Answers

Dr. Grumpy: "So let's see what the tests show. Any other questions?"

Mrs. Cephalgia: "Doctor, how will I know if I'm having a headache?"

Pause

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, because your head, uh, hurts."

Mrs. Cephalgia: "Oh, okay... that makes sense."

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape your world.

DATELINE: PENNSYLVANIA

Pastor George Gregory, of the Waterfront Community Christian Church, claimed that he was "counseling" a man found naked and tied up with rope in a parked car with him.

When police arrived the naked & bound man was in the front seat and Pastor Gregory was in the back "adjusting his clothes."

The good pastor states that he "did nothing" and was helping the man work through a drug problem. He also added that they “were just playing” and would “meet up from time to time to play with each other.”



DATELINE: GERMANY

Police were summoned to an apartment where cries for help were reported.

Upon breaking in, officers found 2 men "hopelessly locked together" with a mannequin dressed in a knight's costume and a remote-control toy car.

Both men were too drunk to explain exactly how this had happened, though, after being freed, one of them was charged with insulting the officers.

Inquiring minds want to know, but mercifully no pictures were taken.




DATELINE: MEDICAL NEWS

A study found that epilepsy patients who developed impaired consciousness while driving were more likely to have car accidents than epilepsy patients who retained normal consciousness behind the wheel. (Neurology Reviews, January, 2017, page 8).

"Make mine a double."

This CME course title can be interpreted in more than one way...

Thank you Dr. A!

The answer

Thank you all for a great selection of serious, hysterical, and entertaining answers.

The correct one (as several guessed) is...

A guinea pig, viewed from above, with the owner drawing in areas where hair had fallen out (alopecia).

Congratulations to the winners! You've just won a brand new Chrysler Cordoba and you can pick it up at Morty's office!

Drawing

Webhill, over at Veterinarians Behaving Badly, submitted this picture. It was drawn for her by a pet's owner.

Let's have your guesses. Answer will be listed tomorrow.

Hint: It is not a turd.

Lists

I now present Mary’s list of issues that always seem to plague the last patient seen each day (especially on a Friday).


The last patient of the day:

1. Shows up late, and wants to tell you the 10 minute story of why they're late.

2. Wants to read the HIPAA privacy form word-for-word and ask questions, even though it's identical to the one every other doctor and hospital in the country use.

3. Has a new insurance card and left it at home.

4. Forgot to bring the insurance authorization for the visit, and the doctor who issued it closed early that day.

5. Left their MRI reports/lab reports/small child in the car, has to go back to get them, and has no idea where they parked.

6. Refuses to start the appointment until their spouse/child/parent arrives, and has no idea where they are.

7. Has a new address, needs to fill out the forms for it, and has to call someone to verify what it is.

8. Needs a bunch of prescriptions written, with both 30-day and 90-day scripts written for every one.

9. Shows up late, checks in, then leaves to find a bathroom and is gone another 15 minutes.

10. Somehow manages to lose their phone/sunglasses/corgi in the lobby or exam room and needs you to help them look for it.

Local insanity

Due to some unanticipated craziness here I didn't have time to write last night, so am just going to share one of my favorite TV bits:

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape your world.


DATELINE: MINNESOTA

From the "hold my beer and watch this" department.

An unidentified man was injured attempting to jump a rocket-powered bike off his roof.

According to police, he'd taken a bicycle and attached skis to it, then added a motorcycle tail pipe modified into a rocket. The rocket fuel he was using in his heroic endeavor to confirm Darwinism was Heet, an antifreeze product for fuel lines.

He apparently flew off the roof, then fell 13 feet down and plowed into a fence.

When paramedics arrived he was lying on his back on a sled, pushing himself around the driveway and cursing loudly about how much pain he was in.



DATELINE: MARYLAND

Robert Meilhammer and friends were out hunting birds, and, when a flock of Canadian geese went by, one of them raised his rifle and brought a fowl down.

The dying goose, however, decided to take some primates with him, and on the way down hit Mr. Meilhammer on the head, conking him out cold, causing "head and facial injuries," and knocking out 2 teeth.

