for the government. You can see the microtransistors they placed in my brain to use WiFi on me, and I need a neurologist who can see them, too."

Mary: "I'm not sure Dr. Grumpy is the kind of doctor you need..."

Ms. Tinfoil: "They put them there with special government-trained tics, that bit me and injected the receivers into my bloodstream."

Mary: "I'm sorry, you know, I completely forgot. Dr. Grumpy installed WiFi just last week, so people in the lobby could surf while waiting."

Ms. Tinfoil: "Oh shit, you're part of it, too!"

(click)

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Why doctors drink

Mr. Badhair: "I'm here because I want to see an aneurysm specialist."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, sir, I certainly can discuss them, but I'm a neurologist, not a neurosurgeon. So I can't claim to specialize in them."

Mr. Badhair: "Well, on your office website it says you do, and that you trained at UBS."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, I'm not an aneurysm specialist, I've never made that claim, and I didn't train at UBS. I went to BSU."

Mr. Badhair: "Liar! I can't believe you have the nerve to tell me that! I saw it on your site this morning!"

I call up my practice site and turn the iMac around.

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, this is my site. It clearly says I went to BSU, and says nothing about aneurysms."

Mr. Badhair: "That's because you just changed it."

Monday, February 17, 2014

Dear WebCME,

I understand you're trying to do a medical education tie-in with Valentine's day, but perhaps next year you should stick with something a little less heartwarming:



Thank you, Tab!

Friday, February 14, 2014

Patient quote of the day

"I have to accept that I'm 40. That means I'm not 39 anymore."

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Bwahahahaha

Dr. Grumpy: "Didn't you have a hysterectomy?"

Mrs. Giggle: "Yes, why do you ask?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Just to be safe. This medication can cause birth defects."

Mrs. Giggle: "Oh, that's not a problem. My birth defects are both in high school."

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Great speech therapy reports


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Life is a highway

Mr. Octane: "I need a note saying I had a doctor's appointment."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, for your job?"

Mr. Octane: "No, for the police."

Dr. Grumpy: "The police?"

Mr. Octane: "I got a speeding ticket on the way here."

Dr. Grumpy: "I don't write notes for that."

Mr. Octane: "If I hadn't been speeding I would have been late."

Dr. Grumpy: "You came in 15 minutes after your scheduled appointment time."

Mr. Octane: "Well, I would have been later."

Monday, February 10, 2014

Stating the obvious

Last year, for those of you who missed it, a large potato-chip company had a nationwide contest to come up with a new flavor.

So, although the contest is over, there are still some bags of chips announcing the results out there. Yesterday, at a Boy Scout meeting, some bags were opened and I noticed this on one. It showed the top 5 ingredient suggestions people had sent in for a new potato chip flavor:




I want to know how "potato" is the 2nd most popular ingredient suggestion. I mean, they're freakin' potato chips! While I like bacon, it's certainly not the first ingredient I think of if someone says "what should we use to make potato chips?"

And chocolate? Yeah, I know someone was selling chocolate covered potato chips over the holidays. But even chocolate has its limitations, and I'm not dipping it in ranch dressing or guacamole.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Ironic placement of a promoted tweet


Friday, February 7, 2014

CME har de har har





 
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