Not Helpful, Either

From a lady I'm seeing at the hospital today, trying to get a list of what she's taking:

"I take that store-brand medicine. It's for a runny nose, or cough, or allergies, something like that. You know what I mean, all the stores have it."

On Call, With Junkies

"I got paid yesterday, so I thought I'd do some crack. I couldn't find my regular dealer, and I called, like, every number I had. Anyway, one of the guys I work with at BK had a friend who knew a dealer, and got me the number, so I bought some from her. But it made me all sick and shit, and that's why I ended up here. It was some seriously bad shit, and wasn't safe at all to be selling it, and that bitch should have known better. That's the whole problem with the world today. My regular dealer has a lot of integrity, but this bitch who I bought it from, I mean, it's just fucked up because a lot of people are getting into drug dealing today just for the money, and don't give a shit about customers like me. And that's just wrong."

Trying Not to Laugh

Mrs. Daughter: "Dad, did you forget to wear your hearing aids today?"

Mr. Olde: "What?"

Not Helpful

Dr. Grumpy: "Let me get an MRI form... Do you have metal anywhere in your body?"

Mr. Irrelevant: "Nope. My wife does, though. She has a pacemaker. And my oldest daughter has an artificial hip. And my brother has a bullet from Korea in one arm. And..."

I'll Leave Things As They Are, Thanks

We get these junk faxes advertising great prices on medical supplies, office equipment, temp help, software, medications, office catering, everything.

So this one came over a few minutes ago from a company called The Physicians Exchange, for a phone answering service.

I think they need to get a better website address.....

(click to enlarge)

Darwin, Halloween, and the Theory of Evolution

The week after Halloween is the ideal time to prove evolution.

Certain species of bugs have developed a really bad taste so predators won't eat them (at least, that's what I've read. I haven't personally done insect taste tests).

Did they actually evolve in that direction? What is the evidence?

Let's look in Dr. Grumpy's break room:


Post Halloween day #1: Everyone brings/dumps their leftover candy at the office. We put it in a big bowl in the break room. We are too damn sick of candy to touch it.

Post Halloween days #2-3: Predators (okay, me and the staff) arrive. The choicest (i.e., chocolate) items disappear first. Reese's PB cups, M&Ms, Milky Way, Snickers, Kit-Kats, Twixt, Butterfingers, Three Musketeers.

Post Halloween days #4-5: Other stuff starts to go. Skittles, Laffy Taffy, Smarties, Starbursts.

Post Halloween days #6 and on: This is when we find the survivors. Just like the unpalatable bugs, some candy types will sit there for quite a while. Candy Corn, Circus Peanuts, Tootsie Rolls, hard suckers, and those horrible taffy things in black and orange wrappers (the latter, I suspect, were only made once in the 1960's and have since just been re-gifted. I think people who got them as kids now give them out as adults, and the cycle continues).


Granted, I have no evidence to suggest that Darwin's staff dumped leftover candy at the office. If they did, however I'd suspect that's more likely to have led him to the theory of evolution than a trip to the Galapagos.

Cause and Effect

From yesterday afternoon:

Mrs. Hedake: "They painted my office building last month, and I just know that's what's causing my migraines."

Dr. Grumpy: "How long have you had migraines?"

Mrs. Hedake: "I've had daily migraines since 1995."

Dr. Grumpy: "Have they changed since the building was painted?"

Mrs. Hedake: "No. Same type as before."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then why do you feel the paint has affected them?"

Mrs. Hedake: "Because I think they'd have gone away if they hadn't painted it."

Survey Fun

I'm doing an early morning market research phone survey about a new drug in development. The guy just asked me this question:

"Do you prefer prescribing drugs that are more effective? Or less effective?"

You Don't Say!

Okay, Grumpyites.

Our Science Marches on Department has brought this earth-shattering research to my attention.

In today's edition of ScienceDaily.com a study was published which found that...

(drumroll please)

PEOPLE WHO DRINK COFFEE (or use caffeine in general) BEFORE THEY TRY TO SLEEP HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING!!!

