Round & Round

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Feather: "I've been trying to reach you people all week. Why don't you return my calls?"

Annie: "It... looks like I've called you back 4 times. There was no answer, but I left messages each time."

Mrs. Feather: "I haven't gotten any of them. What number did you call?"

Annie: "The one you wrote on your info sheet, 867-5309."

Mrs. Feather: "That's my home number. I never answer that or check the messages. I only use that for outgoing calls."

Annie: "Well, it's the contact info you gave us. Is there a better number to reach you at?"

Mrs. Feather: "I use my cell phone for incoming calls. It's the only one I answer. It's the number my family tries to reach me on, but I don't give it out because I know you people sell phone numbers to telemarketers."

Annie: "No, ma'am, we don't sell or give out your personal information. So what's the cell phone number, so I can reach you next time?"

Mrs. Feather: "I'm not giving that out. It's only for family to reach me on, and no one else."

Annie: "Okay, but then how am I supposed to return your calls?"

Mrs. Feather: "You can call my home number."

Annie: "But you just told me you never answer that line."

Mrs. Feather: "Yes, but you can leave a message."

New Year's Day

Heading west

All right, we're heading to visit family on the west coast, and hopefully warmer weather, for the holidays. I'll be back in 2 weeks.

Whatever you celebrate, have a good one. If you don't celebrate anything, at least call your mother once in a while. She says it wouldn't kill you to pick up a phone. She's worried you aren't eating properly, and needs to tell you something about your cousin Max, Naomi's boy. You met him once at a birthday party in 1972, remember? He was the one with braces.

Weekend reruns

Dear Mrs. Nosybich,

Sorry about our little dispute at the school last week. Normally I don't take the kids in the morning, but Mrs. Grumpy had an early meeting that day.

It must be nice having a child that is naturally compliant with your orders. Frank, however, is not like your daughter, and will fight us to the death about wearing a jacket. Getting him to wear a sweatshirt over his clothes took an act of Congress and delicate negotiations. While it's not perfect, it was a halfway compromise.

So far he hasn't frozen to death or caught pneumonia/swine flu/AIDS/cooties/halitosis, or any of the other disorders that you seem to think are floating through the air specifically targeting unjacketed children.

But I'm glad you were concerned enough about someone else's kid to take time out of your busy day, walk over to me, and make a scene in front of all the other parents about how you've been watching the "horrible neglect" practiced by my wife and I. I appreciate you running down a list of communicable airborne illnesses that you got from Google, and closing your argument by threatening to report us to Child Protective Services if you ever see my kid without a jacket again.

I think it's great that you want to pay such close attention to the failings of us lesser parents. Reminded me of the Charlie Brown cartoon where Lucy took it upon herself to write New Year's resolution lists for everyone else.

I really like the way you punctuated your tirade by slamming your daughter's car door, HARD, to make sure we were all paying attention. We definitely all were (except your daughter, who looked too terrified to speak) because me, 3 teachers, and 20 other parents immediately began trying to tell you that you'd just slammed one of her backpack straps in the door. But you were clearly more concerned with my crappy parenting skills to notice.

Fortunately, your child had the presence of mind to let go of the other strap after she'd been pulled down and dragged about 3 feet as your drove away. And I have to admire the teacher who boldly leaped in front of your car to make you slammed on the brakes, at the risk of her own health.

Your kid will be okay, I swear. She has a small cut on one hand, and a tear in her jacket where it got dragged (maybe you should get her a new one).

I felt so awful about it too. You made me feel very guilty when, after you checked your kid and released the backpack strap from the car door, you turned to me and yelled, "Now look what you made me do!" before getting in your car and driving away.

Happy holidays.

Quote du jour

"I'm allergic to arsenic."

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Do you miss your old Polaroid camera? The thrill of waiting for the wet picture to come out, watching it develop as you flapped it up and down only to find out it was a horribly overexposed shot of your foot?

Me, neither.

I also don't want anyone taking my picture in the bathroom.

BUT if for some reason you're nostalgic for the first, and find the second appealing, here's a perfect idea: The Polaroll!

This cleverly designed toilet paper dispenser provides the best of both worlds. The paper rolls out where the snapshots used to, and you can imagine your life is actually interesting enough for someone to want to spy on you in the bathroom.

Unlike the original Polaroid films, I DO NOT recommend shaking the TP around after use.

Trivial Pursuit

I love Wikipedia. Every year I donate to Wikipedia (I recommend you do, too).

Why? Because I love learning stuff. Granted, Wikipedia is far from perfect, but nothing is. And for someone who likes trivia, it's awesome. In quiet moments I can click the "random article" feature repeatedly and learn all kinds of new stuff.

But.

There are some things I'm sorry I've learned. Things I likely could go to my grave perfectly happy without knowing about.

For example:

The Hulaburger. In 1963 McDonalds (briefly) test marketed this bizarre creation, hoping it would sell with Catholics on Fridays. It consisted of a bun, cheese, ketchup, pickles, onions- and a thick slice of pineapple. It was invented by Chairman Ray Kroc, and I can only assume it got as far as it did because no one dared tell him it was insane.

The Ethel Merman Disco Album. In 1979 the legendary Ethel Merman felt the need to record some of her biggest Broadway hits as disco numbers.

