Rules

Clerk: "Emergency room, this is Kim."

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Clerk: "Please hold for Dr. Stat."

(15 seconds of ONJ's 1980 hit "Let's Get Physical")

Dr. Stat: "Dr. Grumpy? Hi, this is Suzy Stat over at Local ER. I'm a new doc here. Anyway, I have a guy who needs to establish with a neurologist, and I have you down as on call."

Dr. Grumpy: "I am, what's up?"

Dr. Stat: "Nothing big, he moved here and has a history of seizures. He hasn't had a chance to find a doc yet, and so came in here looking for a refill and referral name before he ran out."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's fine. Give him my info and a few days of meds and I'll get him in this week."

Dr. Stat: "Great. Where's your office? Isn't it south of here?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm in downtown Grumpyville."

Dr. Stat: "Oh... He lives on the south side and doesn't have a car. He needs a doc he can walk to."

Dr. Grumpy: "I..."

Dr. Stat: "Could you, like, rent an office on the south side to see him? He likely only needs to come in once a year or so."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, no. He can take a bus, or Lyft, or Uber, or whatever."

Dr. Stat: "But as the ER on-call doc you're obligated to see him."

Dr. Grumpy: "Correct, and I'm happy to do so this week. But I only have one office, and that's where he'll find me."

Dr. Stat: "Is that allowed?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Dr. Stat: "They never teach you these things in training."

Music

Cleaning out a drawer, I found a late 80's list of songs my medical school roommate (Enzyme) and I wrote down for a year-end party. They summarized our thoughts at the time on med school.

So today I'm sharing them with you:


"Up All Night" - The Boomtown Rats

"Land of Confusion" - Genesis

"Come Monday" (There's a pathology test) - Jimmy Buffet

"Pressure" - Billy Joel

"Life is Shit" - The Dead Milkmen

"Why We Pray" - M.C. Hammer 

"Hell Hole" - Spinal Tap

"I Wanna be Sedated" - The Ramones

"Wipeout" - The Surfaris

"19th Nervous Breakdown" - The Rolling Stones

"One of These Days" (dedicated to a specific pathology professor) - Pink Floyd

"Help!" - The Beatles

Hot diggity dog

 

Last night I took the kids to a Grumpyville Puck-Offs hockey game. At some point Craig declared he was hungry, so we went to the snack bar.

We were almost up to the counter, and the guy in front of us ordered a chili-dog. He paid the counter lady, and a minute later she set it in front of him.

The guy didn't leave the counter. He picked up the entire chili-dog with both hands, and in one continuous movement shoved the entire thing into his mouth.

Then he pushed the empty paper plate back across the counter, mumbled "thank you," and left.

Craig suddenly wasn't that hungry.

Breaking news!

Keeping you up to date on the stories that shape your world, Dr. Grumpy's crack reporters bring you these news flashes:


DATELINE: CALIFORNIA

Alvin Neal attempted to rob a San Diego bank by handing the teller note saying it was a robbery, and to fork over some cash.

Unfortunately, Mr. Neal also attempted to keep other bank patrons from noticing what he was doing by acting like it was normal transaction. Which, apparently, included swiping his ATM card in the slot at the teller's window, immediately putting his name, address, and phone number on her screen.

He got out of the bank with $565 in cash, but didn't get very far.

Police who tracked him down using the data also noted he's a registered sex offender.



DATELINE: NEW YORK

Joseph Talbot was pulled over and arrested for driving while intoxicated.

He was quite upset that the news story and his mugshot in the local paper would ruin his reputation, so he refused to allow them to take his picture. This got him additional charges, and they took his picture anyway. He was released on bond.

Not wanting anyone to see his picture in the paper, Mr. Talbot came up with a novel solution: He followed the newspaper's delivery trucks all over town, buying up as many copies of the paper as he could find. One stand recognized him (from his picture in the paper, no less) and called the main office. Who sent out more papers, and also noted that the story was on their news website, too, making it damn near impossible for Mr. Talbot to purchase every single one.

And, as a result of his actions, got far more attention than he'd have gotten for a DWI in the first place.



DATELINE: FLORIDA

A man attempted to burglarize a store that specializes in selling (I swear!) surveillance cameras and other anti-theft gear.

His attempts to get into the Spy-Spot Investigations store was unsuccessful, and some nice shots of his face were taken.

