Seen at the doctor's

Handed to patients at a pediatric ENT's office:

"Is this what the guys in the frat told me about?"

Thank you, Allyson!

Cha-ching!

 

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Panic: "My wife needs to get in RIGHT AWAY! She was at the hospital yesterday, and they told her to follow-up with Dr. Grumpy this week!"

Mary: "Okay... The only opening I have left this week is Friday morning at 8:30."

Mr. Panic: "FRIDAY?!!! That's 4 days away! Don't you have anything sooner? She really needs to get in ASAP!"

Mary: "No, we don't, but the schedule changes a lot, and someone may cancel. How about I call you if anything opens up?"

Mr. Panic: "PLEASE! I'm worried about her!"


They hang up. 1 minute later:


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Mom: "Hi, I have an appointment at 1:30 today, and my kid cracked a tooth at school. I have to take him to the dentist. I need to cancel. Can I call back tomorrow to reschedule?"

Mary: "Sure. I'll take you off here. Hope your son is okay."

Mrs. Mom: "Thanks, I'll call in the morning."


They hang up. 1 minute later:


Mr. Panic: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, Mr. Panic. It's Mary, at Dr. Grumpy's office. I spoke to you a minute ago about getting your wife in before Friday, and we just had a spot open up for today, at 1:30."

Mr. Panic: "1:30... No, we're going over to the casino this afternoon. It's the 'Monday Madness' slot tournament."

Gift Guide 2015

With the release of a new Star Wars film, commercialization of movie tie-ins has exceeded all previous levels, bringing us products we never knew we needed.

Do you have a friend with a crush on Darth Vader? Do they possess a fetish for loud, mechanical, respirations, and hide in ICU supply closets more than most? Do they talk about the Dark Lord seeing them naked in the shower?

Then this is perfect for them!

"Come to the other side... of the shower curtain."

Yes, with the official Darth Vader shower head your sithsexual friends can live out their darkest fantasies, re-enacting the "Psycho" scene with Anakin Skywalker instead of Norman Bates. Loud, stridorous, respirations aren't included, but I'm sure they can make their own.

Tuesday morning, 1:09 a.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Anna Flaxis: "Hi, I saw you last week, and you gave me a prescription for Nitrocin? I think I'm having an allergic reaction to it."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's going on?"

Anna Flaxis: "Since then I've been very lightheaded, and I've noticed some weird bumps on my hands and face, and I just don't feel well."

Dr. Grumpy: "When did you last take a dose?"

Anna Flaxis: "I haven't yet."

Dr. Grumpy: "You haven't taken any today?"

Anna Flaxis: "I haven't taken any at all. I dropped the script off at Pill Haus, but haven't had a chance to get back there."

Dr. Grumpy: "So you haven't even started it?"

Anna Flaxis: "No, and I'm not going to, either. I mean, if just having you prescribe the drug makes me feel this way, I hate to think what actually taking it will do."

2015 Gift Guide

Yes, as the planet's revolution brings us back around to the holiday season, it's once again time for the annual... Dr. Grumpy's Gift Guide!

I'm going to kick off this year with a musical item. How many times have you been at a party and thought, "Gee, it would really liven up this party if I could just whip out a flute to crank tunes?" I know, it's a pretty common occurrence.

At the same time, how often do you find yourself trying to cover up an attack of terrible flatulence in a social setting, and wishing you had a way to cleverly hide it? Me, too.

Well, now you can solve both problems with... THE RECTOFLUTE!

"Boy, can that asshole play the flute."

Simply slip this gadget, with its "ergonomic easy entry shape" into your rear end, and start ripping off some tunes! Using the muscles of your nether regions you can perform all kinds of colonic symphonies. Plus, it comes in 3 vibrant colors!

It doesn't say if it comes with any sort of manual, training DVD, or shit sheet music.

Dr. Grumpy takes no responsibility for your laundry bills if you play with too much enthusiasm.

Black friday was HELL

Seen at a San Diego Costco on Saturday morning:

Some "fusion" cuisines... just don't work

Thank you, H!

Heading west for the 4-day holiday. See you next week!

The good old days

Earlier this year, Medscape ran some awesome 1940's-1950's era medical ads, and I'd like to share my favorites with you (you can click on the link above to see them all).


This one is just awesome. I mean, how better to face the challenges of everyday life and bad hats than to pop amphetamines?

"How does Ellen Sherman do it all? She’s smart. She takes Speed!"

Next is this pic, by the great Dr. Frank Netter. It's called "Ambulance Call" and shows a cheery scene of an elderly lady being hauled off to the hospital while her neighbors gawk.

 

What product was this advertising? Actually, none at all. Then why, you're asking, was it in a medical journal? Because the picture ("suitable for framing") was sponsored by Chicago's Armour Laboratories, and - get this - was available for FREE to doctors who wrote in and requested a copy for their waiting room. Because nothing gives you more confidence in the doc you're about to see than thinking his last patient was carried away on a stretcher.



Old ads saying that doctors prefer a certain cigarette brand aren't uncommon. This one, however, got my attention.

"70 years from now we'll be sampling pot at the Seattle meeting."

Why? Because here they are pushing them at medical conventions. Yes, out there on the sales floor, between booths selling pharmaceuticals, EEG machines, locums offers, and other stuff... are tobacco companies peddling their wares as a normal part of a medical practice.

