Monday, September 15, 2014

Red, Red, Wine

Dear Western Intermountain Neurological Organization,

A reader kindly forwarded your recent conference invitation.

I have to say, I had no idea the "intermountain" states even had their own neurology organization. Why such an organization is necessary is beyond me, as I'm not aware of groups such as "Neurological Association of States that begin with an N" or "United Neurologists of Civil War Border States" or even "Neurologists Organized in Cities with Fewer than 10 Letters in Their Names."

But, I digress.

Anyway, what caught my eye on the invite was your acronym:




Generally, a title like that doesn't bring up images of a bunch of neurologists sitting in a darkened lecture hall learning about the latest research in mitochondrial disorders. Liver transplants, maybe.

Your site name, winomeeting.org, isn't bad, either. Sounds like an organization I'm ready to join after a crappy day at work. Or night on call. Or... Screw it, I'm ready to join now, provided your standards are above Night Train Express and Thunderbird. But I'm willing to negotiate.

I see this year's meeting is being held in Salt Lake City, generally not a place I think of for its widespread availability of alcoholic beverages. The last time I was there (2012) I saw a bleary-eyed dude standing on a street corner drinking from a bottle wrapped in a paper bag... and it was milk. I'm guessing he was an RM re-adjusting to big city life.

Your site says the meeting will "stimulate your thinking" and that my $150 registration fee includes breakfast and lunch. Will funeral potatoes be served? Fry Sauce? Green Jello? It would also be helpful if you noted what stimulants and beverage vintages are included with the meals, preferably ones I can mix with Diet Coke.

The idea of a room full of docs wearing nametags that say "WINO" is also entertaining. Especially if the featured speaker is unshaven, slurring, shabbily dressed, and tremulous.

The site also has this price list:




I have no idea which companies want to set up a booth at a WINO meeting, but I'd love to see what they're wearing. I'm imagining guys who look like they just spent the night sleeping on a bench in Temple Square (but without the black name tag) sampling beverages that can double as lighter fluid. Also, I think it would be cool to watch sales reps for Campral and Two Buck Chuck working the crowd together.

Lastly, while I don't live anywhere near a mountain, I'd still like to join your organization. Because nothing would be more impressive than to have a framed certificate that says "WINO" in big letters hanging amongst my diplomas.

It may actually improve my Yelp ratings.

Thank you, Mike!

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is there an Eastern I.N.O.? The western in the name is redundant. But then, maybe they didn't want to call themselves the I.N.O., either.

Anonymous said...

(Hitting himself on the head) So THAT'S where all the WINOS meet!
Thank you for clearing that up for me. Now I can cross that off my unanswered question list.

Pierre said...

well, delirium tremens IS a neurological symptom, so maybe there is a link...

Anonymous said...

"Please check the enclosed card to indicate whether you prefer Wild Irish Rose or Night Train Express for breakfast, and whether you prefer Cisco or MD 20/20 for lunch."

Anonymous said...

At last year's plenary session, a guy came up to the podium and talked for 45 minutes. It wasn't until well into the Q&A that everyone realized he wasn't lecturing about the latest research in mitochondrial disorders. He'd just wandered in off the street with the DTs.

Anonymous said...

"Conference registration fee is payable by credit card, money order, or aluminum cans."

United Neurologists of Civil War Border States (Northern Division) said...

Actually, we split into two separate groups years ago. Long story.

Anonymous said...

The problem is that meetings tend to split into the "New York and New Hampshire" faction, the "North Dakota and North Carolina" faction, and the "Nebraska and Nevada" faction. But at least they can all gang up on New Jersey...

Anonymous said...

Well, I got my daily fix of laughter! Now, I guess I'm due for some tears....

Shellye said...

I am sobbing with laughter! WINO! Funeral potatoes! OMG!

Anonymous said...

Well, the acronym caught my eye. Those neurologists are an eccentric bunch, aren't they? (As compared to proctologists, internal medicine docs, and electrophysiologists?)

Ms. Donna said...

Mom always said the Neuros (ists and surgeons) were the "problem children" on any floor.

Now I know what she is talking about.