With his goose nearly cooked, paramedics took Mr. Meilhammer to an airport, where he was airlifted to a trauma center. Upon waking, he reportedly didn't remember much of the incident.

One of the goose's family members told our reporter that he hopes Mr. Meilhammer gets a large bill.



DATELINE: MINNESOTA (again)


In a sporting scandal to rival Riyadh's camel-Botoxgate, the Brainerd, Minnesota Jaycees are investigating claims of cheating at an ice-fishing tournament.

In the cut-throat, ultra-competitive, anything-goes world of ice-fishing contests, the prizes which are currently being held pending investigation are a pick-up truck, $1,000 cash, and a certificate for a free ice auger.

With over 12,000 entrants packed onto the lake like sardines, officials said screening them for fair play is enough to give anyone a haddock. Methods of cheating listed include (I swear) sneaking a live fish in with your gear or digging a shallow hole in the ice the night before, putting a live fish in it, and hoping it's still there and alive the next day.

Apparently some contestants take this quite seriously, though most were participating just for the halibut and had a whale of a time.

Thank you, Kip Addotta.

Feelings. Nothing more than...

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Visit: "Hi, I have an appointment at 2:00 today, and was wondering if I could come in at 1:30 instead."

Mary: "Sure. The slot opened up this morning, so it's all yours."



1 hour later



Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Visit: "Hi, this is Mrs. Visit. I changed my appointment from 2:00 to 1:30, but have run into trouble. Can I still come in at 2:00?"

Mary: "Sure. It's still open. We'll see you then!"



2:15 p.m.



Mrs. Visit: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, this is Mary at Dr. Grumpy's office. We were expecting you at 2:00, but it's 2:15. Is everything okay?"

Mrs. Visit: "Yeah, but I have to work all day. They told me this morning that I wouldn't be able to leave at all, I guess I knew that all along. Sorry."

Mary: "Then why didn't you just cancel earlier? We can reschedule you."

Mrs. Visit: "I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

2:54 a.m.

Voice: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Voice: "Hi, this is Candy Furuncle, I see you for epilepsy? I'm on Fluximoo, I think 400mg each night?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Voice: "Anyway, I've got this huge boil on my left butt cheek. What am I supposed to do about it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Call your internist. This isn't my field."

Voice: "Can you give me a hint? Like dig it out with a nail clippers or something?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. Call your internist."

Voice: "What if he's sleeping?"

Checking

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I'm Dr. Grumpy. Have a seat. So..."

Mr. Query: "Just to make sure, you went to medical school?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Mr. Query: "And residency?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes. I also did a fellowship."

Mr. Query: "Okay, thank you. My internist did medical training, so I always want to make sure the doctors she sends me to did, too."

Seen in the chart

Apparently there's a new type of cancer out there:

"Pink, some brown, reddish, too."

Oddly specific time frames:

"It's been such a long time, I think I should be going."

And, from the "you never know who you'll run into" files:

Breaking news

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape your world.


DATELINE: HAWAII

Unless you live under a rock, you've heard of the recent false alarm where residents of the 50th state erroneously received a civil defense warning that there was an incoming ballistic missile.

What you probably didn't know is that the dirty movie website Pornhub, in looking at Hawaiian stats, noticed that as soon as the alert went out their online traffic suddenly dropped 77%. One can only imagine viewers frantically zipping up their pants and knocking a Kleenex box over as they try to find a place to hide from a nuclear bomb (there isn't one by the way, so just finish what you're doing).

Even more impressively, as soon as the message went out that it was a false alarm, Pornhub's traffic suddenly stiffened up, shooting to 48% over their normal traffic level. Presumably people were trying to calm down with a different type of excitement.



DATELINE: SAUDI ARABIA

In the largest scandal of its type in world history, the Kingdom's beauty competition was rocked this week when it was revealed several contestants had used Botox and plastic surgery to alter their appearances.

