Saturday, September 19, 2009

My Readers Write

I have the most boring lobby in the world. Chairs, table, water cooler, some magazines. If you want to wait amongst plasma screen TV's, Louvre-quality paintings, and free Wi-Fi, go see Dr. Bigtitz, the plastic surgeon upstairs.

I follow the advice of The Bible - no mirrors, clocks, or music out there.

Anyway, I'm rambling about this because last week I received an email from Dr. Stingray, who says he's an internist in Florida, commenting on office decor issues:

"Years ago I subleased from a neurologist, Dr. Sousaphone. He only saw Alzheimer's patients, and believed in having an office that would rival any art museum.

"One day, for whatever reason, he decided to install a fountain in the lobby. This wasn't some little desktop thing, but a fairly large contraption of copper and stone. He thought its gentle sounds would relax his demented patients.

"Unfortunately, it was more relaxing then he'd anticipated. 2 days after it's debut an elderly, demented man (to his wife's horror) walked over to it, unzipped, and drained his bladder into the relaxing waters. Another disinhibited gentleman thought this was a good idea and promptly joined him.

"This performance stunned Dr. Sousaphone (not to mention my waiting patients) who hadn't anticipated the fountain's effect on demented males with enlarged prostates. After they cleaned the fountain he had a sign installed that said "Please do not urinate in the fountain. It is for decoration only" (Dr. Grumpy comments: Wow! If you saw that sign in your doctor's lobby, what would you think?).

"The effectiveness of the sign was matched only by his patients' fading memories, and after 3 weeks Dr. Sousaphone's staff got sick of cleaning the fountain and made him remove it."


Anonymous said...

I could see that one coming! A fountain and Alzheimer's patients? Not a good idea at all!

Stephanie said...

Ha ha...well at least you would be thinking about what had been going on in that fountain to warrant a sign instead of what was going to happen to you in that Doctors office!

Chris said...

And as they say, there's no "P" in "fountain".

Hey wait. "Dr. Grumpy"? "Dr. Stingray"? "Dr. Sousaphone"? I'm starting to suspect that these aren't their real names.

The Good Cook said...

I would like Dr. Bigtitz number. Is he any good?

Ron said...

Sounds like my shrink's waiting area in Chicago... well it didn't have a fountain, but still. It was six shades of faded light blue paint probably last applied in the 1950's. The furniture looked like it came from a fire sale at the Salvation Army and the place was packed with what appeared to be a ragged group of movie extras for the remake of One Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest.

If I wasn't depressed walking in, I was suicidal walking out.

Ed said...

Honestly, if your patients are spending enough time in the waiting area that magazine aren't enough, then your schedule is too full. Don't overbook.

Crazed Nitwit said...

There's an award for you at my blog. :)

Anonymous said...

Dr. G. I know you're not a psychiatrist, but I've had this problem since I was assigned KP on dishwashing duty, that sound of water running, ..., well, I have this condition now and can't guess where the closest restroom is..., just please, don't put any fountains in the lobby. The seats can be just a little uncomfortable so I don't fall asleep, but harsh lighting and improperly pulled shades will provoke headaches. And, please, no vanilla or apple cinnamon aroma thingies (potpourri) either, as I'm apt to start nibbling on the display, and you'll be wondering why my stomach is growling during my visit.

Theresa said...

Maybe Dr. S should have installed toilets with bidets (hope I spelled that right) instead of the fountain.

"Bella" said...

haha! too funny!

Annie said...

What would I do without a chuckle to start my day? Great blog.


: )

modesty press said...

At my last physical exam, my doctor said, "For a 65-year-old man, you are in great shape. Except you have the prostate of a 70-year-old."

Fortunately, my personal physician does not have a fountain in his office.

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