Thursday, January 19, 2012

Why do I bother?

Dr. Grumpy: "Did that medicine help?"

Mr. Pill: "I don't know. The pharmacy never filled it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Whaaa..."

Mr. Pill: "I dropped it off last month, but they never called to tell me it was ready."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you go by to get it? Or call them to ask if it was ready?"

Mr. Pill: "Was I supposed to?"

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The ink is black, the page is white

Race relations are more complex than passing laws and saying "look, we elected/hired a black person." A lot of the time real change is seen at a level that politicians and activists won't even tell you about.

So here's a story that you won't hear on the news or from a politico's mouth.

I have a patient, an elderly white man. His wife died 2 years ago, and he has no kids or local siblings. In 2010 he developed a relentlessly progressive neurological disease, with increasing disability over time.

A long time ago, when he was a teenager, his parents were prominent members of the Grumpyville community. When a group of black families wanted to build a community center, the majority of Grumpyville whites fought like hell to keep them from doing so. Because, after all, they were black people.

But Mr. Patient's parents were different. They had this bizarre (for the time) view that people were equal, and should be treated fairly. So they stood up against the majority of the community, bought a parcel of land for the community center, and then financed a large part of it out of their own pockets.

So it got built. And became a successful (and still in existence) black center in Grumpyville. Years went by. Mr. Patient's parents grew old and died, and then Mr. Patient grew old and sick.

There's nobody at the community center old enough to remember how it got started. Although the center's humble origins are doubtless memorialized somewhere on a wall or booklet, most of its members are my age or younger now.

Mr. Patient is stubborn (like most guys) and been reluctant to leave the house he and his wife have owned for 50 years. To him moving into a care home was out of the question. His financial resources, though comfortable, didn't allow him to hire much in the way of outside help. And he was too stubborn to call friends for help. So he worsened, and became increasingly unable to care for his home and self.

Usually these situations end in disaster. The patient is found lying on the floor, dead or near it, after the postman notices no one is getting the mail. But this one was different.

Last month, through the community grapevine, one of the administrators of the black community center heard about white Mr. Patient, and realized who his parents were. He contacted him to offer help, and to my surprise, Mr. Patient accepted.

So now Mr. Patient is able to continue living at his house because volunteers from the community center, all born long after the place was established, come to his home a few times a week. They bring him meals and groceries, help with the upkeep of the house, and are allowing him to stay there as long as possible.

That's what real measures of human change are.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

"That was the wrong button, Nigel."

"British Airways apologizes for this unfortunate incident, and will pay to wash or replace our loyal passengers' underwear."

Doctors behaving badly

Mary interrupts me with a patient. A doctor who doesn't refer to me is on the phone, and says it's urgent he talk to me.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Dislike: "Hi, does Fukitol interact with Noshakes?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Is one of my patients over there?"

Dr. Dislike: "No, I just want to know for someone I'm seeing tomorrow."

Dr. Grumpy: "You had me interrupted with a patient to ask me a simple drug question?"

Dr. Dislike: "I'm very busy. I don't have time for this. Answer the question!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Look it up on ePocrates." (hangs up)

Monday, January 16, 2012

Magazines at the grocery store check-out line

Sheesh. All I wanted was some hamburger buns, tomatoes, and onion rings.





Reminded me of this.

Thank you, Webhill!

Clothes make the man

Due to a laundry machine catastrophe yesterday, Local Hospital has run out of patient gowns. So they're using a bunch of promotional T-shirts they found in the basement.

As a result, my drooling, incontinent 92 year old male stroke patient, with advanced Alzheimer's disease, is wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm a proud new Daddy!"

With little baby footprints under the word "Daddy."

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Sunday musical interlude

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Random Saturday pictures

First, in case you've forgotten the obscene kiwi fruit, we have this tomato:







Next we have a store computer showing the blue screen of death, which is generally NOT a selling point:







A reader sent in this coupon for a "fluid exchange". He commented that "if it didn't show a picture of a car, I'd wonder what they were selling with that headline."

Having the place named "BJ's" probably doesn't help, either.