The annual dromedary beauty competition at the King Abdulaziz Camel Festival was forced to disqualify 12 camels after it was revealed they'd undergone cosmetic surgeries and Botox treatment to make their ears, lips, noses, and jaws look more attractive. I am not making this up.

None of the disqualified camels would speak to reporters, though one did spit.




DATELINE: FLORIDA

Douglas Francisco pulled into a bank's drive-thru teller window, then promptly passed out with his car running.

Concerned bank employees knocked on his window for a while before he woke, at which time he apparently didn't know the kind of drive-thru he was in and ordered a burrito.

After being told he was at a bank, and not a Taco Bell, Mr. Francisco made a run for the border but only got a short distance across the parking lot before he passed out again.

He subsequently failed police-administered sobriety tests and was arrested. Officers noted he "made several statements that were differing with reality."




DATELINE: CALIFORNIA

From the "where are they now" files...

David Joyner, who played Barney the Dinosaur on the long-running (and amazingly irritating) children's show, is now running a tantric sex business in L.A.

Mr. Joyner, for a modest $350, provides 3-4 hour sessions to female clients which consist of ritual bathing, chakra balancing, and serious humping.

This leaves many of us wondering a few things: What's REALLY purple? What was going on under the costume? And does he yell "STOOOOOOPENDOUS!" during the throes of ecstacy?

"And when he's tall that's what we call a dinosaur sensation!"

And that's the way it is.

The Old Bastard

His name was John. Granted, I never called him that. I always called him "doctor."

Every residency program has one on staff. An old, semi-retired physician who's rumored to have trained under Osler or Charcot. Brusque, rude, and brilliant.

John was all of that. Came to work in a suit and tie every day. He always sat in the same seat in every meeting and lecture. One of the few docs old enough to have literally seen every neurological disease. He'd started in the era where top-of-the-line brain imaging was the pneumoencephalogram and ventriculogram. The number on his American Academy of Neurology certificate was 2 digits long.

We were terrified of him. He wasn't mean, but intimidating none the less. If you were answering a question, you knew you were on the wrong track if you heard him starting to chuckle softly in the back of the room, and when he took his unlit pipe out of his pocket and began puffing on it... you'd really screwed up.

At the same time, you'd go to him for help. Due to his long experience he could explain things sometimes no one else could. Occasionally you'd get invited into his office (it had been his for over 30 years) which reeked of tobacco. The hospital was no-smoking everywhere, but he didn't care. He smoked a pack of cigarettes a day, and a pipe on top of that. The little room was packed with bookcases, creaking under the weight of neurological tomes going back to the 1930's. Although it was a chaotic mess to everyone else, John would always go to a specific spot in the room, pull out and blow the dust off a book, and open it to exactly where the answer was.

John was a widower, and his only son and he had a tenuous relationship at best. He was a workaholic, and the neurology department was his life. He'd come in on weekend mornings to read the paper and have his pipe and coffee in his office. For dinner each night he dined alone at the same table in the same Michelin 3 star restaurant. Only once did I know him to have a dinner companion, when an old acquaintance of his was in town: Sir Roger Bannister, the world's fastest neurologist.

Shortly after I completed residency, John was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. He didn't even bother with treatment. Nor did he miss a day of work. Once he told others about it, it was no longer to be discussed. No one was to bring it up with him. He and his pipe continued to teach and lecture and glare at us until he no longer could. I, and many others, including his son, visited him in his last days.

His office was still locked and untouched when I left the area a few months later. No one dared go in or move his books or pictures. They were, for better or worse, all that was left of him.

A friend of mine from the department and I were talking about John's solitary life, with nothing but his work left. He commented that "it's a lesson in how not to live."

But... John never really died.

He's at my office every day, and follows me to the hospital. When writing a note I'll sometimes hear his chuckle and realize I'm not thinking the patient through correctly. He sits across my desk from me and argues about cases. When doing an EMG/NCV he'll chew me out if I do the wrong muscle, or tell me to do it over if it didn't sound right. If I forgot to check something on exam he'll make me go back and do it over.

There are many lessons to be drawn from John, both good and bad. I'll try to learn from all of them.

