Gift guide - Star Wars edition - part II

So yesterday I ranted about all the horrible shit that surrounds the Star Wars movies. But here's one you may not know about. Even worse, I admit I watched it first run.

In 1970's American television, pretty much anyone who had some claim to celebrity got either a variety show and/or Christmas special. Captain and Tennille? Check. Shields and Yarnell? Yep. KISS television special? Of course (REALLY! It was called "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park" and was a strange production of the rock group - with superpowers - solving a Scooby-Doo type mystery). Mercifully, the trend ended before we had the "Men Without Hats Variety Hour."

So, of course, in 1977 there was the hurriedly slapped together Star Wars holiday special. Featuring all the original actors (who likely weren't sure they'd ever work again at this point) as well as such 1970's TV staples as Bea Arthur, Art Carney, and Harvey Korman. Not to mention R2D2 "as himself."

Realistically, I'm not sure it was any worse than the prequels Episodes I-III. And, when it got bad, at least there was a commercial for Sears, Close-Up toothpaste, or whatever was "coming up next!" to break the monotony.

Be sure to get a copy now for the person who has to have EVERYTHING Star Wars related. Because where else can you see Star Wars featuring special musical guests Diahann Carroll and Jefferson Starship?

"Use the force, Luke... and change the fucking channel."

Gift guide - Star Wars edition - part I

My first contact with Star Wars was in the spring of 1977, when my friend Mark and his family took me to see Wizards, a sadly forgotten, but quite good, animated movie by Ralph Bakshi. The showing was preceded by a "coming attractions" trailer for Star Wars. The only thing I remember of it at all was Chewbacca (though to my aging memory I thought he had white fur in the clip), storm troopers, and lasers. I saw the movie itself a few weeks later. For the first few months after seeing it I thought the storm troopers were supposed to be robots, not guys in worthless armor.

Little did I, or anyone, know where this would lead us. Consider: In the 1970's, my dad showed me old clips of the Flash Gordon cliff hanger serials he went to see in the theaters on Saturdays. At that time the serials were roughly 40 years old. Some nostalgia for them, yes, but certainly not appealing to a new generation. Even the campy 1980 movie, with Queen doing the soundtrack, wasn't able to re-start the franchise.

Today? Well, it's almost 40 years later, similar time difference now from when Star Wars first came out... and it's more popular than ever. Kids still are fascinated with it. Adults still are fascinated. Some argue that the new movie is being pushed down our throats, but let's face it: this is all driven by money. If there wasn't a huge demand for it, no studio would put up the money to make it. Like the heavy criticism of early-opening Black Friday sales, the bottom line is that it's being done by consumers, not by stores. If there was no public demand to go kill someone to buy discounted TV's at 2:00 a.m., no store would waste money being open at that time.

The original Star Wars, likely because no one expected it to be a success (least of all 20th Century Fox who only spent a paltry $9 million for it) had no product tie-ins initially. Movie merchandising was nothing new even then. Toys and fast-food movie-related crap have been around a while.

But certainly, once the movie exploded in the theaters, the commercial tie-ins took off like mad. A pattern that followed its successors and changed the industry forever began.

But I don't remember it being this insane. And that's saying a lot considering I remember the bizarre 1999 ads featuring Colonel Sanders (with a lightsaber), the Taco Bell chihuahua, and the previously unknown (and not seen since) Pizza Hut Girl (Really! That was her name!) uniting to fight the dark side and make the galaxy safe for greasy food, strokes, and coronary artery disease.

It reminds me of a late 70's Funky Winkerbean strip (back when it was funny) where a TV program was interviewing a producer about the characters in a new space movie, and all the toys, fast food collectible cups, T-shirts, and other merchandise from them. As the strip went on he admitted they hadn't actually made a movie at all, since it seemed like a waste of marketing dollars.

Anyway, besides the previously published Darth Vader shower and toaster, here are some of the merchandising horrors (thanks to all who sent them) you can consider for the co-worker you don't like but have to get something for, the person who actually collects every POS that says "limited collector's edition" even if it's something no one in their right mind (except Frank) would actually put in their closet, and anyone else who's just dying to own a pair of Yoda-themed dish sponges.