The store's manager commented, “I don’t know why you would try to rob a spy store. The guy’s probably not the smartest criminal.”



DATELINE: PENNSYLVANIA

The federal government has filed suit against Lone Star Western Beef, Inc. for a lack of concern for its employees.

When a worker at their processing plant accidentally severed his thumb while preparing beef jerky, another employee immediately ran over to help staunch the bleeding and called 911 on her phone.

The owner of the plant quickly ran over and made her end the call, and subsequently fired her. The deeply concerned employer then picked up the thumb and had another worker drive Mr. Thumbless to an Urgent Care center instead of an ER. The Urgent Care center, not having anywhere near the surgical capabilities of a hospital-associated ER, was unable to re-attach the thumb.


DATELINE: STOKE-ON-TRENT, ENGLAND

Residents of an apartment building for senior citizens have been forbidden from drinking alcohol and singing karaoke in common areas following the combination leading to several incidences of "unacceptable behavior."

This comes on the heels of an altercation there last month between two retired women over a Christmas decoration.

One resident told reporters, "People in Alcatraz are treated better."

Hospital rounds

Dr. Grumpy: "When did this start?"

Mr. Son: "Around 2:30. She suddenly slumped over to her right, and couldn't talk."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's when you called 911?"

Mr. Son: "No, my wife and I helped her to a bench outside the store."

Dr. Grumpy: "When did you call paramedics?"

Mr. Son: "After I finished returning all the shitty Christmas gifts. You wouldn't believe how long the line was."

Holiday update!

We interrupt this vacation to welcome 2 new characters to the pages of Dr. Grumpy:

Garlic and Onion!

 

 

 

These are a pair of 7 year-old brother-sister litter mates who have never been separated. Their previous owner was unable to keep them and took them to a rescue, and now they've joined us. We only went to look at one, but taking them both was part of the deal, and how could we resist?

We have no real idea what they are, besides totally awesome dogs.

Mello is doing fine with them.

Remember, if you're looking for a great family friend this holiday, contact a rescue or humane society near you.

Holiday treats

Craig decided to make cookies this weekend. They were a little, um, difficult, to get off the baking sheet:

Does anyone else think the broken spatula is giving me the finger?


And that's a wrap for 2016, gang. I'm shutting down for the holidays, and will be back in 3 weeks. See you on January 9th!

Thank you all for sticking with me, making comments, and keeping this fun for the last 8 years. Looking forward to 2017!

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

With the end of the year coming, we all know what that means: hanging out with friends, eating enormous amounts of food, and watching football. Those bowl games are right around the corner.

Of course, these are your friends coming over, so you want the best for game day: Beer, chips, and uh, I guess more beer.

But are your friends the discerning type who insist on high quality? The kind of connoisseurs who prefer Keystone beer to Budweiser? The epicurean master foodies who, after 4-5 cans of shitty reasonably priced brews will know the difference between Tostitos, Doritos, and the generic store-brand?

If so, then you need to serve them something truly special!

For only $56 you can get a delectable box of St. Erik's chips, made by the Swedish brewery.

Yeah, I said $56 bucks.

Featuring ingredients like truffle seaweed, Ammarnäs potatoes, Matsutake mushrooms, crown dill, and Leksand onions, these are the chips that are guaranteed to turn your beer-swilling gathering of buddies into an Edwardian soirée that will be talked about for years.

In case I didn't mention it, what you see above is exactly what you get: each $56 box contains only 5 chips, one in each flavor.

Yep. You read that correctly.

So this works out to $11.20 per chip. Plan accordingly as to how many boxes you'll need.

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Home decor is such a personal issue. Taste is variable, and what one person likes may be hideous to another.

Fortunately, some things are universal. We all want a comfortable home, a nice hot shower, a decent meal, and, of course, a wall portrait of an older woman using an asthma inhaler:

What's that? Your friend's abode is sadly lacking in this respect? Well, now you know what to get them. For only $28 this lovely accent can be ordered from Amazon, and their life will be complete.

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Did a loved one pass this year, leaving you with an urn above the fireplace? That seems so trite. There has to be something better to aspire to for all eternity.

How about reincarnating them as a coffee mug?

"Auntie Em? Is that you?"

For only a few hundred bucks this place will convert the dearly departed into a serving bowl, or candle holder, or jewelry, or dinnerware... The possibilities are endless!