And, lastly, for those of you trying to lose weight for New Year's, keep in mind that there are always alternatives to diet and exercise.


Friday, January 13, 2012

Life in America

In a world of serious problems, it's nice to see lawmakers gutsy enough to tackle the really big issues facing us.

Thank you, Lee!

Corey Hart, where are you?

Dr. Grumpy: "You're looking better today."

Mrs. FosterGrant: "Well I don't feel any better! I have a horrible migraine today. Look at me! I'm even having to wear my sunglasses indoors!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, you don't have sunglasses on."

Mrs. Fostergrant: "I don't?" (feels face, then rummages through purse, puts on sunglasses) "Now I do! See? I feel awful!"

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Keystone Medical Transport

I want to know if it went bouncing down the street, like in movies.

Thank you, Sam!

Mary, bring me a strong drink

I'm with a patient, when Mary interrupts. There's a hospital call for me. So I pick it up.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Webster: "Hi, I'm the hospitalist taking care of Mrs. Migraine, and I have a question about your note."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay."

Dr. Webster: "This morning you wrote: 'Brain MRI didn't show an ominous cause for her headaches'."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Dr. Webster: "What does 'ominous' mean?"

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Wednesday

Dr. Grumpy: "So we'll see how the medication change works. Any questions?"

Mr. Funky: "I'm not happy about this."

Dr. Grumpy: "Not happy about what?"

Mr. Funky: "My visit co-pay. I paid $25 the first time I came here, and then another $25 at my last visit, and now I'm going to have to pay another $25 today. That's $75 to see you for the same damn problem."

Dr. Grumpy: "I understand, but I don't set your co-pay."

Mr. Funky: "It should be one co-pay covers all visits for the year, or something."

Dr. Grumpy: "Your insurance company is the one who decides your co-pay, not me."

Mr. Funky: "Yeah, but I bet you're sleeping with some insurance company bitch."

Junior Achievement

I pick up the kids after work.

Craig: "Dad, can we stop at your office? I need to use the copy machine for my homework."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure. What's up?"

Craig: "Marie got a homework-free pass she's going to use tomorrow, and I want one, too."

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

More signs of the apocalyse

Because every toddler should have an iPhone.





This is not a joke, people.

Thank you, Webhill!

Patient quote of the day

"I have high blood pressure. But it's not high high. Usually it's low high or moderate high, sometimes low-high-high. Being really high high is rare."

2-for-1

Dr. Grumpy: "How did the oxygen work for your cluster headaches?"

Mr. Scheele: "Great! It knocked them right out. But I need another tank."

Dr. Grumpy: "They should last a while... How often do you have to use it?"

Mr. Scheele: "Oh, not that often. It's for my dog. He has lung problems, and it's cheaper to get a tank through you than my vet."

Monday, January 9, 2012

Dear Wikipedia,

I think there's a problem with your "Featured Picture" tonight...

(click to enlarge)

The iPhone 4s with Siri. More useful than you ever thought.

Weekend at Grumpy's

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

RalPh: "Hi, my name is RalPh, and I'm a patient of Dr. Brain's. I need a refill called in for my Sarcasma, and his office never called me back on Friday."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's fine. What's your pharmacy number?"

RalPh: "867-5309."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, I'll call it in right now."

Hangs up, dials 867-5309.

RalPh: "Local Pharmacy, this is RalPh. Can I help you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, didn't I just talk to you?"

RalPh: "Yeah, I'm a pharmacist. You calling in a script?"

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Be prepared

I spent today at a Boy Scout event.

Most of us are used to the concept of time zones. Central Time, Pacific Time, whatever. You move a few hours up or down depending on how far east/west you are.

Boy Scout Time (BST), however, is a time zone that has absolutely no basis in reality. Here's how it works:

Some guy allegedly in charge sends out an email/phone message/smoke signal/semaphore flag that we will meet in the parking of local church/school/mortuary at 7:30 in the morning.

7:25: Grumpymobile containing Frank, Craig, and I shows up, joining 1-2 other cars.

7:30: Nothing happens.

7:38: Guy who sent email out shows up, makes lame excuse.

7:40: Two more cars show up.