Anyone else remember the 70's comic book where Vader picked up a cup of coffee and you wondered how he was going to drink it? Anyone?

Foreigners putting the Lucky Charms leprechaun out of a job.

 

To show you I'm not above this... Here is my own, original, 1977 Chewbacca miniature action figure. It came in a set with R2D2 (which made clicking noises when you turned its head), Luke Skywalker (with an extendable, and rapidly broken, lightsaber in the right arm) and one other figure I don't remember. Maybe Ben Kenobi. As you can see, Chewbacca has a broken left hip. I think I still have R2D2 somewhere, without legs and a marble stuck in him, and maybe Luke, with the left arm gone and the lightsaber broken. Probably in the back of Frank's closet.

Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I borrowed them all from my friend Mike and didn't give them back (maybe I stole them). Sorry, Mike. If I can find you on Google I'll ship 'em over.


To be continued...

Dr. Grumpy's 2015 Gift Guide

Your Catholic friend didn't get to see the Pope during his smash-hit 2015 "No Mass 'til Hammersmith" American tour, and is very depressed about it. What can you get to cheer her up? A souvenir "My friend met the Pope and all I got was this crappy T-shirt" top? A box of "Holy Whites! The official bleach of Vatican City" ? Or maybe something truly meaningful like...

A solar-powered Pope!

This amazingly life-like statue of His Holiness will happily reside on your dashboard. In direct sunlight (sonlight?) he'll wave at passersby, cheering them with his radiance. And you just know it's made in China, too.

For those of you who prefer the British royalty, you may notice the solar-powered Queen at the bottom right (Leigh, who sent this, didn't get a separate pic). You can make out the top of her blue hat. Like her plastic brethren Pontiff, Her Majesty will stand on your dashboard and wave. I admit I was kind of disappointed to find out that's what the solar-powered Queen was. I was hoping for Freddie Mercury, because I'd definitely buy that. He was awesome.

It's nice to know that, here in the 21st century, the human ingenuity to create pointless gadgets to be unloaded at discount stores is limitless.

Pathology

I'm with a patient and her son.

Dr. Grumpy: "I think the next step is going to be getting further labs and..."


There's a knock on the door. Mary leans in and says my call partner, Dr. Brain, is on the phone and needs to talk to me immediately. I apologize to my patient and pick up the phone.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Brain: "Ibee! Do you remember that guy you saw last weekend at the hospital?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I saw 28 consults last weekend. I have no idea who you're talking about."

Dr. Brain: "It was the guy with the stroke!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, that narrows it down to about 27 of them."

Dr. Brain: "Clinically he looked like a left deep white matter stroke? He was the one visiting from Farawayville? Now you remember him?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Vaguely... Why?"

Dr. Brain: "What other area do you think could cause his symptoms?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm with a patient here. Is there some reason you had me interrupted for this?"

Dr. Brain: "Well, there was an article, maybe you remember, in the May, 2007 issue of Archives of Intellectual Masturbation about the statistical distribution of deep white matter strokes in..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Look, obviously this isn't urgent. I have a patient here, and I'm going to hang up now. If you want to argue about a differential you have my home number. Or bother Dr. Cortex or Dr. Nerve."

Dr. Brain: "You should have more enthusiasm for your work."

Click

Gift guide 2015

Barbie is so passé. Nowadays she has all these different kits to convince little girls that they can be doctors, or astronauts, or nuclear physicists. Whatever happened to dolls that really encourage a young lady's ambitions?

Well, maybe your daughter needs this:

"Is this the T&A journey the doctor told me about?"

Yes, this lovely toy will help your precious princess set her sites on a REAL career: working for tips at a strip club. What more can a girl ask for? Maybe some Ken dolls to fill the place, and little $1 bills.