Random pictures

Time to hit the mail bag for stuff you guys have sent in.


First, this picture pretty much speaks for itself:

"You can park by the trash can, Phil, unless there's a shopping cart in the way."

Here's a restaurant's hours from their department of redundancy department:

Then there's this ad for a "spinal reset." Apparently the key to spinal health is growing a series of spikes on your back so you vaguely resemble a stegosaurus. Or Godzilla. Or look like you've been repeatedly impaled by a unicorn. Or narwhal. Or were attacked by a badly malfunctioning ice-cream-cone-baking machine.

Then there's this sign, for those who've been afflicted by a bootie cootie (thank you, ER's Mom, for that awesome phrase):

And finally... I don't understand this at all:

Seen in a chart

Winter

Mr. Snow: "Boy it's freezing out there."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, even just walking from my car to the elevator was bone-chilling."

Mr. Snow: "How does he handle it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Who? Dr. Pissy? His space is closer to the elevator."

Mr. Snow: "No, your fish. Ed, or whatever his name is."

Dr. Grumpy: "Ed doesn't go outside. He's been in that same spot for almost 20 years."*

Mr. Snow: "Yeah, but I imagine the winter must bother him somehow, like seeing snow out the window. He must get cold in here."

Dr. Grumpy: "Nah, he's fine. The indoor temp here is pretty much the same year-round."

Mr. Snow: "That's weird. I mean, my dog can't stand to go outside when it's this cold. I figured your fish would be the same."




* Ed is not a Betta of unusual longevity. It's just been easier over time to name all of them Ed.

Breaking news

From around the planet, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape our world.


DATELINE: LONDON, ENGLAND

An unidentified fellow, trying to save money by not paying his subway fare, attempted to jump the barrier at the Covent Garden Tube station.

His plan went horribly wrong when he somehow got his penis caught in the metal gate mid-leap.

Police officers and transportation workers were finally able to free his winkie, but not before he was filmed by bystanders.

Whatever money he was trying to save probably wasn't worth it.



DATELINE: MURMANSK, RUSSIA

A Russian man, who was "bored," stole a combat vehicle from a military tank-driving school and went for a ride.

During his outing he smashed a car, then lost control of the armored vehicle and crashed through the front of a grocery store. At that point he got out of the car, pilfered a bottle of wine, and ran away.

Police arrested him shortly afterwards, still carrying the bottle of wine.



DATELINE: TOTNES, ENGLAND

Local butcher Chris McCabe was trapped inside his store's walk-in freezer when wind blew the door shut behind him. Fortunately, the freezer had an emergency release safety button. Unfortunately, it had frozen solid and couldn't be moved.

Attempts to kick the button loose were unsuccessful.

Keeping a cool head, Mr. McCabe grabbed a frozen, 3 lbs. black pudding and used it to repeatedly smash the button until it loosened enough to allow him to open the door.

He told reporters that “black pudding saved my life, without a doubt.”

11:25 p.m.

Mr. Lung: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy (trying to wake up): "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Lung: "Hi, I'm calling to find out what my PET scan showed?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um... I didn't order a PET scan on you. In fact, I don't think I've ordered any tests on you for some time."

Mr. Lung: "I know. My lung doctor ordered it, to follow-up on a nodule. But my appointment with him isn't until the morning."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, I don't have the results, and not sure I'd know what they mean."

Mr. Lung: "But I don't want to wait until morning!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Then you'll have to call his office and see if he'll tell you."

Mr. Lung: "It's late. I don't want to wake him up."

No comment

Seen in a chart

"Gee, how flattering, doc."

January 2, 2018

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Mycelium: "Hi, I have to cancel my appointment for this afternoon. I'm having an emergency!"

Mary: "Okay, do you..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "We went to take our Christmas tree out, and discovered THERE WAS MOLD ON IT!"

Mary: "I'm sorry to hear that. Would you like to reschedule now or..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "You act like this is nothing! THIS IS MOLD! I already called 911, and the girl there had the nerve to tell me mold wasn't an emergency!"