7:45: 3 other cars show up, one forgot something (like a kid), goes back home for it.

7:47: Guy who sent email wanders around trying to do a head count and complains about people being unreliable.

7:48: Single mom shows up, blames her ex for giving her the wrong time.

7:50 Another car shows up. Driver asks if we want anything from Starbucks, then leaves to go get his own.

7:51: Guy who sent email starts calling people who aren't there but had confirmed. 50% of the time he gets voicemail, 50% he wakes them up.

7:55: Person who left to get something from home is back.

8:00 Guy who went to Starbucks returns. Got my order wrong.

8:05: Email guy finally gives up, announces everyone should follow him to the day's activity, discovers he left address at home, calls and wakes up his wife to look for it on the kitchen counter.

8:15 After we all leave, insane parents who showed afterwards call and ask as to come back to the parking lot so they can follow, too. Email guy makes an illegal U-turn to go back, and we all follow him. Because we are morons. And the local traffic cop turns on his lights and siren.

And this is how Boy Scout Time works.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Deer crossing

Wow. Just wow.


"It was for a Halloween costume, I swear!"

Dating tips: Don't try this one.

Is there anybody out there?

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Image: "Hi, I need to set up my MRI."

Annie: "Hmmm... You're not on my list. When was the MRI ordered?"

Mrs. Image: "Last week."

Annie: "That's weird. I can't find you in our computer. Did Dr. Grumpy see you at the hospital?"

Mrs. Image: "I've never seen Dr. Grumpy."

Annie: "Um... I can't set up an MRI when you're not our patient. You'll have to call the doctor who ordered it."

Mrs. Image: "But his staff is busy taking care of patients."

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Hello, telephone line

Dr. Grumpy: "How long were you unconscious?"

Mr. Shakin: "47 minutes. See, it happened while I was on the phone with my Mom. I'd just dialed her up, then I blacked out. When I came to the phone showed the call was still going on, and it was at 47 minutes. Mom was still on the other end, and driving over to my place."

Dr. Grumpy: "So then what..."

Mr. Shakin: "So, can you write a note for me? Because I only get 500 minutes a month, and want a letter for my cell phone company so they'll credit me for the 47 minutes I was out, because it wasn't my fault."

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

And it's a Smart Car, too...



Thank you, Kate!

Today's criminal tip

If you're going to inhale spray paint for a living, it's a good idea to change location here and there.

Mary's Desk, January 3, 2012

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Vertebrae: "Yeah, I have an appointment with Dr. Grumpy on Thursday, and am trying to decide if I should come in."

Mary: "Okay, are you still having problems?"

Mr. Vertebrae: "Yeah, but I don't know if it's worth the drive. What do you think?"

Mary: "Well, I recommend you come in, but I can't make that decision for you."

Mr. Vertebrae: "Well, I'm just not sure... What do you think? Don't you have a medical degree?"

Mary: "No, sir, I'm his secretary. I have a high school degree."

Mr. Vertebrae: "A high school degree? And you work at a doctor's office?"

Mary: "Sir, you'd be seeing Dr. Grumpy, not me, and he's a board-certified..."

Mr. Vertebrae: "Just cancel the appointment. I'm going to an office with qualified staff."

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Technicalities

Mr. Webster: "I have a question. There's an error in your last note."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's wrong?"

Mr. Webster: "In the 3rd paragraph you said Fukitol made me tired."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes..."

Mr. Webster: "It didn't. It made me sleepy."

2012 - Signs of the apocalypse

Last night I bought MS Office for the kid's new iMac. And found this review on Amazon:


(click to enlarge)

Monday, January 2, 2012

Sunday hot tub reading

A recent study showed a protein (called PZP) increases in the blood as an early sign of Alzheimer's disease. I'm not bashing this research at all, because most neurologists would love a simple, reliable, blood test to offer patients.

However, the same protein also increases in one other human condition.

Pregnancy.

And I just can't wait to tell someone "The labs show you're pregnant. Or have Alzheimer's disease. Or both."

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year's Eve, 10:55 p.m.