Think of the looks you'll get when you reach into a cabinet and say "I'm taking grandma out for coffee" (and laugh maniacally) or ask a guest "can you pass Aunt Zelda's mashed potatoes?"

No word on the site if they make dental implants or toilets, but it never hurts to ask.

Gift guide

Life is full of tough decisions, especially when you have $85 to blow. What should you spend it on?

Like most people, you're probably thinking "if only there was a decent rock in a leather half-pouch I can get for only $85, but I can't find one."

Fortunately, Nordstrom has heard your cries, and is now selling exactly that: a solid rock, found somewhere in the Los Angeles area, and lovingly sewn into a leather case.

 

"You're shitting me, right?"

Order it here. The possibilities are endless! You (or the lucky recipient) can use this $85-rock-in-a-half-leather-case as a paperweight, doorstop, or artistic commentary on sado-masochism's relationship to classical philosophy's effects on the fabric of human relationships.

And, best of all, when someone asks "What did you get for Christmakuh?" You can say...

Breaking news

Keeping you up to date on the world around you, we at the Grumpy Neurological Emporium news division strive to bring you the most important stories.



Dateline: Florida.

A car with 4 days of parking tickets all over the windshield was found to have a dead body inside, slumped over the steering wheel. The unfortunate man had apparently died of natural causes shortly after getting into his vehicle.

The city of Fort Lauderdale has kindly agreed to dismiss the accumulated parking fines due to "extenuating circumstances."



Dateline: Oregon


Craig Buckner, after being arrested on drug charges (he'd fallen asleep while waiting outside a courtroom on other charges and was drug tested - I swear)  was worried about his pet parrot's well-being. This is understandable, as the bird (imaginatively named "Bird") had been left outside the building in a tree.

Mr. Buckner was allowed to retrieve Bird the bird, but then Bird refused to be separated from him when they took the mugshot. After a few attempts officers decided to wing it, and snapped the picture anyway:

(Photo: Multnomah County Sheriff's Office via AP)

 
Dateline: Florida (again)

Unidentified burglars climbed over a backyard fence at night, hoping to break into a house. Due to them failing to scope out the area in advance, they landed on top of the owner's beehive, knocking it over.

The occupants were buzzing mad about beeing woken up, and chased away the evildoers.

Local hospitals have been asked to bee on the lookout for anyone coming in with an unusual number of stings.

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

This time of year festive is everything. We all want to look festive, act festive, and be so sickeningly festive that total strangers will give us money to go away.

Of course, all this festivity comes to naught if your anus doesn't smell equally festive, too.

Fortunately, Tesco (the same company that brought you horsemeat burgers and bolognese sauce) is, for a limited time only, selling...

Mulled spice scented toilet paper!

Yes, now you can smell holiday-fresh EVERYWHERE (and I mean everywhere). But you better hurry, because this cosmetic necessity is only available until December 23.


BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! If having an invigoratingly holiday-smelling rectum isn't enough for you, you can now get mulled spice scented toilet bleach! Just in case Santa needs to use the john and puts his head below the rim to make sure you're on his nice list.

And (I SWEAR!) this toilet bleach is not only scented, but the site says it's safe for use by vegetarians and vegans.

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Nikolaos of Myra was born in 270 A.D. in the area now called Turkey.

And today I suspect a lot of seismic activity in the middle east is caused by him spinning rapidly in his grave. Because this is the man who, over roughly 1500 years, became Santa Claus in Western culture, appearing in shopping malls, used car lots, TV specials, Viagra commercials, movies, condom ads, and heaven knows what else.

I think Nikolaos would be pretty horrified by the whole spectacle of what he's become.

Even more horrifying, at least to me, are the Santa-themed business suits that are promoted as things you can wear to important meetings this time of year. I suppose this is a measure of job security. The only men likely to wear these outfits are the ones who know they can't be fired and those who want to be.

What am I talking about? Not the generic St. Nick suit that abounds on fat bearded guys working in department stores this time of year, but these hideous ensembles of jacket, slacks, and a tie:

"Hey, ladies, want to check out my sack?"

"The sneakers are for running, since this outfit is a chick magnet."

These are not, I must stress, pajamas. For PJ's they might be sort of cute. But no, someone designed and is selling them as standard business attire for this time of year.

So here's a perfect gift for the guy who... (let me get back to you on that).