Mary: "Why don't you call me back when..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "I put the tree outside, but the mold may already be taking over my house! Do you know the number for a HAZMAT emergency? I can't find one!"

Mary: "No, I..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "Then can you call 911 for me? I bet they'd take this a lot more seriously if the call came from a doctor's office."

Mary: "I can't..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "OH MY GOD MY DOG IS OVER BY THE TREE! FLUFFY GET IN HERE! I need to go to the vet now!"

The line went dead.

Holiday gift guide, 2017

This brings the gift guide to a close, people, along with the year on the blog. I'm shutting down for 2 weeks and will be back on January 8, 2018. Have a great new year and whatever else you celebrate!

Thank you for reading, commenting, emailing, and giving me a reason to keep doing this! It's a lot of fun!



After years of college, medical school, and residency, most doctors are pretty used to eating ramen noodles. It's THE staple food for the student loans crowd.

But it can be so socially awkward. I mean, some people slurp when having ramen. They SLURP! That can be horribly disturbing for those nearby (I mean, in the cases of the < 1% of ramen eaters who are chowing down on it with someone else nearby).

Fortunately, for a measly $130 (the same price as about 1,000 packets of ramen), you can get this:

What is that? What does it do? Why the hell does it cost $130 dollars?

It's a special noise-cancelling fork for eating ramen noodles (really, I am not making this up). Its audio sensors detect when you're slurping your noodles. It then connects to an app on your phone to make noise to cover up the sound.

I'm still not sure why it costs $130, but assume it's all in R&D, and all the ramen noodles packs and starving students that were needed to test it.

Holiday gift guide, 2017

Is the air in your house too dry? Do you enjoy old Japanese monster movies that feature Tokyo being destroyed? Are you wondering what the hell these two questions have in common?

If you answered "yes" to the first 2 questions (or even all 3), there's now the Godzilla room humidifier!

When it's dry inside, just call on the King of Monsters to remedy the situation with a sustained blast of his legendary atomic breath.

Or to defeat Mothra.

Whatever.

Holiday gift guide, 2017

After you're in the grave, do you still want to be in the groove?

The company Andvinyly can press your (or anyone's, or anything's) cremated ashes into a 33 rpm vinyl record!

"Mom? Is that you?"

You can include a recording of your voice (threatening to haunt them forever if they scratch, warp, or donate you to a thrift store) or any favorite music. You can also have a pet turned into an album for those nights when you miss their barking, meowing, or repeatedly asking for a cracker.

Imagine the looks on their faces when they receive such a unique gift and wonder where the hell they're supposed to find a record player in 2017!

Christmas gift guide, 2017

Are you sick of people coming over to your place for a burger? Do you wish there was some way (short of poisoning) to convince them you really suck as a cook?

Next time you grill up an order of burgers, try using these instead of kosher dills!

Available at Walmart.  Really.

These electric-orange-reddish pickles are made by marinating them in fruit punch instead of brine. One bite of a burger topped with these and freeloaders will never darken your barbecue again!

Holiday gift guide, 2017

How many times have you said, or wanted to say, "I don't give a shit." ?

Yeah, if you're anything like me, you've lost count.

But now you CAN give a shit! A nice, big, bucket of it!

This educational product contains not 1, not 2, not 3, but 13 different replicas of shit from commonly encountered critters of the North American wilderness.

That's right, folks, you get: cougar, striped skunk, opossum, domestic dog, cottontail rabbit, gray fox, white tailed deer, turkey, black bear, bobcat, elk, and coyote.

So the next time you want to tell someone you don't give a shit, you can nicely tell them you do, and even offer them their choice.

Christmas Gift Guide

This is just too awesome not to put up as a gift suggestion.

This delightfully cheery playset includes a narwhal, 4 tusks (which look vaguely like lightsabers, so maybe it's an EP9 character Darth Cetacean) and 3 cute little animals you can impale!

Personally I think they should throw in another impale-ee, one for each tusk.

Exactly how penguins and narwhals encounter each other in the first place, let alone koalas, isn't explained.

For those of you who hate street mimes (hey, who doesn't) there's also The Avenging Unicorn playset.

