Monday, November 1, 2010

Early morning hospital rounds

Phil is an old patient of mine. He's demented, and on the occasions where he lands in the hospital he becomes confused and hallucinates.

So whenever he's in I drop by to make things aren't getting out of hand.

Last night, while out trick-or-treating, I got called from ER. He was coming in for breathing problems, and they wanted me to do my usual visit in case he flakes out.

So on my way into the office this morning I swung by the hospital.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Phil. How ya doin'?"

Phil: "Dr. Grumpy! Thank God you're here!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Phil: "I've been having TERRIBLE problems with your staff."

Dr. Grumpy: "Really? What happened?"

Phil: "Mary and Annie came to visit me last night!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh-huh..." (this is already a bad sign. Neither of them lives anywhere near the hospital).

Phil: "Mary held me down! And then Annie beat me up! And then they poisoned my coffee! You need to do something about this!"

I can't wait till Mary and Annie come in today and I can ask what they did for Halloween. I'd naively assumed they were out with their kids, too.


Unknown said...

My stepfather had the same issue but his was due to lack of oxygen to his brain. One time in ICU he told my sister and her family thatthe nurse was beating a patient across the hall, because the patient had hit her. My sister got up to look out the door and my stepdad hollered for her to get backso she wouldn't see her. When the nurse came into his room for his check dad asked her what they guy did. The nurse of course was completely confused, till my sister filled her in. She laughed and said " he wouldn't take his meds" Dad said no problem I will take it all

The Mother said...

It's so hard to get good help these days, but you really don't expect them to track down your patients and beat them up.

Anonymous said...

Sundowners can really mess
'em up!

Moose said...

The first time I spent more than one day in the hospital was for my first kidney stone. I was in serious pain, being given craploads of morphine, and almost deranged myself because they were pushing water into me so fast I had to get up to pee every 20 minutes [I was writing down the times, that's how psycho I was].

But my insanity was nothing compared to the SCREAMING of the patient on the floor with dementia. There was always one, it seemed if one left they just brought in another. The first was an old lady the nurses called "gramma", who screamed all night, "HELP! HELP! THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME! GET AWAY FROM ME! AAAAHHH!"

My 2nd roommate in the clink was an older woman with brittle bones from taking steroids her whole life for rheumatoid arthritis. She had spent two weeks in the hospital for a broken vertebrae and had been out for 4 days when she managed to break a bone in her foot. Her Dr promptly put her back in the hospital, and she arrived at 2 am the morning I was due to be released.

Apparently she'd had a really bad time during the 1st visit because I overheard her on the phone with her children, telling them, "This is insane! Last time every roommate I had had to be tied to the bed and would screech and scream all night! This time I finally get a roommate who can remember who I am for 5 minutes, doesn't try to wander away and doesn't pee the bed, and they're letting her out this afternoon!"

Anonymous said...

so did you tell mary and annie "you are fired!"? :p

Grumpy, M.D. said...

I can't. They'll fire me back, and I need my job.

Anonymous said...

Ah, dementia. Why is it they are suspicious of friends, caregivers, and other people who are trying to help but will trust any ripoff artist and thief? Time for Seroquel.

Unknown said...

LOL! Dementia sucks. Fortunately we can find the humor in it.

Recently new reader. I spent hours last night reading through your archives and laughed, and laughed and had my husband read some of it as well. He is in law enforcement and deals with some of the same moronic people.

ERP said...

Are you willing to hire them out as a hit squad? I'd be willing to pay you for them to take care of a few of my problem frequent fliers.

moplans said...

why would you ever want to fire such excellent staff!
great story

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing, and yet it's not funny at all. Poor Phil.

Anonymous said...

So was it Mary and Annie? LOL? I feel really badly for fill. At least he remembers your name and the names of your office staff. The question is does he know the name of the Office Mascot?

Anonymous said...

Ah! Your secret is out! The trick is in the treat(ment)!
Should deter some of your 'just need a day off' *customers*, now they know what is coming to them!

ver: *rucksive*
...nothing like halloween staff on the ward for an entertaining punch-up?
(who thinks up these words anyway?)

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