"Hi, I'm a patient of Dr. Grumpy's and I need him to call in some migraine medicine. I'm at a bar, and the loud music is giving me a headache, and the DJ won't turn it down, and I don't want to leave 'cuz I already paid my cover charge."

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Kids

Dr. Grumpy: "So, Marie, what would you like to do tonight for New Year's Eve?"

Marie: "Um... Have dessert?"

Saturday guest post

Today I'm featuring a post sent in by Officer Cynical.

HOW TO GO TO JAIL

1. Drive a car with really loud exhaust pipes, so I'll notice you. AND

2. Have license plates on your car that, when I run the number, come back to a completely different color, year, make and model car. AND

3. Have a suspended driver's license. AND

4. Have no insurance on your car. AND

5. Have 2 pounds of marijuana, a supply of baggies, and a scale in plain view on your back seat.

Friday, December 30, 2011

"Tell me I'm illogical! Then spank me harder!"

Because sometimes Lt. Uhura just isn't enough to get you going...

Thank you, Tab!

Games I'm not playing

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, I'll put in the MRI order. It will take 1-2 weeks to get authorization from your insurance, then Annie will call you to schedule the test."

Mr. Oig: "Can you do it today? My insurance changes on the first."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm sorry, it takes 1-2 weeks for routine studies."

Mr. Oig: "My co-pay goes from $75 for an MRI to $100."

Dr. Grumpy: "I understand, but it takes 1-2 weeks to even get it covered."

Mr. Oig: "Why don't you just order it STAT and say it's a medical emergency? You and I both know that will get it covered."

Dr. Grumpy: "But it's not an emergency. You've had these symptoms for over 2 years."

Mr. Oig: "So what? It's not a big deal."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's insurance fraud."

Mr. Oig: "Well, if you're not going to order it as STAT, then you better be willing to spot me the $25 difference."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm not going to do that."

Mr. Oig: "Fine. Then I'm just going to find an ER that will." (leaves)

Thursday, December 29, 2011

You need to have a talk with your girlfriend

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you allergic to any medications?"

Mr. Neisseria: "Um, Flaykbegon."

Dr. Grumpy: "What happens when you take Flaybegon?"

Mr. Neisseria: "Um, it, uh, well, after a few days my um, dick got all itchy and drippy."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, that's not an allergic reaction."

Mr. Neisseria: "Really? 'Cause my girlfriend said it was the medication that did it."

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Wednesday

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you had any trouble talking?"

Mr. &%$@#!!!: "Not that I've noticed. My wife says I swear a lot, but that's nothing new."

Timing is everything

Dr. Grumpy: "What brings you in to see me today?"

Mr. Chronos: "Well, I had this really bad back pain going into my right leg after moving some furniture, and it lasted about a day, then got better."

Dr. Grumpy: "When was this?"

Mr. Chronos: "Last spring, maybe around March."

Dr. Grumpy: "So, wait... You had back pain for one day 9 months ago? And you're coming to see me now?"

Mr. Chronos: "I didn't want to forget about it."

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Living legends of medicine



This post is in honor of the two best doctors in America, and possibly the world.

While their names aren't known to the general public, they're instantly recognizable to all of us in the medical profession. And, in spite of their amazing talents, neither has ever been recognized by any of the various "Best Doc" magazines published in different cities.

So I feel that, after years of them laboring in secret, it's time to honor them.

AND THE 2 BEST DOCTORS ON THE PLANET ARE:

Some Guy, M.D. and This Lady, M.D.

And here is why they so richly deserve this honor:


1. Accessibility.

I don't know either of them personally. In fact, they have no phone listing. Yet, they're far more accessible than any other doctor I know. While I only see people in my office, or the hospital, during certain hours, Drs. Guy and Lady are accessible anywhere, anytime. Patients tell me they run into them at grocery stores, beauty salons, amusement parks, laundromats, hardware stores, cocktail parties- anywhere.

I might get a little irritated (okay, a lot irritated) if patients were to corner me for a consultation while I was out with my family, but not Some Guy or This Lady! In fact, from what I've been told, they don't mind at all, and often initiate the discussions themselves!


2. Cost.

This is how I make a living. I like this job, but it's still my job. I have a family to support. So Mary has to make sure we take your insurance, collect your co-pay, etc.