I double-dog and cat-dare you to join. I think noticing a pts reaction to the certificate would give you lots of unfiltered clinical feedback.

Rebecca Hoover said...

Me thinks you've spent a fair amount of time in Utah if you're familiar with funeral potatoes (delish btw) and fry sauce. Love it.

Anonymous said...

Do I receive CME from WINO? If that's the case, I'm off for a post-call beverage...

Anonymous said...

Reserve your park bench now to get the conference rate.

tbunni said...

So after reading the above, I'm guessing "funeral potatoes" are a Utah and/or Morman thing? Please enlighten this Quaker-raised Oregonian pagan... And is fry sauce different there as well?

Anonymous said...

They're the neurologists who bug YOU to give THEM Percocet...

Denise Perry said...

You know how when someone dies, friends/family/neighbors tend to bring food to the deceased's family? Apparently, funeral potatoes got their name because it was the traditional dish to bring.

The dish usually consists of hash browns or cubed potatoes, cheese (cheddar or Parmesan), onions, cream soup (chicken, mushroom, or celery) or a cream sauce, sour cream, and is topped with butter and corn flakes or crushed potato chips. Ingredients in other variations include cubed baked ham, frozen peas, or broccoli florets.

(If I got any of that information wrong, it's wikipedia's fault.)

Zach said...

@tbunni - So, as a Utah kid and a Mormon, I will help! "Funeral potatoes" are a Mormon thing, basically a baked cheesy potato dish that's easy to qhip together to feed family after a funeral. "Fry sauce" is usually just ketchup and mayo, but some local varieties are more complex (I like to mix in a Taco Bell "fire" sauce packet with mine). Much more common in Utah than elsewhere.

"RM" in Mormon lingo means "returned missionary", so a young man or woman who has served their LDS mission and come home. It might mean something different to Dr. Grumpy, but he seems somewhat familiar with Mormon tropes, so who knows!

Regarding "Intermountain", that's just the region. Utah, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, sometimes Idaho. The Mountain West or Intermountain West is kind of the "not really anywhere else" catch-all for these states.

Anyway, funny post.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, I do know Salt Lake City is sometimes publicized with the acronym SL,UT, so this sounds like quite the fun time WINOs and SL,UTs. About par . . .

awesomesauciness said...

I'm amused with the WINOs, and saddened that I know what Night Train Express and Thunderbird taste like.

*herk*

Anonymous said...

BYO-Ripple

Boy, you Neuroticists sure know how to have a good time- hiccup.

Packer said...

Amusing acronyms have been in vogue forever. SNAFU is one that comes to mind. But they have surely been around since I attended Junior High School with Jacques Strappe, Peter Puller, Daisy Chain, Harry Balls, Bob Weyer and all the other miscreants who would show up when there was a substitute teacher. I suspect that some of those folks make up acronyms for a living.

Cape Cod Step-Mom said...

Raised Mormon funeral potatoes are the bomb.....for your arteries too.

Alanna said...

Man, as a life-long Mormon and someone who spent a long time going to school in Utah, you NAILED it. I laughed so hard at this post!

Anonymous said...

Oh, man, Two Buck Chuck with the Blood of Rats and Birds.

Seriously. They mechanically harvest the grapes. That means that bird nests, live birds, rats, mice, etc get trapped in the harvest and everything gets stuck. Then it gets squashed and you get nice blood and bone marrow in your wine.

Anonymous said...

Really? Seriously, now. If you're stomping on mechanically harvested grapes, don't you think that you could at least pick the nests out of the mash-up?

Anonymous said...

SLC has some of the best micobreweries known to man. Plenty of pubs, too. I'd hang out there. But, see in Idaho, where I think there's more of a Mormon population than in SLC, we don't have those luxuries. :) But we do have jello. Lots and lots of green jello.

Anonymous said...

With Two Buck Chuck, that's just it. It's all mechanical, there's no human involved so the nests just remain. I read an article about ho it's made and it was mentioned excessively clearly how there is almost no human involvement. It's Two Buck Chuck after all, not Six Buck Chuck.

Michael Randolph said...

I am Pharmacist, and I have always referred to middle aged women who rely on Xanax and wine to get through the day as WINOs

 
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