This is not a joke. They kept a bunch of people up all night. 3 hours before they were allowed to sleep half of them took a 200mg caffeine pill (equivalent to 2 cups of coffee or 5 Diet Cokes) and the other half didn't get caffeine.

They found (sarcastic astonishment) that the patients who got the caffeine had more trouble sleeping than the ones who didn't! No shit!

I am not making this up. Here's the link.

Does Anyone Read My Notes?

Dear Dr. Bozo,

I'm not sure if you're lazy, or stupid, or too busy, or all of the above.

I appreciate you sending Mrs. Oldlady to me. Her symptoms certainly were concerning for a TIA, so I ordered a work-up.

Her MRI yesterday showed a small right brain stroke, while the MRA showed a critically narrowed right carotid artery.

I saw her urgently this morning, and set up plans to change her medications and to see a vascular surgeon. After she left I quickly typed up a letter to you summarizing my plan. Since I believe in good communication, I faxed over all the MRI/MRA reports with my letter.

I therefore found it comical that about an hour after I faxed it over, your office immediately faxed the MRI report AND MY OWN NOTES back to me, with your handwriting on the report saying "HAS HAD STROKE! GET HER INTO A NEUROLOGIST ASAP!"

My Readers Write

Given that my name is Ibee Grumpy, you'd think I'd be the last person to laugh at someone else's name.

But, since my alert reader Stephanie brought this to my attention, I thought I should share it with all of you (I should be above such juvenile humor, but I'm not). I suspect this group is known in local circles, but...

Anyway, this is a Urology group in Texas, whose members include Dr. Wang, Dr. Hardemann, and (of course) Dr. Dick Chopp.



Sorry, Drs. Wang, Hardemann, and Chopp, but I'm sure you guys hear the jokes all the time. Plus, there's no such thing as bad publicity!

For those of you who don't believe me, here's their website.

And a great big Dr. Grumpy thank you to Stephanie!

No, You Can Do That Yourself

I'm examining a guy this morning who's chewing a toothpick, repeatedly doing the thing where he turns it around in his mouth, then gnawing on it some more.

I asked him to open his mouth and stick out his tongue.

So he takes the spit-covered, chewed-up, soggy toothpick out of his mouth, holds it out, and says "Can you hold this for me?"

Product Testimonial

I saw a 62 year old guy this afternoon with diabetic nerve pain, which is controlled on the medication Neurontin.

Dr. Grumpy: "Fred, the last time you were here, in June, your wife was complaining that the Neurontin made you irritable. How has that been going?"

Fred: "It's fine now. I left her."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, you what?"

Fred: "Well, she told me it was either her or the Neurontin, and I decided I liked Neurontin better."

Mrs. Grumpy Writes

Mrs. Grumpy just sent me the following email:

"I took the kids for their flu shots (regular and H1N1) this morning, before school.

"Frank always goes nuts when he gets a shot. I tried to bribe them by offering ice cream if they behaved. We walked in and Frank started wailing and yelling uncontrollably. He got louder when the nurse told us that he would have to have 2 shots because of his asthma.

"Craig and Marie were able to get 1 nasal mist and 1 shot. After they found out that they were going to have to get a shot (although we've been telling them for the last week!) they started crying. Frank was already nuts so I just had him go first. He was crying and yelling, but took the shots.

"Craig grabbed his chair and refused to let go. A nurse and I had to pry him off it. We almost broke his fingers. He screamed and cried through his shot.

"Then Marie started screeching and screaming and yelling during her shot. A doctor and another nurse from the office came running into the room to find out what was happening. They wouldn't leave even after we assured then that everything was okay. I kept expecting the police, fire department, and CPS to come rushing in.

"When we were done I said to the kids, "What do you say"? Frank and Marie said, "Thank you". Craig yelled, "Thank you for trying to kill me!"

"They stopped crying as soon as they got a sucker. When they got to the car, they all told me that it didn't hurt.

"I think we owe that office a lunch."