But not Drs. Guy and Lady! They don't check those minor details before providing treatment! As best I can tell, they don't charge anything for their time and advice.


3. Sheer brilliance.

I, and most doctors, do physical exams and order tests. They may vary from a few labs to an MRI, but generally that's how we get an idea of what's going on, and what the best course of action will be. Not Some Guy or This Lady, though!

They appear to have an uncanny knowledge of EXACTLY what's going on with you, even though they never touch you, ask detailed questions, or order any studies whatsoever! I can only assume they must always be right, as my brief search of American medical board records showed that neither of them has ever been subject to a single complaint or lawsuit!


4. Treatments

I prescribe medications. Some are cheap, some hideously expensive. But I do it to help you.

But Drs. Guy and Lady apparently have knowledge of treatments beyond the medical realm, which they generously share free of charge, involving a number of simple over-the-counter remedies that can apparently cure anything.


5. Knowledge.

I'm a specialist. I know a lot about common things in my fields, less about rarer disorders, and only a little bit about other fields. I think most other specialists would say the same.

But this amazing pair knows about EVERYTHING. They are general practitioners extraordinaire, with a knowledge fund that puts even the greatest doctors, like Osler, Charcot, or (my personal idol) Oscar London, to shame.

I can only assume this tremendous knowledge has come from experience. Some diseases are so rare that many of us go through an entire career without seeing them, but these two have seen ALL OF IT! They have incredible connections that have led to this (usually involving their uncle's friend's second cousin's wife, who once met a lady who's sister might have had the rare disorder).


6. Trust.

There's this mysterious thing called the Doctor-Patient relationship. It involves trust, and can take a while to build. There's some chemistry in it, and conversation, and voodoo. But it's critical to helping people.

But while it can take 1 or more appointments for most doctors and patients to reach this stage, for these two it's amazingly instantaneous. Most patients who get advice from them trust them automatically and completely, and are quite confident in their diagnostic and treatment abilities. This is in spite of (or perhaps because) they don't appear to have the same, years-long, formal medical training that I and my colleagues do.


7. International reputation.

I only practice in Grumpyville, and only have one medical license. But these 2 apparently are somehow EVERWHERE. I've had patients run into them in all 50 states, and even on overseas trips. Quite frankly, hearing about them makes me embarrassed to only be able to cover 1 hospital.


So, as 2011 comes to a close, I salute these 2 giants of medicine, and their numerous contributions to patient care.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Danger: Exploding snack food!

Wow. And I thought shaking up a can of Diet Coke was dangerous.

Beware of the Dragon!

I'd like to thank Brent for sending this in. It's from a cardiologist's dictation done with Dragon, that was mailed without being proofread.

While I can understand what the doctor is trying to say, this just sounds bad, and makes him look sloppy. And the little "This dictation was done with voice recognition software and may contain errors and omissions" disclaimer (that everyone puts at the bottom these days) is just a fancy way of saying you're too damn lazy to proofread.


"Concerning symptoms are note above and the patient, who by history sounds like she has had brief episodes of PSVT. All his life. I would like to obtain an echocardiogram and if this is unremarkable. A stress echo to start her duration of the above. If these are unremarkable. We will obtain an event monitor.

He is instructed that he is not to drive a lesser correctable etiology of these spells can be found or if he does not have them for 6 months. As also instructed not to be in a situation where she has a spell. He didn't injure himself, such as being a ladder."

Sunday, December 25, 2011

December 25

Today we celebrate the birthday of one of the most remarkable people in recorded history.




Sir Isaac Newton

At the age 25, he published the Principia, which laid out the laws of force, motion, and gravity. He went on to invent calculus, showed that light is made up of a spectrum of colors, and made significant advances in optics. Although others would likely have discovered these at some point, it’s truly remarkable that one incredible intellect did so much.

Therefore, Sir Isaac, in honor of your 369th birthday, I dedicate this. Without you, it couldn't have been written. And I imagine it would be even better if all the exoplanets were known when it was.