Drug ads

This is an ad for the MS drug Rebif, to help patients learn how to handle flu-like symptoms, a common side-effect.

One gets the impression that the way patients are "getting the facts" is from a kindergarten-level cartoon book with a happy fish.

Breaking news

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape our world.


DATELINE: FLORIDA

Stephen Titland (really, that's his name) attempted to get into several vehicles by going down the street and seeing if any parked cars were unlocked.

He finally found one that wasn't and started to climb in, only to discover sheriff's deputies inside the unmarked vehicle. They'd arrived in the area due to multiple reports of a man (who matched Titland's description) burglarizing cars.

Mr. Titland has been charged with attempted burglary and violating his probation from a previous burglary conviction.



DATELINE: IRELAND

Residents of the village Ringaskiddy have fallen on hard times. There have been multiple solid complaints about men and dogs walking around with, uh, woodies.

Apparently they have a bone to pick with the local Pfizer plant, where Viagra is manufactured. The waste exhaust from the factory reportedly is being carried by a stiff breeze into the surrounding community.

Local barmaid Debbie O'Grady commented "one whiff and you're stiff."




DATELINE: FLORIDA (again)

An unidentified opossum broke into a liquor store and got trashed on bourbon.

The marsupial knocked a bottle of bourbon on the floor, breaking it, then drank the contents.

The animal was "disoriented" when found and taken to a local animal shelter. She was given fluids and allowed to detox, then released into the wild.



And finally, from the "do not try this at home" department, is this.

Christmas Gift Guide, 2017

Your floors are dirty. You don't have time to clean.

You try getting your teenagers to do it, but, lets' face it, they suck. If you can even pry them out of their rooms for a few minutes, then you have to get their phones out of their hands, and then they start whining that you're ruining their lives and... it just ain't worth it.

You need a different power to clean your floors.

The power... of the dark side.

Fortunately it's not only there, but in a choice of styles, too.

"Luke, I am your vacuum."

The Samsung Powerbot home vacuum promises to not only clean your floors, but randomly play lightsaber sounds, the heavy breathing of the Sith Lord (so you can worry someone broke into your house) and snippets of movie dialogue.

You can control them with voice, the phone app, Amazon Alexa, and Google assistant to convince your technophobic friends that you, indeed, have the power. Better yet, you don't have to deal with your teenagers.

These are the droids you're looking floor.


Disclaimer: I did NOT get paid for this post, and do not own this gadget. I just thought it fit in with the other odd things I feature. I have no idea how well it works. I have a wife, 3 teenagers, and 3 dogs, all smarter than me and have no desire to have household appliances that are, too.

The Christmas Gift Guide, 2017!

As the Earth's orbit once again brings December around, it's time for


drumroll


Dr. Grumpy's Gift Guide!

So, without further comment, here we go!


What can you get your favorite alcoholic who thinks the germ theory is a passing fad?

How about this combination beer and wine holder toilet paper dispenser?

Now they don't have to awkwardly leave their liver toxin of choice at the dining table or on the bathroom counter. It can be immediately handy while using the facilities, letting them take a nip (or more) between wipes and helping to spread some horrible diarrheal illness amongst family and friends.

After all, the holiday are all about sharing.

My readers write

Clover, M.D. writes in:


I had this interaction with a patient recently:

Me: "How's your pain been?"

Her: "Better, I'm controlling it with those amphetamines I buy at the store."

Me: "Um, you're buying amphetamines at the store?"

Her: "Yeah, the store-brand Tylenol stuff."

Me: "You mean acetaminophen."

Her: "Whatever."


Thank you, Clover!

Random pictures

Okay, time to hit the mail bag for stuff you guys have sent in.


First is the poorly thought out name of this veterinary product:

"Keep away from children."

This one makes you wonder who named the business

Like any proud business owner, they have a custom license plate:

A reader notes this sign "doesn't exactly inspire confidence."

