Thursday, December 10, 2015


I'm with a patient and her son.

Dr. Grumpy: "I think the next step is going to be getting further labs and..."

There's a knock on the door. Mary leans in and says my call partner, Dr. Brain, is on the phone and needs to talk to me immediately. I apologize to my patient and pick up the phone.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Brain: "Ibee! Do you remember that guy you saw last weekend at the hospital?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I saw 28 consults last weekend. I have no idea who you're talking about."

Dr. Brain: "It was the guy with the stroke!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, that narrows it down to about 27 of them."

Dr. Brain: "Clinically he looked like a left deep white matter stroke? He was the one visiting from Farawayville? Now you remember him?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Vaguely... Why?"

Dr. Brain: "What other area do you think could cause his symptoms?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm with a patient here. Is there some reason you had me interrupted for this?"

Dr. Brain: "Well, there was an article, maybe you remember, in the May, 2007 issue of Archives of Intellectual Masturbation about the statistical distribution of deep white matter strokes in..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Look, obviously this isn't urgent. I have a patient here, and I'm going to hang up now. If you want to argue about a differential you have my home number. Or bother Dr. Cortex or Dr. Nerve."

Dr. Brain: "You should have more enthusiasm for your work."



Anonymous said...

As junior associate editor of the Archives of Intellectual Masturbation, I want to thank you. Your citation of our paper could improve our journal's Impact Factor. With your help, we might hit our goal of 0.01.

Anonymous said...

If he's the Brain, does that mean you're Pinky?

Marni said...

I love neurologists. You guys are so smart. That being said, in my experience neurologists tend to be somewhat...socially challenged.

Not you, of course, Dr. Grumpy!

Mage said...

Whoops. Are you going to change partners?

Anonymous said...

Wow. Someone who actually reads "Archives of Intellectual Masturbation" for the articles.

Anonymous said...

Got to hand it to you.Dr. Grumpy, you have a real talent for making names up. 'Archives of Intellectual Masturbation', hands down, the perfect name.

Anonymous said...

Meanwhile 6 patients in Dr. Brain's office have left without being seen because they're tired of waiting. They've rescheduled with Dr. Grumpy (despite his "lack of job enthusiasm".)

Anonymous said...

Are the Archives of Intellectual Masturbation published by the same house as Journal of Nursing Nonsense.

Packer said...

Me thinks his therapist suggested he make some friends and this was the opening gambit. You just set him back 45 sessions.

Anonymous said...

He was trying to pick your brain, ..., just trying ... , ummm. 'Trying' might be a good word to describe how you felt his efforts were affecting your last nerve. Sounds, like an ongoing discussion from 2007, did you and he share a subscription to AIM at the time?

Anonymous said...

Just Wow.

gloriap said...

I think Mary was not on her A game. How could she have not guessed that Dr. B was trying to fill the time from a patient who missed his appointment?

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