Of course, the pole dancer needs a pet she can go home and relax with:

Seen at the doctor's

Handed to patients at a pediatric ENT's office:

"Is this what the guys in the frat told me about?"

Thank you, Allyson!

Cha-ching!

 

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Panic: "My wife needs to get in RIGHT AWAY! She was at the hospital yesterday, and they told her to follow-up with Dr. Grumpy this week!"

Mary: "Okay... The only opening I have left this week is Friday morning at 8:30."

Mr. Panic: "FRIDAY?!!! That's 4 days away! Don't you have anything sooner? She really needs to get in ASAP!"

Mary: "No, we don't, but the schedule changes a lot, and someone may cancel. How about I call you if anything opens up?"

Mr. Panic: "PLEASE! I'm worried about her!"


They hang up. 1 minute later:


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Mom: "Hi, I have an appointment at 1:30 today, and my kid cracked a tooth at school. I have to take him to the dentist. I need to cancel. Can I call back tomorrow to reschedule?"

Mary: "Sure. I'll take you off here. Hope your son is okay."

Mrs. Mom: "Thanks, I'll call in the morning."


They hang up. 1 minute later:


Mr. Panic: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, Mr. Panic. It's Mary, at Dr. Grumpy's office. I spoke to you a minute ago about getting your wife in before Friday, and we just had a spot open up for today, at 1:30."

Mr. Panic: "1:30... No, we're going over to the casino this afternoon. It's the 'Monday Madness' slot tournament."

Gift Guide 2015

With the release of a new Star Wars film, commercialization of movie tie-ins has exceeded all previous levels, bringing us products we never knew we needed.

Do you have a friend with a crush on Darth Vader? Do they possess a fetish for loud, mechanical, respirations, and hide in ICU supply closets more than most? Do they talk about the Dark Lord seeing them naked in the shower?

Then this is perfect for them!

"Come to the other side... of the shower curtain."

Yes, with the official Darth Vader shower head your sithsexual friends can live out their darkest fantasies, re-enacting the "Psycho" scene with Anakin Skywalker instead of Norman Bates. Loud, stridorous, respirations aren't included, but I'm sure they can make their own.

Tuesday morning, 1:09 a.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Anna Flaxis: "Hi, I saw you last week, and you gave me a prescription for Nitrocin? I think I'm having an allergic reaction to it."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's going on?"

Anna Flaxis: "Since then I've been very lightheaded, and I've noticed some weird bumps on my hands and face, and I just don't feel well."

Dr. Grumpy: "When did you last take a dose?"

Anna Flaxis: "I haven't yet."

Dr. Grumpy: "You haven't taken any today?"

Anna Flaxis: "I haven't taken any at all. I dropped the script off at Pill Haus, but haven't had a chance to get back there."

Dr. Grumpy: "So you haven't even started it?"

Anna Flaxis: "No, and I'm not going to, either. I mean, if just having you prescribe the drug makes me feel this way, I hate to think what actually taking it will do."

2015 Gift Guide

Yes, as the planet's revolution brings us back around to the holiday season, it's once again time for the annual... Dr. Grumpy's Gift Guide!

I'm going to kick off this year with a musical item. How many times have you been at a party and thought, "Gee, it would really liven up this party if I could just whip out a flute to crank tunes?" I know, it's a pretty common occurrence.

At the same time, how often do you find yourself trying to cover up an attack of terrible flatulence in a social setting, and wishing you had a way to cleverly hide it? Me, too.

Well, now you can solve both problems with... THE RECTOFLUTE!

"Boy, can that asshole play the flute."

Simply slip this gadget, with its "ergonomic easy entry shape" into your rear end, and start ripping off some tunes! Using the muscles of your nether regions you can perform all kinds of colonic symphonies. Plus, it comes in 3 vibrant colors!

It doesn't say if it comes with any sort of manual, training DVD, or shit sheet music.

Dr. Grumpy takes no responsibility for your laundry bills if you play with too much enthusiasm.

Black friday was HELL

Seen at a San Diego Costco on Saturday morning:

Some "fusion" cuisines... just don't work

Thank you, H!

