Homeland Security

We decided to get passports, in case we go on a cruise next Summer. They're now required, so we figured we ought to get them now rather then wait till the last minute.

My last passport is long gone. I got it in the early 80's, when I was 15, for the generic American-Family-Goes-to-Europe trip. I have no idea where it is. It may be buried in a box at my parents' house. Or in my closet. Or lost/tossed in one of my countless moves between college, medical school, residency, marriage, etc. It had a hideous photo of me with early 80's shoulder-length hair, thick plastic rim glasses, braces, and zits.

So we made an appointment to do this over at our local post office yesterday. The girl is typing in our social security numbers. When she gets to mine she stops, and stares at the computer screen.

Ms. Postal: "Mr. Grumpy, are you aware there's already a passport in existence for this number?"

To be honest, I'd forgotten about it until she said that.

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, yeah, that was from the early 80's. I'm sure it's long expired."

Ms. Postal: "May I have it please?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I don't have it. I have no idea where it is."

Ms. Postal: "WHAT! DO YOU REALIZE HOW IRRESPONSIBLE THAT IS?!!!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, no, I mean, I'm sorry..."

Ms. Postal: "There could be a TERRORIST out there somewhere right now! Using your name, picture, and passport!"

(If Al-Queda has operatives out there who look like I did in the early 80's, I sort of feel bad for them).

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm really sorry, I didn't know I needed it."

Ms. Postal: "WELL! I guess I'll just have to mark the box here for previous passport lost. And let's hope that's ALL that's happened to it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Thank you. I'm sorry."

Ms. Postal: "Let's just try to be more careful with your new passport, shall we?"


I had no idea I was such a threat to national security.

Not Tonight, I've Got a ??? Ache

This invitation to an upcoming drug company dinner talk was forwarded to me today.

Generally you don't see this combination of topics.

Am I On Candid Camera?

I'm covering for Dr. Outoftown the next 2 weeks.

So her office manager sent over a fax today that says "Patient Jan Junkie may call you for pain meds. DO NOT give her ANY Tylenol" (Paracetamol for my UK readers).

This was somewhat confusing, because she didn't clarify Tylenol with Codeine, or what. So I called the office to clear this up.

Dr. Grumpy: "Did Dr. Outoftown mean Tylenol with Codeine, or all pain meds, or what?"

Ms. Manager: "Just plain Tylenol. She doesn't get any narcotics."

Dr. Grumpy: "She can buy plain Tylenol at the store."

Ms. Manager: "I know. So don't give her any. She's not supposed to be taking it."

Dr. Grumpy: "But she can get it without me."

Ms. Manager: "Well, Dr. Outoftown says you shouldn't give her any if she calls."

Dr. Grumpy: "Don't worry."


Whatever.

I told the girls that if she shows up here, and asks us to give her Tylenol, we will NOT share any from the bottle back in the break room.

Dragonism Dangers

(What's a Dragonism?)

Catching up on dictations this morning.

What I wanted to say: "He's accompanied by his girlfriend, who's brought his past MRI reports."

What happened: "He's accompanied by his girlfriend, who's... (cell phone rings, I answer "Hello, Really? WHAT!?")

And the computer typed: "He's accompanied by his girlfriend, who's really hot!"

Your Mother Doesn't Work Here

Mrs. Pigg grabbed a McDonald's lunch on the way to my office, and chomped it down in my waiting room. That's fine, many of us live in a hurry.

So when I called her back for her appointment, she had a pile of empty wrappers, ketchup packets, a french fry container, some napkins, and a soda spread all over my lobby table. She got up to come back to my office, and I said, "Mrs. Pigg, you left your lunch stuff out there."

Without even looking backwards she said, "Yeah, I'm done with it".

Gee, Thanks

I was doing a market research phone conference this morning. They always start with some demographic info.

Market Research Guy: "Doctor, are you in solo or group practice?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Solo practice."

Market Research Guy: "Really? That's kind of quaint. I thought all you old guys were dead."

Ooooooo, Please Tell Me More..........

20-something pretty blond drug rep cheerleader:

"Doctor, our migraine medication is one of the fastest-acting pills in its class. It often starts working within 30 minutes, allowing for fast relief with an oral formulation. Wouldn't your patients like to have some fast oral relief?"

Annie kicked me under the counter to keep me from saying something I'd regret.

Whatever

Mr. Phone: "I need to come in today!"

Mary: "We can see you at 1:15 this afternoon."

Mr. Phone: "That's too soon. How about tomorrow?"

Dear Mr. Pantsoff,

Sorry I was kind of rude on the phone last night.