Saturday, December 24, 2011

December 24, 1944




It was Christmas Eve. The most horrible war the world had ever known was slowly drawing to a close. Nazi Germany would collapse in 6 months, the Japanese Empire in 9.

But Hitler's last large offensive, the Battle of the Bulge, was raging, and the Allies desperately needed reinforcements to stop it. Troopships were frantically bringing soldiers across the English Channel.

And on Christmas Eve, 1944, the passenger liner Leopoldville was chugging 2,235 soldiers over to reinforce the army's 66th Infantry. She was escorted by 4 destroyers.

It was a stormy night, and winds reached sea force 6. Many of the troops became seasick, and spent the night in the bathrooms or bed.

German U-Boats were still fighting, and on that night U-486, under the command of Oberleutnant Gerhard Meyer, was prowling the area. He found an opening in the destroyer screen and put a torpedo into the Leopoldville, with devastating results.

Troop compartments G-4 and F-4 contained 355 soldiers. When the torpedo exploded, F deck collapsed into G, and destroyed all stairways out. Less then 20 men from these 2 compartments were ever seen again.

Curiously, in spite of the damage sustained, no order to abandon ship came for some time, leading many to assume it was safe to go back to bed. And when the order did come on the P.A. system, it was in Flemish, and wasn't translated for the soldiers.

The crew of the sinking ship knew the extent of the damage. They quietly gathered their belongings (including a parrot), loaded them into lifeboats, and departed. They didn't warn the troops they were carrying, and left no one behind who knew how to work the lifeboats.

The Leopoldville had a good chance of surviving if she could be beached, and calls went out for tugs to pull her the last 5 miles to land. But it was Christmas Eve. Many on shore were on leave, and didn't take the first warnings seriously. Officers at parties had left orders that they were not to be interrupted.

A few miles from port a disaster was happening. And when the first cries for help came (30 minutes after the explosion), it was from one of the destroyers attending the sinking liner- Captain Limbor of the Leopoldville (who went down with the ship) refused to send a distress signal.

One of the catalysts to saving lives was Lt. Colonel McConnell on shore. On his own authority he cursed, kicked, and pulled men out of bed and parties, and brought life to the dockyard to send help. 50 minutes after the explosion the first rescue ships left Cherbourg, but critical time had already passed.

In Cherbourg Lt. Commander Davis mustered whatever he could - 3 PT boats - and sent them racing to help. He sent staff into town to pull men out of bars and restaurants and get them back to their ships. He notified hospitals, hotels, and camps that emergency facilities and quarters would be needed.

Commander Pringle of the destroyer H.M.S. Brilliant took the gutsy step of bringing his little ship alongside the dying giant. As their hulls kept crashing together in the waves, Brilliant began leaking herself. But Pringle ordered his engineers to stay at the pumps and keep working. British sailors yelled up at the Leopoldville for their American allies to jump across in the rocky seas, and did their best to assist them in getting abroad. Comically, the other 3 destroyers hadn't been informed of the Leopoldville's damage, and after giving up the hunt for the U-Boat they went ahead into port.

After collecting 700 soldiers, Brilliant had to cut free to repair her own hull damage. Pringle had heard of the approaching PT boats and tugs, and planned to get into port, unload the survivors, and return to help. But the Leopoldville didn't have that much time.

Many died bravely that night. With the stairs gone, Colonel Ira Rumberg had himself lowered repeatedly into the ship's hold, bringing up a man under each arm every time. He went down with the ship, trying to save more. He was just one of many others who died when they willingly went below decks to lead others to safety.

The Leopoldville finally sank at 8:30 p.m., 2 1/2 hours after the torpedo struck. She left an estimated 1000 men floating in the stormy, 48°F (9°C), sea, many of whom died of exposure over the next few hours. The crews of an assortment of military and private craft worked through the night trying to save as many as possible.

The tragedy of the Leopoldville is that, outside of those who died in the initial explosion, all could have been saved if the ship's crew had been properly organized, distress signals sent out as soon as the damage became apparent, and the majority of the shore authorities weren't in a state of negligence. 802 men died that night- the only American ship with more casualties during WWII was the U.S.S. Arizona.