Then there's this gem:

"What the fuck? I have to wait another 40 years for them to invent Diet Coke?"

Yes, apparently when the doctor has had a shitty day of irate patients nothing will perk him up more than a paper cup full of tomato juice. Honestly, if someone offered me anything non-caffeinated and/or alcohol-free in that situation... I'd probably throw it at them.

I also have to wonder exactly what kind of refreshment they're REALLY trying to sell... Which leads us to:

This one, about the eternal scourge of armed forces around the world, VD.

"Phil, have the art department make the ampules look more phallic."

Ads like this were actually pretty common in WWII, showing how drug companies (Merck, in this case) were contributing to the Allied victory by keeping winkies and their owners healthy, so they could go get killed somewhere else.

Then for the home front, was this ad intended for Rosie the Riveter. It features (I SWEAR TO GOD!) the top-secret blueprint for... a tampon.

Gotta love the slogan "don't let morale ebb with the flow." Likely the same ad agency that 60 years later thought up "have a happy period."



And last is this one, reminding us that yesterday's health food is today's heart attack. Next thing you know they'll be claiming that cigarettes cause cancer.

"If butter is good for you, straight lard must be even better."

Saturday afternoon

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Ms. Wilter: "Yeah, I called your office yesterday, about a refill on my Spazinox?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I approved that, and Annie called it in."

Ms. Wilter: "Oh REALLY? Because I just stopped by Pill Haus, and THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, I know she called it in. I was in her office when she made the call."

Ms. Wilter: "Well, that doesn't change the fact that I'm standing in Pill Haus and IT'S NOT HERE!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Which Pill Haus are you at? There are a lot of them. We called it to the one on Starr & Harrison, like you wanted."

Ms. Wilter: "So what? I'm at the one at Narn & Centauri, and regardless of what Annie said MY SPAZINOX ISN'T HERE!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Then why... did you ask us to call it in to the one at Starr & Harrison?"

Ms. Wilter: "Why would it matter?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, because they're different stores, like, 5 miles apart?"

Ms. Wilter: "But they're both Pill Haus pharmacies! If you call it in to any of them, they all fill it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, no, just the one we call it too."

Pause

Ms. Wilter: "I thought that when you call it in to any Pill Haus, it goes to every store, and so they all get it ready for you. That way, I can pick it up anywhere I am. Isn't that part of the internet and all? That all their stores are connected and fill it for you, so you can just go to any of their places to get it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, they just fill it at the one we call it to."

Ms. Wilter: "Well, that's not very convenient, or customer friendly. I'm going to complain to them about this."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. Your Spazinox is at Starr & Harrison. Have a good one."

Thorough exam there, dude

Seen in a chart:

Mary's desk

Mary: "Okay, so we'll see you on Friday, at 1:30. Do you need directions here?”

Mrs. Scan: "No, but what tests will he order on me?"

Mary: "I don't know. He's never seen you before, so it will depend on what he finds when he hears your story and examines you. Every patient is different."

Mrs. Scan: "Well, I really don't want to come in unless I know what he's going to do."

Mary: "I understand, but that's up to him. I'm not the doctor. You'll be able to talk to him about this during the visit."

Mrs. Scan: "Look, I'm not calling you to play games. Either you tell me what tests he's going to order, or I'm going elsewhere."

Tall and skinny. REALLY tall and skinny.

Seen in a chart:

The badge

 I'm sitting at the nurses station, writing a note.


Suit Lady: "Excuse me, Dr. Grumpy? You're not wearing your ID badge."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's in my black bag. This shirt doesn't have a pocket for me to clip it to."

Suit Lady: "Well, the staff can't see it."

Dr. Grumpy: "I figure after almost 20 years here they all know me." (loudly) "Hey, you guys all know me, right?"

Passing nurse: "Too damn well, if you ask me."

Dr. Grumpy: "See?"


I go back to writing my note.


Suit Lady: "But it's your new badge, with our new Local Hospital logo, isn't it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, you guys inactivated the old one so I couldn't get in the parking lot. I didn't have much of a choice."


Suit Lady pulls up a chair and sits real close, like she's about to make a dirty proposition.


Suit Lady: (softly) "Haven't you noticed the effect this is having?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um..." (looks around) "on what?"

Suit Lady: "It's terrible for employee morale! They can all see you're not supporting our new branding. If they don't think you're behind them, it will affect how they do their jobs."

Dr. Grumpy: "They're not even paying attention, and don't care."

Suit Lady: "They're trying to be polite, but it's obvious that your lack of support is disappointing to them. You really should have your ID proudly displayed."

Dr. Grumpy: "Look... I need to finish writing my note. I've got 2 other consults to see."

Suit Lady: "Well, please wear the badge. Not doing so is bad for patient care."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you really believe that?"

Suit Lady: "You need to envision the whole of who we are today at Local Hospital. It's all part of our new brand in the community. And, of course, that includes doctors like you."

Dr. Grumpy: "If I'm your brand, your brand sucks."


I turned back to my note. Suit Lady glared at me for a few minutes, then left.

Seen in a chart

I bet the dentures don't smoke, but use alcohol and caffeine occasionally.

Thank you, Anon!