I'm feeling the love

This letter came in yesterday's mail.


"Dear Dr. Grumpy,

"You don't know me, but I'm a patient of Dr. Pissy's.

"I had an appointment last week, and noticed you standing in the hallway.

"Based on my observations, I'd like to offer you my services as a professional shopper and fashion expert. For a nominal fee I'd take your measurements, then carefully select clothes that are both fashionable and flattering to you.

"I want to reassure you that I understand your appearance is not your fault. I'm sure a man in your position doesn't have time to shop for himself, and your wife may be too hurried to select nice clothes for you. In addition, many men, in my experience, are color blind.

"I've enclosed my business card, and look forward to working with you.

Yours truly,

Cindy Polyester."

MARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Occasionally Mary puts a personal reminder for herself on the office schedule. I don't mind this at all. Usually it's something like "Order cake for party" or "Take kids to dentist".

BUT one of her friends is having a baby today.

So when I looked at my schedule this morning it featured this:

9:00- Suzy Migraine- Med check.
9:15- Phil Whiner- EMG.
9:30- Lisa Gravid - C-section at hospital.

January 31, 2011 - Happy Holiday!

Humans are a remarkably disparate groups of cultures, ethnicities, and religions. But there are some things we all share and cherish.

Today is one of those international holidays that helps unite us across the globe. A day when we all give thanks for those things that make a difference in our lives, in spite of our varying beliefs.

Yes folks, today is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.

I am not making this up.

Heaven knows that if we didn't have bubble wrap we'd still be packing stuff with abrasive paper, dirty socks, and seashells, and therefore opening packages full of scratched, smelly, computers, toys, and dishes.

To re-tell the ancient story that we traditionally teach our children on this day:

In 1957 two New Jersey engineers (Marc Chavannes and Al Fielding) were trying to make plastic wallpaper by gluing 2 shower curtains together, forming bubbles between the layers (it didn't sell).

In a flash, however, it was revealed unto them that their creation could be used as a cushioning and packaging material. And the rest is history.

So today, take a moment and give thanks for the marvel that has so enriched our packing and shipping lives, and given us (and our children) endless pleasure (not to mention stress reduction) in popping the little bubbles.

And we all say, Amen.

Memories...

It was the mid-90's. I was the neurology resident on call, and the attending was Dr. Footdrop.

She and I were gradually making our way around the hospital, but it was slow going. We had a lot of patients to see, and she kept getting calls from a crazy patient with millions of insane questions and complaints.

By late-afternoon Dr. Footdrop and I were on the 10th floor, rounding on the last few patients. There was a huge cellophane-wrapped tray of cookies in the middle of the nurses station, and we sat down to have some (it was the only food either of us had seen all day) and review the patients that were left.

While we were snacking, Mr. Crazy called for, literally, the 22nd time in 8 hours. Dr. Footdrop answered her phone, and spoke to him for about minute.

She suddenly leaned forward, and I thought she was getting another cookie. Instead, she grabbed a piece of cellophane. She held it next to the phone, began crinkling it up, and yelled, "I'm sorry, I've caught on fire, and can't talk!" Then she hung up.

Mr. Crazy never called back.

More great research

A recently published paper found this:

A guy is more likely to forgive his wife if she cheats on him with another woman, than if she does it with another man.

Here's the link.

And a grant was used to pay for this research. Because, I can only assume, we've now cured HIV, all forms of cancer, genetic disease, neurological illness, and all other types of human suffering. So now we can spend money on this stuff.

Thank you, Earl!

Oh, the humanity!

The world is running out of chocolate!

I, for one, am going to go hoard Peanut Butter M&M's (my favorite) RIGHT NOW!

Here's the story.

Thank you, Don!

Mary's desk, January 28, 2011

Guy comes in and stands at front desk.


Mary: "Can I help you?"

Mr. Dick: "Yeah. I'm a new patient, and I need to see Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, let me get the schedule... What's your insurance?"

Mr. Dick: "You don't take my insurance. It's National Illness, Inc."

Mary: "No, we don't take that one."

Mr. Dick: "I know! You told me that last week when I called!"

Mary: "Okay, so what can I do for you?"

Mr. Dick: "Not a damn thing! I just came by to tell you that it really pisses me off that you don't take my insurance!"

Mary: "I'm sorry, sir, I..."

Mr. Dick: "And your cash price for an appointment is way too high! You people are absolutely unreasonable!"

Mary: "Sir, your insurance's website has names of neurologists who take your insurance."

Mr. Dick: "I already found one that does! Believe me! I just wanted to come by and tell you what a lousy practice you have!"

Walks out.

Whatever works

Dr. Grumpy: "How's the diabetic nerve pain been?"

Mr. Typetwo: "Awful. My feet burn constantly."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then let's increase the Neurontin dose..."

Mr. Typetwo: "No, I want to leave it as it is. The pain reminds me not to eat sweets."

Yeah, like that's going to happen

(click to enlarge)




Thank you, Ellie!

Failed biology, did we?

Dr. Grumpy: "Any illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Guy: "My dad has diabetes and high blood pressure. My mom had a hysterectomy."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay."

Mr. Guy: "Both my sisters had hysterectomies, too. Hey, does that mean I'll need one someday?"

"It's the family name, son. Try to live up to it."

I don't know what else to say. Just read it.

Thank you, Webhill!

Wednesday afternoon rant

The buzzword that's driving me nuts right now is "artisanal".

Nothing is a plain anything anymore. Stores sell artisanal breads. Restaurants advertise artisanal ravioli and artisanal sandwiches. Coffee places are pushing new artisanal blends. The word is every-fucking-where.

It makes me want to produce some artisanal vomit.

That's all.

Dear Marketing Bozos,

Thank you for this helpful sheet on things my patients should avoid to prevent migraines.






1. Head trauma. Wow! I was completely unaware that patients should avoid this. I figured it might toughen them up, and openly encouraged it. Perhaps I should rethink my opposition to seatbelts and motorcycle helmets, too.

2. Menstruation. I'll let all my lady patients know to stop doing this immediately. I had no idea it was under voluntary control, so I'm glad you told me.

3. Weather changes. I'll tell my patients to immediately move somewhere that has absolutely no weather changes. Like Pluto.*


* Actually, sometimes this doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

Oh, for hell's sake!

(I bring a new patient back to my office)

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, ma'am, I'm Dr. Grumpy. Have a seat."

Mrs. Evil: "Pleased to meet you."

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you?"

Mrs. Evil: "I used to see Dr. Brain, and I didn't like him. Do you know Dr. Brain?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, I..."

Mrs. Evil: "Then I don't like you, either!"

(Gets up and walks out)