Monday, March 7, 2011

Monday morning, 3:59 a.m.

"Hi! I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy! My brain is constantly sizzling and the government put a tattoo on my forehead to make people think I'm crazy and the FBI keeps breaking into my house every night to rearrange my shoes and poison me! I need the doctor's help so I can go to the news and tell them this! People need to know that government agents are secretly spraying acid into their ears to eat their brains away and that it will make everything smell like bacon!"

42 comments:

skidmark said...

I was thinking that there was something nefarious about that government program until I got to "and that it will make everything smell like bacon!"

Seriously? The government has finally figured out how to do this?

Where do I sign up?

stay safe.

Huderon said...

The FBI keep coming to MY house and stealing individual socks, can't find a pair anywhere! Either the FBI or I just lose them, but ask yourself, which sounds more plausible? I thought so.

Pissed Roommate said...

Mmmmm... bacon.... For once the government is doing something right!

rnraquel said...

Mmmmmm...bacon...

Anonymous said...

Maybe this bothers him because he's kosher?

Albinoblackbear said...

My brain is starting to feel like it is sizzling these days too.

I hope that isn't a prodrome...

Julie said...

did you ring them back (or make poor Mary ring them back) to make the appointment?

OldSquid said...

Caller ID: Charlie Sheen

Packer said...

OldSquid , You inked my thoughts exactly. Must be that brain vive thing the guy is talking about.

Karen W said...

Old Squid - awesome. Bacon instead of tiger blood!

Frantic Pharmacist said...

You can disregard my message, Dr. G.... I feel a lot better now.

SuFu said...

he went to the wrong blog, should have called psych doc.

ps charlie sheen is a genius. lives with 2 beautiful blondes and is going to get a new tv show that he makes multi-millions/episode. i'd be bat-schmeg crazy for that life.

Devonay said...

The government comes in my house at night and makes my jeans too tight. Maybe it's the smell of bacon...

Li'l Azathoth said...

I'm glad to see that, even in these days of budget cuts, the government is still able to find money for its most important programs.

Anonymous said...

Schizophrenic much? What do you do? Refer him?

Melissa

Knot Tellin said...

Ah, so my patients have started seeing you, too?

bobbie said...

OldSquid ~ you nailed it!!

Not House said...

I really wish there was actually a government department dedicated to "screwing with the paranoid", where their soul function was to change subtle things in people's environment if only to perpetuate the illusion that the government is that powerful and coordinated.

Anonymous said...

Neurologist. Mongolian Yak Herder. Press Agent.

Anonymous said...

Funny. Isn't breaking into people's houses and rearranging their shoes usually the job of the post office?

Anonymous said...

So White Coat's patient (March 2 post) gotta hold of your phone number?

I wonder if you could see sizzling brains on a PET scan? Set that to some German Death Metal and you got yourself YouTube gold!

Anyway, enjoy the glories of gutted community mental health. The free floor show is just starting.


SkullCandy

Dr. J said...

So generic Dr. Grumpy! It could be any of hundreds of your patients!
Dr. J

ERP said...

Let me guess. He's an orthopaedic surgeon?

webhill said...

Miss Message, I just have one question - when did you run out of the small yellow pills?

;)

Your message leaver reminds me of the client who wanted the entire staff of my alma mater's teaching hospital to sign a non-disclosure agreement stating we would under no circumstances inform the secret service, FBI, or CIA about her bringing the dog to see us.

gloria p said...

I wish it were the smell of bacon. They keep coming into my house and hiding my reading glasses.

kate said...

I think that lady called me last month! She wanted to tell me all about how the government was using satellite dishes to send out brain waves to turn us all into souless zombies. WTF??

Doris said...

Clearly needs to reinforce his tinfoil hat.

>:p

Spikat said...

Empirical research shows that use of tinfoil helmets actually *enhances* the government's efforts.

http://berkeley.intel-research.net/arahimi/helmet/

Spikat said...

Further research on the interwebs found this video of how they did it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OuhHUvl6Sc

Don said...

Silly me. I thought that editing and re-editing assembly instructions written by power point addicted engineers was the leading cause of brainrot...

The Evil Receptionist said...

Holy crap!

Was this a current patient (Damn, hope not!) or someone attempting to make a new patient visit?

terri c said...

Definitely needs a doc. Definitely not you. Damn FBI.

The Mother said...

Yeah--I don't think he needs a neurologist.

donna said...

You could retire just with this
guy alone.

bogart said...

@Not House, not the government, but a private volunteer took it upon himself to do this (B&E with ... rearranging as the goal) to another local citizen in my area. I am not making this up -- the guy would break into the other person's home (I forget details, perhaps it was an old lock susceptible to a credit card?) and ... rearrange stuff. And leave. The victim (who had started to wonder if he was nuts) put in webcams and literally caught the perpetrator at it -- said perp was subsequently convicted. So while the government may not have this down, at least one private citizen did (for awhile).

Charles said...

Man, government folks sure are busy - in addition to all that and those missing socks and jeans, they move my car every time I come out from shopping at the megamall.

Anonymous said...

Seriously paranerd.
Make him an appointment for an inteview to join FBI, before his brain gets eaten away and he loses his sense of smell.

Anonymous said...

While I'm not one to suffer fools gladly, someone who talks like this isn't just a run-of-the mill crazy patient. This person clearly has a serious mental illness, and that's not terribly humorous.

Michelle Dulak Thomson said...

I don't know, folks; to me that reads like a prankster who knows this blog and has figured out who writes it.

Anonymous said...

yes.... my vote is for bipolar disorder with a psychotic break.... paranoid? delusional? calling in the middle of the night oh yeah...

Pissed Off Patient said...

That patient occasionally comes to live with me and my family.

It's so.much.fun. I want to scream.


M

WarmSocks said...

Just because you're paranoid... doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

 
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