The Bud Bowl scores. Of course I remember the odd "Bud Bowl" advertising campaign of the 1990's, featuring football playing beer bottles. It only aired during the SuperBowl, and some years was more exciting than the game itself. And I'm not surprised the ad campaign has a wiki page. But what frightens me is that someone actually tracked the final scores of each of Bud Bowl and put them in the article.

The ingredients in a McRib sandwich. I personally have never eaten a McRib, nor do I plan to. And if I ever had the slightest thought of such, learning that the faux-rib-shaped patty is made of pork shoulder and "restructured meat products such as tripe, heart,and stomach" would drive it out of my brain FAST.

As a child of the Atari 2600 age, I figured I'd played all of the titles for it. Even the shitty Atari Pac-Man, which I saved money for, raced home with, and was absolutely horrified to discover bore absolutely no fucking resemblance whatsoever to the arcade game. But I digress. Anyway, I was shocked to find out that there was actually an Atari game based on the rock group Journey.

I suppose nothing should surprise me where pornography is concerned, but learning that there's a porn flick based on the "Mario Brothers" video game franchise still did.

I am not a "high 5" person. I have never been, and will never be, a high-5 person. I have one patient who feels the need to give me high-5s multiple times at each appointment, and it drives me nuts. So I was especially horrified to learn that there is actually a national high-5 day.

These, and many less-strange facts (and a few more so) can all be found at Wikipedia. Expand your mind!

Commas. There's a reason.

Seen in a chart:

Thank you, A!

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Still looking for the perfect plunger for your bathroom? Want one that exudes refined taste? (good luck, there isn't one) Worried about people threatening you in the john and not having a weapon handy?

Then look no further!

This lovely toilet plunger is cleverly designed to resemble a shotgun. When in use, or simply by pulling the trigger, it plays a loud shotgun blast.

To further improve its aura of elegance, the gun barrel is clearly labeled "IF IT'S BROWN, IT'S DOWN!"

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

A lot of us grew up watching "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" every December.

One popular number from the show is "The Island of Misfit Toys," about a place where defective and unwanted toys are sent. I kind of liked that song. It was somehow reassuring, as a kid, to think that even junk the charities wouldn't take still had a place to go (when you get older you find out it's called a landfill).

Until this week.

Thanks to my reader Don I learned of a toy so terrifying that I'm sure it's not welcome on the island. Hell, it may not be wanted in the landfill, either.

"Even misfit toys have their standards, Rudolph."

Apparently this gadget was purchased at a toy store that sold stuff no decent emporium would carry. And it was half-off there. If you're marked down at a place that isn't known for its quality... that's a bad sign already.

So what am I getting at here? This:

"Wait, it looks kind of cute."

Yes, it's G.G. Giraffe (the initials are for yelling "GOOD GOD!" when you turn it on) from the "Forest Friends" collection. I should note here that giraffes don't even live in forests. They live in savannahs.

The box goes on to say that G.G. "Walks along, moves head, and shriek" (sic). The first 2 don't sound so bad. I mean, a lot of toys do that. And he does look sort of cute.

But it's the 3rd, regardless of erroneous verb tense, that sets G.G. apart.

Generally, shrieking isn't something that's really desired in a children's toy. Unfortunately, in a rare example of honest marketing, it's also the only thing G.G. does horribly well. Let's listen to what happens when he's switched on:

Paging Doc McStuffins, STAT!

So, while I don't recommend G.G. for your own kids, I think he's an excellent choice for the offspring of in-laws you're less than fond of. Preferably those who live out of state. WAY out of state.

Thank you, Don!

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Seen in a hospital chart:

Just add reindeer!

One of my readers is an OB/GYN who recently had foot surgery, and therefore is (allegedly) non-weight bearing. Like most docs (we're generally terrible patients) she's not going to let that slow her down.

So she's hobbling around the hospital this month using a knee scooter.

Of course this is the Christmas season. So while she was doing a C-Section (without the cart, it's not sterile) her ride was left at a nurses station.

When she returned, she found the staff had aggressively pimped it out:

"The 'eggnog' flask is hidden under the cushion."

I think that's just awesome. All it needs now is some flashing lights.

Thank you, K!

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Does your man like looking at gorgeous women? Probably.

Does he also have a SERIOUS carp fetish?

Okay, maybe the 2nd one is a bit... uncommon. But if he's into both, do I have the gift for you!

The German camping supply company Carponizer proudly introduces their 2015 KarpfenKalender!

"I'm wearing less than this inside. A lot less."

No need to get your guy 2 separate calenders (one with women and another with carp) that he'll be forced to alternate looking at. Now he can have the erotic pleasures of Europe's most beautiful woman AND enormous carp IN ONE GREAT COLLECTION! Every month will bring him pictures of sizzlin' babes and smokin' fish in high-resolution color.

Stunning models and scaly osteichthyes... What more could you want?

Not to be outdone, Carponizer's English rival, Top Fishing Gear, has introduced their own "hot chicks and cold fish" themed calender for 2015, featuring, well, similar stuff:

Either calender would be an ideal gift for a man who enjoys using his rod & reel. Order yours today!

Picture quiz

This is from:

A. The 2015 Lady Gaga footwear line

B. Guide to S&M fetishist shoe styles

C. The Human Torch and Friends Visit the Doctor.

D. "But these were not an ordinary pair of black and white pumps; both were left feet, one had a right angle turn with separate compartments that pointed the toes in impossible directions. The other shoe was six inches long and was curved inward like a rocking chair with a vise and razor blades to hold the foot in place."

E. An ad for pain medicine.