Sunday, November 27, 2011

Sunday guest post

As many of you have noticed, Officer Cynical shut down his blog. However, I'm honored that he's asked me to publish some rants for him. So today I'm going to feature his ramblings in place of my own. Take it away, Officer!

1. If you're in line at the grocery (or wherever), waiting to pay for your crap at the one open cash register, and then they open a second register and say "I can help the next person", that means they can help the next person in line - the one behind the person who's already paying at the previously sole register. It does NOT mean they can help the person at the back of the line who's been waiting a shorter period of time than everybody else in line. Where the hell have people gotten the idea that a newly opened cash register is for the person at the back of the line?

2. If you're merging onto the interstate (AKA freeway, AKA the "I"), it's your job to MERGE. It's not the job of everybody else to slow down, move over, or anything else. This is usually best accomplished by accelerating up to speed that allows you to fit into a space between two other cars already in the righthand through lane. It is NOT a good strategy to just move over into through traffic when you're doing, say, 35 mph, and those in the righthand lane are doing 60. And, in the name of all that's holy, don't hit the brakes at the end of the entrance ramp because you're scared to merge. The people behind you, who are correctly accelerating up to speed and looking for a place to merge, will tend to hate you and wish you ill.

3. If you've successfully gotten onto the interstate/freeway/"I", please pretend these signs (see attached) actually exist, and heed them.

4. Not being one to send e-mail to porn sites, how did "Ass_Titties" and "HornyGirlHere" get into my list of Hotmail contacts?


Anonymous said...

As much as I agree with no. 1,3 and 4, I have to disagree with part of no 2.

If there's someone whose coming up the entrance ramp at the same time as you're coming up in the right hand lane, then it's better to for you (the person already on the interstate) to change lanes to let them in, if you can. It feels like proper etiquette and it makes it so much easier than having that person stuck at the end of the entrance lane trying to get in (and entering slowly because they're out of room to accelerate). But that's just me.

Anonymous said...

I really hope you have some more guest posts from Officer Cynical. Loved that blog, was sad to see it go.

Anonymous said...

I also really enjoyed Officer Cynical's blog. :( Officer, come back!!

Anonymous said...

I second (third?) the request for the return of officer Cynicals blog.

As to #2 the only car accident I have had in ~35 years of driving was nominally my fault for rear-ending a car that suddenly stopped at the bottom of a rest area exit ramp back to freeway.

Classic settup, I was helping my brother in law drive a small pickup with a large trailer cross country, 6:30AM driver swap, just enough traffic to require an actual merge and a light rain had just started.

Between the minimal brakes and slick road there was no way to stop - would have not even been a close call in my Fiat.

Fortunatly no injuries, although the driver's father was yelling at him about prior warnings about stopping in a way that suggested he considering causing some.

Anonymous said...

I ABSOLUTELY agree with #2, I see this on an almost daily basis. My route takes me from a 4 lane highway going 55mph to a 4 lane interstate going 65 mph. You only need to accelerate a whopping 10mph to get up to speed between the highway and interstate on the ramp and yet somehow I always get behind someone at 5:30am when both highways are basically empty who somehow decelerates to 35mph to merge onto the interstate.

Alex Dreamz said...

Great post!
And Ofiicer C and Anon are both partially right, at least where I live - it's the entering vehicle's job to merge, it's the right-hand vehicle's job to move to the left (if possible).
Mine would be 'if you can't read (and follow!) the speed limit signs within 5 mph, conditions allowing - get your @$@! to the right or back to your La-Z-Boy!

Cindy said...

Yaaay, Officer Cynical! I've missed his posts. Thanks for the guest blogger, Dr. Grumpy.

lbparker said...

As you can see, Officer C, we've missed you! Please start blogging again, if you can. If not, then guest-blog here as often as Grumpy will let you.

Thanks, Dr. G!

The Quirked Eyebrow said...