Then there's this, apparently marketing to axe murderers:

This past weekend the twins and I stopped at Starbucks for a snack. They had this sign up on the door:

Craig commented that "it looks like a dancing squid going to a Halloween party dressed as the Pope."




One reader saw this at a furniture store. Since she's a nurse she said her first thought was "Do Not Intubate." Admittedly, that was mine, too, even though it's obviously a couch.

Wednesday reruns

Last run in 2011, an oldie but goodie.

People often ask me "How do I find a good doctor?"
That's a tough question, and it can be tricky. So here are a few tips to warn you that your doctor may not be real. Any one of these (not to mention ALL of them, FFS) should alert you to look for another doctor.

1. A reputable physician's sole listing will likely NOT be in a Bulgarian language newspaper in Skokie, Illinois.

2. A reputable physician generally will NOT be seeing office patients at 6:30 on a Saturday night.

3. A reputable physician will NOT wait for you, alone, in a dark, locked, building with a "CLOSED" sign in the window.

4. A reputable physician will NOT let you knock for a while before letting you in himself.

5. A reputable physician will NOT stick toothpicks in your chest.

6. A reputable physician will NOT give you a bottle of pills labeled "Prosperous Farmer" that expired in 2002 (or anything called that, no matter when it expired!)

7. A reputable physician will ALWAYS have some sort of office paperwork.

8. A reputable physician will NOT jump into his car and try to drive away when you return for a follow-up visit.

If your physician does this, and you paid $150 cash for it, then you must have been seeing this guy.

Negative risks

Patient I saw for a stroke recently. The hospitalist's note used this nonsensical template. I understand what he's saying, but it sure looks stupid.

Lost and found

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Lenz: "Yeah, I think I left my sunglasses there last week. Did you find them?"

Annie: "No, we haven't seen any."

Mrs. Lenz: "I think I left them in the bathroom there."

Annie: "The bathroom in our office?"

Mrs. Lenz: "No, the one in the first floor lobby, across from the elevators and water fountain."

Annie: "Oh, that's not part of our suite. I have no idea."

Mrs. Lenz: "Can you connect me to the phone in there, so I can ask someone?"

Annie: "There isn't a phone in the bathroom."

Mrs. Lenz: "Then how am I supposed to get my glasses back?"

Annie: "Let me give you the number for the building management company."

Mrs. Lenz: "That seems excessive. I don't know why you can't just call whoever is using the bathroom right now and see if they have my sunglasses."

Annie: "There isn't a phone in there. And if you left them last week it's pretty unlikely they're still there. They clean them twice a day."

Mrs. Lenz: "You aren't being very helpful."

Marketing surveys

From the "let's see if you're paying attention" department.

Quantity

Guy: "Local pharmacy. Can I help you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Dr. Grumpy, returning a call about Mrs. Cranium's migraine medication."

Guy: "Yeah, you wrote a quantity of 12 pills on it, and her insurance says she's not allowed to have that many."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did that just change? She's been getting 12 every month for as long as I've been writing it."

Guy: "Well, they don't allow 12 pills in a day now, can you change it to another drug?"

Dr. Grumpy: "IN A DAY? No, she's not supposed to do that at all. That would probably kill you."

Guy: "Wait, you meant that to be 12 pills per month all along?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Absolutely. I'm looking at the script now. It doesn't say anything about 'per day'."

Guy: "That makes a lot more sense. I'll get this filled."

Are you shitting me?

The other night, around 1:00, I took a call from the emergency room. One of Dr. Brain's patients was being admitted for a seizure and I was covering for the evening. I discussed the case with the ER physician and went back to bed.

The next day I'm seeing a patient in the office, when Mary interrupts me for a hospital call. So I pick up the phone.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Newgrad: "Hi! This is Dave Newgrad, the hospitalist seeing Rosanna Shakin. I have her ready to go, but you haven't been by to see her."

Dr. Grumpy: "I thought she was Dr. Brain's patient."

Dr. Newgrad: "She is, and he's been by and seen her and cleared her to go home. But I need you to come by."

Dr. Grumpy: "If Dr. Brain already did that, then you don't need anything from me."

