Friday, December 12, 2014

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

A lot of us grew up watching "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" every December.

One popular number from the show is "The Island of Misfit Toys," about a place where defective and unwanted toys are sent. I kind of liked that song. It was somehow reassuring, as a kid, to think that even junk the charities wouldn't take still had a place to go (when you get older you find out it's called a landfill).

Until this week.

Thanks to my reader Don I learned of a toy so terrifying that I'm sure it's not welcome on the island. Hell, it may not be wanted in the landfill, either.


"Even misfit toys have their standards, Rudolph."

Apparently this gadget was purchased at a toy store that sold stuff no decent emporium would carry. And it was half-off there. If you're marked down at a place that isn't known for its quality... that's a bad sign already.

So what am I getting at here? This:

"Wait, it looks kind of cute."

Yes, it's G.G. Giraffe (the initials are for yelling "GOOD GOD!" when you turn it on) from the "Forest Friends" collection. I should note here that giraffes don't even live in forests. They live in savannahs.

The box goes on to say that G.G. "Walks along, moves head, and shriek" (sic). The first 2 don't sound so bad. I mean, a lot of toys do that. And he does look sort of cute.

But it's the 3rd, regardless of erroneous verb tense, that sets G.G. apart.

Generally, shrieking isn't something that's really desired in a children's toy. Unfortunately, in a rare example of honest marketing, it's also the only thing G.G. does horribly well. Let's listen to what happens when he's switched on:




Paging Doc McStuffins, STAT!


So, while I don't recommend G.G. for your own kids, I think he's an excellent choice for the offspring of in-laws you're less than fond of. Preferably those who live out of state. WAY out of state.

Thank you, Don!

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

But...giraffes are silent?!

Anonymous said...

I believe that poor little guy needs to be seen by the zoo vet right away.

Anonymous said...

Love your characterization of the island of misfit toys! So true.

Anonymous said...

caused my cat to run and slide all over the hardwoods trying to get away! awful....sounds like godzilla.

Heidi said...

That is awful. Enjoyed the video for some strange reason though...including the poor thing jumping off a cliff.

Melinda said...

I couldn't listen to it because I'm at work, but FWIW, giraffes do make a shrieking noise. My daughter got a giraffe toy when she was small that made a horrible noise, so we looked it up on YouTube, and sure enough, giraffes make disturbing noises.

Officer Cynical said...

Please don't post anymore videos of me at the PD Christmas party. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Love the tension as it nears the edge of the table. Will the toy be rescued or will it fall to its doom? Hum, this is Dr. Grumpy- the giraffe is toast.

Stacey Gordon said...

Sounds like a bad dial up connection or a fax machine with jammed rollers.

The Condign Gentleman said...

"Help! I can't move with all these trees around! I'm vulnerable to predators! Get me out of this forest!!!"

tbunni said...

The best sound was the thud of it landing on the floor. Ye gods, that's a ghastly noise!

OldSquid said...

Perfect White Elephant gift.

Ms. Donna said...

Giraffes do make shriek-like noises if in pain, scared or hurt. (See mom! That membership to the zoo was not wasted.)

My father had a thing about drums, Legos, Lincoln Logs and any toy that had many foot-biting pieces or made noise for me and my sibs. We could not have them.

HOWEVER, the drums, Legos and such stuff went to the cousins who lived thousands of miles away.

Dad's brothers returned the favor.

G. G. Allin said...

Hey! Where are my royalties???

Gary Gygax said...

Actually, those are my initials. Because people usually made that noise when they realized how much money they'd wasted on "Fiend Folio."

Anonymous said...

I think that was originally designed as a dinosaur toy but got the wrong skin...

Holly said...

If I was hearing impaired, (I mean more than I already am) it wouldn't seem so bad. You're right Dr. Grumpy... this toy would not qualify for the Island of Misfit Toys. It's more of a torture instrument.

Anonymous said...

Wasn't the Shrieking Giraffe one of the monsters in the Fiend Folio?

Moose said...

I'm with Stacey. That's a 9600 baud modem if I've ever heard one.

Now I want to get one and check its butt for a RJ-45 jack. I bet when you connect its eyes flash!

Anonymous said...

Hey, there are worse gifts. Like "Fiend Folio."

RehabRN said...

It should be GG for "god-awful goat sounding" thing, not giraffe.

Giraffes everywhere should be offended.

Anonymous said...

That's definitely the worst love doll ever.

Natalia AL said...

This sent me into hysterical laughter. The toy is cute, and that sound is the last thing you expect.

Here's a video it reminded me of:
http://youtu.be/HsvyjePPFRs

I suggest you keep the sound at the same level as for the video above.

LOCAL said...

I googled the heck outta it and can't find out where to buy one to save my life! I know just who to send it to!

Roberta Davies said...

I want to get one of these and swap the giraffe skin for a dinosaur skin. It would be much more believable as a rampaging sauropod.

 
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