Absolutely agree with #1 ~ any time of the year.

Thanks for channeling Cynical, Grumpy. And Cynical...? Come back, please.

Moose said...

IF you can move into the next-over lane for oncoming traffic, that's great. But you can't always do that.

Here in Swampsitucky, drivers getting on the highway ramps seem to believe that it is the job of everyone else to get out of their way. If you don't move out of their way [or slow down or speed up or whatever], they will then spend the next 10 miles tailgating you aggressively to attempt to show how much bigger their penis is than yours.

As for #3, my favorite is my experience nearly every time I am on the Ohio turnpike. It's a 6 lane [3 lanes per side] road most of the way. There will be a point where I will be in the middle lane, going faster than those in the right lane [where there is enough traffic that were I to "stay to the right" I would be constantly weaving in and out]. There will be NOBODY in the far left lane. Some nincompoop will come up behind me, at some speed at least 15 mph over my speed, and then proceed to tailgate me for miles on end. Should I slow down and move to the right, they will stay on my tail. Should I speed up and try to get away from them, they stay on my tail. I've found the only way to shake them off is to take a break and pull off the highway.

Happens every damn time I'm going east/west through Ohio. Weirdly when I go north/south it almost never happens.

I hate Ohio drivers.

Officer Cynical said...

From Officer Cynical:

Thanks for the kind words. I miss the blog, but it was necessary to shut it down after a few made it their mission to try to end my anonymity. Maybe another time.

Stay safe, and stay cynical.

Cal said...

#1 really annoys me too! It shows such a lack of respect.

Mrs. Higrens said...

#2 should be etched on windshields, much like the "objects in mirror" statement.

Locally, there's one off-ramp from the interstate where I've seen the results of enough rear-endings, despite a significant acceleration lane after the exit, that I just expect I'm going to have to brake behind an idiot who thinks the stop sign for the left turn also applies to the right sweep.

Also, I totally agree with Alex Dreamz about the speed limit! In a related item, has anyone else noticed that the slowest drivers (>5MPH below the speed limit) are the ones with Handicapped plates?

Anonymous said...

My other pet peeve. When the sign indicates that the "right lane ends," it does not mean "merge." Signal to get into the left and only lane, you doofus.

Also, Yield does not mean merge. You wait for them, not the other way around... grr. I hate how drivers here don't get that!

I think 75% or more of LEO's are cynical IMO. ;-) This is purely based on the LEO that I was married to.

Betty from NJ said...

I'm sorry that people tried doing that to you, Officer Cynical. It sucks that people have no life and try to ruin others.

I miss your blog. I hope that you are doing well and catching lots of bad guys/gals!!

Thanks to Dr. Grumpy for posting this. It was great to hear from Cynical again.

OldSquid said...

I miss OC. However, I understand why.

#1 it usually is a mad rush to get to the open lane which is blocked by others waiting so the next person is SOL. Since everyone line jumps I just keep my spot.

#2 why is it common to see yield signs at these merge points (for on coming traffic)? When I lived in TN this I believe was the law. Also some execleration lanes are only 10' while freeway traffic is going 70+. Still this is a good rule of thumb unless you are diving a semi.

#4 funny. Saw this on FB.

#5 Sorry, though you would enjoy those.

pharmacy chick said...

Welcome Back Officer Cynical..more guest writing please!

Margaret said...

Miss you Officer Cynical. Ditto to all that has been said above regarding your absence from the blogs.

Pleochroia said...

Miss you too, Officer Cynical.

I think my scariest experience on an on-ramp was when someone drifted from the shoulder on the main road into my lane.

Carolyn said...

Miss you, Officer Cynical - hope you guest post again soon!

And can I just say "YES!!! THIS!!!" to everything you wrote?

Mad Jack said...

I agree with Officer Cynical on all points.

And no, I do not shift over one lane to allow someone getting on the I to merge. Merging is their problem, not mine.

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