Heading west for the 4-day holiday. See you next week!

The good old days

Earlier this year, Medscape ran some awesome 1940's-1950's era medical ads, and I'd like to share my favorites with you (you can click on the link above to see them all).


This one is just awesome. I mean, how better to face the challenges of everyday life and bad hats than to pop amphetamines?

"How does Ellen Sherman do it all? She’s smart. She takes Speed!"

Next is this pic, by the great Dr. Frank Netter. It's called "Ambulance Call" and shows a cheery scene of an elderly lady being hauled off to the hospital while her neighbors gawk.

 

What product was this advertising? Actually, none at all. Then why, you're asking, was it in a medical journal? Because the picture ("suitable for framing") was sponsored by Chicago's Armour Laboratories, and - get this - was available for FREE to doctors who wrote in and requested a copy for their waiting room. Because nothing gives you more confidence in the doc you're about to see than thinking his last patient was carried away on a stretcher.



Old ads saying that doctors prefer a certain cigarette brand aren't uncommon. This one, however, got my attention.

"70 years from now we'll be sampling pot at the Seattle meeting."

Why? Because here they are pushing them at medical conventions. Yes, out there on the sales floor, between booths selling pharmaceuticals, EEG machines, locums offers, and other stuff... are tobacco companies peddling their wares as a normal part of a medical practice.

Then there's this gem:

"What the fuck? I have to wait another 40 years for them to invent Diet Coke?"

Yes, apparently when the doctor has had a shitty day of irate patients nothing will perk him up more than a paper cup full of tomato juice. Honestly, if someone offered me anything non-caffeinated and/or alcohol-free in that situation... I'd probably throw it at them.

I also have to wonder exactly what kind of refreshment they're REALLY trying to sell... Which leads us to:

This one, about the eternal scourge of armed forces around the world, VD.

"Phil, have the art department make the ampules look more phallic."

Ads like this were actually pretty common in WWII, showing how drug companies (Merck, in this case) were contributing to the Allied victory by keeping winkies and their owners healthy, so they could go get killed somewhere else.

Then for the home front, was this ad intended for Rosie the Riveter. It features (I SWEAR TO GOD!) the top-secret blueprint for... a tampon.

Gotta love the slogan "don't let morale ebb with the flow." Likely the same ad agency that 60 years later thought up "have a happy period."



And last is this one, reminding us that yesterday's health food is today's heart attack. Next thing you know they'll be claiming that cigarettes cause cancer.

"If butter is good for you, straight lard must be even better."

Saturday afternoon

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Ms. Wilter: "Yeah, I called your office yesterday, about a refill on my Spazinox?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I approved that, and Annie called it in."

Ms. Wilter: "Oh REALLY? Because I just stopped by Pill Haus, and THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, I know she called it in. I was in her office when she made the call."

Ms. Wilter: "Well, that doesn't change the fact that I'm standing in Pill Haus and IT'S NOT HERE!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Which Pill Haus are you at? There are a lot of them. We called it to the one on Starr & Harrison, like you wanted."

Ms. Wilter: "So what? I'm at the one at Narn & Centauri, and regardless of what Annie said MY SPAZINOX ISN'T HERE!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Then why... did you ask us to call it in to the one at Starr & Harrison?"

Ms. Wilter: "Why would it matter?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, because they're different stores, like, 5 miles apart?"

Ms. Wilter: "But they're both Pill Haus pharmacies! If you call it in to any of them, they all fill it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, no, just the one we call it too."

Pause

Ms. Wilter: "I thought that when you call it in to any Pill Haus, it goes to every store, and so they all get it ready for you. That way, I can pick it up anywhere I am. Isn't that part of the internet and all? That all their stores are connected and fill it for you, so you can just go to any of their places to get it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, they just fill it at the one we call it to."

Ms. Wilter: "Well, that's not very convenient, or customer friendly. I'm going to complain to them about this."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. Your Spazinox is at Starr & Harrison. Have a good one."