Dear Mr. President,
We now face a national crisis of such serious proportions that it dwarfs other issues, such as global warming, health care, and middle-east peace. It now threatens the very fabric of our society, and directly affects every citizen. And I can remain silent no longer.
It's still September, and every store near me ALREADY HAS THEIR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP!
I have nothing against the holidays, Mr. President. Peace on Earth and all that stuff. But moving them up as if they were being held in another time-zone or alternate universe is getting out-of-hand. As far as I know, Christmas hasn't budged in my lifetime. And treating every day like it was Christmas (like the stores seem to want me to do) is not helping.
The well-respected Nick documentary program, The Fairly Oddparents, has carefully researched what would happen if Christmas were held every day (Episode 107, air date 12-12-01 I have kids, OKAY!). Their conclusion? It would be catastrophic.
There also seems to be a degree of unintentional discrimination. For example, Hanukkah starts almost a week before Christmas this year, but I don't see Hanukkah decorations going up 1 week before the Christmas ones. In fact, I haven't seen any at all yet. Or Kwanzaa stuff. Or Festivus. Or New Year's.
This seasonal perversion extends to other holidays, too. I mean, by January 2nd most stores are decked out with Easter junk, and on July 5th the Halloween crap is up.
So, Mr. President, I propose the following, federally mandated solutions (please note: I'm only including those holidays that retailers love. Let's face it, not many of us are out there buying gifts for Groundhog day or cards for Columbus day. I'm also leaving out local holidays like Delaware Statehood Day, the Montana Huckleberry Harvest Celebration, and the Byron, Illinois, Turkey Testicle Festival).
Valentine's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of January.
St. Patrick's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until after March 1st.
Passover/Easter decorations will NOT be put up until after St. Patrick's day.
Independance day decorations (July 4th) will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of June.
Halloween stuff will NOT be put up before October 1st
Thanksgiving Stuff will NOT be put up before November 1st.
Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus stuff will NOT be put up until the day after Thanksgiving.
(Please note: there should be some flexibility here, as Hanukkah and Easter/Passover may vary, but decorations should NOT be hung more then 3 weeks prior to holiday onset).
An alternative plan would be to have a single annual holiday combining all of the above, called St. Christmukahpasseastkwanpatfourthnewfestgivingween. Decorations for the combined holidays may be hung for 30 days prior to this event, and MUST be removed the day after.
Punishment for business owners who violate these laws would be on a 3-step basis:
1st offense: Business license revoked for one month.
2nd offense: Tarred, feathered, and forced to eat fruitcake.
3rd offense: Drawn and quartered, then served with fava beans and a nice chianti.
Ibee Grumpy, M.D.