Monday, June 20, 2011

Monday morning hospital consult

Never a good sign when the admitting physician's note begins:

"23 year old male, who suffered a head injury while inebriated. He was at a bar, and bit a stripper on the thigh..."


Anonymous said...

What? This is my normal Tuesday nights...I thought everyone did this? ;-)


Anonymous said...

From what I've seen, no story that begins with, "I was sooo drunk!" or "Well, I was at this bar..." or "We were at this party..." ever ends well.

Deana said...

This dude stories are also bad news. "We were just at the club, minding our own business when all of a sudden this dude..."

thatsit said... started with, "here, hold my beer." The best stories usually follow.

Anonymous said...

Also, never a good thing to read, Patient was intoxicated and was running from a police dog naked.

Packer said...

It always seems like a great idea, just before the closed head injury.

Why did he think they are called bouncers.

The Nite Nurse said...

I have a supervisor whose best stories seem to follow a pattern. "We were drunk and _____ got hurt. Here's how..."

Anonymous said...

HAWT! Nothing says like "date me" as a drunk idiot who plants his teeth marks on your thigh.

Or else the stripper said, "Eat me.", and the fool took it literally.


Anonymous said...

Just innocently refilling the Pyxis machine in the hospital, and overhear the string of profanities and whining curses (of the patient on his cell phone in an ER cubicle behind a curtain). Then, I hear the curtain being pulled back and 'Oh, hi officer, we were just at the bar ...'. Sometimes selective hearing is a skill to be honed.

Shalom said...

Uncle Shelby had something to say about this:

"OK, a song of warning, for those who play the game...

Oh...never bite a married woman on the thigh
Oh my, not on the thigh
Of course she just can't wash it off no matter how she tries
Oh my, she'll try
And when she gets home at night her husband's gonna ask her, "Why
Is there a tooth mark on your thigh?"
And she'll say it's just a birth mark or some other silly lie
Oh my, she'll try
But he'll get suspicious and then he will start to pry
Oh my, isn't he sly
And then, then, then she'll admit to everything and he will say, "Bye bye,
Bye bye!"
He's gonna fly
And then he'll say, "I don't blame you, but tell me who's the guy?"
That guy was I
And then he'll come and find you and he'll punch you right in the eye
Oh my, right in the eye
And and then he...
And then he'll rent a cheap hotel room and he'll hang himself with his tie
Oh my, his brand, his brand new tie
And then she'll take a overdose of sleeping tablets and she's gonna lie
On the couch and die
So never never never never never never never
Bite a married woman on the thigh."

-- Shel Silverstein, from "Songs & Stories" (Casablanca Records, 1979)

myoclonicjerk said...

I cannot come up with anything that rivals the previous comments. Great stuff!!!

MarcW said...

On the Internet-famous 'Things I learn from my patients" thread, which has been going on for years now, I learned these things:

Most criminal assaults are perpetrated by a notorious criminal known only as "Some Dude."

Some Dude is both psychopathic and delusional, and does everything he does "for no reason."

The most likely place to be assaulted by Some Dude is "standing on the corner, minding your own business."

I get the impression that about half of all ER visits related to criminal activity have the following narrative:

"I was standing on the corner minding my own business, and Some Dude ran up and hit me with a brick for no reason."

This is so common that ER doctors and police have an acronym, SOCMOB. It stands for, obviously, "Standing on the corner, minding own business." As in, "Pt was SOCMOB &..."

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