That clears things up

Seen in a chart:

Crustaceans

I'm in line at the meat & seafood counter at Local Grocery, waiting to buy something other than tomatoes. Ahead of me is a couple in their late-20's, who are fascinated with the live lobster tank next to the counter.

Counter Guy in his white apron wanders over.


Counter Guy: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mr. Clueless: "Um, we have some questions about the lobsters."

Counter Guy: "Sure. What's up?"

Mrs. Clueless: "How long do they live?"

Counter Guy: "Well, until you're ready to..."

Mr. Clueless: "What do you feed them?"

Counter Guy: "Uh, not sure. The night shift handles that."

Mrs. Clueless: "Can you keep them in a regular tank? We have Tetras already, is that okay?"

Counter Guy: "Um... Not sure. Most people don't keep them alive..."


Pause.

Mr. & Mrs. Clueless are staring at Counter Guy like he's balancing a Buick on his winkie.


Mr. Clueless: "Why... would you keep a dead pet?"*

Counter Guy: "They're to eat... not for pets."


Pause.

After 10 seconds or so of silence Mr. & Mrs. Clueless walk away.


Counter Guy: "Uh..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah... I know... I'd like a 1/2 pound of roast beef and a large container of cole slaw."


*How many others out there imagined John Cleese asking that question?

Perspective

From 1959, and still perfect

Gift guide 2015

We all have that narcissistic acquaintance who thinks the world actually gives a shit about what they're doing, where they are, and what they're eating at any given moment. Those subscribing to their Twitter and Instagram accounts are treated to a never ending stream of food, street signs, tables, weather conditions, toilet paper marks, and other pointlessly mundane information about their everyday life.

So what's the ideal gift for that person? Well, I'm sure they think that, in a world as insane as ours, someone out there is just dying to watch them eat breakfast cereal up close and personal.

So why not get them the selfie spoon?

This life-altering device allows you to attach a smart phone to the end of your spoon and happily film yourself sucking down cereal, soup, ice cream, oatmeal, and pretty much anything else you can eat with a spoon. Every slurp and close-up of something caught in your teeth is captured and broadcast to your worldwide followers.

This concludes the 2015 gift guide. Please keep sending the ideas in as you find them, as there's always next year. I'll be off for the next 2 weeks, and wish all a happy celebration of whatever they choose.

Grumpy Gift Guide 2015

Your friend loves seafood. In fact, you've often heard her say how much she wishes she had a nice big shrimp to cuddle up with and use as a pillow, but cuddly crustaceans are hard to find.

This would be perfect for her!

This adorable giant shrimp pillow is ideal for anyone who's ever wanted, um, an adorable giant shrimp pillow. Get yours here. Or at least enjoy reading the badly translated ad.

2015 Gift Guide

By this time of year, you're probably sick of Santa Claus. He's everywhere. But have you ever hated him enough to want to, uh, relieve yourself on him?

Well, now you can have the satisfaction of doing just that!

With this cheerful 3-piece toilet decoration, you can take out your frustrations on the jolly old elf by lifting his head and giving him a golden shower (or worse). Need your kids to help clean up before family arrives? Hand them a toilet brush and tell them Santa needs his teeth cleaned. And I'm sure Father Christmas would love to have your thirsty Labrador drinking from his throat.

Share the love

Doing some CME (continuing medical education) on Sunday, and saw this question on the post-test.

Part of me is just dying to check "D."

Gift guide - Star Wars edition - part II

So yesterday I ranted about all the horrible shit that surrounds the Star Wars movies. But here's one you may not know about. Even worse, I admit I watched it first run.

In 1970's American television, pretty much anyone who had some claim to celebrity got either a variety show and/or Christmas special. Captain and Tennille? Check. Shields and Yarnell? Yep. KISS television special? Of course (REALLY! It was called "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park" and was a strange production of the rock group - with superpowers - solving a Scooby-Doo type mystery). Mercifully, the trend ended before we had the "Men Without Hats Variety Hour."

So, of course, in 1977 there was the hurriedly slapped together Star Wars holiday special. Featuring all the original actors (who likely weren't sure they'd ever work again at this point) as well as such 1970's TV staples as Bea Arthur, Art Carney, and Harvey Korman. Not to mention R2D2 "as himself."

Realistically, I'm not sure it was any worse than the prequels Episodes I-III. And, when it got bad, at least there was a commercial for Sears, Close-Up toothpaste, or whatever was "coming up next!" to break the monotony.

Be sure to get a copy now for the person who has to have EVERYTHING Star Wars related. Because where else can you see Star Wars featuring special musical guests Diahann Carroll and Jefferson Starship?

"Use the force, Luke... and change the fucking channel."

Gift guide - Star Wars edition - part I

My first contact with Star Wars was in the spring of 1977, when my friend Mark and his family took me to see Wizards, a sadly forgotten, but quite good, animated movie by Ralph Bakshi. The showing was preceded by a "coming attractions" trailer for Star Wars. The only thing I remember of it at all was Chewbacca (though to my aging memory I thought he had white fur in the clip), storm troopers, and lasers. I saw the movie itself a few weeks later. For the first few months after seeing it I thought the storm troopers were supposed to be robots, not guys in worthless armor.

Little did I, or anyone, know where this would lead us. Consider: In the 1970's, my dad showed me old clips of the Flash Gordon cliff hanger serials he went to see in the theaters on Saturdays. At that time the serials were roughly 40 years old. Some nostalgia for them, yes, but certainly not appealing to a new generation. Even the campy 1980 movie, with Queen doing the soundtrack, wasn't able to re-start the franchise.

