Monday, June 14, 2010

Take me out to the ball game

So, yesterday the hospital gave us lowly doctors a trip to the baseball game, to cheer on the Grumpyville 9. They offered us discount tickets ($5 each) and so the Grumpy gang dug out some baseball hats, foam fingers, and other junk, and headed for the park.

Okay. Let's go. There's the gate. Wow. I can't believe how much they charge for parking. No, Frank, I have no idea what those people are protesting or boycotting or whatever. Just ignore them.

Really? Cash? How much will you pay for my tickets? Hey honey, wanna sell them to a scalper? Sorry, I can't. My wife just said she'll emasculate me if I do.

Already, Marie? Christ, why didn't you go at home? Okay, there's one over there. You're hungry, too? All of you are? Didn't we give you Goldfish Crackers in the car? Fine. We'll get some food before we find our seats.

Okay, 5 hot dogs, some nachos. Frank, can you help me carry this? Thanks. Good thing the bank has an office here, so I could take out a home equity loan to pay for the food. I never thought I'd see the day where Disneyland food looked cheap.

Don't spill the Diet Cokes, Frank, or you'll die. We're over in "special section" G-17, whatever that means. I think it's over there.

Here we are. Hold my tray so I can show the guy our tickets.



Great. Okay. Let's take that table over there.

You're done with your hot dog Craig? Go get another one. The free buffet is over there. I don't care if you're not hungry. We're gonna get our money's worth.

Marie, don't wear the foam finger on your head during the national anthem.

Oooh, there's that new cardiologist, the hot blond lady, at the Coke machine... And some of the cute family practice residents are over at that table by the nachos... No dear, I'm just reading the scoreboard.

Crap. Dr. Loud is here. He's so obnoxious. He's making the rounds, too. I hope he doesn't come to our table.

I'm going for another hot dog. No, Frank, I don't care if you're full. Go get some more nachos. We may not feed you for another week.


OMG! That cute little family practice resident doesn't shave her pits! Don't think I wanted to see that...

Marie, have some more popcorn and peanuts. No, I don't care. Shut up and eat. Find room.

Dr. Loud is at the table next to us. Crap. I don't want to talk to him. I hope he doesn't come sit with us next. Kids, don't look at him. His hideous shirt may blind you.

Grumpyville is down 5 to 1 in the 3rd inning. This isn't looking good.

No, Marie, I don't know when, or if, they're going to put dessert out. Go have another hot dog, and bring some back for your brothers.

Honey, how many of these hot dogs do you think you can fit in your purse? We could have some for dinner tomorrow, too.

Gang, you know the rules of baseball. You don't cheer wildly every freaking time somebody on either team hits the ball. That doesn't always mean something good.

The other team scored again. I'm going to go get some more nachos.

Oh, there's the hot blond cardiologist down on the concourse. Looks like she brought her sister to the game.

They're making out. I'm starting to think that's not her sister.

The other team scored again.

Frank, Craig, go have another hot dog. I'll be damned if I let the stadium come out ahead on this deal.

Where's Marie? Oh, she went to go ask when they're putting out dessert.

Where did Dr. Loud go? He's over there now. Good. I hope he skips our table. I can't stand him.

Frank, if you hit that lady with your foam finger again, she's going to punch you out, and I won't blame her, either.

The other team scored again... What all that noise?

Holy crap! Soomebody's kid is attacking the food-service guy who's taking care of the hot dog trays!

Shit! That's MY kid! MARIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry, sir. I really am. Here's a tip. Sorry. MARIE! Go sit over there!

Marie, you can't start kicking the waiter just because he told you that there's no dessert coming.

The other team scored again.

Hey! Dr. Loud is leaving! WTF? Hey, you fat slob! You schmoozed with every other damn table here EXCEPT MINE? What's up with that? Me and my family aren't good enough for you? What an obnoxious prick.

Let's go, people, this game is pathetic. Grumpyville is down 9-2 in the 5th inning. Everyone grab 2 hot dogs. We're gonna live off this stuff for the rest of the week. And some of those relish packets, too.

No, we are NOT buying ice cream on the way out.

Where the hell did we park?


The Good Cook said...

LOL.. family fun time!

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA! You must be related to me...that sounds like my family. Funny.

Btw, I love ride at EPCOT! :)

The Mother said...