The U-486 with Oberleutnant Meyer and his crew themselves were all lost 4 months later when they were sunk by the submarine H.M.S. Tapir.

Sadly, the allied governments decided to cover up the sinking. Families were told their loved ones were dead or missing, without disclosure of circumstances. The files weren't declassified until 1996, more than 50 years after the disaster. So memories and memorials of the disaster are few.

Today the Leopoldville is a war grave, lying on her side at the bottom of the English Channel.


Friday, December 23, 2011

Friday afternoon

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Joseph: "Hi, I need to get in today."

Mary: "I'm sorry, but Dr. Grumpy is with his last patient of the day right now. We're closed for the holiday until Tuesday, but can see you next week."

Mrs. Joseph: "NO! I need to get in TODAY!"

Mary: "We're closing in 20 minutes, ma'am. Can I schedule you for next week?"

Mrs. Joseph: "You're like, that, that... INNKEEPER! You're turning me away! Like Mary and Joseph! And on Christmas eve, no less!"

Mary: "Ma'am, it's not Christmas eve, and I..."

Mrs. Joseph: "BITCH!" (click)

Today's featured gifts

This is the last installment of the 2011 gift guide. Thanks to all who sent stuff in, and remember to please keep sending them year-round. Before you know it the 2012 gift guide season will be here!


Featured gift #1

Ladies, are you tired of routine breastwear (is that a word)? Are you hopelessly addicted to playing Angry Birds?

Well now you can liven up your chest, and show your love of video games, with the Angry Boobs bra!





Yes, this once-in-a-lifetime bra is available from Etsy in sizes from 34A to 38DD. It does not inflate with wine, though consumption of beer by males may make it appear to do so.


Featured gift #2

In this era of trying to use clean, renewable, energy sources, it's nice to see a product that takes this to the point of idiocy:

Yes, folks, it's the solar-powered windmill!





This amazing product has unlimited potential: By harnessing the power of the sun, you can make a windmill turn! Then, by using the electricity generated by the windmill turning, you can power a lightbulb! And you can use the lightbulb to power the solar cell! Voilá! You've discovered a feedback loop with an endless energy supply!

(This company also sells a solar powered reading light! REALLY!)


Happy holidays to all!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Today's featured gift

What do we need more of?

I think all of us often wake up saying "Gee, I wish there was some way I could make my crotch more hot and sweaty than it already is."

Fortunately there's an easy answer: Vibrating Sauna Pants!





Now, even in a place as cold and snowy as Grumpyville you can keep your private areas sweaty and moving, and make believe this is a substitute for exercise.

These sexy pants come with a thermostat, so you can heat your junk to the desired temperature, and an adjustable vibration setting (so you can differentiate them from your cell phone ringing).

In the immortal words of Roosevelt E. Roosevelt "It's hot enough here to cook things in my shorts! A little crotchpot cooking." And now that can be you.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Dr. Grumpy's Salon

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Annie."

Miss Clairol: "Hey, I saw Dr. Grumpy last week, and I have a question."

Annie: "Okay, what's up?"

Miss Clairol: "If I washed my hair last night, would today be day zero or day one until I have to wash it again?"

Today's featured gift

Do you wish you could take your dog everywhere? Have you ever heard the expression "putting on the dog" and wanted to do it? Well, now you can!





Yes, with Woofspun products you can order quality knitted items made from genuine dog fur, or even collect your own from a favorite pet (or 2, or 3) and they'll turn it into yarn for you!

Given that 2 of the Grumpy dogs are less than 20 pounds, I doubt they give off enough in a lifetime to make a decent pair of gloves. Although if Mello doesn't stop pulling food off the counter and eating it (including a tub of artichoke & olive hummus, FFS!) she's going to be a rug pretty soon.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

3-for-1 idiocy

Tonight alert reader Lee, from Phoenix, sent me not one, not two, but THREE articles on the exploits of some very special people.


First, if you're going to steal a vehicle, you should get something that blends into traffic.

Second, if you're going to court on drunk driving charges, try to show up sober.

And last, even if you're a cop doing a drunk driving demo, you should remember not to drive drunk.

Thank you, Lee!
 
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