I wasn't able to be at Cub Scout camp this weekend, as I was on call. It obviously bothers you that my daughter Marie was there, but my wife didn't really have a choice but to take her, since I wouldn't be home to watch her. I can't haul her around to hospitals, and since she's 8 I can't leave her home alone for a weekend (although you clearly disagreed with the last point).

I'm also sorry that your kid is such a shit, but it ain't his fault. I mean, it was no secret last year when you and that other Mom began sneaking away during den meetings that you were shagging in the bathroom. I think it's nice that now you've both left your spouses to be together. Your boys have a lot in common, like the fact that they're both 10, and in the same scout den, and have skanky parents.

Anyway, I think it was entirely unreasonable for the scout master to have disciplined the boys for stealing and breaking other kids' projects this weekend. Apparently you and your squeeze were off balling in the bushes during that time, so it was inconsiderate of him to try and teach them some manners in your absence.

Also, why you were yelling at me last night about your kids not getting to make bows & arrows (and that being the reason they tried to steal the ones my kids made), makes no sense to me. I wasn't at camp this weekend, and am certainly not the reason you guys were 6 hours late getting there. The schedule clearly listed that project as being at 9:00 a.m., and you guys didn't show up until 3. I think it's downright unfair that the scout master didn't immediately put the other 15 kids on hold to take care of yours. After all, you and the lady (who I think may have recently been featured on CK Lunchbox) are clearly the most important people in the universe.

But, to address the reason you called me last night, I'm NOT going to replace your fancy digital camera. It's not my fault that you brought it to camp. Or that your creepy 10 year old boy took it out of your backpack. Or that your future sex-offender hid in the girls bathroom to try and get pictures of Marie naked.

If you want the camera back, I'd contact the camp's maintenance guy. I'm sure he could let you into the septic tank to get it out. Or you could try the pipes near where Marie flushed it. Maybe it's stuck there.

Likewise, I ain't paying your kid's medical bills. If the little freak had given the camera to Marie when she asked for it, she wouldn't have had to break his finger to get it. Maybe he'll learn something about respect for women. Maybe you will, too.

Anyway, I think it also added to the weekend that the scout master got to demonstrate first aid by splinting the finger with a hankie and popsicle sticks.

Have a nice day. Be prepared.

Thank You for Calling

"Hi, I think I saw Dr. Grumpy, or some doctor who knows him, at the hospital. It was either this weekend or last weekend. I was there for a stroke, or a headache, or something like that. Anyway, could someone please call me back to tell me if I need to see the doctor again? Also, if you guys know what hospital I was at, I want to know that too. Thank you."

And, of course, no name or phone number was left.

Post-Call, Monday Morning

After rounds this morning I stopped by the doctors' lounge to get a Big-Gulp sized coffee. They were out of creamer, so when I got to the office I grabbed a couple packets that were lying around the break room and stirred them in.

When I began drinking it I choked. The packets weren't creamer. They were parmasan cheese, from a drug rep who brought pizza last week.

Coffee tossed, switching to Diet Coke.

Pop Quiz

Okay, Grumpy fans. Put your books away and get out a #2 pencil. We're having another pop quiz. Mr. Knucklehead, please put away the issue of Boy's Life. We can all see you're hiding your mom's new Cosmo behind it.

Everyone ready? Good.

Question: You're a nurse at a major hospital. Your patient's white cell count (WBC) jumped from a horribly abnormal 44 yesterday to a frighteningly abnormal 79 this morning.

Do you call:

A. The hematologist treating the patient's bone marrow disorder.

B. The cardiologist following the patient's pacemaker.

C. The neurologist evaluating the patient's imbalance.


If you answered C, thank you for waking me up this morning. I greatly enjoyed your reasoning of "I called you because your name was the first one listed alphabetically."

Saturday, 11:57 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Ms. Narc: "Yeah, I'm a patient of Dr. Notoncall. He has me on Vicodin, and I'm all out"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry, I don't call in controlled drugs after hours"

Ms. Narc: "But I'm hurting!"

Dr. Grumpy: "You'll have to call his office on Monday, or go to urgent care or ER if your pain is that bad."

Ms. Narc: "But I can't make it until then! I hurt all over!"

Dr. Grumpy: "I can't call in these pills for you. Sorry"

Ms. Narc: "Ummmm... But I don't need pills! Yesterday I had one of those, uh, gastric bypass surgeries, like the fat guy on TV once did, so I need liquid Vicodin. So it's not a pill. You can call that in, right?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Good night" (hangs up).

On Call, Again

Mrs. Bluehair: "I suddenly couldn't write with my left hand".

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you left handed?"

Mrs. Bluehair: "No, I'm very strongly right handed. I've really never been able to do anything coordinated with my left hand."