Today? Well, it's almost 40 years later, similar time difference now from when Star Wars first came out... and it's more popular than ever. Kids still are fascinated with it. Adults still are fascinated. Some argue that the new movie is being pushed down our throats, but let's face it: this is all driven by money. If there wasn't a huge demand for it, no studio would put up the money to make it. Like the heavy criticism of early-opening Black Friday sales, the bottom line is that it's being done by consumers, not by stores. If there was no public demand to go kill someone to buy discounted TV's at 2:00 a.m., no store would waste money being open at that time.

The original Star Wars, likely because no one expected it to be a success (least of all 20th Century Fox who only spent a paltry $9 million for it) had no product tie-ins initially. Movie merchandising was nothing new even then. Toys and fast-food movie-related crap have been around a while.

But certainly, once the movie exploded in the theaters, the commercial tie-ins took off like mad. A pattern that followed its successors and changed the industry forever began.

But I don't remember it being this insane. And that's saying a lot considering I remember the bizarre 1999 ads featuring Colonel Sanders (with a lightsaber), the Taco Bell chihuahua, and the previously unknown (and not seen since) Pizza Hut Girl (Really! That was her name!) uniting to fight the dark side and make the galaxy safe for greasy food, strokes, and coronary artery disease.

It reminds me of a late 70's Funky Winkerbean strip (back when it was funny) where a TV program was interviewing a producer about the characters in a new space movie, and all the toys, fast food collectible cups, T-shirts, and other merchandise from them. As the strip went on he admitted they hadn't actually made a movie at all, since it seemed like a waste of marketing dollars.

Anyway, besides the previously published Darth Vader shower and toaster, here are some of the merchandising horrors (thanks to all who sent them) you can consider for the co-worker you don't like but have to get something for, the person who actually collects every POS that says "limited collector's edition" even if it's something no one in their right mind (except Frank) would actually put in their closet, and anyone else who's just dying to own a pair of Yoda-themed dish sponges.

Anyone else remember the 70's comic book where Vader picked up a cup of coffee and you wondered how he was going to drink it? Anyone?

Foreigners putting the Lucky Charms leprechaun out of a job.

 

To show you I'm not above this... Here is my own, original, 1977 Chewbacca miniature action figure. It came in a set with R2D2 (which made clicking noises when you turned its head), Luke Skywalker (with an extendable, and rapidly broken, lightsaber in the right arm) and one other figure I don't remember. Maybe Ben Kenobi. As you can see, Chewbacca has a broken left hip. I think I still have R2D2 somewhere, without legs and a marble stuck in him, and maybe Luke, with the left arm gone and the lightsaber broken. Probably in the back of Frank's closet.

Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I borrowed them all from my friend Mike and didn't give them back (maybe I stole them). Sorry, Mike. If I can find you on Google I'll ship 'em over.


To be continued...

Dr. Grumpy's 2015 Gift Guide

Your Catholic friend didn't get to see the Pope during his smash-hit 2015 "No Mass 'til Hammersmith" American tour, and is very depressed about it. What can you get to cheer her up? A souvenir "My friend met the Pope and all I got was this crappy T-shirt" top? A box of "Holy Whites! The official bleach of Vatican City" ? Or maybe something truly meaningful like...

A solar-powered Pope!

This amazingly life-like statue of His Holiness will happily reside on your dashboard. In direct sunlight (sonlight?) he'll wave at passersby, cheering them with his radiance. And you just know it's made in China, too.

For those of you who prefer the British royalty, you may notice the solar-powered Queen at the bottom right (Leigh, who sent this, didn't get a separate pic). You can make out the top of her blue hat. Like her plastic brethren Pontiff, Her Majesty will stand on your dashboard and wave. I admit I was kind of disappointed to find out that's what the solar-powered Queen was. I was hoping for Freddie Mercury, because I'd definitely buy that. He was awesome.

It's nice to know that, here in the 21st century, the human ingenuity to create pointless gadgets to be unloaded at discount stores is limitless.

Pathology

I'm with a patient and her son.

Dr. Grumpy: "I think the next step is going to be getting further labs and..."


There's a knock on the door. Mary leans in and says my call partner, Dr. Brain, is on the phone and needs to talk to me immediately. I apologize to my patient and pick up the phone.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Brain: "Ibee! Do you remember that guy you saw last weekend at the hospital?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I saw 28 consults last weekend. I have no idea who you're talking about."

Dr. Brain: "It was the guy with the stroke!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, that narrows it down to about 27 of them."

Dr. Brain: "Clinically he looked like a left deep white matter stroke? He was the one visiting from Farawayville? Now you remember him?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Vaguely... Why?"

Dr. Brain: "What other area do you think could cause his symptoms?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm with a patient here. Is there some reason you had me interrupted for this?"

Dr. Brain: "Well, there was an article, maybe you remember, in the May, 2007 issue of Archives of Intellectual Masturbation about the statistical distribution of deep white matter strokes in..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Look, obviously this isn't urgent. I have a patient here, and I'm going to hang up now. If you want to argue about a differential you have my home number. Or bother Dr. Cortex or Dr. Nerve."

Dr. Brain: "You should have more enthusiasm for your work."

Click

Gift guide 2015

Barbie is so passé. Nowadays she has all these different kits to convince little girls that they can be doctors, or astronauts, or nuclear physicists. Whatever happened to dolls that really encourage a young lady's ambitions?

Well, maybe your daughter needs this:

"Is this the T&A journey the doctor told me about?"

Yes, this lovely toy will help your precious princess set her sites on a REAL career: working for tips at a strip club. What more can a girl ask for? Maybe some Ken dolls to fill the place, and little $1 bills.

Of course, the pole dancer needs a pet she can go home and relax with:

Seen at the doctor's

Handed to patients at a pediatric ENT's office:

"Is this what the guys in the frat told me about?"

Thank you, Allyson!