Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape your world.


DATELINE: MINNESOTA

From the "hold my beer and watch this" department.

An unidentified man was injured attempting to jump a rocket-powered bike off his roof.

According to police, he'd taken a bicycle and attached skis to it, then added a motorcycle tail pipe modified into a rocket. The rocket fuel he was using in his heroic endeavor to confirm Darwinism was Heet, an antifreeze product for fuel lines.

He apparently flew off the roof, then fell 13 feet down and plowed into a fence.

When paramedics arrived he was lying on his back on a sled, pushing himself around the driveway and cursing loudly about how much pain he was in.



DATELINE: MARYLAND

Robert Meilhammer and friends were out hunting birds, and, when a flock of Canadian geese went by, one of them raised his rifle and brought a fowl down.

The dying goose, however, decided to take some primates with him, and on the way down hit Mr. Meilhammer on the head, conking him out cold, causing "head and facial injuries," and knocking out 2 teeth.

With his goose nearly cooked, paramedics took Mr. Meilhammer to an airport, where he was airlifted to a trauma center. Upon waking, he reportedly didn't remember much of the incident.

One of the goose's family members told our reporter that he hopes Mr. Meilhammer gets a large bill.



DATELINE: MINNESOTA (again)


In a sporting scandal to rival Riyadh's camel-Botoxgate, the Brainerd, Minnesota Jaycees are investigating claims of cheating at an ice-fishing tournament.

In the cut-throat, ultra-competitive, anything-goes world of ice-fishing contests, the prizes which are currently being held pending investigation are a pick-up truck, $1,000 cash, and a certificate for a free ice auger.

With over 12,000 entrants packed onto the lake like sardines, officials said screening them for fair play is enough to give anyone a haddock. Methods of cheating listed include (I swear) sneaking a live fish in with your gear or digging a shallow hole in the ice the night before, putting a live fish in it, and hoping it's still there and alive the next day.

Apparently some contestants take this quite seriously, though most were participating just for the halibut and had a whale of a time.

Thank you, Kip Addotta.




14 comments:

Anonymous said...

He forgot to duck.

Anonymous said...

I hope he at least took his protein pills and put his helmet on.

Anonymous said...

The clearest evidence yet of global warming- Minnesota is turning into Florida.

Jono said...

I heard about the ice fishing contest on the Duluth news last night. The only thing worse that could happen would be Wisconsin interfering with our elections for game wardens.

ndenunz said...

Seeing as that HEET is just methanol, I'm not surprised is wasn't powerful enough to propel a skibike with a man on it.

Ivan Ilyich said...

A pickup is an appropriate prize. A few end up on the lake bottom every year.

Javahead said...

I'm impressed that the hunter was able to kill a goose with a rifle. Most hunters use shotguns, and still miss more often than they like to admit.

Old FoolRN said...

Here is a safe way to construct a jet propelled bicycle. Attach one of those auditory offensive leaf blowers to a rear fender luggage rack and angle the business end straight back. Fire up your leaf blower and prepare for takeoff. It's Oldfoolrn tested and is good for a 3-4 mph boost in speed.

WarmSocks said...

For some strange reason, wildlife people have decreed that it's "Canada geese" rather than "Canadian" as we'd all expect. Weirdest field trip lecture I ever heard.

Donald Trump said...

This issue with the Canadian geese is yet another example of immigrants attacking law-abiding Americans and shows why we need to BUILD THE WALL!

Vladimir Putin said...

The guys who won that ice-fishing tournament won it fair and square. The fact that they caught a 200-pound Russian sturgeon in a Minnesota lake has nothing to do with me.

A. Marie said...

Vlad P. wins. And, as usual, this blog is the finest cure for nasal congestion I've found on the Net. (Meaning, I'm laughing till stuff comes out my nose as usual.)

Packer said...

Everyone on the East Coast knows it is Canada Geese Grease. , we've stepped in enough of it to know. Having lived in the Upper Mid West of the US, America's Frigidaire, not to be confused with America's Breakbasket I know that cheaters at ice fishing are likely to get their bass beaten. They take it seriously. ice fishing is the regarded a the most exciting activity before mud season arrives.

Candi Gomez said...

"his heroic endeavor to confirm Darwinism"

Yep, we got this one over at the Darwin Awards, and he went right through to the slush pile. :)

 
Locations of visitors to this page