Thursday, January 21, 2010

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

I'm sorry so many of you kids out there suffered injuries during the Martin Luther King holiday, and have required repeated trips to my office since then. I'm sure Reverend King would be flattered to know that you understand his life as "he was that guy who did something and then got killed."

Anyway, since your impression of MLK day (or Veteran's Day, or President's Day, or Columbus Day) is that it was created solely for you to spend it lying on the couch, eating Fruit Loops, and watching Nick, it's amazing to me how many of you suffered sprains. Apparently getting off the couch is trickier than it looks.

So I wanted to publish this guide for your future reference.

1. If you come to the school nurse about a serious injury of some sort to your writing hand or thumbs, DO NOT come in and write me out a detailed note on how you can't use your writing hand. Also, claiming you can't use your thumbs, and then texting your bff while sitting there, doesn't score points (And I get to confiscate your phone, since it's not supposed to be on during school).

2. If you come in more than once for a limb sprain, please try to remember where it was the first time you came in. Switching joints and limbs doesn't give you a lot of credibility. And asking "which one was hurting me last time?" is only going to get you sent back to class.

3. I know when the math quizzes are. Don't think I don't. Your teachers and I do talk.

4. Stop asking for ACE wraps (I know your parents want them). The school hasn't been able to afford them since 1995. Here is what I have: Band-aids and Kleenex. If you're looking for someone to make a miracle cast out of popsicle sticks, duct tape, and Jell-O you can either watch MacGyver or call a Boy Scout.

5. Walking around with a mouthful of hot chocolate to raise your temperature isn't going to get you anywhere. A temperature of > 110° F (43° C) is generally not compatible with life, let alone playing your Nintendo while I'm taking it.

Now get back to class.


Helen said...

Excellent, Mrs Grumpy. Good to see that you have your finger on the pulse.

The Good Cook said...

#4 and #5? Those two caused me spit out my coffee. (and I wasn't trying to raise my temp)... When my (now 17 year old) daughter was in elementary school she visited the nurse at least 3 times a week. A pain here, a cramp, a splinter... I told the nurse to just hang a sign on her door with Julia written in a circle with a line through it. But she (the nurse) was sweet and listened to each and every ailment. My husband and I even sent daughter to therapy to determine her need to visit the school nurse...
Daughter is still a drama queen and hypo but she's sweet too. God Bless the man she marries!

Cheryl said...

Mrs. Grumpy, you're awesome!

Suzanne Lucas said...

I'm guessing the school nurse is the equivalent of the employee relations person at work. "I can't work because the person in the cube next to me is mean!" Or, on a medical front, "Can I use FMLA because I hurt my head/arm/leg/shoulder/toenail?"

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Grumpy, RN, my sister in nursehood~~~

1. You write as brilliantly as your DH, and have his warped sense of humor. I really LIKE that in both of you.

2. Why do kids bother trying to lie if they are ever-so-rotten at doing so??

3. I am not a school nurse, but I teach in a nursing program affliated with our local High School, and as such have some students who are seniors in HS. They seem to think we don't notice that whenever we cover a system or disease, they call in sick the next DAY with that same disease. Really, ladies, neither the BPH or beri-beri is gonna fly. Try cramps....I can't dispute those!

Please continue to guest-blog and ensure that your bridegroom does the same. Some of us count on you for sanity checks!

Pattie, RN

thegooddrlaura said...

Mrs. G: so do you call them on it? Do you say, for example, "your thumbs must be fine now that you can text" or "you complained about your right knee five minutes ago but now you're rubbing your left knee." ??

CrownedwithVictory said...

these must be your future patients in training. ;D

Ranjani said...

This is such a funny post Mr. Grumpy- love the way you write:)

The Mother said...

That's pretty much a laundry list of the things my kids tried to get out of going to school.

Didn't work for them, either.

terri c said...

This is wonderful. I especially love #1. You're my hero!

Maha said...

Love your post Mrs Grumpy :) #5 is my favourite only because I tried pulling that trick when I was 7 to stay home. Didn't work for me either.

I hope some of these kids don't grow up to be Dr Grumpy's patients - specifically the ones who end up on this blog!

GB, RN said...

They start out so young, don't they?

I can't wait until they reach adulthood and then become my patients.

Marco said...

Then there's the teacher's reply to some kid's attempted excuse to get out of (whatever)..,"No, Johnny, that is the 6th time your grandmother has died this year, and it's only May."

Happy Vegemite said...

We don't have school nurses here in Australia. There is 'sick bay' where they can go lay down if they feel sick though, and ice packs for bumps and bruises. But mostly it is just the school office ladies that attend to it.

My daughter has taken full advantage of this in the past, being the drama queen that she is, and I can only imagine how much more she would have utilized the service if there was a fully qualified nurse there.

Anonymous said...

oohhh, Mrs. Grumpy!! All true! Having been a middle school nurse for 14 years, every day was a day to LOL. Loved the kids that came in with a penny under their tongues, thinking that would raise their temps! Never boring! Keep up the good fight!

Anonymous said...

My daughter visited the nurse so often that when she was mid-way through first grade, we put a special reward chart on the refrigerator. There were special treats if she could go a full week without visiting the nurse! Eventually she settled in and managed to visit only 1-2 times a month. The problem is, she just really loved the nurse and enjoyed spending time with her.

The ailments stopped when she went off to junior high. But, to this day she and the nurse stay in touch. The nurse and her husband attended her wedding. Kids are funny, they just are.

Di said...

Love it! I used to always worry that the school nurse would "judge me" if I sent my kid to school with a stuffy nose or something. Good to know you are out there and you get it!

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