Monday, March 7, 2011
Monday morning, 3:59 a.m.
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"Hi! I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy! My brain is constantly sizzling and the government put a tattoo on my forehead to make people think I'm crazy and the FBI keeps breaking into my house every night to rearrange my shoes and poison me! I need the doctor's help so I can go to the news and tell them this! People need to know that government agents are secretly spraying acid into their ears to eat their brains away and that it will make everything smell like bacon!"
A Blog detailing the insanity of my medical practice and the stupidity of everyday life.
Welcome to my whining!
This blog is entirely for entertainment purposes. All posts about patients, or my everyday life, or anything else may be fictional, or be my experience, or were submitted by a reader, or any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate. I could be making all this up. I may not even be a doctor. The only true statement on here is that I probably drink more Diet Coke than you do. A lot more.
Singing Foo!
Singing Foo!
Twitter fans- you can follow me @docgrumpy
Cast of Characters:
Annie: My Phenomenal MA
Mary: My Awesome Secretary
Ed: The office fish
Dr. Pissy: The guy I share an office with
Mrs. Grumpy: My Boss (also the world's greatest school nurse)
Frank, Craig, and Marie: The Grumpy Tribe
Garlic and Riley: The Grumpy Dogs
Questions? Comments? Biting sarcasm? Write to: pagingdrgrumpy [at] gmail [dot] com
Note: I do not answer medical questions. If you are having a medical issue, see your own doctor. For all you know I'm really a Mongolian yak herder and have no medical training at all except in issues regarding the care and feeding of Mongolian yaks.
Cast of Characters:
Annie: My Phenomenal MA
Mary: My Awesome Secretary
Ed: The office fish
Dr. Pissy: The guy I share an office with
Mrs. Grumpy: My Boss (also the world's greatest school nurse)
Frank, Craig, and Marie: The Grumpy Tribe
Garlic and Riley: The Grumpy Dogs
Questions? Comments? Biting sarcasm? Write to: pagingdrgrumpy [at] gmail [dot] com
Note: I do not answer medical questions. If you are having a medical issue, see your own doctor. For all you know I'm really a Mongolian yak herder and have no medical training at all except in issues regarding the care and feeding of Mongolian yaks.
Blog Archive
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2011
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March
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- Family dinner table
- Today's criminal tip
- Idiocy
- Got yarn?
- Tuesday night, 11:37 p.m.
- Face it. You're a crappy forger.
- Quit smoking. OR ELSE!
- Nice try
- Mary's desk, March 28, 2011
- Devotion to duty
- Happy whatever
- Attention patients!
- The Horror!
- Current 20 something
- Jupiter is lovely this time of year
- Things that make me grumpy
- The Time-Traveler's Neurologist
- Ibee Idiot, M.D.
- Adventures with the Boy Scouts
- Breaking news! Stop the presses!
- Weekend reruns
- Kids
- Thursday
- Secrets of the Jedi Masters
- Entomological Neurology, Inc.
- Tips for bank robbers
- That's helpful
- Miracles of modern technology
- Sunday Funday
- Weekend reading
- March 12, 1944
- Skool Nerse Time
- Mary, bring me a Diet Coke. With rum.
- Insurance Company Follies
- Mary's Desk, March 9, 2011
- Today's fashion tip
- Timing is everything
- Mickey? Can you hear me now?
- Pointless link
- Patient quote of the day
- Monday morning, 3:59 a.m.
- Attention drunk drivers!
- Stupid dog
- But wait! There's more!
- Attention patients!
- Dear Sam's Club,
- BUSTED!!!
- Wedded bliss
- Drug interactions
- I guess that would be Dr. Grumpy then
- Taking requests
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March
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42 comments:
I was thinking that there was something nefarious about that government program until I got to "and that it will make everything smell like bacon!"
Seriously? The government has finally figured out how to do this?
Where do I sign up?
stay safe.
The FBI keep coming to MY house and stealing individual socks, can't find a pair anywhere! Either the FBI or I just lose them, but ask yourself, which sounds more plausible? I thought so.
Mmmmm... bacon.... For once the government is doing something right!
Mmmmmm...bacon...
