"This morning I arrested a woman for DUI, after she drove off the street and hit a tree at 7:30 a.m. She was quite drunk, and thought it was 11:00 at night and that she was going to her overnight shift at Walmart.
Anyway, once in the little ER exam room for blood draws and jail clearance, my partner said to her: "Doris, this may take a while. Why don't you have a seat?"
She said "I can't sit down. I have a turd in my pants."