We have a divide-and-conquer approach to ball games. They belong solidly to dad-son time.

Anonymous said...

We have a minor league team here in my city. My husband's company has season tickets and if a salesperson does not need them, they are up for grabs. Never get any free food, though.

Mr-Mobius said...

You have got to learn that nothing is ever truely free. Sure, the food may be free, and the tickets may be cheap, but your psychiatry bills after won't be. Family fun time.

A. Texan said...

Funny Funny!! So well written I felt like I was there.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for making me laugh, especially on a Monday morning.

S said...

Somehow that story looks so familiar. Are you sure you haven't been in public with my tribe?

wv:wisesses (wise ass?)

Rothase said...

Baseball is mother-daughter time for my family. My husband refuses to go to the game unless we have special seats in a box (the boxes have their own private restrooms; he doesn't like icky public restrooms). As that is not frequent, whenever I get tickets, the girls and I go. It's so cute to see a 5 and 6 year old yelling "Albert! Albert!" It's not so cute to spend $10 on two sno-cones. We are only 1.5 games out of first (Damn those Reds!), so there is still a lot of cheering to do this season! Go Cards!

Albinoblackbear said...

"Marie, don't wear the foam finger on your head during the national anthem."



If I had a foam finger it'd be on my head right now, national anthem or not. That post was pure comedy.

Angela said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!! I'm laughing so hard i'm crying...

Mostly because that is exactly like my family trips to... well just about anywhere!!!



Anonymous said...

Good grief. I think I know why Dr. Loud didn't visit.

Chris said...

Wait, they have all-you-can-eat sections at baseball games?

Why did I not know this?

Baseball and unlimited hot dogs, does life get better?

Anonymous said...

On a more serious note: did anyone puke after all that food???

Moose said...

You DO realize you sound like you're about 1/8" from becoming one of your own patients.

Anonymous said...

Hope the family had fun!

Anonymous said...

LOL, great post!

Anonymous said...

Wish I could afford to take my kids to a ball game, NOW DON'T YOU FEEL THE INGRATE :)

My word for verification is fiborksr--would you use it in a sentence please.

J-Quell'n said...

LOL...sounds like a Griswold family vacation...and where the hell do they have all you can eat sections at ball parks? That's awesome!

pharmacy chick said...

LOL, Just laughed myself to tears..dammit, I gotta put my face-paint back on!

Great stuff Grumps!

I bet your kids wont eat hotdogs and nachos for the rest of their lives!

Anonymous said...

My kids never acted out like this when they were young... Now that they are over 18 they do! But now, I can LEGALLY get up and leave them there haha

Thanks for the laugh

Milo said...

oh this is just so beautiful.
i love you and your family... (in a good way)
please take care

terri c said...

This is exquisite. I imagine the whole tribe spent the night puking, but still.

GB, RN said...

Great post! Thanks for the laugh...I needed it.

The_Connection said...

Sorry, our team had to win of the three....

POOHPA said...

Are we related? sounds like my family

Nurse J said...

enjoyed that tremendously. thanks for the laughs.

gunghonia said...

'The other team scored again.'

Indeed! Hahahahahahaha.

Glen said...

Sounds like the stage was set for the trip home to be a world class barf-o-rama.

I hope all the ballpark food stayed down.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised nobody hurled! I was really looking forward to that. The description, I mean. I figured maybe it would've landed on Dr. Loud....

Ginger said...

THAT was AWESOME. I was laughing so hard, my kids came in to check on me. Thanks for ruining my morning, I had them convinced I was in a Snow White state... now they expect Mommy Time.

vicki said...

okay ... did you actually tell the story of my family sitting in front of you? except i've been to box seats but never had AYCE ... oh, well
you forgot to do a p.s. post ... did the food stay down or were you and mrs grumpy up all nite cleaning up the kids?

Silly Wabbit said...

Thanks again for the wonderful storytelling. You paint such a comedic picture in the mind's eye. Wonderfully written

WV: realit
as in: did you get REAL LIT after you got home?
or: REAL, IT was

Anonymous said...

Your kids are the best. I'll bet they keep you on your toes at home too!

Anonymous said...

"Oh, there's the hot blond cardiologist down on the concourse. Looks like she brought her sister to the game"

I think my EEG just went crazy visualizing this ...

JerryG said...

Oh man! That's a classic! Thanks for the laughs!

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