Dr. Newgrad: "But the chart says the ER doctor spoke to you."

Dr. Grumpy: "She did, but I was covering for Dr. Brain."

Dr. Newgrad: "I thought that if you're the one who talks to the ER, you're legally obligated to come see the patient."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where the hell did you hear that? That's completely wrong."

Pause

Dr. Newgrad: "Nobody teaches you these things in training."

Breaking news!

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that impact your lives.


DATELINE: Pennsylvania, USA

Mr. Steven Rago, who was out on bail for simple assault, went to court to pay his fees.

While there he noticed another person, also waiting in line to pay charges, had set his wallet on the counter. Mr. Rago quickly pocketed it. A few minutes later he used the stolen money to pay his own fees.

The entire episode was caught on camera, and Mr. Rago's bail was rescinded due to the new charges.



DATELINE: Osnabrueck, Germany

A man in a movie theater had difficulty opening the bottle of beer he'd purchased for the show. Rather than leaving the flick to use the church key at the concessions counter, he innovatively tried to pop it open with something in his pocket.

In this case, a pepper-spray canister.

The pepper cartridge exploded, flooding the theater with the noxious stuff and causing the evacuation of 200 tearing moviegoers. The cinema's manager called the police, and was able to get the theater's air cleared after about 30 minutes.

No word as to whether he got the beer open.



DATELINE: Bretten, Germany.

An 81 year old man working around his house called the police bomb squad when he discovered what appeared to be an unexploded WW2 bomb in his garden.

Responding officers identified the explosive as actually being a "particularly large" zucchini.

The zucchini was 16" (40cm) land and weighed 11 lbs (5kg).

One police officer noted it "really did look very like a bomb.”

The offending squash's fate wasn't given.

Still sick

But in looking through the national news I noticed the guys who match pictures to headlines are also apparently out today.

Out sick

Fighting off some crud my kids brought home.  Back soon.

Wednesday afternoon

Mary: "Hi, this is Mary at Dr. Grumpy's office,  just calling to confirm your appointment tomorrow, Thursday morning, at 9:30."

Ms. Remind: "Um, really? I thought it was Friday morning at 9:30?"

Mary: "Well, I have you down for Thursday, but the 9:30 slot is open on Friday, so I can change it to that if you prefer."

Ms. Remind: "No, you don't need to change it. I'm leaving town tonight, anyway, so I can't do either."

Seen in a chart

Thank you, KL!

Off for kids' fall break

Back on October 24! See you then!

Big

One typo is made (at least I HOPE it's a typo), and the computer runs with it.

Thank you, S!

Saturday night

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Plan: "Hi, sorry to call you after hours, but I need to see a neurologist and was wondering if you take Sick & Tired HMO."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm sorry, I don't have a contract with them. You might try Dr. Brain, I believe he does."

Mr. Plan: "But I really wanted to see you. Can't you make an exception and take Sick & Tired just for my case?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I can't do that, and they don't allow it. I mean, you could pay cash to see me, but even then they won't pay for any tests or medications I might order. So you're best off just seeing someone in the plan."

Mr. Plan: "You can't send them a letter saying you're making an exception in my case, and that you promise not to see anyone else on their plan again?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It doesn't work that way. Let me give you Dr. Brain's number."

Mr. Plan "Thanks for nothing."

Click.

Morning

Dr. Grumpy: "Good morning, have a seat on the exam table. Have you ever had an EMG before?"

Mr. Acetaldehyde: "Holy crap doc, you don't need to talk so loud. I'm not deaf, I swear."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sorry, didn't realize I was. Can you take off your sunglasses?"

Mr. Acetaldehyde: "Yeah, but can you turn off the lights? They're really bright."

Dr. Grumpy: "Just keep them on, then. I can't do the test in the dark. Are you okay?"

Mr. Acetaldehyde: "I'm really hung over. I went to the Lümbær Pünkture concert last night and got totally shitfaced."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you..."

Mr. Acetaldehyde: "Hey, can you bring that trash can over here? I think I'm..."

Pac-Man 2017

Now fighting brain tumors.