Maybe this bothers him because he's kosher?
My brain is starting to feel like it is sizzling these days too.
I hope that isn't a prodrome...
did you ring them back (or make poor Mary ring them back) to make the appointment?
Caller ID: Charlie Sheen
OldSquid , You inked my thoughts exactly. Must be that brain vive thing the guy is talking about.
Old Squid - awesome. Bacon instead of tiger blood!
You can disregard my message, Dr. G.... I feel a lot better now.
he went to the wrong blog, should have called psych doc.
ps charlie sheen is a genius. lives with 2 beautiful blondes and is going to get a new tv show that he makes multi-millions/episode. i'd be bat-schmeg crazy for that life.
The government comes in my house at night and makes my jeans too tight. Maybe it's the smell of bacon...
I'm glad to see that, even in these days of budget cuts, the government is still able to find money for its most important programs.
Schizophrenic much? What do you do? Refer him?
Melissa
Ah, so my patients have started seeing you, too?
OldSquid ~ you nailed it!!
I really wish there was actually a government department dedicated to "screwing with the paranoid", where their soul function was to change subtle things in people's environment if only to perpetuate the illusion that the government is that powerful and coordinated.
Neurologist. Mongolian Yak Herder. Press Agent.
Funny. Isn't breaking into people's houses and rearranging their shoes usually the job of the post office?
So White Coat's patient (March 2 post) gotta hold of your phone number?
I wonder if you could see sizzling brains on a PET scan? Set that to some German Death Metal and you got yourself YouTube gold!
Anyway, enjoy the glories of gutted community mental health. The free floor show is just starting.
SkullCandy
So generic Dr. Grumpy! It could be any of hundreds of your patients!
Dr. J
Let me guess. He's an orthopaedic surgeon?
Miss Message, I just have one question - when did you run out of the small yellow pills?
;)
Your message leaver reminds me of the client who wanted the entire staff of my alma mater's teaching hospital to sign a non-disclosure agreement stating we would under no circumstances inform the secret service, FBI, or CIA about her bringing the dog to see us.
I wish it were the smell of bacon. They keep coming into my house and hiding my reading glasses.
I think that lady called me last month! She wanted to tell me all about how the government was using satellite dishes to send out brain waves to turn us all into souless zombies. WTF??
Clearly needs to reinforce his tinfoil hat.
>:p
Empirical research shows that use of tinfoil helmets actually *enhances* the government's efforts.
http://berkeley.intel-research.net/arahimi/helmet/
Further research on the interwebs found this video of how they did it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OuhHUvl6Sc
Silly me. I thought that editing and re-editing assembly instructions written by power point addicted engineers was the leading cause of brainrot...
Holy crap!
Was this a current patient (Damn, hope not!) or someone attempting to make a new patient visit?
Definitely needs a doc. Definitely not you. Damn FBI.
Yeah--I don't think he needs a neurologist.
You could retire just with this
guy alone.
@Not House, not the government, but a private volunteer took it upon himself to do this (B&E with ... rearranging as the goal) to another local citizen in my area. I am not making this up -- the guy would break into the other person's home (I forget details, perhaps it was an old lock susceptible to a credit card?) and ... rearrange stuff. And leave. The victim (who had started to wonder if he was nuts) put in webcams and literally caught the perpetrator at it -- said perp was subsequently convicted. So while the government may not have this down, at least one private citizen did (for awhile).
Man, government folks sure are busy - in addition to all that and those missing socks and jeans, they move my car every time I come out from shopping at the megamall.
Seriously paranerd.
Make him an appointment for an inteview to join FBI, before his brain gets eaten away and he loses his sense of smell.
While I'm not one to suffer fools gladly, someone who talks like this isn't just a run-of-the mill crazy patient. This person clearly has a serious mental illness, and that's not terribly humorous.
I don't know, folks; to me that reads like a prankster who knows this blog and has figured out who writes it.
yes.... my vote is for bipolar disorder with a psychotic break.... paranoid? delusional? calling in the middle of the night oh yeah...
That patient occasionally comes to live with me and my family.
It's so.much.fun. I want to scream.
M
Just because you're paranoid... doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
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